Ask A Guy: Do Guys Care If A Girl Texts Them First?

should I text first

Should you do it… or wait for him to make the move? | Source: ShutterStock

Dear Ethan,

Do guys like it when girls text them first? Or do you think its the guy’s job to do that? Also, when he does text you first, should you wait a while to text him back so he doesn’t think you’re just waiting around for him?

I tend to believe that assigning dating “jobs” to specific genders is a thing of my parents’ (or even their parents’) age, so I don’t think it’s necessarily a guy’s responsibility to open communication. And, as I wrote a few weeks ago, we love it when girls take initiative. Whether you’ve yet to go on a date, or have been hooking up for months, you should totally feel free to text him first. If the guy is into you, he’ll simply be psyched to hear from you.

Now, how and when you follow up from the initial contact is another story. I don’t believe in playing games once you’re in a relationship or have established some sort of exclusivity, but a little bit of mystery can only make things more exciting. You don’t have to adhere to any crazy hardfast laws (we’ve all heard of the “Three Day,” “One Hour,” or “Make Him Suffer” rules when it comes to returning a guy’s phone call), but it’s especially important in the opening weeks of any budding romance to be aware of pacing. This is absolutely crucial! For any relationship to take off, you must both be aware of how much space to give or pressure to apply, depending on the signs each of you put out there.

I want to stress again that there is absolutely never any harm in making the first move–but when you’re not getting back what you’re putting in, you have to kick back and wait for the guy to pull his own weight. Furthermore, if you’re not finding his consistently lame-o responses of “k” satisfying, or he habitually takes the “Make Her Suffer” response-time rule to the limits, the guy just might not be right for you. Ultimately, you’ll know you’ve found a match when the flirtatious gameplay feels exciting and fun, rather than like Chinese water torture.

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

 

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62 Comments

  1. avatarmegan says:

    Last night I had a great date with a guy and after he dropped me off he texted me telling me he had a good day and he’d like to go out again. But I texted him back and he hasn’t replied. It’s only been a day but I’m a little confused. What’s going on?

  2. avatarAnon says:

    I met this guy at a three-day science competition. We had a few very long and actually meaningful (not just small-talk, and by long I mean 30-60 minutes) conversations in person. The thing is we’ve both agreed on being platonic and as far as I know we’re both okay with that. So, how much should I text him? I always worry about being a bother. I’ve always been the one to strike up a convo, texting or in person, but he’s always been engaged and asked questions, etc. I don’t want to always text first, but I also don’t want to lose our connection because we’re both too nervous to text. Ah, so confused!

  3. avatarKishshe says:

    Well , apparently i been liking this guy from the volleyball team . He’s quite popular in our school and a lot of girls are fangirling him .. So , well , my friend told me that he already know . I was like ‘ WTH ?? ‘ .. Maybe becoz of hyperness , i just admit it to him .. Then he say that he dunno that i like him .. It make me shame of myself but proud that im brave .. Soo , we agree with friends first .. But when we meet each other , we’re like waiting each other to approach . What should i do ?? But i don’t want to look desperate .. He’s from other class , yeah we only meet on our way home ..

  4. avatarJen says:

    this guy, an ex colleague of mine, started texting me a year after he left (i used to text him, but he don’t seem to be interested in his replies and so i stopped) and ask me out for a date, which went out well. We could talk almost about everything despite not seeing each other for almost a year. After the date, he did not text me and I initiate to text him for the next date.
    On the second date, we had a solid conversation and I got a feeling he feels something for me. But just like before, he NEVER text me again after the second date and I am tired of this guessing game, and to initiate to text him again.
    Why do guys behave this way? Someone please help!

    • avatarcrystal says:

      I would just wait til he texts you if he don’t than he is just missing out , most the time guys just don’t care .

  5. avatarJessie says:

    I met a guy hung out at his apt we just laid on the floor and talked for 4 hours he text me the next day but he hasn’t text anymore after that. Should I text him first? How long should I wait?

  6. avatarAnonymous says:

    There’s this guy that I like and I need some advice. We started texting a little bit in the summer and then a couple of weeks ago he came over to me one day and we talked and joked around. I had to leave for work when I got a text from him asking me to text him later when I finished work. After that we texted each other for two days straight and it was great. Since then we have texted a bit here and there, he still talks to me and gets involved in things that I am doing, but we don’t text as often as we did before. One day he offered to give me a ride home, I thanked him and then a couple hours later before I went to bed he texted me “good night :)” On Sunday I texted him and he texted back almost immediately and we had a great conversation and joked around. The last time we texted was new years day at 12:01 when he texted me “HAPPY NEW YEAR K!” I texted happy new years back but haven’t heard from him since. Do you think he likes me? Should I text him and if so what should I say?

    • avatarthat_anna_chic says:

      He definitely likes you, bit is probably too nervous to tell you. What some guys try to do is ask lots of questions and such so they can tell if your their type, see how much he asks about you. It isn’t easy for guys to tell you they like you until you hint that you like him, so along the way they will drop subtle compliments to get you to notice them, but not enough to let you know definitely. If I were you, I would text first for two conversations (more than 24 hours imbetween) then leave it to him.

  7. avatarJoy says:

    I have this guy that I like. Some days he talks to me in school but the next day he will avoid me. And he never ever texts me back whenever I text him. Why is he being this way?

  8. avatardiane says:

    hi! I met this guy and i really felt a connection with him, we never talked ever since and i didnt get his full name but i got his number.do I have to text him first?or should i call him? how will i text him? what will i tell him?

    • avatarJoy says:

      why not you text him and say hi, I haven’t heard from you in awhile, how have you been? cause he may have been waiting for you to take the initiative. Then you can see how things go from there.

  9. avatarParker says:

    So I have been texting a guy I really like! But he had a girlfriend so I thought I didn’t have a chance UNTIL they broke up yesterday. I was so happy and texted him today asking about their break up and saying I was sorry. I have been talking to him for more than 2 months and we just really bonded. We have been texting almost every day but it seems to take more and more time for him to respond, also I always text him first. Should I just move on and forget about him or should I give it a chance?

    P.S.: He doesn’t know I like him but I’ve been trying to give him hints, but he just keeps calling me his best friend.

  10. avatarPrincess says:

    Hi, I have this guy friend that I have begun to really like. I broke up with my boyfriend a few months ago and my friend really helped me through the breakup. I don’t want a boyfriend right now and neither does he want a girlfriend, but I feel as though we have a connection…We went to a party together friday and his actions seems as if he liked me, he was hugging me and dancing with me then cuddling me from behind while he touched his face to mines. We have only recently start texting each other and calling often, but he hasn’t contacted me since the party, I think he is busy with school work. We go to the same college and we both are busy with work, but i’m confused as to if he likes me and I don’t think I should contact him first. Any advice?

  11. avatarPurple lady says:

    I’ve been chatting to a guy from work for about a week now, it’s very flirty/sexy chat and I’m not sure he’s actually interested in me. He very open sexually and seems to thrive on me stimulating his imagination…he’s admitted to me that he’s a sexual kind of person. I don’t mind his chat but I’m confused as to whether there is something to pursue here. I said I hope we don’t get to the point of where he will get bored and what attracts him, his response was Hey… It’s fun just gettin to know you at the mo and gettin a bit flirty and fruity aswell :) that’s what I like. I like to get to know someone first :) a strong personality, confidence and knowing what ya want is an attraction :)

    So how do I take this?

    • avatarAnnie says:

      Be VERY careful because it’s at work. If you don’t have a feeling it will turn into a long term thing, I’d say move on. I’m sure it’s fun, but it can become uncomfortable at work. People talk.

      • avatarKatie says:

        Don’t do it

        I have just come out of a right mess with someone I worked with
        We had been friends for years, started seein eachother
        And now it’s awful
        Everyone at work got involved
        People asking questions when he just realise he didn’t want to be with me anymore
        Total embarrassment and humiliation on my part
        Stay flirty at work but do not do it

  12. avatarnathalypaola says:

    So theirs this guy and we been daiting but after our dates he text me 2days later x_x should I be worried that his seen someone else?! He came over 2days a ago we had a really good time me and him and my nephew, and now I texted him saying “hey” I hot a reply the next day so I reply back and I got a reply 3 hours later should I continue texting him?! Or should I move on the thing is I have really strong feelings for him :(

  13. avatarSara says:

    So… My guy he tells me how much he likes me, we hang out, we do our thing. I had some emotional vomit that I attempted to revoke with apologies. I gave him a lot of space, 4 weeks of it. He decides he is still into me wants me to get a hold of him… So I do. We talk, hang out, and now Im at a stand still. We like each other but arent moving anywhere. I dont know if I should text him or leave it. Maybe he got his milk for free kinda thing.
    Feeling torn. What should I do?

    • avatarJim says:

      Sara you should def text him. I am in a similar situation but in the guy role and it really shows a guy that you’re interested in him if you make the move. Saying it is one thing but taking action shows a lot more. Either way you will find out if he’s into as you are into him or if he’s not that into you. I say go for it.

  14. avatarGia says:

    So I met this guy at a wedding and so it was super awkward because his dad wanted him to ask me to dance but he said no because he was afraid I would reject him but he still really wanted to talk to me so it ended up that we did talk and were both shy awkward people and he told me he was bad at starting conversation or being the first to talk and I was like same, but his brother made us talk and so one person walked by asking if we were a couple because we would look really cute together which made everything awkward, so his other brother came over saying did you guy exchange numbers and we said no so he grabbed my phone and put the his number in and called his phone so my number would go in his and so we kinda hit it off and then I texted him hey yesterday and we had a good conversation and today he hasn’t texted me back which I’m not freaking out about but like I said he is bad at staring conversations so should I text him again hey like tomorrow or in a few days or maybe say something different or wait til he does? HELP

  15. avatarAlex says:

    I kinda like this guy who happens to be my friends brother. Shes younger then me but he’s my age. And I really want to get to know him better. We’ve texted a few times before but the first time was because of drama between friends and the second time I texted him because I had a question about something he’s interested in. But I want to text him again? What do I do? He seemed to flirt a little and he was really nice when we talked. HELP!

  16. avatarandrea o conell says:

    yeah so I kissed this fella I like the other night and ever since it has been real awkward .. we kissed on the Saturday night and he texted me on the next sunday night..then we went to school and everyone found out and started slagging us and it is just been awkward,, is it just awkward because we make it awkward? or is it because he doesn’t like me anymore? also he said I shift too fast? is that bad? would it have turned him off completely?? a week later and he never texted me.. would he be waiting on me to text him? or should I leave him? HELPP!!

  17. avatarShygirl28 says:

    So, I met this guy at a rodeo/dance last Thursday. We hit it off well, and even hung out the next night. We texted all weekend and from what I thought had a lot in common. I definitely created a huge interest in him, and from my guy friends who know him, told me he did too. I was the one who sent the last text two days ago, and I haven’t heard from him since. I’m scared if I should text him a “hey” first three days later or not. Rejection is NOT a thing I like, especially if I have such an interest in them. What should I do to find out if he has one in me or to get him to create one?!

  18. avatarConfusedTeen:p says:

    I like this guy. As in reallyyy like. When school let out for the summer I messaged him on facebook and we ended up having a really solid conversation which “ended” with him saying “this would be a lot easier if we were texting” and of course I gave him my number and we continued texting ALLLLL night! Friday night (the day we exchanged numbers) was the same day he left on vacation with his family and we literally texted every single day while he was there. (He texted me first each time). Then when he got back all of a sudden our week and a half of texting came to a hault, ending with my text. I waited impatiently for 6 days for him to text me and when he didnt I took the initiative and texted him. We again had a solid conversation, but he NEVER texted back after that night. I really like(d) him and I’m tired of waiting but I don’t want to end up rage texting him on why he isn’t texting me. I feel like if he really liked me he would text me like I texted him. Right? Please help! I’m a sophomore btw.

    • avatarannie says:

      Talk with him in school in a secret way. This same happened to me too. Maybe hes shy . Ihope best fo both u n i :)

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