Ask A Guy: Do Guys Care If A Girl Texts Them First?

should I text first

Should you do it… or wait for him to make the move? | Source: ShutterStock

Dear Ethan,

Do guys like it when girls text them first? Or do you think its the guy’s job to do that? Also, when he does text you first, should you wait a while to text him back so he doesn’t think you’re just waiting around for him?

I tend to believe that assigning dating “jobs” to specific genders is a thing of my parents’ (or even their parents’) age, so I don’t think it’s necessarily a guy’s responsibility to open communication. And, as I wrote a few weeks ago, we love it when girls take initiative. Whether you’ve yet to go on a date, or have been hooking up for months, you should totally feel free to text him first. If the guy is into you, he’ll simply be psyched to hear from you.

Now, how and when you follow up from the initial contact is another story. I don’t believe in playing games once you’re in a relationship or have established some sort of exclusivity, but a little bit of mystery can only make things more exciting. You don’t have to adhere to any crazy hardfast laws (we’ve all heard of the “Three Day,” “One Hour,” or “Make Him Suffer” rules when it comes to returning a guy’s phone call), but it’s especially important in the opening weeks of any budding romance to be aware of pacing. This is absolutely crucial! For any relationship to take off, you must both be aware of how much space to give or pressure to apply, depending on the signs each of you put out there.

I want to stress again that there is absolutely never any harm in making the first move–but when you’re not getting back what you’re putting in, you have to kick back and wait for the guy to pull his own weight. Furthermore, if you’re not finding his consistently lame-o responses of “k” satisfying, or he habitually takes the “Make Her Suffer” response-time rule to the limits, the guy just might not be right for you. Ultimately, you’ll know you’ve found a match when the flirtatious gameplay feels exciting and fun, rather than like Chinese water torture.

Good luck!

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of For more on Ethan, visit…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at!


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  • Claudia

    I dated this guy and we are from different countries and now its over because of the distance he sais. But we were so in love and thats why i dont understand how he let go of me so fast. When i left he even cryed he was litteraly devastated as myself too…. and now he just stoped writing back, just ignores me . I just dont understand how can you lovea person so much and then just stop having feelings for her …. i’m still in deep pain, i feel the need to write to him all the time but i dont want to bother him so i dont… what shoud i do? I just need answers…

  • Anon

    I’ve been texting a guy for a while and I’m not really sure if he’s into me.. Sometimes hell text me everyday and sometimes he won’t and I feel like I have to text him first. If I miss his text and text back the next day he has said he’s bored? How do I tell if he likes me? Or if he’s not even worth my time?

  • dilemma

    So, we are 23 and this guy has been looking at me n so was I.. I sat near him one day and he moved to sit next to me but we didn’t talk much. The eyeing kept going but things were really slow.. He sometimes showed attention sometimes not. He would always speak to me when he was not with his friends cz they would make fun and would be sweet.. The last day of class came up to me on his own n spoke until his friends dragged him away.. Then I spoke to him again for a bit and asked for his number. Sensing he would take forever. I texted n he texted back I asked certain questions but then I texted a bit late n he hasn’t replied to my answer since… What should I do? Text him a hey or wait? Its been two days already… N I had a feeling that he was into me when he would keep looking at me again and again. But now its nothing.

  • Noemi

    I met a guy at a university summer program at a different country from where I am from. I really started to like him and I have a feeling he liked me back but never told me.i kept my feelings silent because I knew I would head back to my country and was afraid to really like him. He was with me right before my bus took off. Later I got his number from one of his friends amd texted him. During the program he would be very attentive to me, but then when I texted him he would take a long time to respond and I do mean long! Does this mean he isn’t interested in messaging me now? Maybe he never liked me like I had thought?

  • JUNG

    Hi i have been liking this guy for quite some time already he is in the same course as me just different class. i feel that we have many things in common like we both have a twin! we were in the same internship company and before we start texting, i didnt have a conversation with him at all until recently when our internship is ending as i was really too shy to walk up to him to talk to him. My friend who know i liked him wanted to help us and used my phone to text him. We talk alot via text then we see each other we didnt talk. but i was always the one that texted him first like around 5 times already.Sometimes he would kill the conversation by replying a haha i see.but i didnt text him everyday as i feel that i might be irritating him. It was until recently i saw him near my house area de mall with his twin while i was with my twin that i decided to text him to talk about it. i tot he would text me first about it but in the end he didnt. i noticed he stares at me sometimes when we are in the office together.Before that we would talk about our internship stuffs but now our topics are all not related to our internship at all and we could joke with each other now abit like flirting abit about handsome and pretty girls then said just kidding. My friends also told me they heard my name being said between his and his friend. But i really feel that i took too much initative to talk to him like if he kill the conversation i would send another text. Im quite afraid i do too much to let him notice me and he might just lose interest. Worse thing is that im not even sure if he likes me. But im quite sure that he had already suspects that i had liked him. Im really unsure what to do now.. Please someone tell me what to do? should i keep replying to continue the conversation or wait for him to show that he is anxious im not replying and wait for his another text?? i still contemplating as to reply his text yesterday or not :(

  • Tana

    hey 😉
    where to start it’s been about 5 months now since i’ve started liking this guy . he’s 3 years older …
    the thing is he stays about 4 hours away from me . we see each other during school holidays and there’s definitely a spark between us . but we don’t chat nearly enough when we’re apart .. we’re stuck in the more than friends less than a couple situation … he works a lot = studying at university … so he doesn’t have a lot of time .. and i always greet him first when we do chat maybe twice or 3 times a week :/ its awesome we can’t stop talking !! the thing is he doesn’t have time for a relationship right now and i don’t either but i really as in really like this guy :( . we’ve spoken about dating but never seriously … he says he doesn’t kn ow what we are … another problem is that he finds phones impersonal ,.. the question is how do i get him to express his feelings over whatsapp ? because i only see him once a month :0 … and how do i get him to admit or state his feelings .. as crazy as this sounds i’ll wait for him because i really like him ..

  • Paris

    I been text buddy with this guy for about 6 or 7 yrs now and we finally hear our voice the other day the connection click with us it was not a boring phone call but now we back to the texting part and I always texting first and he reply back… 1-2 yrs ago he text first but some reason he stop he say keep loosing my number but I do have strong feeling this guy, he lived 1 hrs from me and about to moved close by me soon ..I already told him about 3-4 times I liked him more than a friend everyday I be the one texting him first and reply back I want him to notice me

  • jj

    I recently ran into an old fling from very many years ago and we went on a date well needless to say we slept together… He was someone I did have feelings for at one time and after the other night it did reignite a little bit of the same feelings. He did text me the next day said we should hang out again soon but hasn’t texted me since then. Should I text first or just call it a lost cause?

  • Confused

    There’s this guy we’ve been friends for a long time kissed a few weeks ago then last we we hooked up and did more now I’m confused we’re still texting but it’s just bk to friends but he will text first then il reply then he will just stop replying whatvi this? Does he want more maybe? Or just making sure we’re still friends?

  • Alex

    There’s this guy I really really really like. We see each other during the academic year (we teach Sunday school together) but we go to different high schools so I don’t see him much. I see him every Sunday at church but we can’t talk there. We do text but I always initiate it. He sends very long and detailed respondes and seems interested in talking to me but he doesn’t text first. Should I stop trying? I feel like he must at least like me as a friend by his texting style to me but his lack of initiating it makes me nervous. Thanks!

    • Meme

      If he responses you faster or show interest in you , he is might be into you and some guys don’t text first because they feel they’ll annoy girl . Best of luck .