What Does A Designer Vagina Really Look Like?

What does a designer vagina look like?

It’s what’s underneath that counts. | Source: ShutterStock

Plastic surgeons have been making a killing on designer vaginas. What exactly is a designer vagina? Well, therein lies the problem. No one really knows, and if you try looking it up on a plastic surgeon’s site, chances are whatever answer you get is going to be really vague and confusing.

A lot of plastic surgeons offer procedures like labioplasty, which makes your labia smaller or different from their natural state–like a nose job, but for your privates. Others offer G-spot enhancement, which is sort of horrifying, because there’s very little evidence to show that it actually does anything, and because it’s surgery inside your vag. Other sexist services include “hymen rejuvenation,” so you can “bleed on your wedding night and keep your head high.” Um, if I’m bleeding on my wedding night from any orifice, you better believe my head won’t be high, because I’d be screaming it off and seeking medical attention (and bleach for the sheets). And seriously, what is with the obsession with hymens? Dude, I get that it’s supposedly indicative or virginity (and the fact that someone has never ridden a bike, ridden a horse, or used a tampon), but holy cow, people are creepy. Unless you have a thing for Jigsaw (in which case you have much bigger problems than how your vagina looks), any guy you think wants to see you bleed isn’t for you. Just a heads up.

Anyhow, we got to thinking–what would designer vaginas really be like? We came up with a few ideas.

Louis Vuitton!
Those giant brown leather handbags that everyone carries (or wants to)? Why not just make your lady parts scream LV?! On you, it’ll naturally stand for Lady Vag!

Avant garde!
Shoulder pads! Tulle! Spikes! Channel your inner Alexander McQueen!

Since we’re expected to bleach and wax and everything down there so to make it sparkly clean, why not just make it sparkle? We could pick colors and patterns! I’d want a glittery dollar sign, because I’m a fan of Ke$ha.

They’d have tassels!
If they can make the handlebars of your childhood bike look pretty, just imagine what they could do for your vagina!

They can be musical!
There are thongs that play music, but really, why have the middle man? Get a small speaker implanted, and when someone pushes the right button, out comes “Live While We’re Young!”

They’d be flavored!
Why stop at flavored lube when you can have an actual delish vag? Weekly injections can mix it up to surprise your partners. Go from vanilla ice cream to mom’s pot roast to nacho cheese, because you can!

They’d be androgynous!
You know how runway models often sport menswear? And it looks super chic? Adopt the same mentality with your vag–make it look genderless!

Add some spinning pinwheels!
Going commando? Make the most of the breeze!

Try photo imprinting!
You can put photos on literal cake, so why not on figurative “cake?” Maybe a picture of Todd Akin, Rush Limbaugh, or even better–your dad!

Incorporate mirrors!
If someone is obsessed with your vagina looking perfect, why not let them look at what they’re really obsessed with? Makes a great gift for a picky partner!

What do you think goes into a designer vagina? Would you ever consider plastic surgery in or on your vagina? Do you feel pressure to have a “perfect” vagina? Tell us in the comments!

You’ll be really grossed out when you learn how people study the G-spot.

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Posted in: Discuss, For Laughs
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  • HootyOwl

    You can’t blame men for this, men aren’t picky about vaginas in any way shape or form. The responsibility for this insanity falls squarely on the shoulders of women themselves.

  • LittleMissSexy

    do you have a pic of an actual designer vagina??????
    me dying to see!!!!!
    love me:)

  • blah



    Being expected to be a virgin on our wedding night is so lame.
    How can anyone deny us our right to be slammed by anybody we want from an early age? Why do guys not like that we’ve been used up and stretched out by different guys? Why can’t they just accept that our modern version of marriage is we promise to be with only them forever *after* we’ve already been with everyone else??
    Guys are nonsensical and so insecure…


      We’re not insecure! We NEED to know that our brides are fresh, new and factory-sealed! It’s just dumb to expect us to believe that a vagina is this magical stretchy thing that can somehow deal with more than one penis over its lifetime! And how dare my future wife think she can just choose who she wants to have sex with before I’m in the picture?! Ladies, you keep those legs together until I say you can open them.

    • Really Guys….

      Both of you are either Trolls are extremely Naive…Neither of your arguments make any sense and also make you sound a tad idiotic and simple. And as for men being so insecure, well this is true, but if you haven’t met any, or you aren’t yourself an Insecure woman, then your’e living under a rock.

  • Bridget from Cali

    Scary stuff. From what I understand that “hymen rejuvenation” is still quite popular for local Persian-American, Armenian-American and Arab-American girls before they wed. We’re talking about girls raised and/or born in the good ol’ USA (and not in some conservative foreign land). It’s always been acceptable for middle-eastern men (and men in general) to fool around before getting married, but the same is not held true for women. That old double standard is alive and kicking today — and much worse in those circles. We live in a twisted world.

  • Donovan

    Now, you have a sense of what men go through with all those “male enhancement” products. On TV every hour on the hour. To answer your question…hmmm, what do women normally say about the aforementioned? Quit being so insecure.