Plastic surgeons have been making a killing on designer vaginas. What exactly is a designer vagina? Well, therein lies the problem. No one really knows, and if you try looking it up on a plastic surgeon’s site, chances are whatever answer you get is going to be really vague and confusing.
A lot of plastic surgeons offer procedures like labioplasty, which makes your labia smaller or different from their natural state–like a nose job, but for your privates. Others offer G-spot enhancement, which is sort of horrifying, because there’s very little evidence to show that it actually does anything, and because it’s surgery inside your vag. Other sexist services include “hymen rejuvenation,” so you can “bleed on your wedding night and keep your head high.” Um, if I’m bleeding on my wedding night from any orifice, you better believe my head won’t be high, because I’d be screaming it off and seeking medical attention (and bleach for the sheets). And seriously, what is with the obsession with hymens? Dude, I get that it’s supposedly indicative or virginity (and the fact that someone has never ridden a bike, ridden a horse, or used a tampon), but holy cow, people are creepy. Unless you have a thing for Jigsaw (in which case you have much bigger problems than how your vagina looks), any guy you think wants to see you bleed isn’t for you. Just a heads up.
Anyhow, we got to thinking–what would designer vaginas really be like? We came up with a few ideas.
Those giant brown leather handbags that everyone carries (or wants to)? Why not just make your lady parts scream LV?! On you, it’ll naturally stand for Lady Vag!
Shoulder pads! Tulle! Spikes! Channel your inner Alexander McQueen!
Since we’re expected to bleach and wax and everything down there so to make it sparkly clean, why not just make it sparkle? We could pick colors and patterns! I’d want a glittery dollar sign, because I’m a fan of Ke$ha.
They’d have tassels!
If they can make the handlebars of your childhood bike look pretty, just imagine what they could do for your vagina!
They can be musical!
There are thongs that play music, but really, why have the middle man? Get a small speaker implanted, and when someone pushes the right button, out comes “Live While We’re Young!”
They’d be flavored!
Why stop at flavored lube when you can have an actual delish vag? Weekly injections can mix it up to surprise your partners. Go from vanilla ice cream to mom’s pot roast to nacho cheese, because you can!
They’d be androgynous!
You know how runway models often sport menswear? And it looks super chic? Adopt the same mentality with your vag–make it look genderless!
Add some spinning pinwheels!
Going commando? Make the most of the breeze!
Try photo imprinting!
You can put photos on literal cake, so why not on figurative “cake?” Maybe a picture of Todd Akin, Rush Limbaugh, or even better–your dad!
If someone is obsessed with your vagina looking perfect, why not let them look at what they’re really obsessed with? Makes a great gift for a picky partner!
What do you think goes into a designer vagina? Would you ever consider plastic surgery in or on your vagina? Do you feel pressure to have a “perfect” vagina? Tell us in the comments!