Boards
Dear Ethan,
So, this is kind of an awkward and personal question, but I used to hurt myself pretty badly. Thankfully I stopped and I’m so much happier now. However, I have a boyfriend, and it’s a pretty serious relationship. Should I tell him? I think he suspects something from my (faint, but slightly visible) scars, but I’m really uncomfortable with anyone finding out. How would you feel if your girlfriend were in my situation?
First, let me thank you for writing in – you’re certainly not alone, as I know of quite a few girls who have also grappled with how to bare their past traumas to others. It takes a lot of courage to share any story of abuse, loss, or self-harm—whether with a stranger or a loved one.
I think the decision to tell your boyfriend about your own history is really quite a personal one. Obviously such information doesn’t quite make for great first date conversation, but you should absolutely be able to share such deeper things with someone you know you can trust—especially because it likely now informs a large part of who you are. If you’re at a point in the relationship where you feel like giving him that backstory will help him get to know you better, and you can confide in him with confidence, then you should go for it.
On the other hand, you may feel that, since you’re much happier now, your scars represent a past struggle which isn’t as relevant to your life now. In that case, I don’t think you need to tell him about their origins merely because he suspects something.
Your question reminds me of a girl who wanted to know when to tell her boyfriend that she loves him. My answer to you is similar in that you should only tell your boyfriend about your past when you feel like you need to. Then, if he can’t handle the truth, you’ll simply know that he wasn’t right for you in the first place. But more than likely, if he’s as into you as he sounds, hearing about your past issues won’t cause him to run away – he’ll only feel glad and relieved that you’re so much better off now.
Good luck!
Ethan
Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.
Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!
Don’t forget to follow us on Twitter
New Quiz!
Bedroom Quiz!
I could tell that the guy that is now my boyfriend knew a piece was missing when i talked about my past. I told him about my scars before he even asked me to be his girlfriend. He was completely caring about it more than some of the friends who have known for years before ever were. He also understood me a lot more as a person and what I’ve been through. A couple weeks ago i had a a relapse and cut myself again, and he was there for me. i hope you tell him because it will make your relationship stronger!
My boyfriend and I recently told each other about our similar experiences with child abuse and neglect. It felt so much better once I got it off my chest because I have never told anyone I know personally about my mother and to know that he trusted me enough to tell me about his parents made me so happy. I say, if you feel that you can trust him with something that big, and you want or need him to know, then go for it. It’s a big step, but can bring a couple much closer together
As someone who still struggles with self-harm, I say go for it, but only if you feel that you can trust him because there are some jerks out there who use that as black mail (as pathetic as that is). I hadn’t planned on telling my boyfriend so soon (two months), but someone pointed it out to him and i didn’t want him getting the impression that i was some ‘suicidal emo freak’, so i did confess and made sure that he knew i wasn’t suicidal, just my way of dealing with things. He was extremely understanding and said that it didn’t change who i was or how he felt about me. If he cares about you, he’ll just want to be there for you (: Hope this helps :3
Thanks for sharing, Kenzie. Great advice!
-Ethan
I have been with my boyfriend for a month and with in the first week we met I just had to tell him he was so good to me to begin with but after I told him he was relieved because he could tell I was holding something back. We made a promise to each other to tell one another if we are upset with something and to communicate so hopefully we will stay together and nothing bad will happen!! But I do think it’s best to tell him and even just communicating with a guy will do wonders to a relationship!! good luck <3
Going through the same problem only my boyfriend hasn’t noticed mine, but I feel like I he deserve to know. I’ve never told anyone, I’m scared I’ll come across as one of those girls who thinks she has more problems then she does.
Sweetie i think Ethan’s right u should tell him he’ll feel glad that u told him d truth!! <3
Thanks for backing me up!
-Ethan