Should I Be Friends With Benefits With My Crush?

Hi Heather,

I have a huge crush on this guy. Actually, I think I might even be in love with him. The last time we hung out, we kissed and it was great. Since then we’ve talked, but he’s not looking for a relationship. He asked if we could be friends with benefits instead. I don’t know what to do because I want to be with him in some way… but I love him and he doesn’t want a relationship. Do you think he’ll change his mind eventually? What should I do?

Honestly? No, I don’t think you should be in a friends with benefits type of relationship with this dude. Why? Because it seems like you have very strong feelings for this guy – and trying to have sex with no strings attached when you really like a guy is a recipe for heartbreak and disaster. Getting yourself into a FWB relationship is only going to make things much more complicated for you.

I can totally understand that you want to at least be with this guy in some way. We’ve all been there, and we all know how much that feeling stinks. But you obviously want this dude to be your boyfriend, and he doesn’t want that – he even said it straight up to you. You shouldn’t lower your standards just so that you can be with him a little bit, because in the end, that is never going to make you happy.

I mean, yeah, it might make you happy in the moment, when you two are cuddling in his bed. But what about the next few days, when you haven’t heard from him? Or what about if you see him flirting with another girl? Or if you hear about him actually being with another girl? That’s going to really, really hurt.

While FWB’s can be fun at times, they almost never end well – especially when you go into the situation with strong feelings for the other person. Yes, it’s possible for him to change his mind, but honestly, it most likely won’t happen. You can’t go into this thinking that he might end up being your boyfriend, because those expectations are too high for a strictly hook-up relationship.

Honestly, this dude is basically asking if he can use you for sex. If you didn’t like the guy, and you wanted the same thing, then I would say try it. But you do want something more, which is why it’s a bad idea for you to get involved with him like this. If he really wanted to be with you, he would be willing to settle down now. Sometimes, it’s better to leave a guy hanging then to give him exactly what he wants. Maybe if he sees what he’s missing out on, he’ll change his mind about you. And if not? Well, it’s his loss.

take care,

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Posted in: Help Me Heather, Love Advice
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  • pete

    you people are pathetic. If a girl even knows what FWB stands for I will shut her down. Pathetic losers with lowered standards and slutty mentality is what it is.

    You girls often turn down guys with the killer line “let’s just be friends”.
    Guys turn it around and say friend’s with benefits?
    Remember what “FRIEND” means to you girls, yea that’s the kind of friend guys think of you as too in this situation.

    Only a girl who is desperate would start humping their unattractive “friend”.

  • Danielle

    Honestly, here is the truth. What he wants is ‘No Strings Attached’ sex. Friends with Benefits is different. A FWB is someone you actually have a friendship with and you occassionally hook up, but you still hang out, do stuff together and carry on your normal friendship just with sex. FWB is strings attached because you two already have a history together and a friendship. So don’t get “No Strings Attached” confused with “Friends with Benefits” There is a total difference. If you have feelings for this guy and you decide to enter into a FWB or a NSA relationship, be prepared to stuff those feelings into the recesses of your mind because otherwise you are just going to get hurt. Date other people while talking to this guy.
    To Heather: In a study done last year by a Michigan University, I believe, it showed that in true FWB relationships, 72% of the friends remained friends if not better friends from the relationship, 10% turned in to actual relationships, while 28% ended in total disaster. That is far from “never work out”. Although for a FWB to work both parties have to be mentally and emotionally ready for this type of relationship and it is almost ALWAYS a crash a burn if one person goes into emotionally compromised.
    I am currently in a FWB relationship with a friend, who I crushed on, but had resorted to the idea that we would always just be friends and was ok with that. We hang out almost every weekend, watch movies, go to art galleries, restaurants, the park all sorts of things. We are still friends, it is not one of those where we just get together just to have sex. It’s not what FWB is about. We both date/talk to other people. Recently, my FWB admitted that he liked me more than he originally thought and we are now in offical dating status, just not exclusive. Now alos with our agreement, we do not have sex with anyone else and if at any point in time we get the feeling that someone we are dating we might want to sleep with or take that relationship to the next level we end the FWB status and go back to just being friends. This is how we are doing things and it’s working beautifully.

  • sglenn

    Dont!! I had a FWB before. I loved the guy and he new that he told me he loved me to, He told me that we would end up together after so long… Well we did end up together but just after two days after we started dating he cheeted on me, I confronted him about it and he told the whole school I was a slut and I put out for anyone. Its not woth the pain and hurt at all! If you were smart take the advice not to do it.

  • Sky

    Dont do it ! He just wants a sex buddy ! And he figures your the one because your in love with him ! One time you may piss him off and he may put you on front street , then your gonna look like a slut . You shouldnt have to go through the pain of his enormous penis inside you for him not to have no relationship with you ! It isnt worth it !

  • star

    No Way! it’s fun ATM, but in all honesty i like this guy i just met a week ago. We already kissed, nothing else but I had to tell him I just want to be friends because he isn’t looking for a relationship. I know i’ll get hurt and things won’t work out with us in the end. you should be with a guy who respects you and wants to get to know you, not your body. When a guy says can we be FWB it means he isn’t interested in you and he will never be. Men are simple. When they say something to you, listen, because usually the first time they say it, they really mean it. People do change, but in this situation I would just forget about him and go find someone else that wants you. 🙂

  • Rebecca

    Dont do it, I just got out of a FWB realtionship and now that we arent hooking up he treats me like I don’t even exist. I feel hurt and used and now i wished it hadn’t happened.

  • Lauren

    Dont do it, I just finish my fwb and I hurt and he is dating one of me mates! Its wont hurt now but trust me it dose!! And he said the same thing to me! He didnt want a relationship.. And look now! trust me dont do it!!

  • Briana

    Don’t do it! Trust me when I say it’s not worth putting yourself through that pain. Sure it may not hurt now but it will eventually, and it’s not gonna be easy. I had a great friend that Ive known since kindergarten and when we were freshmen in high school, we decided why not? It was both our first time and I guess that mightve added to my pain. We would make out after school and after the first week, I wanted him. I wanted him to be my boyfriend, someone I could tell my parents about, someone I could hang out with my friends, and go on dates with. But no, our relationship wasn’t like like that. We lasted 3 months when my heart couldn’t take it any more. I lost my best friend and my first love. Till this day (4 years later) I still can’t get over him, cant help but think that it wasn’t fair, I shouldn’t have been used like that. So just be careful with who you love, don’t go around kissing every hot guy you see because they are bound to leave a mark on you. Some will leave a bigger mark on you and some a smaller one. But the pain you might feel isn’t worth it.