Can You Have A Boyfriend You’re Not Attracted To?

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Mcms1314 said:

My boyfriend and I have a complicated past, but we love each other. I love talking with him, we could do it for days if we could. We’re always there for one another no matter what. Emotionally, it’s perfect, I guess. But physically, I’m just not attracted to him at all. I do the minimum with him, but just to keep him from complaining too much. On top of that, I find myself constantly thinking about other guys, but only physically. 

Sometimes I start to think that I want my boyfriend’s personality in the guy(s) I am physically attracted to. You know, just wanting to know what it would be like and feel like. So can you be in love with your boyfriend and not be attracted to him? And want someone else physically? Is that normal?

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  • nick

    I used to date a guy that I liked as more of a friend than as a lover, I wasn’t attracted to him physically and I wasn’t in love with him but I liked his personality. I liked to talk to him but I never wanted anything intimate. I now date someone who I am madly in love with emotionally and physically. I believe that physical attraction does matter to some extent as without it you may not want to get intimate which could cause issues in the relationship and you should probably just stay friends. However, personality goes a long way as you fall in love with someone for personality not their looks. So personally I think both are needed for a romantic relationship as your SO should be your best friend and lover at the same time. There are circumstances when people fall in love but don’t find their partner attractive and sometimes these work because they love their partners personality so much they look beyond their appearance or they actually gain an attraction to their partner physically depending how much they fell for them. With my ex I never gained an attraction physically even though I liked his personality and it just doesn’t work so I guess it depends on the person. I suppose everybody is different and there’s no harm in seeing someone for awhile to see how it goes and how you feel.

  • Trish

    I’m in that situation. I been dating a guy for almost 9 mos and there’s no attraction at all. I tried to be nice and give him a chance but there’s no attraction whatsoever so it’s definitely going to be difficult and you can’t push yourself.

  • Sarah

    It’s better to try to make physical attraction work, or try to work out an open relationship. Have a few flings and then tire of it because physical attraction is pretty limiting. Plus, it sounds like you’re in a safe relationship, which is good. You could find yourself in a violent relationship otherwise.

    Make physical attraction work and talk to your partner about it.

  • kate

    Run!! Your partner should be your lover first, best friend second. Unless you’re asexual, sooner or later this relationship will fail. Assuming that you’re not really into having sex with your man (given that you’re not attracted to him), you both will be unhappy. It’s a safe thing to do… but do you really want to live life not experiencing intense chemistry and amazing sex?

  • ashley

    Oooh boy. Im in the same situation. Im in a relationship with this person i have known for twelve years. We have been best friends through thick and thin and have always made time for one another no matter the situation at hand. Hes a really awesome person…we have no problems talking, hes nice, confident, will give the shirt off his back for any one. The prob is that ive never been truly physically attracted to him. Ive always been shallow and gone for a chizzled body and tight ass..its soo bad that when he leans in for a kiss i get grossed out. I even imagine hes some one else while were being intimate:( every one that meets him says hes a great guy and my family absolutely adores him……and i do too….but why must i be sooo shallow? I mean some times when he smiles, squints, and tilts his head trying to be cute it just reminds mr of a kid with downs syndrome:/

  • Dizzle

    My dude is over 10 years older, short and bald….. But if I have learned anything in this life of attractive a-holes, it’s to find someone that treats you right, is patient and will love you until the ends of the earth. Date to make you happy, shallow usually involves what other people think. An old lady told me the secret to her 55yr marriage was to ‘marry someone that loves you more than you love them. It sounds bad but I promise you will never be unhappy’…. Think of all the men you were head over heels for. Then think of all the men whom you broke their hearts…. Who treated you better?! Break the mold and go with happiness! I am madly in love with the man I have…. He brings me flowers and chocolate when I’m pmsing, and breakfast in bed, and tells me I’m beautiful when I’m haggard. 😀 it’s awesome! Break the mold ladies… Intelligence and loyalty should beat a pretty face and a 6 pack. Nobody else matters when it come to your life! Xoxoxox

  • anibananie

    Kendall Oh wow that’s exactly what happened to me! My best friend of a year or more confided that he liked me..he and I had a LOT in common, he always had my back and he was super awesome.. and he was leaving our school in a couple of months anyway… so I thought, why not give the whole relationship thing a try..because obviously our friendship would deteriorate if we continued as just friends while he still liked me. The only problem with this arrangement was that he wasnt my type. Sure some girls thought he was cute..but for me, the physical attraction was absolutely nada.So anyway,we had some awesome laughs and convos for the next few months and this attempts at getting intimate(boys will be boys) were hell..not to mention all the sugar sweet lovey comments that made me want to barf…and eventually he started feeling paranoid and clingy and self depreciated because of course physical intimacy makes you feel like someone appreciates you and this boosts your confidence, hence that glow people get when they’re in a healthy relationship…and he started flirting with another friend of mine to make me feel worse. To my shock other than wounded pride I felt no sort of heart breaking emotions..and I dumped him. We haven’t been the same since..moral of the story; for me love isn’t enough to sustain a relationship. Physical attraction is just as important..having said that- everyone is different, some people don’t need physical attraction to be happy. But you should never settle for sub par in life or you will always have regrets.
    So anyway good to know I’m not the only one who’s gone thru that horrible experience..also, I hope this helps..!

  • Thatgirl

    Honestly I’d rather date for looks than personality. Yeah, that’s a stuck up, concieted answer but it’s very true.

  • Czarina

    Okay, I’m going to try to reply as nerdily as possible (because I can totally relate for I, Czarina D. am dating a total nerd. Like stereotypical nerd…which is cool and thats why we’re dating in the first place <3). I was watching an episode of Doctor Who and during this episode the lead girl, Amy Pond, was left behind for 30-40 years waiting for her husband, Rory Williams, and the Doctor to come back and rescue her. She later admits this, and is totally good advice as to how you can overcome the physical attractivness part and she says (its not a direct quote but it's close enough) "When you first meet a completely gorgeous person, in a few minutes you realizes they're as dull as a brick. But when I met Rory, I thought 'hmm, okay, not bad. But then after a while, when [she] started to get to know this person starts to look completely different, like his personality is written all over his face. This is why i think Rory is the MOST beautiful man I have ever met". So the lesson to learn here is that no matter the physical attractivness…the person beneath starts to mold the exterior and should distort his physical appearance into something that reflects from within. So, my advice to look deep…and I mean really deep until you find that bonding agent from when you were first attracted to this person in the first place. That way, im going to be honest this was how i became attracted to my boyfriend, (sorry honey! You are super handsom but not model good looking…haha, supringly he prefers it that way) his physical attractivness will be overided by his insanely good looking personality. Which is way better, no?

  • Kendall

    i think its important to have a boyfriend that you’re physically attracted to as well because if you’re not, you’re likely to think about other guys like you said.
    i had the same problem my best friend liked me and i liked his personality but i wasn’t physically attracted to him but i told him i would give it a try but it wasn’t really working out because he liked me more than i liked him sooo i broke it off…
    does that make me a bad person..?
    i feel so bad

  • Hanna

    That just kind of sucks. I somewhat understand what she’s going through. I have been friends with a few guys who really fancied me but who I found unattractive. I had to say no to both of them because it made me sad that just the thought of kissing them would gross me out completely. Luckily they weren’t all that good and sweet anyway, I didn’t have to regret it too much. I have now found a bf that I love for both his personality and looks. He’s nothing super special, just my type. It’s good to find a balance.. you might be good with communication but i’m worried for your sex-life.

  • Aalexa

    Yes, it does SOUND weird to not be physically attracted to your boyfriend, but if thats the type of relationship you have then dont sweat it and just be happy with what you guys have. If you find that the physical part of a relationship that you want isnt there then rethink what is more inportant

  • amby_rosia

    I’m the same way. But then again sometimes I think I’d rather not have my boyfriend’s way he acts.

  • Rochelle

    Gurrlll, you need jesus. 😀

  • Allison

    I know how you feel. And…I don’t know how to answer. I’m half-dating a guy (it’s complicated, we’re at the point where we haven’t started dating yet, but it looks promising!) There’s next to no physical attraction, even though he’s really cute, and I want to be with him, but it’s hard.

  • briana

    The same thing is happening to me but then i realized something last week.
    Heres the situation. I love my bfs personality and mind. He makes me feel great about myself and i just love him. But then physically hes not my type. He shorter than what Im into, hes 5’5, and hes skinny(he has muscle but he’s just small). So yeah, that was my dillema.
    But last week, i sat down and thought about it. I thought about all those other guys that I liked and yeah they were hot and yeah we got along, but there was never that spark that i get with my BF. They never made me feel amazing like he does. I just absolutely love talking to my guy and being near him because of his personality.
    So i made up my mind, I love him because he makes me feel like I never have before(theres really no way to describe it except, true love!)
    So even tho physically hes not my type, i want him and i will never let him go because he makes me emotionally happy and thats what love is. LOVE AND LUST ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT
    so just sit down and think about him for an hour or so, really think about him. good luck 🙂

  • LittleRedWolfGirl

    This is a tricky one… obviously, if you aren’t physically attracted to someone, you aren’t going to want to get, well,physical with them. It’s unfortunate that society has tried to put the “shallow” label on people who put any kind of value on physical attractiveness, but the truth is that’s just how we are. It’s only shallow if ALL you care about is physical appearance, and it seems like that’s definitely not your case. And yes, it’s totally possible to fall in love with someone due to their personality instead of looks (that’s really what “falling in love” is all about, after all). It does seem, however, that you’re more interested in an emotionally intimate relationship with him, and that the chemistry that sparks the desire for a physical one isn’t there, and you shouldn’t feel bad about that because you can’t help it. The best advice I can give is to really ask yourself if you can deal with not wanting to be physical with him, and yet still date him. However, if you really think about it, that isn’t very fair to him. Guys (and girls) like physical intimacy in their romantic relationships. If you don’t think you’ll ever want to do more than “the bare minimum” with him, it might be best to break off the romantic relationship, and try to just be friends with him (After all, isn’t that what friendship is? That deep emotional relationship without anything physical?). I’ve found myself in situations many times where I really enjoyed talking to and hanging out with guys, but never had any desire for anything more. There just wasn’t any physical attraction or chemistry, and I had to be careful about how I interacted with them so as to not give the wrong idea. It’s a crappy situation to be in, for sure. You just have to think about what’s ultimately going to be the best thing for both you and him.

  • tina

    Absolutely not! It’s all about the chemistry and sparks for me! If it isn’t there it’s not going to work out! No matter how good the other stuff is, it just never does, well speaking from my own experiences of course.