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Dear Heather,
Heather, I’m just going to come out and say it: I like my best friend’s brother. I’ve liked him for years and apparently he likes me too, and he has for a while. But I love his sister like she’s my sister and he’s close to her as well. She knows I like him and he likes me, but I don’t think she’s ever really thought about us getting together. When she sees us flirting she gets annoyed. I don’t want to make her uncomfortable or angry. What do I do? Should I date him or forget about him?
I’m going to warn you right now that dating your best friend’s brother is probably a bad idea. Sure, there are times when it works out, but in general, I’d advise against getting involved in this kind of situation. Things can get messy fast and it becomes really easy for relationships and friendships to get ruined.
Being with your bestie’s brother can be really awkward for everyone. Your friend might feel weird when she sees you coming over to hang with her bro – but not her. She might start to feel really jealous of you two getting closer than she is with either one of you. And forget about talking to her about your relationship. Getting her involved is going to put her in the middle of things, and that’s the last place she’s going to want to be.
Think about what will happen if you and he break up. If things get messy (as breakups very often do), things are going to get seriously confusing. Even if your bestie doesn’t want to be in the middle of your relationship, she kind of will be. If there’s a lot of tension, she’ll end up feeling like she has to choose between you and her brother, and no one wants to make that decision. You also have to realize that he’s her family, and if they have a good relationship, she will probably always be loyal to him. Your relationship with her brother could put a strain on her relationship with you.
Are you okay with risking your friendship? |
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It will also be weird for you and him. Imagine going over to your BFF’s house to hang out with her and feeling like you have to avoid her brother? If you’re heartbroken over him, think about how you’ll feel when she casually mentions him. He will always be in her life, and it’s something you’ll have to learn to deal with. I know thinking about the end of a relationship before it even begins seems like a really negative way to look at things, and I’m not saying you two are definitely going to break up. But it’s important to consider this stuff before you start dating him.
If you’re still willing to give the relationship a try, then talk to your bestie. Tell her how you feel and be really honest with her. Let her know you really want her approval and you really want to know exactly how she feels about the whole thing. You don’t necessarily need her permission to be with him. But realize that if she hates the idea and you go for it anyway, it could end up messing up your friendship.
And please don’t hook up with him or date him behind her back. Lying to her in order to try to spare her feelings and make her feel less uncomfortable with things is only going to make everything worse. She’ll feel completely betrayed by two people who mean a lot to her, and she’ll be even less happy about the idea of you two being together.
If she gives you her blessing and you two go for it, make sure you keep your relationship and friendship as separate as you can. Don’t complain to your friend about her brother or complain to him about her. Make sure you make time for her as much as you’re making time for him. If she’s uncomfortable with the PDA (it is her brother, after all), don’t do it in front of her.
Just make sure you talk to your bestie before you do anything. Being honest and open is the best option here. But unless you really feel like you’re in love with him, I would find someone else.
take care,
Heather
What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com
Help – I hate my best friend’s boyfriend!
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I fell for my very best friends bro and he liked me too. But he didn’t know I had any feelings for him too. I was talking to my freind and she asked my who I liked. I told her it was her little bro and she was totally cool with it. She even told him and since them we have dated happily. She’s really happy for us and she dosnt feel weird around us at all. So don’t worry. A true friends always happy for you
My friend and I have been best friends for 6 years, i’m 29 and her brother has jus turned 21, weve always flirted when in each others company and he was asking me out 2 yrs back, but i didnt go.. recently weve ended up sleeping together a few times, he then says he wanted to take me out on a date and look at a relationship. Now out of the blue hes ignored me and says he sees me more as a mate n thought things wud change but they havent.. confused isnt the word how i’km feeling, the way he was with me, he couldnt keep his hands off me infront of people, he showed lots of affection towrads me and he even came round to my house when we couldnt have sex and spent the night cuddling me.. Fell wierd now going to my friends as if see him i jus dont know what to say? help or advice if anyone got ny
One of my close friends started dating my brother shortly after meeting him ( he always wanted to tag a long when we would hang out ) and I disapproved because I thought she could do better, and ended up ignoring them for the longest time. I’ve dated my brother’s friend before, and I regret dipping into that pool. She basically stopped being my friend the moment they got together and now they are constantly together and I find myself hating both of them, as they bring out the worst qualities in each other. They seem happy, though…I would suggest talking to your friend first, as I would have greatly appreciated my friend doing. But its not like she cares about anyone’s feelings but her own. Neither of them do.
Well my best friend started to date my brother behindmy back and didn t tell me till after a month of dating and at first i was ok with it until she got all moopy she never wanted to hang out at lunch and she sat on him in front of me i don t think its a good idea and now that they broke up she blaimed it all on me and how i was bugging her and now she is all depressed and never wants to come over any more so i might be different with u but
Bad idea sweetheart. I hate my best friend now
I had a really bad experience with this. My (ex) best friend dated my brother, and they ‘were in love’ according to him. They broke up and he wanted to get back together, she didnt. He killed himself.
I say dont do it, theres too much at risk
Okay, I dated my best friend (pretty ,uch sister)’s uncle (close in age, long-ish story). Anyway, we started dating at her bat mitzvah, so her entire family was there and they got to see it all happen. The awkward first dance (surrounded by tons of cameras), the shy hand holding, and the serious public goodbye kiss. Now, we lived in two different states, and were 14/16, so go figure, that ended fast. But the fact that he was her uncle drew the whole thing out. Every year I’d stay at his house with her family for Passover and we’d be stealing kisses, and at one point he even snuck down into the room I was staying in at night.. Took me so long to realize that he was never going to want me as a girlfriend again. But yeah, my best friend’s entire family knows. We get picked on for it. It’s seriously awkward too, because my feelings got hurt at the end.
Moral: Don’t do it. It’s just not a good idea. In the moment it seems like a great idea “Yeah, I’m already part of the family, so it’s like I’ll be with him forever!” quickly can turn into “Oh god, I can’t get away from him…”
This has happened to me TOO MANY TIMES! I could care less about it now.
The worst thing that has happened to me through a situation like this is my (used to be) best friend got pregnant with my brother’s baby… YEP! So now I’m just going to warn them once and say I told you so if he screws you over. c:
don’t go for it . it doesn’t work I’ve sadly been there before
Now i have that victoria justice song stuck in my head thank a lot lol
My best friend is about 2 years older than me and her little brother is about age. She’s practically my sister but she thinks that me and him SHOULD date, shes the one whos convinced were perfect for eachother. For the last couple years those 2 have rarely lived in the same house with each other because one of thems generally in a group home or something like that. Now that he’s moving home permanintly (for the for seeable future) she’s just moved out. Im wondering how this will work out cause i havent seen him more than once or twice in the last year because he hasnt been living with his family and he just visited them. But now that she’s moved out I don’t have an excuse to go to thier house and get to know him again
my bff wouldn’t even date my brother… i dont see who will… no offense
I’ve had that situation, and i have for years. His sis is like my sister, but we’ve known each other forever, we have a lot in common. I sit with them both at lunch and all of us are inseparable. Now, me and him are grown up and married with a beautiful baby on the way. SO, sometimes it works, so don’t be discouraged.
Thank you Alison Melissa this really helped me feel a little better with my situation since I am dating my best friends brother and slowly starting to fall for him I just wanted to see if all the negative opinions were true that I was getting but I guess sometimes it does workout
thank you