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Get real. You’re not that scared. | Source: Shutterstock
Let’s get this straight, people, commitmentphobia is not a real thing.
People who say they’re commitmentphobic mean that they’re afraid of commitment. But they’re not. At least not really. A real phobia is an incredibly intense and irrational fear of something. Like, it’s crippling and makes it harder to lead a “normal” life.
Ever been around someone who has arachnophobia (a fear of spiders) when he or she saw a spider? I have. And it was unbelievable.
I was in the car with a new-ish friend of mine and a little baby spider was crawling up the passenger side window. She screamed like I’d never heard a human scream before and then started yelling to pull over the car. I had no idea what was going on. She started sobbing, unbuckled her seat belt and dove into the back seat. This all happened while I was still driving, trying to change lanes and pull over! I finally made it to the side of the road, realized she was freaking out over the spider and got it out of the car. She calmed down and explained her arachnophobia. Then, she said, “Well, that’s the best I’ve ever handled that situation. I’m definitely getting better.” So, that was an improved case of arachnophobia! This stuff is serious.
Now, let’s get back to commitmentphobes and check out their reactions to commitment. Do they cross the street when they see a happy couple walking toward them? Scream in terror when they get asked out a second date? Uncontrollably sob when their significant other introduces them as “the new person I’m dating”? No, no and no. What normally happens before a self-diagnosis of commitmentphobia is someone decides they don’t want to be in their relationship. That’s a decision. Not a symptom of a phobia.
Commitmentphobia just doesn’t exist. Plain and simple. Giving a sudden bout of commitmentphobia as the reason for your break up is like blaming unicorns, Santa Claus and calorie-free Nutella for your break up. They’re all make believe and have no bearing on your relationships.
This is a make believe condition. And if I learned anything from the time I faked sick in sixth grade so I could get out of a vocab quiz and then it turned out that day was a snow day and we didn’t have school anyway and I had faked sick so well that my mom wouldn’t let me go outside to play and I was stuck watching cooking shows with her all day is that faking an illness is never the right way to go. Plus, we wound up totally skipping that vocab quiz, so I never studied the words and I still don’t really know what “taciturn” means, you guys. Feigned illness never pays!
So, come on. Your failed relationships aren’t due to a bogus illness. You’re not a commitmentphobe. You’re someone who doesn’t want to date another person any more. Let’s stop lying to ourselves and to our broken-hearted exes. Let’s start being honest.
Have you ever told anyone that you were a commitmentphobe? Had someone say it to you? Do you think commitmentphobia is real or do you agree with me? Let me know if the comments.
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you clearly dont know what your talking about here but thank goodness some of the girls who’ve commented are going through the same as me makes me feel so much better. I love with the guy I’m with but I can’t stand admitting we are in a relationship I feel like the label will ruin it. He gets upset because he thinks I’m ashamed of him, but thats so not true. He’d do anything for me though so he doesnt even tell anyone we are seeing eachother even though it upsets him I don’t know what to do.
Being afraid of commitment is a real thing. For sure. I’ve been with this guy for about 2 months now and I am blissfully happy with him. So happy that I catch myself smiling like an idiot at random times during the day just because he’s on my mind. He’s a great catch and I adore him. However, anytime he does or says something sweet or indicates in anyway that we are “together” (ie: PDA in public, uses the definition of an “us” , etc.) I freak out. I can’t handle it. Although he has to tread lightly around the subject, we’re happy, and he understands that I’m terrified of finding myself in a relationship. My fear is completely irrational and I hate it about myself. I am with a great guy who adores me that I am crazy about but I just can’t get past my fear; so unfortunately he finds himself at arms length many times. :\ If it’s a true fear of commitment, it doesn’t just hurt one party. It hurts both, because commitmentphobes sabotage their own happiness with another human being because of an irrational fear. Just because you don’t understand something, doesn’t mean its not very real to others. Get off your soap box.
Are you serious right now? A fear of commitment can make it harder for people to lead normal lives if normal means being in a relationship/getting married/etc. Plus fear can manifest itself in different ways. Just because someone doesn’t literally run away from a situation, doesn’t mean they’re not scared. And as you’ve kind of said yourself, people experience the phobia at different levels. Some may scream, but others may have learned to keep it more under control, or may even feel the fear in other ways like freezing, or in ways not easily seen on the surface. Hopefully your friend with arachnophobia will learn to control it better over time so that it affects her life less. But the fact that she’s already learned to control it as much as she can right now just goes to show that people can learn to control their reactions, at least a little bit. Not saying that no one lies about being commitment-phobic, but to write off everyone who claims they do is just plain ignorant. As much as things suck for your friend, it’s no reason to deny the existence of a condition that many people do have to live with, and often suffer from.
I don’t do relationships, maybe it’s just the title that puts the strain on it, and saying you have an open relationship doesn’t sound appealing or honest. I just date and people who understand it will take several spread out though a long period of time before I decide to plant my feet with that person, few times have I felt a freedom to go do as I please in a relationship. Could be the feelings part of, Only happened once and Not doing it again easily.
Okay, what about the people (you know, like me), who get nauseated, accelerated heart rate, and start shaking at the mere thought of being in a committed relationship? There is such a thing as a fear of commitment, it’s just that so many people use it as an excuse to dump another person. You can’t totally discount another person’s experiences just because you haven’t seen it yourself. It’s like saying there’s no such thing as bullying just because you haven’t been bullied.
wait.. I just got my first bf and I am getting those EXACT symptoms! I had no clue it was a thing! I thought I would just have to get used to it :/
I think people can definitley be afraid of commitment.
But one “disorder” I think that doesn’t exist is depression. I cant stand it when people complain about having “depression”.
So what do you think that thing, when people can’t get out of bed because everything feels meaningless, when they feel like it’s not worth it, when they just want to give up on life, is?
That is not a normal attitude, or a way to call out for attention, that is a serious psychological issue.
Depression is not only a psychological, but also a physiological disorder. It results from deficiencies in certain parts of the brain. Many people say they have it and they don’t. It is, however, a legitimate medical condition. It can end in extremely tragic results, often suicide. Hopefully, even though you are clearly ignorant about this condition, you at least have the decency to be respectful and supportive when someone “complains about having depression.” Otherwise, you may well contribute to one of those tragic results one day.