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Dear Heather,
I recently found out that my boyfriend watches and likes porn. I never knew this about him. We’re a Christian couple and I think it’s really wrong of him to watch it. We’ve been dating for over a year now, and I literally break down every time I think about him watching it. He is looking at naked women while he has a girlfriend!
He says he’s committed to me and I believe him. But it disgusts me and lowers my self-esteem so much, and I’m so much more insecure about my body now. My friends say I’m stupid for getting so upset about this because this is what guys do. What do I do? Is it normal for me to be upset and jealous about this? Please help.
It’s understandable that you’re feeling bummed out about your boyfriend watching porn. It can be hard to accept the idea that your BF is watching (and getting off to) other naked ladies who most definitely aren’t you. However, the truth is that an overwhelming majority of guys out there watch porn on a regular basis. And while I’m not saying you’re weird for feeling jealous or that you have to start watching porn yourself, it might be a good idea to get a teensy bit more comfortable with the idea of your current, and future, boyfriends watching it.
It sounds like you’re feeling threatened by the fact that your BF is looking at other naked girls who might not look just like you. But trust me when I say that you should never let women in porn (or any women in general) make you feel bad about yourself. Pornography is all about fantasy. Most dudes who watch it realize that this isn’t what sex is always like in real life, and that real women don’t look or act like porn stars. I seriously doubt that your boyfriend is ever comparing you to the girls in those videos. Your BF is with you for a reason – because he thinks you’re awesome and gorgeous! Trust me, if he had to pick you, a real girl, or videos of girls he’s never met and can’t touch, he’s going to pick you.
Remember: he likes you more than porn stars! | Source: Big Stock
So then why do guys watch porn? Well, as I’ve said before, men are visual creatures. The best way for them to get off is to look at pictures or watch dirty videos. Women aren’t like that – we don’t always need images in order to pleasure ourselves. Also, men think about sex more than women, especially teenage boys. In short? He’s horny, he wants to masturbate, and porn is his easiest way of doing that. He also probably enjoys seeing some of his fantasies play out – things he might be embarrassed to admit to liking or something he doesn’t think he’ll ever get to do himself.
Asking your BF to stop watching porn will probably only make him feel like you’re controlling him, and it might backfire on you. Unless he feels like he has to watch it multiple times a day or he’s ditching you to watch it, porn is relatively harmless. It’s just a way for him to get out his sexual frustrations, or, you know, just have a good time on his own. Masturbation is normal and actually healthy. And I can guarantee that once he’s done with his business and turns the porno off, he most likely forgets all about it a few hours later.
Listen, I know it’s hard to get used to the idea that your BF checks out other girls and is attracted to other girls. But it’s something you have to learn to deal with in a relationship. It doesn’t mean he’s any less attracted to you or that he’d rather be with someone else. And if the idea of him watching porn still really bothers you, ask him not to bring it up – and also don’t let yourself think about it so much. Remind yourself that he’s with you for a reason.
take care,
Heather
What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com
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My boyfriend and I watch porn together all the time and I don’t see it as anything wrong. I actually have never thought about it that way. HE’ simply watching other people have sex and getting off and so am I. I guess because I do it too I really don’t care
hehe. You have nothing to worry about <3
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As some of the other Christian girls have said, in our belief system, watching porn is considered wrong. And even if it wasn’t, nobody has the right to tell you that you shouldn’t be upset about this. You have your own feelings and none of us can tell you to feel otherwise. It can be really damaging to a girl’s self esteem to find out that her boyfriend is watching porn and it definitely can affect the relationship.
To say that “…it might be a good idea to get a teensy bit more comfortable with the idea of your current, and future, boyfriends watching it.”, to me is a narrow minded view of looking at the situation. There are plenty of men in the world who strive to stay sexually pure for their future wives and they work hard to stay away from porn or any other type of sexual act that they feel would be dishonoring to the woman they will someday marry. Many people think that is unrealistic and silly for any guy to think he can stay abstinent until marriage, but it is a personal decision that plenty of guys make.
It is okay to set a standard for your relationships, especially when it is based off of your belief in God, which has very clear guidelines for how we are to live our lives. No, I am not going to sit here and say that there is a guy that won’t struggle with lustful feelings, that is completely ignorant. But there are guys who will make the effort to stay loyal to you in every single area of their lives.
Feel free to email me if you want to talk more about this: ask.sarahkaitlin@gmail.com
So I watch a lot of porn and I know the only reason I do it is to satisfy myself and not to lust over men and same for ur bf and women trust me xx
To say porn is a guy thing is incorrect…
Just as many women watch porn, either
while masturbating alone or with their boyfriends,
married women watch porn with their husbands too.
While some women might not be as open about
watching porn or discuss it amongst friends.
In fact a 2010 a foxnews.com survey found that 76%
of women use porn.
Well, I’d say it’s okay he watches porn. He has needs, and he doesn’t want to pressure you to fulfill them, but on the other hand he’s faithful and doesn’t want to go sleep with females that aren’t his gf. So he watches porn. As long as he doesn’t do it so frequently that it becomes an addiction, it’s actually sort of a good thing imho.
Its great that your boyfriend was real with you about watching Porn.
Is he having sex with someone else? I hope not. (well yes if you count his hand a.k.a himself!) I do think you’re over reacting, but I still think you have the right to. Another note, to say that men are visual creatures and women aren’t I think that’s complete bulls***.
I’m a visual woman, I watch porn. Saying men are the only people that are visual creatures is just an over used excuse for women. It’s all based on the person, not statics.
Girl, you have every right to feel uncomfortable and upset that your boyfriend addicted to pornography. It is wrong and demoralizing and it is a problem. Yes, lots of men are addicted to porn and so it seems “normal” and nothing to worry about but THAT IS WRONG. I urge you to pray continually for him and I will too. Talk to him about it about how you feel. He is lusting and isn’t fair ton you or his future wife. It is adultery, my dear sister.
I understand exactly how you feel because my boyfriend and I are both strong Christians and he is addicted to pornography. Unfortunately it is something that they (yours and mine) will always struggle with. The best thing you can do is pray for him and your relationship with each other and talk to him. Be honest with each other. Remember that God is on your side and He doesn’t want this for either of you.
I’ll be praying for you both and will keep you dear in my heart.
I don’t think that’s fair to say “if he’s Christian he shouldn’t do it”. I may not be Christian myself, but I’ve had plenty of religious friends, so I understand the Christian stance on it. However, it’s just not fair to tell those guys they have to basically blue ball themselves until marriage. It’s totally healthy and safe to watch porn (as long as the content is legal), and as long as you know it isn’t what sex is really like. If having premarital sex is a big no-no, isn’t it better for him to get off from watching porn than having sex? (I totally disagree with this, but I get the whole religious thing). Honestly, I think that saying “No porn, no masturbating, and no sex until marriage” is asking people to not be human, and that’s just not right.
since when is watching porna “human” thing. last time i checked porn didnt exist back whn there were no computers. i get the whole masturbating thing and having sex thing but porn? umm no
‘So then why do guys watch porn? Well, as I’ve said before, men are visual creatures. The best way for them to get off is to look at pictures or watch dirty videos. Women aren’t like that – we don’t always need images in order to pleasure ourselves.’
I can’t believe I’m reading something this stereotyping on a site for teenagers. Men are visual creatures but women aren’t like that? Rubbish. Way to marginalise girls/give guys an excuse for looking at porn.
Some people are visual, some not so much. It’s all down to the individual! I’m a girl. I’m visual. Porn is awesome, as long as you can distinguish between fiction and reality. Definitely my easiest way to get off. It hasn’t put me off sex or my partner one bit – probably the opposite. (Again, that’s because I know the line between fiction and reality).
It isn’t saying ALL guys are like this, but it IS statistically more common among guys (especially teenage ones) to watch porn. And the question had nothing to do about girls watching it, so it makes sense that it wasn’t discussed in as much detail. Furthermore, it says women don’t ALWAYS need pictures. This is also statistically accurate. This doesn’t mean women never watch porn. I have. It’s just stating statistical facts, not generalizing both genders. And you act like guys need an excuse. They will continue to watch porn even if they never find the “excuse” this advice apparently gives them.
It’s statistically more common for guys to watch porn – it’s also more common for guys to be okay with watching porn. The article backs that up, and it generalizes by saying that ‘men are visual creatures’ and ‘the best way for (men) to get off is to look at pictures or watch dirty videos.’ All of this paints porn as a guy thing, rather than something for everyone to take or leave. Statistics show what the majority do, but overreliance on them leads to stereotyping. Can we please look at what a person likes, or what people like?
if your boyfriend is Christian, he shouldnt be looking at porn. It’s against what God says about lust and modesty. You should remind him of this. I’ll be praying for you
<3
you’re an idiot. there is no God, and even if there is, he definitely didn’t write the Bible and didn’t speak to you about this matter so you don’t know what you’re talking about.