Is It Normal To Be Jealous Of My Boyfriend Watching Porn?

Dear Heather,

I recently found out that my boyfriend watches and likes porn. I never knew this about him. We’re a Christian couple and I think it’s really wrong of him to watch it. We’ve been dating for over a year now, and I literally break down every time I think about him watching it. He is looking at naked women while he has a girlfriend!

He says he’s committed to me and I believe him. But it disgusts me and lowers my self-esteem so much, and I’m so much more insecure about my body now. My friends say I’m stupid for getting so upset about this because this is what guys do. What do I do? Is it normal for me to be upset and jealous about this? Please help.

It’s understandable that you’re feeling bummed out about your boyfriend watching porn. It can be hard to accept the idea that your BF is watching (and getting off to) other naked ladies who most definitely aren’t you. However, the truth is that an overwhelming majority of guys out there watch porn on a regular basis. And while I’m not saying you’re weird for feeling jealous or that you have to start watching porn yourself, it might be a good idea to get a teensy bit more comfortable with the idea of your current, and future, boyfriends watching it.

It sounds like you’re feeling threatened by the fact that your BF is looking at other naked girls who might not look just like you. But trust me when I say that you should never let women in porn (or any women in general) make you feel bad about yourself. Pornography is all about fantasy. Most dudes who watch it realize that this isn’t what sex is always like in real life, and that real women don’t look or act like porn stars. I seriously doubt that your boyfriend is ever comparing you to the girls in those videos. Your BF is with you for a reason – because he thinks you’re awesome and gorgeous! Trust me, if he had to pick you, a real girl, or videos of girls he’s never met and can’t touch, he’s going to pick you.

Remember: he likes you more than porn stars! | Source: Big Stock

So then why do guys watch porn? Well, as I’ve said before, men are visual creatures. The best way for them to get off is to look at pictures or watch dirty videos. Women aren’t like that – we don’t always need images in order to pleasure ourselves. Also, men think about sex more than women, especially teenage boys. In short? He’s horny, he wants to masturbate, and porn is his easiest way of doing that. He also probably enjoys seeing some of his fantasies play out – things he might be embarrassed to admit to liking or something he doesn’t think he’ll ever get to do himself.

Asking your BF to stop watching porn will probably only make him feel like you’re controlling him, and it might backfire on you. Unless he feels like he has to watch it multiple times a day or he’s ditching you to watch it, porn is relatively harmless. It’s just a way for him to get out his sexual frustrations, or, you know, just have a good time on his own. Masturbation is normal and actually healthy. And I can guarantee that once he’s done with his business and turns the porno off, he most likely forgets all about it a few hours later.

Listen, I know it’s hard to get used to the idea that your BF checks out other girls and is attracted to other girls. But it’s something you have to learn to deal with in a relationship. It doesn’t mean he’s any less attracted to you or that he’d rather be with someone else. And if the idea of him watching porn still really bothers you, ask him not to bring it up – and also don’t let yourself think about it so much. Remind yourself that he’s with you for a reason.

take care,
Heather

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Posted in: Help Me Heather, Love Advice
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  • Sig

    Whoever gave this girl advice should reassess their job. “Get used to it because all guys do it?”
    Give me a break. Sure, there is comfort in numbers, but just because “all guys do it” — which is untrue — does not mean that porn isnt harmful.
    How about raising the bar of expectations a bit higher for men? Porn is easy, lazy way of achieving sexual satisfaction. I have broken up with many men who view porn because it does not fit in with my morals (and no, I am not religious in any way). We accept what we believe we deserve and I deserve better than a man who views pornography. So do you.

    I would advise this girl to never settle & have high standards for yourself & the people you choose to surround yourself with. There are plenty of men out there who do not view pornography and who understand that it is harmful to your brain. I have found and married such a man. I would advise anyone who struggles with watching porn to educate themselves and visit yourbrainonporn.com

    Sexual, high quality intimacy between two people takes effort on both parts to build. There are plenty of books and tools couples can use to learn about pleasure zones, sexual positions, sex toys, communcating sexual fantasies, role-playing, etc. Porn is the lazy way.

  • Tendo Pain

    You can do 2 things! Kill yourself or deal with , welcome to the real world.

  • Sly

    So if you’ve studied modern research at all, watching porn affects the same part of your brain that a drug like cocaine might. Hence it becomes addictive. I’ve dealt personally with guy friends who’ve struggled to stop as single men and in a relationship. It’s not harmless because society and the world tells you it is. The depth of damage it does to your psyche and relationships is huge. It decreases true intimacy to us being lustful animals. Commited people in relationships have no business watching other people have sex on tv or the computer, the same way they wouldn’t want each other watching and actual couple have sex alone and getting off to it. Unless that’s your lifestyle/taste, don’t lie to yourself to make it okay. It’s disrespectful to the person you are with that you need to engage and indulge in pornography to satiate your temporal desires that are made for your parter and you to share.

  • Shannon

    Heather… not sure who made you an expert on anything. Why is it always the women that must change? Aren’t you a woman? Why do you insist that we adapt to a man’s wishes? Do you have daughters? Imagine your boyfriend doesn’t know your daughter and is getting off to her? Since you have no problem with porn this shouldn’t be an issue right? How about we start teaching our boys to respect women and to understand that pornography is disgusting, misogynistic, degrading, and disrespectful to women. You should be ashamed of your response

    • Sly

      Amen. We eat it all up because we were told that it tastes good. It’s time to deconstruct our cultural world views.

  • Memo Contreras

    My now ex-boyfriend but father of my son is addicted to porn, his parents are Christian and have explained to him how it is actually cheating. I gave him a choice either porn or his family and ultimatly he chose porn. I will admit since we’ve had our son our sex life hasn’t been as good and that’s the excuse he tried to give me but that’s BS because back when we were having sex every night after we were done he’d go watch porn after I would fall asleep. I honestly believe that for some men porn can be like a gate way drug into cheating. That’s what happened with my ex’s ex-wife. It blows my mind the lack of control some of you men have on your penis’, if you do it have the respect to come clean about it up front and give the girl the chance to decide if that’s something she can deal with, don’t hide it like a dirty little secret. If it isn’t something she can handle you don’t want to risk loosing everything.

  • Mariposa Stephanie Azurna

    Yes its like fantasy and later on he will leave you with a girl that looks like the porn girls.

  • James

    Just suck his penis more.

  • L

    Well, the problem is women or even men don’t realize we guys put women in 2 categories: one is “girl” and the other is “sexual object”.
    Let’s take the last category, we will never get romantic feelings, respect or even as far as give them importance. Even if it sounds harsh they are just there to please. We will never leave a girl we love for them and we will never even touch one of them if we are pleased with our sexual life. And that’s how we see porn stars. Ofc everyone standards are different,but I could bet your boyfriend has ok standards.
    If you have a steady relationship you have nothing to worry about.

    // and if you really can’t stand the tough of your boyfriend watch porn, make him be tired of sex all the time, and he won’t open porn

  • Nikki

    For someone who doesn’t like their boyfriend using porn things like “it doesn’t mean he’s less attracted to you” will go STRAIGHT over their head. I’ve been there before. None of the old sayings work.

  • MsV

    This is terrible advice. Feelings are feelings and they are not right or wrong. No one needs to change the way they feel. And there are plenty of guys out there that don’t watch porn as there are plenty of women that do watch porn (again, bullcrap on the women are not visual creatures. I watch porn myself and I do so alone).
    What you need to do is be radically honest. Tell him how you feel. Don’t even excuse yourself for it or say things like “I’m sorry but…” or “I know it sounds strange but…” Just start with “I don’t appreciate when you…” If you want to explain that it gives you feelings of jealousy, then do so. If he ever leans towards questioning why you feel that way, then just stand by the fact that your feelings are your feelings and there is nothing wrong with them. Maybe you’ll end up having a conversation that will make you feel better about the situation. Ideally, he’ll find the best way to accommodate to you assuming he doesn’t want to make you feel that way. Ultimately, I wouldn’t stay with someone that doesn’t at least show effort or express a concern for your feelings in this regard.

    • G. P.

      This ^ Loved this! Well, I watch it myself, and I agree with what you’re saying 100%. Feelings are feelings. If my habits are troubling my partner I would like to know and I would try to get better or stop. Whatever that habit is! Maybe you loudly chew gum with your mouth open, or maybe you watch porn – and it doesn’t even matter the contend or the quantity. If it’s bothering them, why wouldn’t you care? Of course in life we have to learn too how to understand differences between people. But maybe this is something for guys (or maybe girls like me) to understand the difficulties that other people have with this. And if it SO COMMON for people to dislike, isn’t there something to look closely at?