I Had No Idea My Dog Would Cock Block Me

dog cock block

She’s such a bitch! | Source: Shutterstock

My dog Lola is the queen of compliments when it comes to photos I post of her on the Internet. She is a Wishbone lookalike and a magnet for comments like “Oh my GODDD CUTEST dog EVER!!” and other I-want-to-play-with-her-esque words of adoration. But, like any high-angled, overly-contrasted Facebook photo, Lola’s online persona is not entirely accurate. I hate to say it, but that dog can be a real bitch (and I don’t just mean that she’s a female pup.)

Lola has the annoying tendency to ALWAYS be up in my business. She follows me literally everywhere and she makes it her number one (probably only) priority to be the center of my attention at all times. I get that she just really loves me, and that’s cool. But when she starts competing with guys I bring over for my affection, that’s when she morphs from the cute dog that I love into a total cockblock.

A while ago, I invited this guy over that I had seen at a few parties and had been crushing on. The plan was to cook dinner together and watch a movie. Casual right? I figured that the plan was foolproof, but Lola had other ideas…

As soon as we walked in together and I forgot to spend my typical ten minutes petting her and telling her how much she had been missed, she got super hot under the collar. (See what I did there?) Once she started barking, trying to calm her down was useless. The only thing that seemed to subdue her was to hold her like an infant and pet her back—totally not the ideal situation for impressing a new guy with my cooking skills…

cock block dog lola

THIS is my Lovely Lola . . . SO BAD!

When we had finally finished dinner, after tons of apologies and frustrated moments courtesy of Lola, we sat down on the couch and cozied up to watch the movie. I was really feeling this new guy and I could tell he was into me too. We both leaned in for a kiss and I closed my eyes. That’s when shit hit the fan.

For a millisecond, I didn’t register what was happening. I was completely freaked out by this guy’s sloppy kissing skills and bad breath—what a disappointment, right? Then I realized I WAS MAKING OUT WITH MY DOG.

As soon as my man and I had moved close to lock lips, Lola had decided she wanted in on the action. She jumped over to where we were sitting and started three-way making out with the two of us on the couch. The guy and I both leapt back in disgust, but Lola didn’t budge. She had her tongue all up in my face, with no intention of stopping.

Needless to say, they guy was totally repulsed and I didn’t hear from him again. I guess he didn’t have a sense of humor about the whole situation. But can I blame him? He just got to 1st base with a dog after all . . . and my dog had successfully cock blocked me.

Is your pet kind of an attention whore? Have you ever been cock blocked by an animal (or a sibling, or your mom, or your ex)? Tell us in the comments!

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  • Okie

    Bulldogs r the absolute worse. Scary? Not to the owner, always had em. I’m from oklahoma mid 20s guess what most would call a “country boy” anyway though this story mad me laugh bein there to many times I couldn’t help but understand the guys frustration. we’ve had this one since 5 weeks old he’s 1 1/2 years old and he’s ruining our 5 year relationship he wants to be on the couch, bed, laps middle period. And I get so irritated and my girl will say you’ll have to ask “me” if u can get up here. FUCK No!!! I love him don’t get me wrong he sleeps with me he’s a baby anybody that’s actually had an American bulldog and don’t just assume by word of mouth knows how affectionate they are. I’m sick of it he’s my dog ya know? i care bout him like a kid but sometimes I just wanna say it’s me or the dog but she don’t care. We used to put him in the bathroom for times like that but it’s been MONTHS since that’s happened. When it comes down to the realistic situation I’m a human, he’s a dog. Ladies trust me that is worse then a tease wayyyyy worse then a period, blue balls, anything trust me!! Nothing is a bigger turn off/ piss off then pickin a dog over a man, and that’s exactly what it is if the dog don’t get dealt with. It’s exactly like a stupid irresponsible mother at a grocery store lettin there kids run wild then givin you that look/smile, you know that one like “ain’t he/she cute?” NO get your fuckin kid on a leash i do not think your kid/dog/pet is cute that’s why it’s yours not mine, and especially an animal getting their way over me?? Hell no. You had the option to please yourself/ possibly the guy, fling or who knows how far it could’ve gone but I hope if not him u got someone by now and have learned. No offense by this sorry for the rant I stumbled on this and I deal with it every day

  • Carter

    While your story is funny and I laughed, I don’t believe it really happened. The needy dog part yes, and even the licking. But not the guy storming out. I can’t imagine that you, who shown by your writing has a good sense of humor, would bring home such a stiff. You wouldn’t have been attracted to him. And any guy would laugh that crap off, not storm out like a b**ch. Anyway, funny story.

    while your story is funny, and I laughed,

  • Bmblb

    If I had been in that situation, I would’ve picked her up and locked her in another room when she started acting like a human baby would have. Obviously, give her food and water to sustain her, but I would’ve waited until after my date was over to bring her back out, since she was that much of a problem!

  • Britt’ny

    Your problem stems from the fact that you have let you dog take ownership of you. I would invest some time into studying basic dog behavior becayse she’ll only get worse. She may graduate to full on attacking anyone who touches you, which isn’t uncommon. For your sake and Lola’s get help.