Ask A Guy: How Do I Make My Friends With Benefits My Boyfriend?

Friends With Benefits Advice

How do you make things more serious? | Source: ShutterStock

Hello Ethan:

I am new to Gurl.com and I have been reading your advice and I can’t get enough! I also have a question that I would like to be answered… I have recently become “friends with benefits” with a guy whom I have feelings for. When we started hooking up, we both agreed to a no strings attached relationship and I thought I could handle it but now I’m not so sure. I think I want him to be my boyfriend. How do I make things more serious?

First of all, thanks for reading! Glad you like the column. As for your question, it’s actually one I get a lot in person, so I’d be happy to help.

Ideally, the simplest (and most obvious) way to turn a casual fling into a legit relationship is address the issue head on, and let the guy know what you want. If you can sense that your dude is starting to develop deeper feelings for you as well, a “State of the Relationship” discussion will be the first step towards more commitment. You can even start by asking him how he feels things have been going before working your way up to throwing out words like “boyf” and “girlf.”

Unfortunately, there’s a reason “it’s complicated” is a relationship status option on Facebook. Often, as any romance develops, one partner may desire more intimacy than the other may be ready for. (This previous post might help you figure out if your dude is a player.) To avoid such frustration, you always have to be careful about getting invested in any “no strings” situation. But if you’re already in too deep, and the straightforward approach hasn’t worked or you’re certain it won’t suffice, you might need to use more advanced tactics.

I don’t advocate playing games once exclusivity has been established, but a little mystery has never hurt any couple in their earliest stages. If you can tolerate it, give the relationship some space. Don’t ignore him or act like a jerk, but back off from initiating plans and reaching out to him for a bit. If he’s into you, he’ll come running back once he feels like you’re slipping away. If he just lets you fade into the background without any sign of a fight – trust me, he was never meant to be!

Good luck!
Ethan

Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

 

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  • Katy

    I’m totally going through this right now. I’ve been sleeping with a guy for like… 5 weeks now. Last week right after we had done the deed he blurts out “I’m not looking for a girlfriend, I feel like maybe you like me and I just want to be up front on this..” but he wouldn’t shut up and I ended up having a panic attack because I didn’t know what had happened… I don’t even know if I like him, or if it’s just hormones, but he’s a good guy and we have a lot in common. I wish I knew where all that had come from. It sucks that a guy who is into you for sex acts almost exactly the same as a guy who really likes you. I’m definitely going to back up before I get hurt though. I don’t usually let guys hang around this long if commitment isn’t on the table.

  • StaceyMay

    Its always nice to hear a guys perspective on a matter such as this. I have been with my guy almost a year. I feel like we are on the verge or at least getting closer…but he is also afraid of getting hurt. The things is we never declared it to be fwb it just happened. But we both do want to get remarried.

    It is becoming less and less about the fwb and more about communication and doing things together. Still haven’t met friends or family. Guess time will tell.

  • Fatima

    I need some help please. So I know this guy for years, his brother is married to my cousin, he comes over for Christmas with my family… Last year we decided to do this FWB which we aren’t really friends per say. We have amazing sex and he’s super sweet cuddles and even spends the night. I have asked him what this is and he says it’s just sex. I told him I was interested in something more and he said he wasn’t ready but he could give me what I wanted. We started hooking up again, it’s hard not to give in. He texts me all the time, good morning/night but we don’t go out on dates or hangout outside the bedroom. What should I do? I’m really falling for him but I don’t want to push it.

  • ambolovess

    im in the same boat

  • Michele

    Wow I love ur advice and this kinda helps my situation with my FWB. How can you tell if ur FWB wants to be ur boyfriend more than an FWB. Because I found this really cute guy that is like in love with me but it’s an LDR. My FWB has been my first love and i tried to end things with him but he kept texting and calling Me too meet up. We met up to talk but we didn’t do that. Does he like me for me, or does he just want to hook up with me?

  • sexygurl101

    thnx 4 the advice.

  • Mary Swayer

    Same thing here :/