Hey, nice guys? Stop complaining that girls only date douchebags. It’s not our faults.

First of all, all of you “nice guys” who complain that we never go out with you? How many of you have actually asked any of us out? So many alleged “nice guys” who bitch, moan, and complain about who they see their female friends smooching have never mustered up the balls to ever make a move. Are we supposed to wait forever for your stuff to drop? Because we won’t. Even if we really like you, eventually, if you don’t throw us a bone (please don’t misread that, it may end in an assault charge or at least a gross misunderstanding), we’re going to move along to someone who does.

Second, why are “nice guys” only nice until they get rejected? Look, we get it. It sucks and it hurts when someone you’re attracted to isn’t interested. But guess what, nice guys? That stuff happens to “nice girls,” too. And being bitter and jaded and making generalizations about an entire gender (“Girls only like jerks!”) won’t get you laid any quicker, so you may want to get over yourself, dust off, and get back on the proverbial bike.

Thirdly, are you sure we only like douchebags? Because if a guy is genuinely douche-y, chances are we’ll figure it out eventually and bounce. The fact that you’re denouncing our taste in guys isn’t making you any more attractive. In fact, it’s a little insulting to us that you assume we make crappy decisions and that you know better than we do about our own love lives. It’s also, ironically, a pretty douchey thing to do. And please do remember that most douchebags start out pretty nice–that’s how they trick us! So cut the girls in your life a little more slack, will you?

Fourth, think for a second about a literal douchebag. Like, an actual bag that holds douche. Chances are you don’t even know what that looks like, but we’ll let you know: It usually comes in a pretty package and is supposed to smell pretty good. Part of why we’re attracted to guys who you may assume are douchebags is because, well, they’re often pretty goodlooking, and they usually shower regularly. If you’re a “nice guy” who’s always covered in corn chip crumbs and you don’t wash your hair, we’re not going to want to make out with you. And if we don’t want to make out with you, we’re not going to go out with you. You can have friendship without attraction, but you can’t have a relationship without it. If you’re not putting forth your best self, don’t whine when you get friend zoned.

On that note, can you stop whining in general? That would be great, because it’s not solving anything. In fact, it kind of makes us lose respect for you when you lament for hours on end about how great you are and why we can’t see it because we’re dumb. We’re not dumb, you’re just a little annoying, and probably more than a little clingy. And clingy doesn’t end well. We already warned Taylor Swift about this.

Is it true that some of us like to be kept guessing? Yes. Is it true some of us like the idea that we can possibly tame a bad boy? Yeah, it is. But not all the time.

The fact is, just because a guy isn’t you doesn’t mean he’s a douchebag. Being a self-proclaimed “nice guy” doesn’t entitle you to any girl you want. Chances are if a girl is dating someone you think is a douchebag, it’s because that douchebag, however vinegar-y and Summer’s Eve scented he may be, had the confidence to approach her and ask her out (which is so sexy!), and chances are there’s more to him than you can see from a jealous outsider’s perspective. Now hurry up and ask us out already. We’re waiting for you!

Has a “nice guy” ever accused you of only dating jerks? Have you ever dated a guy that your guy friends thought was a douchebag? Have you ever had to friend zone a guy? Do you think girls really do like jerks better than “nice guys”? Tell us about it in the comments!

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