I’d love to declare myself the Queen of Couture Clothing, the Empress of Endless Summers or the Princess of Private Jets, but sadly, I have to confess that when it comes to being totally fixated on my ex boyfriends, I’m pretty much the top in my field.
But so, it seems, is Robert Pattinson. I hear that Rob is totally addicted to reading tabloid reports about his breakup with Kristen Stewart, which pretty much tells me that he’s not as over it as he’s letting the world believe. If you’re going through a split too, you probably don’t have the gift/curse of having magazines and blogs devoted to your ex, but you may be obsessing over him nonetheless. Read on and see if any of these post-breakup behaviors sounds eerily familiar…
1. You Follow His Movements Obsessively
I don’t mean this literally. But stalking an ex online is just as bad, if not worse, for you as actually stalking him because you can draw your own creepy, paranoid conclusions about how much fun he’s having without you--and possibly with someone new. R.Patz, are you listening?
2. You Tell EVERYONE You’re SO OVER IT
Ever heard the phrase “The lady doth protest too much”? It means that when someone is a little too demonstrative about something, the opposite is usually true. Like how Jennifer Aniston manages to mention Brad Pitt in ever single interview she does? Yeah. So if you’re always crowing about how you TOTES don’t care that your ex is dating someone else, you ain’t foolin’ anybody, honeychild.
3. You Still Mark Time As Though You’re Still Together
My college BFF is so hung up on her ex, she sends me texts saying things like “Happy Labor Day! I bet John is at his beach house--I should be there with him :(“ or “Today would’ve been our 6-month anniversary...I wonder what he would’ve got me?” Um how about a restraining order? No, no, I sympathize with her, but she’s only prolonging the misery of the breakup by framing her life in terms of a romance that doesn’t exist anymore.
4. Suddenly You Love Tennis Too!
Don’t kid yourself: you don’t actually love tennis. Or dubstep. Or Breaking Bad or whatever else your ex was super into that you never really cared about--until he left. It’s just a way to be tangentially close to him. There are more boys out there--and better sports to watch anyway--so don’t immerse yourself by things that won’t let you emotionally move on. Do you, girl!
5. His Friends Are Still Your Friends
Don’t kid yourself about this either. Sure, his bros might be cool and funny, but so are a lot of other dudes...dudes who have NOTHING to do with your ex. If you’re secretly hoping that his pals will go to bat for you and remind your former flame of your awesomness, you’re wasting your time...and your heart!
6. People in Love Can Go Eff Themselves
Oh, you’re happy and in a good relationship? GREAT GO KILL YOURSELF. After my last breakup, I was so lovesick over my ex that that was pretty much how I felt about my coupled-up friends. But when I truly moved on and got over it, suddenly PDA and starry-eyed lovers gave me hope--not hatred!
7. Looking Back, He Was So Perfect!
When I dated my ex, Mark, I found him so stupid and boring, I usually just tuned him out completely. But since he’s moved on and found love with someone else, suddenly I remember him as the cleverest, most adorable boy ever created. I literally had to write Post-Its for myself highlighting what a complete doofus he was. So if you come visit me and see a note reading “HE DIDN’T KNOW THE PRESIDENT OF HIS OWN COUNTRY!” on my mirror, that’s why.
8. You Date Versions of Him
Earlier this year I fell in love with a boy and--shocker--it didn’t work out, so I coped by going to therapy and yoga. Hahah just kidding! Instead I dated two guys who looked exactly like him and one with his same name! So that’s pathetic. Learn from my mistakes and recognize if you’re merely dating Your Ex 2.0.
9. No One Will Ever Compare to Him
Poor Chelsy Davy--can you imagine trying to find a boyfriend to top Prince Harry? The next step after looking back on your ex with rose-colored glasses is to hold every other boy you meet to these impossibly high--and fictional!--standards! Don’t make your new crushes compete with your ex-BF’s overly-awesome ghost. /P>
10. The Breakup Was 100% His Fault--Or So You Think
I have a friend who has been fixated on her (seriously awful) ex for seven months now, and she’s constantly asking why why whyyyy he left. Finally, I pointed out that she flirted with his brother and called him a loser every time she got drunk, but she merely waved it off and preferred to wallow and see herself as the victim. We would all like to pity ourselves, but owning up to your role in the romance’s demise is step #1 on getting over it!