Just because Twilight is fiction doesn’t mean vampires aren’t real. There are people out there who will suck and drain the life out of you, even if they don’t have preternaturally sharp teeth: Bad friends can act a lot like vampires.

According to author Albert J. Bernstein, there are a few different breeds of bad friends. Some are control freaks, some are paranoid, some are hard partiers, and some are just super selfish. But they’re all vampires, because they suck the energy and joy right out of you whenever you have to deal with them. Here’s how to recognize whether your pal is a bloodsucker–and how to ward them off. (Unlike real vampires, bad friends likely won’t be spurned by holy water or garlic.)

Control freak vampires are probably the least threatening in terms of bad friends–because they’re generally good friends that just happen to be really irritating sometimes. They’re super loyal and true to their word, but their perfectionism can be pretty tiresome, because it means they’re in charge almost all the time. Good luck picking a movie or picking out which diner to hit post-homecoming dance, because nothing you pick will be as good as a plan that they have made in their minds already. Similarly, in their personal lives, they’re pretty self-righteous, so any flaws in anyone else are magnified to them–and the pressure to live up to their expectations is what turns them into vampires. Because no one is perfect, and attempting to be that way is draining.

To ward off control freak vampires? Learn to accept them, but be sure to speak up when they piss you off. Because they’re so focused on being perfect and loyal, they’ll likely take your words to heart (like a stake!) and try to improve.

Paranoid vampires are particularly annoying. These are the people who take absolutely everything personally, from a joke on TV to the weather to a little too much salt on their fries. Everyone is out to get them and everything is offensive, and OMG are you mad?! On the bright side, they can be completely and often brutally honest–so they will tell you if you look fat in that skirt. The best way to deal with a paranoid vampire is to be honest with them in return, because they can detect a whopper from a mile away. Just keep your distance when they get carried away to avoid getting caught up in their own complexes, otherwise they’ll drag you down to their level!

Party vampires are tricky. They don’t seem like bad friends necessarily, just really fun ones! They want you to stay out a little later, drink a little more, smoke a little somethin’, or spend more money than you should–because it’s entertaining. They’re super charming and fun to hang out with, but party vampires become bad friends because of the same things that make them so much fun to hang with. They’re often irresponsible, unreliable, and will ditch you if they get a better offer or if you want to do or talk about anything other than a shindig. And they can sometimes influence you into doing things against your better judgment, which can have a crappy effect on your grades (sleep improves test scores!), your health (you know what’s bad for you!), and your relationship with your parents (because if you keep missing curfew, they’ll be pissed!). To shield yourself from a party vampire, leave your wallet home and carry only enough cash to cover your part of lunch and your movie ticket, and bring a responsible pal along (this is when those control freak vampires come in handy!) to discourage you from doing things you’re uncomfortable with.

“Me, me, me” vampires are probably the most annoying. These are the bad friends who only want to talk about themselves, their lives, their issues, their accomplishments. You can win the Nobel prize, make out with Harry Styles, and beat Usain Bolt in a race–it doesn’t matter. They’ll still find a way to bring any and every conversation and interaction back to them. They don’t actually care about you, their only concern is their own ego. How can you deal with bad friends who really aren’t friends–just self-promoters? You can start by, well, not indulging them. If you must deal with them, only give them what they want after you’ve gotten what you need, whether it be a shoulder to cry on or advice on a college admissions essay. If there’s no reward, these vampires won’t bite.

If you need to break up with consistently bad friends, you can find out how to go about it here. And if any of these vampires sound like you? Now that you know you may be ticking off your pals, at least you can take steps to change!

How do you deal with bad friends? Do you have any “vampires” in your life? Have you ever been accused of being a bad friend? Tell us in the comments!

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