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I love Chris Brown. Well, no. I love his music. But I don’t want to date him. So imagine my horror when I realized that, basically, I was.
I’m not used to feeling ashamed of myself and that’s exactly how you feel when your boyfriend hits you. Not so much fear, and certainly not anger—that comes later—but in the immediate aftermath, it’s pure uncut shame and humiliation.
How did I let this happen?
I’ll start at the beginning. Jack was my first love, the boy to whom I lost my virginity (in a pathetically hilarious way). We’ve been on and off for 10 years and after going away to the Caribbean together this summer, we seemed 100 percent back on and head-over-heels in love.
And then, a few weeks ago, he came to visit. We were out with his coworkers and as we stood at the bar together and he told me he loved me.
“I love you too.”
“I know,” he said.
“Ohhh ha ha you know, huh?” I laughed and gave him a friendly poke.
“Eff you.” (Although, um, he didn’t say “eff”)
That was what he said. Eff you.
“Jack. Do not say things like that to me. IDK if you’re joking, drunk, or what but it’s weird and mean and hurtful and rude. DON’T.”
But he did again. And again, and then a fourth time. Then, in front of everyone, he called me a cunt. A cunt. As in “Well, we could be having a nice night but now my girl here is being a little cunt.” Everyone got really quiet and awkward.
“Do you think you’re the only person who can be mean?” I hissed through tears. “You want to play this game of who can be more vicious? OK. You’re short and balding. How ya like it?”
He. Went. Nuclear…NUCLEAR.
“You’re out of my life forever!” he screamed and stormed out of the bar, across the street to his hotel room. I followed—surely surely he couldn’t be serious.
At this point, the whole fiasco went next level. Apparently, being short is his Achilles heel and I—by now crying hysterically—was a demon beyond compare for mentioning it.
Suddenly he was nose-to-nose, yanking me by the hair and screaming how I crossed this line and that he will effing kill me.
Did I mention that he slept with my best friend last year? He did. And I forgive him. But I point out that he’s no Shaq and suddenly I was the awful one?! What the hell was going on?
Then he shoved me. I hit the floor, hard, and hit my head. Suddenly he was hovering over me grabbing me by the face, his nails digging into my cheeks, shrieking about how I’ve ruined everything and that I’m dead to him. I’d honestly never seen someone lose it like that. And I was scared.
I’m not sure what he would have done to me had security not arrived. Infuriatingly, they kicked me out—because his name was on the hotel room, can you believe that??—and put me in cab, sobbing with such force I almost threw up.
How could this have happened? I’ve known him nearly half my life and never, not once have I seen him lose his temper. That made the whole incident even worse because I desperately wanted to see this as a fluke, a one-time thing that would never, ever happen again. But here’s the thing about psycho boyfriends—once you see a side of them, you can’t ever unsee it. I now knew what he was capable of, and it was terrifying.
Maya Angelou famously said that when a man shows you who he is, believe him.
Later that afternoon he insisted that I come by his hotel so he could “explain.”
“First of all, I want to apologize unequivocally for hitting you. There’s no excuse,” he said in a pitiful sheep’s voice. But then his eyes shifted to meet mine, a burning, psychotic vacancy in them. “But you did make me really mad.”
“J,” I said slowly, “life is long. And hard. And if this is how you react when someone mentions your height, how will you handle kids? Mortages? Death?? You’re a giant baby.”
He didn’t have much of a response, but babbled vaguely about getting therapy. Then he switched tactics, gushing that he loves me so much, and pulling out an emerald Cartier necklace. Seriously. A freaking Cartier necklace. Those things are expensive.
“Please,” he said, near tears. “I just want us to move forward and enjoy the weekend.”
“No.”
“Oh come on. Why do you want to make this worse by holding on to it? God, get over it.” Yes, he actually said these things.
“J, you don’t get to hurt me then decide that I’m not healing fast enough for you,” I fumed. “That’s not how an apology works.”
“Baby, please.”
I sat there, blinking back tears of anger and yes, shame, at my own inability to leave. I wasn’t strong enough. I was exhausted from 24 hours–nay, 10 years--of drama with this boy, so I gave in. Machiavelli says that you have to use capitulation (or, well, surrender) to your advantage: know when to retreat and gather your strength.
Right then, I had no strength left. I just wanted peace. I wanted it all to be over. And I knew that if I just played along and got through the weekend, he would go back to Florida and it would be over. So I sat there, numbly watching TV as he flitted around obsequiously, making reservations at my favorite restaurant, and even trying to convince me to fly to Vegas for a whirlwind “I’m sorry” trip.
Somehow, I got through the weekend with him. And sure enough, I haven’t seen him since. But a big part of me still loves him and misses him so much. Because it wasn’t all bad. I told my best guy friend Sid, who volunteers at a domestic violence shelter, about the saga and tried not to sound cliché.
“He just needs to learn to express himself, that’s all,” I offered. “If he were truly abusive don’t you think I’d have noticed by now? Plus, I’ve done things I’m not proud of either! How would I feel if someone threw me away after every misstep?”
“Do you realize that everything you just said is exactly what I hear all day long from abused women?” Sid said, shaking his head. “Like, verbatim.”
More shame. I wasn’t even original in my misery. Just another spineless Lifetime TV character who can’t get her shit together.
Now, weeks later, I’m getting over it. I listen to a lot of Rihanna, Miranda Lambert, and My Chemical Romance. I make my roommate check my voicemails for me because I’m terrified one will be from him. I purposely told all of my friends what happened so they could constantly remind me what a psycho he was and how he’ll never get better—especially when he refuses to take any responsibility for what he did.
“You did make me mad.”
Those words rattle around the hollow place in my heart that was once filled with love. What a shame.
Has a boyfriend ever hit you? What would you have done if you were in my shoes? Tell me your story in the comments.
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How do u do it? Actually leave!!! I’ve been with him for 7 years we have 3 kids together (I’m 24) he’s verbally abusive! I’m emotionally messed up!!! Yea of course i defend my self(talk back) last night he slapped me! It wasn’t hard but still… And today he’s laughing about it! He’s always kicking me out of HIS house! But this is my kids home! I got the down payment for it! he’s paying it now! I just don’t know what to do… Until when do I have to put up with this! He’s always drinking ex: right now he’s been outside drinking for the past 5-6 hours and I’ve been inside with the kids (4yrs, 2yrs & 9mo) I just feel so alone I have no friend, my mom is here for me but I cnt complain to her if I’m still going to be with him. What’s the point, right?
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years and 4 months now. Yesterday (11/17/12) was the first time he actually hit me(bruise). He has choked (bruise)me before and pushed me to the floor. He has taken advantage over his power but i have no idea why i am still with him. Sometimes i wonder if he is just using me for sex because that’s the only time when he is happy. I know i am in an abusive relationship. I noticed it from the very beginning but hoped that things would get better. I lost my friends, I don’t socialize with people, I can text and call only family members and girls but not my guy friends (even if i knew them since elementary). I can’t wear dresses nor heals (only with him) if not i get in trouble (only jeans and tshirt). I can’t be looking at an certain object, because then he’ll think i’m checking out some other guy. why am i with him? I dont know. What should i do?
I met my boyfriend when I was 13 I now 21 and he started hitting me a year into the relationship all my family has disowned me I have no friends I’m scared and alone.what should I do
Dear Sara,… Still you’re young and energetic, esp.its very pity in this era that no one want to understand the values ethics or faith. God has created us for some reason and upon our ‘Good deeds’ we’ll get reward…aftermath of this life…!
In the name of ‘Freedom’ our kids are waywards,too. Even not respecting their own parents /guardians. Its a disastrous. You must ask or observe there’re many many people who still live with love & respect after 50′ 60 0r 70′ yrs. of their married life … the reason behind it is mostly arranged and with the consent of the family and esp. elders….that’s bond in between 2-love ones and blessings of God.I therefore insist /urge you to apologise to your parents for the past. Tht’s the only way you got …now.
leave him go back to your family and tell them he beats u, promise yourself you will never go back to him your family will protect you even if they have disowned you
I
My last boyfriend would beat me for no reason. When I told him that I was having his baby he went crazy and ended up throwing me down the stairs and breaking my ribs. In my own house he would hit me. I’m only 15. I found out that I had lost the baby because of him. Now I’m in a new relationship but he still hits me and tells me that its my fault that I never got to have my daughter.
why do u still see him? tianaa
Are you still with him? or this is a new abuser?
I know what you’re going through.
It’s been about a year and a half since things ended with my abuser.
You just have to remember to keep your head high and stay strong. You’re doing what you need to be doing by having other people help you out.
Writing about it can help too.
Stay strong.
sometimes i get bored with long stories… but yours kept my eyes glued and my brain on alert every second.
you said it has only been a few weeks since the weekend you agreed to be peaceful? i hope you continue to stay away with him… i KNOW you will continue to stay away.
i know that is the obvious answer but sometimes are hearts do speak louder than our heads. be strong. i know you can.
Verbal abuse is bad enough as it is, but once a guy puts his hands on you, that’s how you know that your relationship is a fail. A guy should NEVER EVER FOR ANY REASON put his hands on a girl. For goodness sake, you were slammed into the ground!!! If there were any bruises or any visible marks you should’ve taken pictures of them and pressed charges against him. You mentioned security. That means there were witnesses and I’m sure there had to be a surveillance camera somewhere. His immediate apologizing is a sign that he will keep being abusive and won’t change because he apologized so fast that he didn’t have enough time to think about what he did. The necklace he tried to give you tells you that he doesn’t care about how you feel because he’s trying to buy your forgiveness. Also, I once heard that when someone you “care” about is doing something that shouldn’t be done, it’s not snitching, it called helping them. If he’s not willing to get help, you should help him. The abuse should stop NOW!!! you should also get counseling or some sort of therapy or treatment.
Yes I went through the same problem with my first love.
He was abusive and I was going to break up with him, but then like an idiot, I took him back. Then about a month later, he broke up with me ( I found out about two months later after our break up, he cheated on me)
I completely regret having him as my first. He manipulated everyone against me saying that I lied about him hitting me until finally one day, he lost his temper on someone else. Then everyone finally saw who he really was.
I was a mess then, but now I’m so much stronger.
why is chris brown an example? you make him seem like he murders women…
Give him time. Abuse escalates.
So if any of u have read any of my other comments u kno my life is pretty fucked up but anyway, I’m 14 and I was dating a 16 year old camp counselor over the summer. I mean it was only two years. Anyway, at the end of the month of time we were at camp, I told him we should break off the whole camp thing and I thought he was nice and we would see each other at football games and stuff. Anyway, he blows up. I’m almost positive he was drunk, and grabs me and starts violently grabbing my head and shaking me around. Then, WTF moment he kisses me. Like, really roughly. And I’m panicking because I’m like I cannot let this happen to me again. NO FLIPPING WAY!!!!( I was sexually abused when I was nine by my lax coach) I ran out of there as fast as possible as soon as he calmed down a bit. He never apologized. Ever. I actually got a “hey” text from him today. ANYWAY, I don’t think people realized how scary it is to get hit until ur on the ground and he’s punching you in the face screaming at you thy your worthless and all you want to do is die.
I really hate that Chris Brown is being used as an example for this…. I love him and his music but whatever….
Why wouldn’t he be used as an example? He beat his girlfriend. Just because his music is catchy doesn’t mean that didn’t happen.
I feel the same, I really LOVE his music, I feel if Chris Brown got counseled by a Pastor he would be in a better state of mind right now. He made a mistake, I wish people would stop using him as an example or just making fun of him. Abuse is AND NEVER will be funny
Yea I felt the same way. Every picture did not have to be him and Rihanna….
So… if he hit you. You would still love Chris Brown? Ok.. what if he raped you out of spite? hmm? Its one thing to love a persons achievements such as music. Its something completely different to “love” them in spite of hurting you. I’ve been where you’re at. And its not a happy place to be. Sentences of “He didn’t mean it.” “It was my fault” “I deserved it” become commonplace. And when you try to leave, to get better, they keep you in with “But I’ll die without you” I almost killed MYSELF to get away from him. Instead he found me, made sure I was fine.. then held a lighter to my chest so everyone would know that I would ‘always be his’. Those scars NEVER go away.
So yeah, you can sit there and tell the world that Chris Brown shouldn’t be used as an example.. but the thing is. He hit someone that he was supposed to LOVE. Someone who TRUSTED him to not hurt them. Yet, he did anyway. Love his music… just don’t love him.
He shouldn’t have hurt a woman, who cares if he’s famous with popular music he’s still a human being who did something he shouldn’t have done, now hes gotta deal with the consequences.
I grew up in that environment. I thought that was the norm. I stayed with my abusor (and father of my children) for 2 years and then it was off and on kind of relationship for a year.
As I had the courage to move to another town and start new with my children. I had more resources and understanding that what I went through wasn’t normal and was actually really unhealthy. I didn’t want my children to think that was normal so I left the guy for good… things are worse when your abusor is the father of your children and you have no choice but to communicate with him.
If I was in the same situation as you before my own experience… I would just tolerate it… like I said… that was my norm from the environment I was brought up in…
Count your blessings… It was one of life’s lessons that maked you stronger and experienced…
My god, she did the right thing letting him go. I personally could NEVER forgive someone who slept with my best friend, he sounds like a total douche! I understand the whole cycle “I love you” and then “Now I remember why I hate you”. Listening to “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” by Taylor Swift helps haha. But any man who phsycially or verbally abuses you are NOT worth it. Not once. Like she said; once they show you a side of them they are capable of doing it again.
I personally, have hit my boyfriend ONCE. He still hasn’t gotten over it after months and I don’t blame him but I know how it hurt him I never will do it again. I don’t deserve him so I let him go until I could handle my anger, but great article!