It got really bad once I hit puberty and every year since it progressed until now. I can hardly believe the simple things I could do last year that cause me to freak out now. I rarely leave the house, I obsess about how much food I consume, I sometimes get anxious even talking online and I took up home schooling when going to public school became too stressful and terrifying. I have completely lost contact with every single friend I had, moved thirty minutes away from them all and practically wiped myself off the face of the earth.

For awhile I’d sneak onto my Facebook to see what my old friends were doing and sometimes a message like, “Hey! Miss you. How have you been at your new place?” would be left on my wall. But eventually even those stopped.

It makes me sad that I do this to myself yet I don’t know a way out. Despite my therapist, youth worker who works with me by taking my out and testing my limits and even my clinician, I feel as though I’m not really making progress. In the last three years my anxiety has completely taken over my life.

It’s shattering to hear some of my unsupportive family members (Including my father) accuse me of doing this for some form of attention, or as a way to act out. I’d think someone looking for some sort of attention would make sure they had people around to see their act-outs, not shut themselves in their room for three years with no contact of peers or anyone outside their family and support-group.

I just hope that before I’m done highschool I’m in a better place so that I’m mentally and emotionally able to go onto college like I’ve always planned. I want to be a healthy adult and be able to have friends again, go outside just to go and even explore in relationships.

It felt good writing this out. I’m proud of myself for even doing this.