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I like to think that I’m a pretty observant person; I can tell when my BFF is in a bad mood before she even opens her mouth, I can sense when Bachelor Pad is about to star without checking my watch, and after years of practice I can FINALLY spot a douchebag a mile away.
But when you’re smitten with someone, your douchebag radar can be wonky and clouded by lust, love or just plain desperation to not be single anymore. It is for this reason that I seriously wish I was friends with Katy Perry. John Mayer is without a doubt the biggest a-hole creepster in all of Hollywood (possibly the world) and I am itching to warn her that her new makey-outeyness with him will end REALLY badly.
But before you smugly judge K.Per, read on and ask yourself “Am I dating a giant douche too?” Sadly, bad dudes can happen to good chicks. God help us all, girls.
1. He Has “Lines”
I’m not talking about lines of cocaine (although that definitely counts too) but rather well-rehearsed pickup lines. John Mayer actually hit on me once, sauntering up to me at our friend’s Christmas party and saying: “I just have to tell you, I've been watching you for the last 20 minutes and I have never seen someone command a room the way you do, even just sitting on the couch. You are stunning." Ok yeah, he was pretty smooth and certainly charming but I could tell that the lines he used on me had been verrrrrry practiced. He was just too smooth about it. I purred back a thank you and walked away—if you get the feeling that whatever this dude is saying has been used on girls before, trust your gut and get away from him. Especially if he's dressed like a Bolivian fortune teller. I mean WTF is this look about, John?
2. He Trash Talks His Exes
I think it’s super weird that Katy would date a dude who 1) talks smack about Taylor Swift, when clearly he was the one who broke her heart and 2) dated her friend Taylor Swift. Always pay attention to how a guy talks about his exes—because one day, that’s exactly how he’ll talk about you!
3. He Talks Back to the Characters During Movies
I used to date a boy who, during action films, would go “BOOM!” or “SEE YA!” during climactic scenes. I wanted to crawl under the seat and die. I love movies and talking in equal amounts but movie commentary should be limited to “Woah” or the occasional “Ha ha oh my gosh!”
4. He Updates His Facebook/Twitter a Lot
I have no real basis for this opinion, but I believe that social media is a girl’s domain. For some reason, it totally icks me out when a guy is updating his status all the time. Even worse? When they tweet at celebrities or comment on their Fbook pages or Instagram pics. I just secretly assume that they also use phrases like “Balee ‘dat!” or “Ma bad!” Gross.
5. He Does the “Sideways Peace Sign” in Photos
Just…no. Can you not just put your arms at your side? Do you need a pose, especially one that really means nothing? What is going through a dudes head when he does this? “Hey there’s a camera, I better show everyone I can turn my hand to the side and spread two fingers! People need to know!” This hideous gesture is often accompanied by Affliction t-shirts and tanning salon memberships—so much douchebag in one human, I can't handle it.
6. He’s Really Into Fake Boobs
I always ask my beaus their stance on boob jobs, as a litmus test for their douchebaggery. The correct response: “I mean, I def prefer real but if they make a girl feel better about herself, that’s cool.” The wrong response: “LOVE ‘EM! Ooo why are you thinking about getting yours done?!?!”
And yes, Kim's ARE fake, trust me I have sources.7. He Gives Himself a Nickname and/or a Catchphrase
My last boyfriend tried to get me to call him—and I’m serious here—"footlong" but SHOCKER, I refused because everyone knows that you don’t get to makeup your own nickname. Ditto with having a catchphrase--I'm looking at you Ryan Lochte! Yes, you are beautiful but really, "Jeah"? Jeaaahhhh, how about J'no.
8. He Quotes Comedy Routines
It’s always tempting to repeat a joke you heard from Louis CK or Tosh.0, but you should NOT because you’re not a professional comedian. Would you try to recreate a dive you saw on the Olympics? Same thing. But a true d-bag fancies himself just as funny as Chris Rock and will horrify you with regurgitated lines from his latest stand-up…in his voice. Shudder. But on second thought, actually being Daniel Tosh isn’t much cooler. Double shudder.
9. He Has His Own Name Tattooed On Himself
Oh your name is Jenner—ohhhh wow how…how…incredibly lame. I love Brody Jenner purely (I mean he is so hot) and if he wants a tat honoring his family, great! But if simply stating your own name is the extent of your creativity, gawd. Please leave me alone.
10. He, Like, DANCES
I have a guy in my phone called “Dancing Ken-DO NOT ANSWER” who I met at a bar and was pretty charming…until we started to dance. Now I love to dance and really get into it so you’d think that I’d love a guy who does too. WRONG! There are certain things better left to ladies. I mean, I love putting on makeup, doesn’t mean my boyfriend should too. If a guy tries to bust out some SYTYCD moves, well, I think Regis's face says it all.
Have you ever accidentally dated a douchebag? Do your friends tend to date douchebag dudes? Tell me in the comments!
Now, Here Are Some Smart Love Moves From Katy Perry
New Survey!
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my boyfriend pretented like he loved me but would lie to me all the time about things he was doing places he was going he gross nasty full of hisself thinks his shit dont stink and i hate him !!!!!
Certain things I agree with, but a couple of things on this list are REALLY sexist, and I thought this site was about breaking away from all that. Updating Facebook/Twitter frequently and dancing are for the ladies? What? Since when is DANCING better left to the ladies? There are people of both genders who are great at it, and those who aren’t (keep me off the floor lol). I think you should rethink some of these things before putting them into the “douchebag” category.
I once dated a total a-hole. He was terrible! When you start dating a girl you should limit if not REMOVE your perverted sex jokes and all right? Yeah, he didn’t. And he was soooo cocky. He thought he could kiss me ohh no big deal, and he was awful at it. He missed my lips and kissed me on like my cheek bone. He also always called me honeybunches, and I thought that was really really weird. Haha, but biggest turn off: telling me I would be the first in line to a cock party. Yeah yum, go to hell. Lol
I know it is a bad habit, but I can’t help but talk to the screen while watching intense movies. Although most of the time it is to whisper words of hatred and death wishes on the idiotic characters, but still. It is just a sign that I get too into it. The jerk is the one who shushes me & then makes commentary himself.
I’ve dated a douchebag before, he didn’t do a majority of this crap. He was always putting me down and acting like he was better than everybody else. And his sense of humor was terrible, and I dint mean terrible as in bad jokes I mean as in just plain rude and stupid.
oh shit my crush does the majority of things on this list. but he is just sooooo sweet
None of these things mean a guy is a jerk every guy does atleast several of these its competly normal and not jerky at its kind of attractive in fact
Personally I think this also describes Taylor… I know a lot of people look up to her but I find the way she trashes her exes is over the top. Besides, doesn’t she have anything else to sing about?
These are not signs that a guy is a jerk. These are your opinion about what makes a guy a jerk. I am sure there are plenty of nice guys who like to dance, who quote comedians, etc. This is horribly biased and unfair. If a guy respects you and others that is really all that matters…
Kim’s boobs aren’t fake; on KUWTK, she goes to the doctor to show everyone that her boobs and butt are not fake, but Kourtney’s are.
Seriously? You need TEN signs? One will do: a lack of respect for you as a human being. That makes/breaks douche-hood.
Even if not completely true, articles like this still have the potential to be funny. However the sexism in both points 4 and 10 turn me completely off of any attempt at humor the author had. I know this site would not take a stance saying that something should be done by males only, and they shouldn’t say that only girls should do certain things either.
Honestly I could imagine that yes some of these signs would be on a douche bag but because they do some of the things listed does not make them a douche bag. The only true douche that I see on this is the site itself. Gurl.com get your shit together. Seriously.
Calm down. You don’t need to get all psycho for someone just stating an opinion. I think YOU need to get your shit together if this is what your resort to when someone states an opinion you don’t agree with. Seriously
And no, i’m not hating on your opinion
I’m hating on how you react to other people’s opinions, goodbye~
Yes but they say that girls should only do curtain things, while they have a strong veiw of feminisim on the site. Feminisim is about guys and girls being treated the SAME and having the same OPTIONS as everyone. So saying a dude is a douche for being on facebook alot, but if a girl does it’s fine or girls can wear eyeliner but if a boy does it it’s suddenly wrong, is very contradicting. She wasn’t going psycho either. She was stating her opinion. If they’re going to be mean to guys cause they like to dance she can be mean to them about calling a dude a douche over dumb things like social networks and dancing. (She wasn’t very mean in the first place either.
And no, I’m not hating on your opinion I’m hating on how you react to other people opinions. Especially when you decide to call someone psycho for an opinion.
The only one I don’t agree with is the last one. Personally I love it when a guy has moves.
Kim’s boobs aren’t fake….. Come on. For such a pro girl site you guys tend to hate on girls a lot more than one would think. From bashing modeling schools, which was wrong and mean. People only get scammed by modeling schools if they don’t understand what a modeling a school does/is.
I mean I swear those were so untrue my boo roes the sideway peace sign and is far from a douchebag I know so many people who talk through movies and have catch phrase and who doesn’t quote a comedy routine…I felt it was a whole I hate certian guys or my ex does this and is a douchebag but aren’t you bad talking your ex like #2 on the list
Can you guys PLEASE change this picture viewer???
I really want to read this stuff but it’s jank !!!! It won’t let me go from pic to pic and it likes to change while i’m reading -____- Please fix this or i’ll be forced to cry in the corner with a tub of Peanut Butter.
Hahaha I love this! Wish I saw this before I dated my ex
Would have saved me a whole bunch of time and heartache.