I like to think that I’m a pretty observant person; I can tell when my BFF is in a bad mood before she even opens her mouth, I can sense when Bachelor Pad is about to star without checking my watch, and after years of practice I can FINALLY spot a douchebag a mile away.
But when you’re smitten with someone, your douchebag radar can be wonky and clouded by lust, love or just plain desperation to not be single anymore. It is for this reason that I seriously wish I was friends with Katy Perry. John Mayer is without a doubt the biggest a-hole creepster in all of Hollywood (possibly the world) and I am itching to warn her that her new makey-outeyness with him will end REALLY badly.
But before you smugly judge K.Per, read on and ask yourself “Am I dating a giant douche too?” Sadly, bad dudes can happen to good chicks. God help us all, girls.
1. He Has “Lines”
I’m not talking about lines of cocaine (although that definitely counts too) but rather well-rehearsed pickup lines. John Mayer actually hit on me once, sauntering up to me at our friend’s Christmas party and saying: “I just have to tell you, I've been watching you for the last 20 minutes and I have never seen someone command a room the way you do, even just sitting on the couch. You are stunning." Ok yeah, he was pretty smooth and certainly charming but I could tell that the lines he used on me had been verrrrrry practiced. He was just too smooth about it. I purred back a thank you and walked away—if you get the feeling that whatever this dude is saying has been used on girls before, trust your gut and get away from him. Especially if he's dressed like a Bolivian fortune teller. I mean WTF is this look about, John?
2. He Trash Talks His Exes
I think it’s super weird that Katy would date a dude who 1) talks smack about Taylor Swift, when clearly he was the one who broke her heart and 2) dated her friend Taylor Swift. Always pay attention to how a guy talks about his exes—because one day, that’s exactly how he’ll talk about you!
3. He Talks Back to the Characters During Movies
I used to date a boy who, during action films, would go “BOOM!” or “SEE YA!” during climactic scenes. I wanted to crawl under the seat and die. I love movies and talking in equal amounts but movie commentary should be limited to “Woah” or the occasional “Ha ha oh my gosh!”
4. He Updates His Facebook/Twitter a Lot
I have no real basis for this opinion, but I believe that social media is a girl’s domain. For some reason, it totally icks me out when a guy is updating his status all the time. Even worse? When they tweet at celebrities or comment on their Fbook pages or Instagram pics. I just secretly assume that they also use phrases like “Balee ‘dat!” or “Ma bad!” Gross.
5. He Does the “Sideways Peace Sign” in Photos
Just…no. Can you not just put your arms at your side? Do you need a pose, especially one that really means nothing? What is going through a dudes head when he does this? “Hey there’s a camera, I better show everyone I can turn my hand to the side and spread two fingers! People need to know!” This hideous gesture is often accompanied by Affliction t-shirts and tanning salon memberships—so much douchebag in one human, I can't handle it.
6. He’s Really Into Fake Boobs
I always ask my beaus their stance on boob jobs, as a litmus test for their douchebaggery. The correct response: “I mean, I def prefer real but if they make a girl feel better about herself, that’s cool.” The wrong response: “LOVE ‘EM! Ooo why are you thinking about getting yours done?!?!”
7. He Gives Himself a Nickname and/or a Catchphrase
My last boyfriend tried to get me to call him—and I’m serious here—"footlong" but SHOCKER, I refused because everyone knows that you don’t get to makeup your own nickname. Ditto with having a catchphrase--I'm looking at you Ryan Lochte! Yes, you are beautiful but really, "Jeah"? Jeaaahhhh, how about J'no.
8. He Quotes Comedy Routines
It’s always tempting to repeat a joke you heard from Louis CK or Tosh.0, but you should NOT because you’re not a professional comedian. Would you try to recreate a dive you saw on the Olympics? Same thing. But a true d-bag fancies himself just as funny as Chris Rock and will horrify you with regurgitated lines from his latest stand-up…in his voice. Shudder. But on second thought, actually being Daniel Tosh isn’t much cooler. Double shudder.
9. He Has His Own Name Tattooed On Himself
Oh your name is Jenner—ohhhh wow how…how…incredibly lame. I love Brody Jenner purely (I mean he is so hot) and if he wants a tat honoring his family, great! But if simply stating your own name is the extent of your creativity, gawd. Please leave me alone.
10. He, Like, DANCES
I have a guy in my phone called “Dancing Ken-DO NOT ANSWER” who I met at a bar and was pretty charming…until we started to dance. Now I love to dance and really get into it so you’d think that I’d love a guy who does too. WRONG! There are certain things better left to ladies. I mean, I love putting on makeup, doesn’t mean my boyfriend should too. If a guy tries to bust out some SYTYCD moves, well, I think Regis's face says it all.
Have you ever accidentally dated a douchebag? Do your friends tend to date douchebag dudes? Tell me in the comments!