10 Signs You’re Dating a Douchebag

I like to think that I’m a pretty observant person; I can tell when my BFF is in a bad mood before she even opens her mouth, I can sense when Bachelor Pad is about to star without checking my watch, and after years of practice I can FINALLY spot a douchebag a mile away.

But when you’re smitten with someone, your douchebag radar can be wonky and clouded by lust, love or just plain desperation to not be single anymore. It is for this reason that I seriously wish I was friends with Katy Perry. John Mayer is without a doubt the biggest a-hole creepster in all of Hollywood (possibly the world) and I am itching to warn her that her new makey-outeyness with him will end REALLY badly.

But before you smugly judge K.Per, read on and ask yourself “Am I dating a giant douche too?” Sadly, bad dudes can happen to good chicks. God help us all, girls.

1. He Has “Lines”

I’m not talking about lines of cocaine (although that definitely counts too) but rather well-rehearsed pickup lines. John Mayer actually hit on me once, sauntering up to me at our friend’s Christmas party and saying: “I just have to tell you, I've been watching you for the last 20 minutes and I have never seen someone command a room the way you do, even just sitting on the couch. You are stunning." Ok yeah, he was pretty smooth and certainly charming but I could tell that the lines he used on me had been verrrrrry practiced. He was just too smooth about it. I purred back a thank you and walked away—if you get the feeling that whatever this dude is saying has been used on girls before, trust your gut and get away from him. Especially if he's dressed like a Bolivian fortune teller. I mean WTF is this look about, John?

Source: WENN

2. He Trash Talks His Exes

I think it’s super weird that Katy would date a dude who 1) talks smack about Taylor Swift, when clearly he was the one who broke her heart and 2) dated her friend Taylor Swift. Always pay attention to how a guy talks about his exes—because one day, that’s exactly how he’ll talk about you!

Source: WENN

3. He Talks Back to the Characters During Movies

I used to date a boy who, during action films, would go “BOOM!” or “SEE YA!” during climactic scenes. I wanted to crawl under the seat and die. I love movies and talking in equal amounts but movie commentary should be limited to “Woah” or the occasional “Ha ha oh my gosh!”

Source: WENN

4. He Updates His Facebook/Twitter a Lot

I have no real basis for this opinion, but I believe that social media is a girl’s domain. For some reason, it totally icks me out when a guy is updating his status all the time. Even worse? When they tweet at celebrities or comment on their Fbook pages or Instagram pics. I just secretly assume that they also use phrases like “Balee ‘dat!” or “Ma bad!” Gross.

Source: WENN

5. He Does the “Sideways Peace Sign” in Photos

Just…no. Can you not just put your arms at your side? Do you need a pose, especially one that really means nothing? What is going through a dudes head when he does this? “Hey there’s a camera, I better show everyone I can turn my hand to the side and spread two fingers! People need to know!” This hideous gesture is often accompanied by Affliction t-shirts and tanning salon memberships—so much douchebag in one human, I can't handle it.

Source: WENN

6. He’s Really Into Fake Boobs

I always ask my beaus their stance on boob jobs, as a litmus test for their douchebaggery. The correct response: “I mean, I def prefer real but if they make a girl feel better about herself, that’s cool.” The wrong response: “LOVE ‘EM! Ooo why are you thinking about getting yours done?!?!”

Source: WENN

And yes, Kim's ARE fake, trust me I have sources.

7. He Gives Himself a Nickname and/or a Catchphrase

My last boyfriend tried to get me to call him—and I’m serious here—"footlong" but SHOCKER, I refused because everyone knows that you don’t get to makeup your own nickname. Ditto with having a catchphrase--I'm looking at you Ryan Lochte! Yes, you are beautiful but really, "Jeah"? Jeaaahhhh, how about J'no.

Source: WENN

8. He Quotes Comedy Routines

It’s always tempting to repeat a joke you heard from Louis CK or Tosh.0, but you should NOT because you’re not a professional comedian. Would you try to recreate a dive you saw on the Olympics? Same thing. But a true d-bag fancies himself just as funny as Chris Rock and will horrify you with regurgitated lines from his latest stand-up…in his voice. Shudder. But on second thought, actually being Daniel Tosh isn’t much cooler. Double shudder.

Source: WENN

9. He Has His Own Name Tattooed On Himself

Oh your name is Jenner—ohhhh wow how…how…incredibly lame. I love Brody Jenner purely (I mean he is so hot) and if he wants a tat honoring his family, great! But if simply stating your own name is the extent of your creativity, gawd. Please leave me alone.

Source: WENN

10. He, Like, DANCES

I have a guy in my phone called “Dancing Ken-DO NOT ANSWER” who I met at a bar and was pretty charming…until we started to dance. Now I love to dance and really get into it so you’d think that I’d love a guy who does too. WRONG! There are certain things better left to ladies. I mean, I love putting on makeup, doesn’t mean my boyfriend should too. If a guy tries to bust out some SYTYCD moves, well, I think Regis's face says it all.

Source: WENN

Have you ever accidentally dated a douchebag? Do your friends tend to date douchebag dudes? Tell me in the comments!

Now, Here Are Some Smart Love Moves From Katy Perry

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  • Lmao

    I bet the person that wrote this feels like a douchebag lmao!

  • mids

    Wow the woman who wrote this is a sexist pos. And I’m a woman saying this.

  • Stephan

    The only douche represented here is the female(She hasn’t displayed the maturity required to be referred to as a woman.)who wrote this piece.
    Miss, you’re really in no position to tell anyone how they should be.
    That’s really not your place.
    You might want to focus on something real, like what’s happening to women on college campuses.
    Then again, don’t.
    You’ll just screw it up.

  • RabidDawgClassic

    There’s another way to figure out just how douchie a guy is. It’s the Universal Wealth-Douchebaggery Matrix. (the female version of the Hot-Crazy Matrix).


  • Will

    The girl who posted this is a hipster, and probably Asian. Like, my opinion dominates.

  • Stojic

    The girl who wrote this insightful piece… Sounds luke a douchebagette

  • Deborah

    This is a pretty random & weird list. How old is the person that wrote this?

  • Sherlock

    Girl: “We never dance, I want to dance.”
    Guy learns a few dance moves and gains some confidence…
    Girl: “You know how to dance now, you’re a douchebag.”
    Guy plucks the hairs out of his balls in disbelief and frustration…

  • This is mostly true and girls, remember this…

    The guys who comment on here with sexist slurs are probably all reading mens’ blogs on other websites. If you ever want to lose faith in that half of humanity just check out any opinion-on-women piece from those sites. (they usually don’t even have a way to post comments on, because the author knows he’s a total D-bag and doesn’t want anyone else’s voice heard)

  • Andrew

    You dated a douche and you’re just listing all the things he did because you were in a very bad mood at the time. Typical cow

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  • Blair

    I really love it when guy have their last name in old english across their back. This author is entertaining :)

  • Chad

    I think that guys sporting the meaningless tribal armband tattoos have got to be in that category too. I mean you’re going to ink your body it better damn well have some significance.

  • Nick

    So true, when people do this kind of stuff it implies they are full Of themselves and obsessed with themselves (mainly pointing toward the Giving themselves and nick name) They dont know i see them as as yet another useless person added to this earth, but no they think they look cool doing this dumb shit, throwing there ego around everywhere like there some kind of big shot. I do not completely agree with all of this but for the most part i do, like the stuff that douche bags will do that will make them think people think they are a bad ass when really only the wanna be douche bags think the stuff they do is cool, which is a good percentage of people today sadly.

  • surprised reader who is lost in the ignorance within this blog

    this is the worst analysis I have ever read in my entire life. Haha wow. The level of naivety and ignorance on this blog is unbelievable. If what you just said is how you determine a deuchebag, than by far, you have listed the entire human race. I mean are you freaken serious about the twitter, movie, peace sign, etc.? Wow it shows how much of a deuchebag you are and how you don’t even know any male or female race’s characteristics and behaviors. You need to try again with you commentary haha

    • wtf are you talking about

      agreed. guys who like to dance are not douche bags they are just guys who like to dance.

      • Chuck Norris

        There is a reason why Clint Eastwood never starred in a dancing movie. No man cares about dancing beyond a basic “hold-your-woman-sensually-to-music” level. If a guy knows actual dance moves, this means he spent actual time rehearsing them, analyzing what he looks like doing them, and it also tells you how desperate he is to be the center of attention. Real men don’t care about that because they are confident about the size of their penis and what gender they intend to use it on.

        • people are annoying

          No. it means they have a talent or interest. actually doing something useful and which they love. fyi, people love dancing and watching it too. it’s art. people who hold charities are douches too?