I’ve been with my boyfriend for 9 months in July. He is handsome, smart, he has a plan for his life, and he treats me like a queen. But I have a hang up and it’s kind of a big one. He doesn’t love me. I dropped the bomb a few months ago and he wasn’t there yet, and he still isn’t there. He says he just needs time, but I’m beginning to think it isn’t going to happen. He put everything on the line for his last girl and she never said she loved him back. So now he’s hesitant. I’ve made it clear that this is a new relationship and that I am not his last girl, but I can’t help but think his baggage is weighing him down.
I love him and he’s such a great guy, but how long should a girl wait around before it’s not worth it anymore? 🙁
Ouch. Nothing hurts more than an unrequited L-Bomb. When I first told my girlfriend I loved her, it took her so long to respond that I began convincing myself I never said it in the first place.
Everyone moves at a different pace, so it might take a guy a little longer to reach the same emotional level as you because of his previous romantic experiences (or a lack of experience altogether). Try to allow emotional checkpoints to unfold naturally and give your guy some time to catch up. If you’re on different pages, the last thing you want to do is force the issue.
But seeing as you’ve already gone a few months with nothing but “I love… these pancakes!”, it’s time to take the relationship’s temperature. Calmly broach the issue with a mature, open discussion. Stay positive, avoid accusations or pressuring, and find out how he’s feeling about what you’ve already laid out.
Once you’ve discussed the topic with him, if it doesn’t seem like he’s at least headed towards Lovetown, you’ll have to pull the plug. Nine months is enough time for anyone to know which direction a relationship is moving, and you don’t deserve to feel unmatched for any longer.
However, there are no absolutes in dating, so there is no objective amount of time you should or shouldn’t wait around for a guy to fall in love. Those ladies confident of an eventual come around won’t let a one-way declaration stress them out, while others won’t stand for anything but immediate reciprocation. Ultimately, you need to wait for this guy for as long as it still feels good – and you need to walk when it just doesn’t anymore.
Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.