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Why are these 3 little words so hard to say? | Source: ShutterStock
Hi Ethan,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 9 months in July. He is handsome, smart, he has a plan for his life, and he treats me like a queen. But I have a hang up and it’s kind of a big one. He doesn’t love me. I dropped the bomb a few months ago and he wasn’t there yet, and he still isn’t there. He says he just needs time, but I’m beginning to think it isn’t going to happen. He put everything on the line for his last girl and she never said she loved him back. So now he’s hesitant. I’ve made it clear that this is a new relationship and that I am not his last girl, but I can’t help but think his baggage is weighing him down.
I love him and he’s such a great guy, but how long should a girl wait around before it’s not worth it anymore? 
Ouch. Nothing hurts more than an unrequited L-Bomb. When I first told my girlfriend I loved her, it took her so long to respond that I began convincing myself I never said it in the first place.
Everyone moves at a different pace, so it might take a guy a little longer to reach the same emotional level as you because of his previous romantic experiences (or a lack of experience altogether). Try to allow emotional checkpoints to unfold naturally and give your guy some time to catch up. If you’re on different pages, the last thing you want to do is force the issue.
But seeing as you’ve already gone a few months with nothing but “I love… these pancakes!”, it’s time to take the relationship’s temperature. Calmly broach the issue with a mature, open discussion. Stay positive, avoid accusations or pressuring, and find out how he’s feeling about what you’ve already laid out.
Once you’ve discussed the topic with him, if it doesn’t seem like he’s at least headed towards Lovetown, you’ll have to pull the plug. Nine months is enough time for anyone to know which direction a relationship is moving, and you don’t deserve to feel unmatched for any longer.
However, there are no absolutes in dating, so there is no objective amount of time you should or shouldn’t wait around for a guy to fall in love. Those ladies confident of an eventual come around won’t let a one-way declaration stress them out, while others won’t stand for anything but immediate reciprocation. Ultimately, you need to wait for this guy for as long as it still feels good – and you need to walk when it just doesn’t anymore.
Good luck!
Ethan
Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.
Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!
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Hi. I’ve been seeing this guy for about 3months now. We both agreed that we were not ready for a relationship. But we started hooking up and there were no strings attached. Later he realized he was getting attached and so was I. I told him I loved him. But he only used to tell me when we started to make love. I thought it wasn’t right so we had a talk about it. Then he started to tell me every now and then. He said he really loved me and that I shouldn’t doubt his love for a second. But he still hasn’t asked me out. I’ve met his mum and his family.. And they all think we dating. But it still isn’t official. I want to walk away and look elsewhere cuz I’m scared to get hurt. Should I stay and assume we are dating or I should walk away. Plus I used to date one of his friends. And he only recently got to know. I don’t know what that implies or if it’s a factor at all.
I need advice cuz I’m loosing it and hv been avoiding him while I try to figure stuff out
Hey Ethan,
I’ve known this boy i like for about 2 years now. I really started liking him when a very close family member of mine died and he was there for me. Recently i’ve started to fall for him. We’ve talked about getting into a relationship and he says the choice is mines, but when i told him to choose he said he rather wait until i come back from basic training which in 9 months from now. I believe i’ve waited long enough for a relationship. What is taking him so long? The confusing part is when i said im leaving to find a relationship and told him to enjoy his life he says he wont because im not in it. What should i do? He is very nice and willing to spend money on me. He says he loves and cares for me so what’s the problem? Is he scared of getting in a relationship because of a past relationship gone wrong or is he leading me on? How should i take this?
she never should’ve expected anything…. i hate guys like that >_<
At least when he finally does say it, you’ll know he really means it!
sometimes its better for guys not to say i love u so fast i think
Agreed
Only Sith deal in absolutes.
I love you for that comment.