What Is Virginity?

What is virginity?

Your virginity is your business, ladies! | Source: Shutterstock

There’s so much gossip about who’s a virgin, who’s not, who lost their V-card to whom, and on and on and on . . . but um, what is virginity to begin with?

I know you’re rolling your eyes, and being like, *duh* how can you not know what virginity is? But um, I don’t think it’s as simple as you think it is.

A lot of people think that a girl only has her virginity as long as her hymen–a membrane that partially or totally covers the vaginal opening–hasn’t been broken. That said? A lot of people are plainly wrong. Your hymen can be broken lots of ways besides having sex–like through exercise or horseback riding–so what shape it’s in really is no indication of whether or not you’re a virgin. Let’s throw that one in the trash.

Some other people think that your virginity is over the first time anything goes into your vagina. Don’t listen to these people, either! They’re dummies! Using a tampon will not make you lose your virginity, and neither will having a thorough exam at the gynecologist. Virginity is about sex–and since neither of those things are sex, neither of them affect your V-card. Simple as that.

But now we’re coming to the biggie: Since we’ve established that you have your virginity until you have sex for the first time, what kind of sex are we talking about, exactly? There are lots of different kinds of sex, and not everybody will have every kind in their lifetime. Think about it: Most lesbians probably aren’t ever going to ask a dude to enter their vagina, but that doesn’t mean all lesbians are life-long virgins!

This is where things get a little murky and you can make your own call (for some people, oral sex counts, for others it doesn’t)–but I think you lose your virginity the first time you choose to have sex where your bits down there are in contact with someone else’s down there bits. Girls can do it with boys or girls. Guys can do it with girls or guys. It’s an equal opportunity V-card ditch day!

But let’s back up one tiny bit, because I think there’s something else super important that we haven’t talked about. I said that you lose your virginity the first time you choose to have sex–and choose is a super key word. I know that some people think that your virginity can be stolen from you if you are raped or sexually abused in another way, but I don’t like to give that much power to the horrible people who commit such awful crimes. Sex is about pleasure, and to experience it fully, you have to choose to do it yourself. It’s your decision, and nobody elses. I’m not trying to downplay the horrible stuff rape survivors go through–far from it–but I firmly believe that your V-card is yours and yours alone, and that nobody can steal that special feeling that you’ll have the first time you do it because you want to.

How do you define virginity? Do you think we got it right, or are we way off base? Do you still have your V-card? Tell us everything in the comments!

How Will You Know If You’re Ready For Sex?


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  • ????

    I believe that you loose your virginity when YOU feel like you have. If you feel that your not because of oral,or phone sex or what ever then your not. It comes down to how YOU feel,not anyone else

  • nisha

    I’m a 23 yr. old VIRGIN! No shame! V in the air, proud to say it!! =D I don’t think there’s a bad thing to be a virgin at my age. It isn’t because I couldn’t/can’t find anyone to have sex with. Though there was/is plenty of opportunity to have sex, I’m in no rush for it. Though I believe it’s something that should be taken seriously, I can’t speak for everyone. People younger and older than me are having sex, some still aren’t. You should decide when to have sex, not the person or people around you.

    • Grace

      Good for u! 🙂

    • Daughteroftheocean

      Hey I’m 23 too hehe I don’t think its a bad thing either. I just waiting for when I’m ready and waiting for that special someone.

  • Liz

    So, I just got fingered for the first time yesterday. Me and my boyfriend have been together over 3 months now and he asked me if i was ok to go further. I have just turned 14 and have now officially gone the furthest in my group of friends. Does this make me a slut? i enjoyed it, but i’m not sure if it’s right, or if im still a proper virgin. Ahhhh! I don’t knoooooww!!! please help…

    • Mary

      14 is a little young in my opinion, I’m 17 and I still havent lost it but If you believe you are ready then go for it just be safe and be aware of the risks

    • Billy

      How far did you go?
      I’m assuming, by your writing, that you engaged in a lot of “everything…but” penetration, or a lot of mutual oral (where you caress each other, including sucking & swallowing).
      The “everything…but” is something many Christian girls do to avoid going all the way and to sexually please their boyfriends without letting them f*ck them.

  • Brianna

    For me I had sex but not really, my bfs penis was only in me for 14 seconds at the moment. Does that still count?

    • Billy

      As long as he didn’t push it deeper & burst your hymen, you’re still a virgin.
      You can still consider yourself a “virgin” as long as you still have your hymen.
      However, that doesn’t mean you’re “innocent,” as it’s not that big a step for him to push farther & burst your innocent hymen.
      Once a guy’s penis breaks a girl’s hymen, she can no longer consider herself virginal.

  • Kylie

    First off, I’m still a virgin.
    That being said I think that virginity is a really personal thing. In my opinion oral sex, mastrubation, and fingering don’t count. Coming from a straight girl’s perspective I think that you give up your virginity when you have penetrative sex for the first time.

    • Mary

      I agree!

  • Helen

    i lost my virginity to my BF when I was 15 years of age. the thing is that u should never regret for any of ur actions. you may not feel comfortable in terms of “which was the right time” or “which should the guy be”, but realise that its another lesson for life. i mean that next time ur going to have sex u will be more aware of the situation and more mature to simply say “no” or just wait to feel more sure about ur partner and his intentions. personally my first time was just the way I wanted it cause firat of all I was ready, I loved my BF who also loved me and I was emotionally ready to undergo the whole process. so its a matter of right judgment. putting urself first is really important.

    • Billy

      Did you trust him as he pushed-into you & broke your innocent hymen?
      You enjoy his passionate thrusts & liked feeling him fill your p*ssy with his spermy cum?

  • Ktalinadu1

    Ok I’m kind of confused, I don’t know whether I’m a virgin or not. My boyfriend fingers me all the time and he really wants to give me oral and lately we’ve been having phone sex almost every night. I really want to be considered a virgin but I’m not sure…

    • Cammy

      yeah you are, as long as he doesnt put his thing in you. & it depends if you count oral sex, or not thats up to you

      • Billy

        A man can push his penis into a woman, but as long as his penis doesn’t burst her hymen, she’s still a virgin.
        Not “innocent” by any means, but she hasn’t “completed” their sexual relationship until he breaks her hymen & pushes deeper into her.

  • Aria

    Here’s my thought; I definitely think virginity is something that everyone should really think about before they lose it. If one is really comfortable with who they are and they are responsible enough to care for themselves and make sure they don’t get STD’s then they’re fine. Also, the person should be able to talk to their partner about anything like this. I personally don’t care whether someone is a virgin or not or whether they think oral sex is counted as losing their virginity. The person who is considering sex should also really make sure that they’re really okay with it. I think a lot of people should grow up about sex, because lots of people make judgements about those who have it younger then they do. It just means that they were ready at a younger age and they know that they’ll be able to live with the fact that they aren’t a virgin. Also, girls should learn to connect with themselves better at a deeper level before they decide it’s something they want to do. By ‘connecting at a deeper level’ I mean that they should know who they are and what they really stand for so they don’t have too many burdans while they’re trying to figure something big out like that.

  • lovestruckrose

    I am 16 and my bffs want me to do it I am the only virgin in bewteen my friends bf 17 doesn’t want me to do anything I don’t wana do he is not pushing the most sexual thing we have done is kissing and him touching my boob and butt and now I don’t know should I do it my mom says protect yourself but I don’t think she supports she was married my dad a virgin and my bf nearly fingerd me but I stopped him he says it doesn’t matter only when I am comfy with it he has had 2 girls with him what must I do

  • Rina Lynn

    I am still a virgin. I agree with the fact that if you are raped that you are still a virgn because it was not your choice and you did not enjoy it or find pleasure in it.I have thought about having sex various times but i think the best thing to do is save myself for that one special person.

  • hmmmm

    I think loosing your virginity means when his down there goes in your down there. I’m a virgin and i’m happy to be one but I would never say i’m better than those who aren’t it’s all about your choice.

    • Billy

      As a virgin, how far have you gone with a man?

  • Cheery

    I am still a virgin at 34 ;-(

    • Billy

      Wow. How did you manage to remain innocent until that age?

  • bakerychaz

    I think virginity is too much of a big deal in society nowadays. Seriously, who cares?!?! Virginity is what you think it is (e.g. hymen breaking, vaginal penetration, etc.), and there are tons of these articles out there that tell you what to think.

    Girls, be comfortable with the fact that you are or are not a virgin.

  • yssubramanyam

    VIRGINITY OF A WOMAN IS A voluntary/involuntary /forcible coital act by a man. it has nothing to do with hymen. below puberty girls do not come under this category.

  • Axiality

    For me losing my virginity was when a guy fingered me. Pretty graphic but it is what it is. His penis never wound up inside my vagina but we performed oral sex on each other. It was cool. But that’s just for me. Some people say that lesbians will always be virgins and I can safely say that is wrong. Just because I lost my virginity with a guy does not mean I couldn’t with a girl. I’ve had sex with girls and it’s just the same for me. The only difference is girls don’t have penises. And you don’t need a penis to have sex.

    • yssubramanyam

      true

    • Jones hammerbag

      I think that’s true.

    • Billy

      Ax,
      I think you’re still a ‘virgin,’ even though a guy fingered you.
      Even if you closed your eyes & enjoyed his pushing his fingers into you, you were still a virgin girl.
      I’d say you were rather innocent then.

      Only if you let him push into you & break your hymen would you not be a virgin.

  • Ali

    Hi. I’m so envious with all of you. At the age of 16, I lost my v-card. :'( I didn’t really know what was I thinking then. Kind of sad that, I don’t have it anymore. Well, it’s a lesson for me and for you that, you should really wait, until the right time. :'( Awfully awful story of mine. I had (the three letter word) with almost 6 guys. :'( It’s not a “gang bang” I had an intercourse with them, when they we’re my bfs. Now, I have a new bf, and he’s really hurt when he knew about this. :'( Really sad. I’m about to cry. :((

  • JustDMarie

    My Ex BFF (Ex because she did drugs and stuff) told everyone that I wasn’t a virgin because I use tampons. I was called a slut and whore for about a week, but it blew over.

  • K. Alyson

    I think you just about summed it up… and yes, I’m still completely a virgin.

    • OUT TA BLUII

      I NOT A VIRGIN THANKS TOO A 16 YEAR OLDD I 13 BTWW

  • Isolde

    i believe losing your virginity is about having the penis entering the vagina.
    that’s something inevitable.

  • Brigid

    Me and my girlfriend are long distance. So I counted my virginity lost during phone sex. A lot of people tell me I’m worng about that but mentally I lost my virginity.

    • Gabriel

      I’ve wondered the same thing becuase I was raised really religious. My mom never really talked to me about any kind of sex. All I knew growing up was that sex was bad. I Never really considered any other form of sexual intimacy(Like Oral, or Touching Someone Else’s Private Area) I just literally had never even thought about it or did anything like that at all.I just got my first kiss this year. I’m 22. And that led to other things. I wasn’t ready to do these things but the guy kept touching me and I couldn’t control myself, so I let him touch me(down there). I felt completely horrible afterwards and there was also a little blood, a weird colored blood kind of purple-ish. Now I feel like i’m no longer innocent or a virgin.I don’t know what to do, I Feel so awful about it all the time. becuase of my religious upbringing. I didn’t have sex with him but somehow I feel so dirty and nasty.

      • Alison

        Sweetheart you are definitely still a virgin, please don’t feel bad or wrong about what happened. I completely understand how a religious upbringing could affect the way you feel about sex and intimacy, but please don’t let it. You’re beautiful and sex is beautiful too. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. The first time he puts his hand down there will always be confusing, but you need to understand that it’s okay and it should feel beautiful, natural and right. If it doesn’t, there’s nothing wrong with you, it’s not your fault, it’s the guy’s. Please don’t feel guilty or sad.