Boards
Your virginity is your business, ladies! | Source: Shutterstock
There’s so much gossip about who’s a virgin, who’s not, who lost their V-card to whom, and on and on and on . . . but um, what is virginity to begin with?
I know you’re rolling your eyes, and being like, *duh* how can you not know what virginity is? But um, I don’t think it’s as simple as you think it is.
A lot of people think that a girl only has her virginity as long as her hymen–a membrane that partially or totally covers the vaginal opening–hasn’t been broken. That said? A lot of people are plainly wrong. Your hymen can be broken lots of ways besides having sex–like through exercise or horseback riding–so what shape it’s in really is no indication of whether or not you’re a virgin. Let’s throw that one in the trash.
Some other people think that your virginity is over the first time anything goes into your vagina. Don’t listen to these people, either! They’re dummies! Using a tampon will not make you lose your virginity, and neither will having a thorough exam at the gynecologist. Virginity is about sex–and since neither of those things are sex, neither of them affect your V-card. Simple as that.
But now we’re coming to the biggie: Since we’ve established that you have your virginity until you have sex for the first time, what kind of sex are we talking about, exactly? There are lots of different kinds of sex, and not everybody will have every kind in their lifetime. Think about it: Most lesbians probably aren’t ever going to ask a dude to enter their vagina, but that doesn’t mean all lesbians are life-long virgins!
This is where things get a little murky and you can make your own call (for some people, oral sex counts, for others it doesn’t)–but I think you lose your virginity the first time you choose to have sex where your bits down there are in contact with someone else’s down there bits. Girls can do it with boys or girls. Guys can do it with girls or guys. It’s an equal opportunity V-card ditch day!
But let’s back up one tiny bit, because I think there’s something else super important that we haven’t talked about. I said that you lose your virginity the first time you choose to have sex–and choose is a super key word. I know that some people think that your virginity can be stolen from you if you are raped or sexually abused in another way, but I don’t like to give that much power to the horrible people who commit such awful crimes. Sex is about pleasure, and to experience it fully, you have to choose to do it yourself. It’s your decision, and nobody elses. I’m not trying to downplay the horrible stuff rape survivors go through–far from it–but I firmly believe that your V-card is yours and yours alone, and that nobody can steal that special feeling that you’ll have the first time you do it because you want to.
How do you define virginity? Do you think we got it right, or are we way off base? Do you still have your V-card? Tell us everything in the comments!
How Will You Know If You’re Ready For Sex?
Would You Rather?
i heard, if even you put your finger in your ass you have lost your virginity,,,,is that true???????
Why do we even have to use the term “virginity”? I tend to agree that you are no longer a virgin if you are raped, becuase even if it was against your wishes you can still get pregnant, and their is only one virgin in history who has fallen pregnant. Without a universal definition, how can one really answer if they are still a virgin? I simple say, i’ve never had consentsual sex.
I decided randomly that I didn’t want to have a hymen when I had sex for the first time so I took some Advil and took care of that myself, I am a total baby and I cried a bit and to be honest it would ruin the moment if I started crying in the middle of sex so I`m glad I did it. It was also kind of empowering knowing that I personally got rid of the stupid thing. I am still a virgin though and even though some of my friends make fun of me for it, I`m the one who is going to be laughing at them in the end if they keep having unprotected sex with a multitude of guys! I just turned 17 I shouldn’t `t be expected to have had sex anyways so I`m just going to have fun and be young and care free while I can. I can focus on more serious things like sex when I feel I am ready.
For a straight girl, I think it’s when the penis enters the vagina for the first time … For lesbians, I just think it’s when they have ladybits-on-ladybits contact in the middle of sex for the first time, and I think for gay guys I think it’s when penis enters the behind region.
I agree with this^. I think genital to genital contact takes a virginity, well, when the genital is used in their proper way (I.E penis penetrating, vagina being penetrated) because everything else is considered masturbation (to me, rather). With Gays and Lesbians, I think they should decide what counts as loosing their virginity, but since there is so many foreplay for homosexual to do, sometimes with penetration while the other partner is not, the person in themselves should establish what is that powerful sexual moment where it’s no longer masturbating together, and is now sex together.
Think about it, we have the word “sex”, and we have the word “intercourse”; sex means many different thing (even gender) but intercourse is the action of a penis entering a vagina/anus/oral cavity, and the opposite being entered, so I personally define that as loosing virginity. Penis to vaginal sex is obvious, once a penis is inside the vagina; penis to anal sex is also intercourse, as it is inside them; oral sex is a little tricky, it really depends on the person’s belief, fellatio is where a man can loose his virginity, but it’s not really fair to say the person giving it lost theirs, and cunnilingus can take a woman’s virginity away, but I believe when the vagina(hole) is penetrated.
Of course, all of this unconventional sex is what makes it hard to pinpoint when virginity is taken. Good ol’ fashion penis to vagina is what bases sex, because it all breaks down into reproduction, and that’s about the only way to have a baby (naturally), that’s why I think virginity taking is all in the mind of the beholder, but there is a first time for everything. Vaginal virginity, anal virginity, oral sex virginity, even a masturbation virginity, virginity isn’t just one thing, people can be a virgin to sex, but sex has become too many things to just say penis to vagina.
i TOTALLY AGREE WITH U 100% Alyce.
i this this as well.
i think it’s dumb to consider yourself a virgin if you have been already fingered,gave a hj,a bj,let only the tip in etc etc just because you didn’t had a d*** inside! i mean c’mon people-.-
I am no longer a virgin because I chose to have sex with my first love & although neither of us finished I am no longer a virgin.. right ?
right.
Am not a virgin either. But am happy to loose it He’s the lover of my life and hes my first in everything and my high school sweet heart. i mean everything. So where going to make it into marriage. We are happy for each other.He mean a lot to me.
I wanted to lose my virginity for a while and honestly I think it was just because most of my friends had lost theirs. I had the chance and almost lost my virginity to a hook up buddy. Thank God I didn’t because after we hooked up I found out that he bad mouthed me alot and only hooked up with me when he was bored. I’m now aware that whoever I lose my virginity to I will develop feelings for and I want my first time to be with someone important to me and feel secure with. I wasn’t sure about having sex with my hook up buddy and thankfully I made the right decision. My advice to girls who are not sure if they are ready to have sex with a certain someone or not is that it’s okay to say no. If you don’t think you can fully trust the person then don’t do it. I know that if I had sex with him I would regret it and I don’t want to look back on my first time with regret and no other girl should feel that way about their first time. Also no girl should do it just because their friends are either. It’s often that I’m the only virgin among my friends but it makes me feel pure but also classy that I don’t go throwing my cat around. Don’t be afraid to say no girls because he may not be the guy who you think he is.
Girls,virginity is ur dignity,ur pride,beauty,honour n power,,dnt ever lose it 2d man u ar nt sure of dating,try n keep it 4d right man.
I ride horses
same!
I don’t understand why you girls alway asoiate virginity and inosents. I haven’t thought of my self as inosent for years and only lost my virginity last week.
I was fooling around with my ex one night in the back of his car. His p was on the outside of my v and although he tried, penetration never happened. So the whole touching genetalia to genetailia thing, I don’t believe is losing your virginity. I still believe I’m a virgin. Looking back on that, changed my life. I really want to wait for the guy I’m spending my life with to have sex. It’s more than just pleasure, it’s about loving someone so much your willing to give them your purity and sharing a moment with them that means so much love & understanding.
I will be marrying the only man I will have sex with ever on Saturday. We have waited until marriage, struggled through 8 years of courtship (5 of those 8 being engaged) and remained virgins until our wedding night. My idea of virginity is not having any kind of sexual intimacy that involves genital on genital contact/ genital anal. While shortly after we first started dating my soon to be hubby and I tried fingering and oral sex, we decided to abstain from those things, because they would ultimately lead to an act that could cause pregnancy.
Yaaaaao guys i love sex so much it’s make you happy try it …
I agree with cerebralcoma about the hymen and losing your virginity. Back to the article now… I disagree with how sex was defined around virginity, leaving out important factors like STIs and pregnancy. Basically, there are two types of virginity: one is the social idea – what you feel in your heart, purity, innocence; the other is when being a virgin no longer applies to you in a physical way. If someone were having lots of oral sex, anal sex, mutual masturbation, dry sex, etc. would you say they are not having sex? You can get STIs from these activities. In some cases, you can even get pregnant. The term virginity is a social construct and you can mold its definition as such. It’s unfair to tell people that by engaging in any sexual act that isn’t strictly genitalia-to-genitalia that they are not having sex. It’s good to be aware of your sexual activities because it will help keep you healthy, meaning you have the knowledge of yourself to use when speaking with a doctor or when getting tested. And it’s a really super great idea to actually talk with the people you choose to join you in these activities, open communication is awesome. Consent is also awesome and something everyone should read about. I love gURL, but sometimes their posts seem a bit uneducated. Scarleteen has some useful information on sex and sexuality. You may also try Go Ask Alice – they have q and a. Also, while it was great to address gay sex, it’s good to note that sex and sexuality are two totally different things. Sex is physical, sexuality is an identity. For example: one can be asexual and still be in situations where they have to worry about their virginity. For the record, I consider myself a virgin and have not engaged in any sexual acts. I also consider myself chaste, which means I’m not trying to get laid but instead choose to abstain from sex. I hope this helps. xhugsx
Losing your virginity is a Choice. it’s not simply having it forcefully taken from you. This does not count. Though it may take your Physical virginity, unless you say it counts, it doesn’t. No one has the right to Take your virginity from you. It’s a choice you must make yourself. Losing your virginity is about sex. and not the forced kind. It’s about wanting it. It’s about the pleasure. about it being the right time. people who haven’t had their physical virginity taken from them, wouldn’t understand. They consented it. They Had the choice. For those who didn’t, it’s a hard thing to live with. and a harder thing to tell the person you truly lose your full virginity to. Some choose never to tell that person it was unwanted. They should still have the satisfaction of being able to say they are a virgin. It’s not their fault it was wrongfully taken from them. Therefore, your virginity is technically still yours to call.
I still am a virgin. I haven’t had sex yet and probably never will until I meet the right one day. It’s hard not falling into the peer pressure of all my friends but I still stay strong because I know two things about myself:
1. I will get emotinally attached to that person.
2. I value my virginity.
if you get RAPED you are NOT a virgin . when people lose their virginity to first time sex its not always pleasurable . . yet they lost their virginity . a ___ in your ___ means you lost it and thats that .
Thanks for ur opinion but it has different meanings to different people
Dude that is not right. The girl is still a virgin.
Virginity is so much more then the physical aspect. Yes, in rape, you are no longer physically a virgin, but in your heart and mind, and depending on beliefs, spirituality, you still are, and thats the part that really matters.
AMEN!!!!!!! you are exactly right… if a penis goes in your vagina ….then you lost your virginity like it or not…. you lost your innocence forever and virginity isnt a choice… rape victims cant still claim they are virgins…their purity was stolen and thats that! thats my opinion and if anyone has a problem wit the way we think they can go f**k themselves… oooh not the best choice of words…
so right
I’m sorry you feel so bitter and angry about this subject. As i’ve said before, virginty is more then the pysical aspect. I don’t feel like somone is any less “pure” because they were raped, and that whole idea is old fashioned and sounds a lot the you’re blaming the victim. Virginity IS about choice because purity is about the HEART not the body.
Less Pure? Are you kidding me? That’s horrible. Why are you so bitter?
I’ve never had sex. I’ve met alot of girls online and in the real world who actually have. They said it hurt bad at first and then it was over. I always get this weird feeling that the first time I decide to have sex, I’m going to chicken out. I hate pain and the thought of getting hurt down-there terrifies me. Can anyone tell me if theres a way to prevent too much pain?
Someone told me about master-bating before. I never tried (fear of pain). She told me it was possible to just “feel” the outside of it. Eh.. I’m shy when it comes to talking about sex and everything that people would not normally talk about with me.
I’m also very curious. Theres this boy I like…well, 2 of them. One is 17 and the other is idk how old. I’m 13 and I obviously know they’re both older than me. I have a feeling that one of the boys likes me. I want to ask him out, but from the people he hangs around, I fear he might “ask me for it”… Help!
First off, that is a really big age difference, i know its hard to except the fact that he is but 4 years comes with a lot of maturity. Dont feel pressured to do anything you dont want to! And you shouldnt let his friends make the decision for you! The pain is from breaking the hymen. And it is painful but many girls break there hymen before they have sex by playing sports, horseback riding or even just putting in a tampon. ask your doctor if it is broken if you dont know! self pleasure is a good idea if you dont want it to hurt while actually having sex. but listen to me, even if you think you are ready, you are really young!
Sweetie I don’t think it’s a good idea to have sex at your age. It may even be illegal and the guy can get sent to jail for statutory rape. In most states the legal age is around 16. Don’t let anyone pressure you, you’ll regret it. You want your first time to be as special as it can!
If the one who likes you is the boy who’s age you don’t know, you definitely shouldn’t do it with HIM. At the end of the day, if you don’t know his age … What else don’t you know about him? I’m thirteen, too, and I got to admit … I would never dream of dating a 17 year old (if that’s the one who you are thinking of asking out) but I guess that’s me … But I advise you not to. If you don’t trust him enough to an extent where you think he might force you, then it’s not a good idea.
Let’s just say you start dating the one who likes you. You’re at his house, and it’s obvious there’s some tension in the room; but you don’t want to do it. If he starts pressuring you, or tries it on even when you said no, tell him where to stick it and walk straight out the door. What I’m trying to say is, just imagine yourself in that situation.
And, girl, I think you need to stop being so afraid. For when the time DOES come where you want to have sex, you shouldn’t be afraid to such an extreme where you ‘chicken out’. I’m sure nearly every girl is nervous about the pain side of things, but at the end of the day … You need to do the pain bit so it starts to feel good.
Good luck.
Aaaah, can we please take a minute to discuss some of the things in this post?
First off, it is very clear that while writing this article, very little research regarding the hymen was done. It is widely being accepted that the idea of the “hymen” that society knows today is a myth. There is no thick piece of skin covering the vaginal opening that ruptures once, bleeds, and then never returns. However, there IS a mucus-like layer that covers the opening of the vagina (though it rarely covers the entire opening because if it did it would interfere with the menstruation cycle). That being said, while it does tear, not only do many vagina’s mucus layers not tear, but the mucus layer often grows back. The idea society has about the hymen is completely wrong. It was created as a means of controlling people with vaginas, and sex-shaming them. Knowing the proper information about the hymen not only helps with identifying what is-and-is-not someone’s sexual debut, but it helps to rib society of some of it’s sex-shaming ways.
Can we also talk about how damaging the idea is that you “LOSE” your virginity? When you have sex for the first time, contrary to what society wants us to believe, we do not lose anything. In fact, we really only gain. When we use the word “lose”, it promotes the idea that sex is shameful; that a piece of us is lost when we have sex. This was largely affected by society’s masochistic need for women to believe that having sex meant they lost their innocence, dignity, etc. So using the term “loss of virginity” does more harm than it does good. That’s why most people have started to opt for “first time” or “sexual debut”.
Lastly, I don’t think it was stressed enough in this article that how someone identifies theirs sexual debut is extremely personal AND NOBODY ELSE’S BUSINESS. If someone wants to declare their sexual debut as the first day they received oral sex, that is their personal decision and they should no feel pressured to change it based on other’s views or even have to discuss it with other people. The things that happen in someone’s personal life are their own, individual decision, and have nothing to do with anybody else’s opinion.
(Also, I’d like to point out that while it’s awesome to make sure this post wasn’t heteronormative, any sex regarding trans* people was totally looked over.)
^ Amen 2 that!
… Your hymen doesn’t break, it rips. But it always heals. The blood is from the tear. The idea that a ‘cherry can be popped’ is ignorant old-age propaganda that makes it sound like our losing our virginity is something much more serious and dirtying than it actually is.
I consider myself a virgin, even though in technicality, accoriding to the artical, I may not be. My siduation is rather unique then I geuss.
See, what happened, is that I have consentually had a penis inside me. But we DIDN’T HAVE SEX. He pulled out right away, as it hurt way to flipping much. Although we tried on three separate occasions, I still consider myself a virgin because there was no continuation after the initial entry. In my heart, my mind, and my spirit I am a virgin, and thats all that really matters to me anyway.
It’s a scary thought
I totally agree! that’s what happened with me!