I like my best friend’s ex-boyfriend. We’ve been friends since forever, but now we are talking A LOT and hanging out and stuff. We’ve developed feeling towards each other without even wanting to do so! We both feel so guilty and we don’t want to hurt anyone, including ourselves. What should we do?
I know you guys probably feel super guilty about this awkward situation, but keep this in mind: you can’t always help who you fall for. That mind sound totally corny, but it’s true. Don’t beat yourself up for this – sometimes we don’t have as much control over our emotions as we wish we did.
That being said, you really need to talk to your best friend about your new crush. I know that’s going to be a really uncomfortable conversation, but it’s also a really necessary one. Before you admit your feelings to her, you need to realize that telling her the truth might make her really angry. Consider a few things before you take the plunge: how long did she date this guy? Did they have a really bad breakup? Does she still have feelings for him? When did they break up? If they ended things recently and she hasn’t moved on yet, maybe you should consider waiting a little bit longer to be with this guy and to spill the beans to your friend.
When you think the time is right, tell your BFF the truth – you’ve been hanging with her ex a lot, and you two have developed feelings for each other. Simple as that. Don’t try to make excuses or lie about anything, because that will only make things worse. Explain to her that you feel really guilty about this crush, but you never meant for it to happen, and apologize for any way this might be hurting her. Let her know how much she means to you and tell her that you don’t want to lose her as a friend.
Whether or not you want to ask her approval is up to you. Asking her if she’s cool with you dating her ex is definitely a nice gesture – but she might give you an answer you don’t want to hear. If your friend gives you her blessing, that’s awesome! But unless you know for a fact that she’s 100 percent okay with you dating her ex, don’t rub your new relationship in her face. Keep things casual around her in order to avoid some really awkward situations. It’s respectful to do so, and I’m sure she’ll appreciate the effort you’re making for her.
If she freaks over your confession and demands that you choose between the guy and her, you have to go with your heart. (Another corny saying, sorry!) In the end, it will come down to what you value more: her friendship, or a potential relationship with this dude. I can’t tell you the right or wrong answer here. Just know that if you choose this guy (and it’s okay if you do), and something goes wrong down the line, you won’t have your BFF to fall back on – and that’s a pretty big thing to give up.
What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at firstname.lastname@example.org