Help – I Like My BFF’s Ex-Boyfriend!

My friends ex

She might not be too happy about this… | Source: ShutterStock

Hi Heather,

I like my best friend’s ex-boyfriend. We’ve been friends since forever, but now we are talking A LOT and hanging out and stuff. We’ve developed feeling towards each other without even wanting to do so! We both feel so guilty and we don’t want to hurt anyone, including ourselves. What should we do?

I know you guys probably feel super guilty about this awkward situation, but keep this in mind: you can’t always help who you fall for. That mind sound totally corny, but it’s true. Don’t beat yourself up for this – sometimes we don’t have as much control over our emotions as we wish we did.

That being said, you really need to talk to your best friend about your new crush. I know that’s going to be a really uncomfortable conversation, but it’s also a really necessary one. Before you admit your feelings to her, you need to realize that telling her the truth might make her really angry. Consider a few things before you take the plunge: how long did she date this guy? Did they have a really bad breakup? Does she still have feelings for him? When did they break up? If they ended things recently and she hasn’t moved on yet, maybe you should consider waiting a little bit longer to be with this guy and to spill the beans to your friend.

My friends ex

Make sure he’s worth hurting her over | Source: ShutterStock

When you think the time is right, tell your BFF the truth – you’ve been hanging with her ex a lot, and you two have developed feelings for each other. Simple as that. Don’t try to make excuses or lie about anything, because that will only make things worse. Explain to her that you feel really guilty about this crush, but you never meant for it to happen, and apologize for any way this might be hurting her. Let her know how much she means to you and tell her that you don’t want to lose her as a friend.

Whether or not you want to ask her approval is up to you. Asking her if she’s cool with you dating her ex is definitely a nice gesture – but she might give you an answer you don’t want to hear. If your friend gives you her blessing, that’s awesome! But unless you know for a fact that she’s 100 percent okay with you dating her ex, don’t rub your new relationship in her face. Keep things casual around her in order to avoid some really awkward situations. It’s respectful to do so, and I’m sure she’ll appreciate the effort you’re making for her.

If she freaks over your confession and demands that you choose between the guy and her, you have to go with your heart. (Another corny saying, sorry!) In the end, it will come down to what you value more: her friendship, or a potential relationship with this dude. I can’t tell you the right or wrong answer here.  Just know that if you choose this guy (and it’s okay if you do), and something goes wrong down the line, you won’t have your BFF to fall back on – and that’s a pretty big thing to give up.

take care,
Heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com

 

What do you do when your BFF turns into a frenemy?


Posted in: Friends, Love Advice
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  • Sarah Jane

    Okay, well my best friend went out with the guy she knew I had a crush on. I acted totally fine with it, and two months later she dumped him. My feelings never went away for him and now me and him are talking a lot more and flirting with each other. My best friend is still my best friend and she is now back with her ex. Do you think it would be okay if I dated him?

  • Phoenix

    I went out with a guy for almost a year when I was fourteen. Four years later (after dating my then best friend – she kinda broke us up), when my friend and I have made up, he’s started to go after my other best friend, who I’ve known since I was 11. Until all this started I had no idea about it at all, but Friend #2 confessed that she’s had feelings for him on and off all year. Theoretically, it shouldn’t bother me and I so want her to be happy, I’ve had a new boyfriend for two years (we’re going to uni together and everything) but he is such a slimeball and wrecked both myself and Friend #1. How can I protect her without pushing her towards him?

  • Miseria

    Hey. So my best friend and her ex bf broke up end of last year. And i have been hanging with my friends or him and his friends(my bff still hates his guts). In the last few weeks i have developed feelings for him. I dont know how he feels about me. What should i do???

  • Person

    My friend dated the guy I like and I also dated him for a day in sixth grade and it was kind of awkward mainly because me and him are like bffs but it’s been a year and I think I really like him and am ready to commit but lately my friend acts like she owns him. Any advice?

  • brittany

    I am 16 and was finially baptized last year when i was 15.i invitited several friends including my best friend tina and her boyfriend josh to my baptism party.i was dressed in the required white,poofy above the knees dress with the matching bonnet,lace socks and white ‘mary jane’ shoes.under my dress i had to wear a cloth diaper,plastic pants and tee shirt.At my party josh kept staring at me and smiled at me several times.towards the end of my party,tina had to leave and josh stayed and started flirting with me and told me how cute and babyish i looked.we went out in the back yard and behind our garage and he put his arms around me and kissed me passsionately and then ran his hand up under my dress and felt my diaper and plastic pants and told me i was so cute and girly and i was flattered.we continued necking and holding hands,then he told me he really liked me and was going to break up with tina and asked me out on a date.i didnt know what to think as i didnt want to hurt tina.itold him no that it wasnt fair to tina and he left.

  • Nichole

    Hi,
    I have a bf and I like my bf a lot but I also like my friends ex, well he and this other girl are/were dating cuz today I had to tell him that his gf is cheating(a friend of mine saw her holding hands with another guy) on him, think he really deserves a girl who won’t cheat on him my bff cheated on him and I knew it cuz I saw her holding hands with another guy while they were dating) and she really wants him back but he won’t give her the time of day… What should I do???

  • roselove445

    i got a crush on my ex best friends ex boyfriend. when we dated she thought i was just doing it to make her mad so she mad our lives a living hell. really awsome bff right. (god i wish sarcasm came through on the internet)

    • Eli munoz

      Well you can’t balm her for being mad. Look at it from her perspective. She may have went over board. (Not sure what she did) but don’t expect her to act like a best friends when you took the initiative of dating her ex. That isn’t a great bestfriend either. All together if you love him and he loves you then congrats an good luck but don’t expect your BFF to stick around and watch you guys. And you shouldve been prepared for her to be pissed at start drama because some people are bitches when they feel screwed over. Not saying that’s what you did but that’s how she may feel.

  • Maddie

    Hi. I so one of my friends broke up with this really cute guy at my school and the guy is in my last 2 periods of the school day and we sit next to each other. We talk alot and never get caught….but the things is I like him, he tild cupel of my other friends he likes me but he is known as a player at school. Idk y I like him though but when I look at him I see someone that is caring and tries to not hurt people and wants a second chance…. The thing is that we both like each other, I think, but he is my friends ex.. My friend and I arent that close at all…what should I do? Im so cinfused. Help plz

    • Maddie

      The brake up was 3-4 months ago

  • tyffanie

    i am in love with my bffs ex bf i am supposed to hate him he asked me to tell her he wanted to brake up with her and he was using me because he knows i am very slow on gossip things so i did what he asked and a week later i found out he broke up with her cause he was cheating with another girl i was pissed off for weeks but lately ive been dreaming about him and i kissing for long periods of time and then he decides to ask me out and i say yes and now im in love with him in real life what should i do

    • icantloveu

      you should tell ur friend she might be hurt but if shes really your bff then she should understand i mean if SHE fell for him cant YOU??? 😉