Would You Date Someone Even If You Weren’t Attracted To Them?

Looks or personality

Would YOU date someone you weren’t attracted to? | Source: ShutterStock

Check out what’s new on our boards! Right now, girls are talking about dating someone with a great personality who you’re not attracted to:

nicoleplzstfu1 said:

Hey gurls,

So I just went out on a date today with a guy I’m NOT sexually attracted to, at all. I mean, he’s not ugly, but he’s not sexy to me. He has a cute face, but that’s it. The thing is… his personality is amazing. We held conversations very well and everything. I just don’t know if I can see myself dating him. He’s got a good job and two hot cars. So gurls… should I continue talking to him and give him a chance even though I’m not sexually attracted to him? I don’t know, I’m just confused. 

Got something to add to this convo? Then go for it, girl. Tell us what you think in the boards: would you date someone with a great personality who you weren’t sexually attracted to?

 

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  • Laura

    Good stuff.

  • Krysten

    I am in a similar situation. I just broke up with him because my lack of interest. Very sweet guy but I didn’t feel anything grow in me. Maybe Im not being patient enough. But I think I am living disappointed in myself and dissatisfied with life. With only one other dating experience that lasted a few months, I feel like I want to wait and see if I get that chance to meet the guy I am physically and intellectually attracted to. I would think every girl has the dream of meeting a man like that. And maybe I am being unrealistic and naive but I say I’m still young. I should give myself that chance before settling. And I don’t just mean to imply that I am searching for something ‘better’ but more so I am searching period. I can envision this sweet guy having me and never letting me go and there would never be a reason to let go. I think it would be a lasting relationship because we are compatible. But that is not where I want to be with him, not to say that is not where I want to be at all. And I think while I have my youth, there shouldn’t be too much harm In searching for what i have always longed for. besides the harm of missing a potentially wonderful life- lasting opportunity that only a sweet and genuine man could offer. In the meantime I get to wonder if I am expecting too much of life or am I being superficial and if I am will I end up missing out altogether because my lack of insight? This last thought is what keeps me wondering what I really want.

  • Eizy

    If it isn’t looks, it’s money, or cars. Shallow but evolutionarily valid. I hate you all.

  • 60minman

    If you are young…you should not sell out. Strive for that buring love afair that you deserve. All oars should be in the water when it comes to matters of the heart. Looks…personality…and compatability. As you get older…you can lessen the looks requirement but while you are young….you deserve that inferno of passion that awaits you.

    I found my gal about 17 years ago. She lit my life up like a Christmas tree. I put her up on that pedestal where she still resides today. She saved my life…a true gift from God I believe. I’m just an ordinary guy that tries hard to be a good man.

    Bottom line….I never wanted to live without her. When you find that…your search is over.

  • sadhbh

    so I really like my boyfriend, he has such a nice personality, he is so nice to me and we have a lot in common. Its not that he’s unattractive, its just he’s not.. Conventionally good looking. All the really hot guys in my year are total assholes and they keep on using girls who actually like them just to hook up. One of these guys used my friend and she REALLY liked him.. Until she caught him making out with another girl. I would pick my cute guy any day over the hot assholes that only cause heartache.

  • Someone Somewhere

    I had my mind set that I wanted to spend some time alone and work on me. I am 32 with two kids, and went through a divorce a little over a year ago. I went from divorce to clubbing and just doing alot of things younger people do. I had moved into an apartment at the same time as my 25 yr old friend because I had lost my house in divorce since his parents owned it still. My friend/acquaintance took me everywhere. I set foot in a club for the first time at the age of 31 and felt like I was 17. I look very young still according to many people. I think I look my age but, dress up well… Well I decided that the clubs, dating, experimenting, and exploring were quite fun, I still wanted more. I wanted to be more organized and get myself into a stronger position where I could better myself through self analysis, education, spending more time focusing on kids and not letting myself be so concerned about the rush to get in a relationship. This man was a customer in my store. He talked a bit about what he did with the oil company and pumping water into the ground. I am into all things wierd so I explained to him about fracking and how some people have youtube videos up about people that have gotten gases into their water because of it, and they can run the tap and set their water on fire..and some stuff about the increase in earthquakes. He gave me his phone number later because he found me attractive and wanted to see me. I just ignored it, never called..nothing.. Then he came back a week later with a box of chocolates and money for my kids. I tried to tell him no, but he insisted and said no strings attached. I have dated nothing but broke dumbasses..cute but dumb. This man had actually bought me something. I gave him my phone number and he called..he started telling me how he wanted to pamper me and buy this and that for me. I felt so guilty because I never considered myself as the kind of person to lust for money. He said he could take me to visit my parents and he would pay for college..and all he wants is to make me happy. I am white and he is black..supposedly 38, but I think 45 would be closer to his age by his looks. I feel a bit awkward dating a black guy for whatever racist bone which lies in me somewhere. I dated one but for the most part I am not attracted. On top of that he is for sure at least six years older than me, most likely closer to 13. His personality is very kind and he has that deep southern accent that sounds like the plantation workers from The Adventures of Tom Sawyer crossed with a preacher. He is excellent at communication skills and seems to have a strong Christian background. I let him know that I was Agnostic. He said that there is nothing wrong with being different, and that is what keeps things interesting. The accent somehow is a turn off to me. He seems to think that he can win me over by saying how he can see this and that in me even though I may not see it for myself. I get this creepy feeling that he wants to be with a girl who is insecure somehow so he can overpower them in some way. I know that being nervous about men with money being overly dominant came from my ex husband. I feel so confused about my feelings. I am friends with someone I dated who is overweight, long hair which he straightens, spiky jewelry, and nothing but heavy metal band shirts..I felt very comfortable with him..lol I loved to listen to him play guitar. I hated having sex with him because he only had one position he enjoyed which I did not and he has diabetes and because of it he can lose his erection very easily, but he wants to keep going until he can get off.. It took at least an hour and a half and was painful and many times I just had to stop, but if I could have just had his arm around me and resting my head on his shoulder I would have been happy. I have a tendency to like wounded men..diabetes, in hospital, unlovable, etc. I just need to at least have some kind of physical attraction. I have always been attracted to whites and Mexicans..only black guy was forty and works out constantly. I like the way he dresses up too. I look in the mirror and ask myself what I have to offer a man. I am pretty for the most part, but what flaws do I have that I expect a man to accept? I do not want a man who will stomach his percieved ugliness of me because he likes my personality. Shallow…shallow I see all these comments on here talking about accepting people for who they are. What is wrong with admitting that we are genetically hardwired to go for people we find attractive? It is not saying that it is right or wrong to want to feel attracted to a man. Picture this..you meet a nice man or woman who is 90 and you knew for a fact that they would live to be at least 200…this persons physical appearance would age the same as regular people who die much earlier. He is kind, wise, he has all the time and resources to make sure you are secure as long as you stay by his side. You know he will outlive you.. He is as energetic as a 20 year old. He wants to take care of your every need and he finds you incredibly beautiful.. Would you date the old man, and why or why not? I have no plans of having anymore kids but it does not stop my animal instincts from intensely craving or lusting after a man who is attractive. I feel like if I give the man a chance I would be using him, and out of being a caring person I should not give him a chance. Why is he interested in me? Maybe he is too shallow to not find a woman closer to his age because he too wants the pretty girl. I know my personality interests him but, I doubt if I had the exact same personality and was a black woman 6 years older than him, that he would give me time of day. I am not wanting a man to save me, I want to save myself. The financial temptation of a secure intelligent older man is strong, but it disgusts me that a mans’ wallet tempts me at all. Personality and looks both matter, and nobody will ever be perfect. There is a balance that must be met. We are all nothing but imperfect human beings. I am getting no younger and may be alone forever. It is scary, but I do not want to settle for a man who I do not have at least some lust for, besides a likely big d@’k. Personality and looks are so intermingled within one another that it would be impossible to put a percentage of importance of looks to personality. If you asked most anyone what was more important, they would almost always claim it to be personality. We are and always have been judged by our looks by everyone..job interviews, potential mates, friends, etc. I wish if there was a God that he had skipped making us fleshy at all. I feel confused about my feelings on the subject.

    • tash

      Wow

  • milli

    Omg you knoe Im afraid that I’ll never find a good looking man with a good heart .

    • vic

      They usually get rid of them because they feel they don’t deserve them.

  • Juliana

    I’m going through the same situation! So this guy really wants something serious with me, he has a great personality, he’s well educated, rich; cualities I’ve always wanted in a guy for me. I never thought it would be so hard to decide if i should him a chance or not, because the only thing missing is that physical attraction. Even worst, he’s roomates with the guy of dreams whom I’ve had a crush on for about 4 years lol. I’m 20, I’ve never had a boyfriend, and the reason is because I guess I’ve been searching for the perfect guy, the perfect moment, someone who truly makes me melt, gives me butterflies, someone who doesn’t make me doubt my feelings for him. I honestly don’t know what to do. I feel like if I don’t give him a chance I might miss out on a great guy that might never show up again. HELPPP

    • Lauren

      Hi there, Juliana!
      My name is Lauren. I’m going to college to be a sexologist/therapist, and liking a man for his personality and inner qualities without having a physical attraction is very common. Honestly, a man who has personality and charm over his looks is the best kind of guy, ever heard of the saying ‘Nice guys finish last’? It’s true! You should look at him and remind yourself that a nice, smart, caring guy is hard to find, and that you should be thankful to even have him in your life. If you do not have a physical attraction to him, try to fantasize about what it would be like making love to him, holding him in your arms and having that closeness with him. Once you start getting that sex drive even thinking about him you’ll be amazed how quick you’ll become physically attracted to him, you’ll even forget about his roommate!!! In my opinion, a funny, charismatic guy doesn’t have to be good looking to be damn sexy. <3 Just hang in there, everything will fall into place eventually!

      • Angela

        Oh Lauren – I’d love to pick your brain on a similar topic!

      • apple

        I don’t think it has anything to do with handsome or looks…it’s just a physical attraction….doesn’t have to be a good looking guy we are attracted to…..it’s just happens…when it does we just know it

  • rawry

    so i like this guy he`s nice funny dumb <3 haha he makes me happy he`s my ex ive never felt as happy as when we held hands in middle school people would judge us and we would just keep walking as if they didnt matter and he was a nerd lol he would play those online games when we hung out ive never stoped thinking about him he was perfect to me he was tall skinny had a face of an asian when he was actually mexican haha sexually i had no interest but emotionally i was all his rip to the love that used to be

  • Nina

    I get where you’re coming from. I had a boyfriend who had a great personality, but I wasn’t sexually attracted to him. We dated for a long while, and even though we had fun, my sexual attraction for him didn’t grow. In the end, we broke up because of that.

    That is not to say that nice guys don’t stand a chance. I fell in love with a guy who had a wonderful personality and I was attracted to him. Funnily enough, he didn’t have the typical body shape I would normally be attracted to, but it happened. Love is funny that way.

    The point is, it is rare to find guys with a great personality. You may grow sexually attracted to him over time because of his nice nature, but if you don’t, then it’s time to break up – there’s no point of forcing yourself to be attracted to him when it’s definitely not happening. But try to break up with him kindly and try to remain friends with him, because we need people like that in out lives.

    • Ricky

      Its called maturity and most do not have it. i laugh when i hear these stories how they are not attracted then date a guy they are attracted too but find out hes a asshole lol. just too funny. problem is you are not going to find nice guys anymore most are wising up and looking outside the fake bitches of America for something thats for them not cause they are looking for lust. so as you can see attraction is lust and that what it means. i got married to a girl from sweden who liked me for who i am not cause of my looks but cause of my heart and that is another from of attraction but for you all that have to lust for it you will find your self very unhappy for a long time till you grow up

      • Give it a chance

        I agree with some of these points. In my early 20s i dated someone based on lust, confusing it for love. I wasn’t getting what I wanted from that relationship so I ended it. I then ended up with the most sweetest, kindest, gentle guy. He wasn’t what I was typically attracted to, but once I fell in love with who he was that didn’t matter. I was attracted to his heart. That relationship didn’t work out and the next one I ended up in was based on lust, though I hadn’t realized it until after. He was an abusive ass hole who I wasted almost 3 years of my life on. Now, now I’m with head over heels for someone most wouldn’t give a second look. I wasn’t attracted to him in the beginning, but i knew I should give myself the chance to know his mind and heart, and there is no one more attractive. Ricky is right. It’s about maturity. You need to learn from past experiences and failed relationships to understand what happy relationships are made of. If you don’t, you only have yourself to blame for your unhappiness. I think a kind heart, intelligence, compassion, respect, loyalty and honesty is sexy, and I don’t care what the exterior package is anymore.

  • murad

    YOU ARE TOO DEMANDING, YOU REALLY CANT HAVE EVERYTHING YOU WANT IN A GUY THAT YOU MAY LIKE, ITS RARELY GONA HAPPEN IF IT IS GONA HAPPEN FORGET ABOUT IT GIRL. WITH AN ATTITUDE LIKE THAT NO ONE IS GONA DATE YOU OR YOUR NOT GOING TO FIND SOMEONE THAT MEETS YOUR SO CALLED SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE STANDARDS

    • ruby miller

      “So called sexually attractive standards” is actually what makes people have babies! There’s nothing shallow about it, it’s scientifically proven that when two people are truly sexually attracted to each other, it means there’s a strong compatibility with their dna. Meaning they will have healthy strong babies. Do not underestimate the power of nature! That’s what true sexual attraction is at the end of the day. And I’m not talking about what the media portrays as sexy, or how conventionally good looking someone is… true sexual attraction is perfectly natural, healthy and runs a lot deeper than you think :)

      • Joni

        What scientific paper did you pull that from? “It’s scientifically proven that when two people are truly sexual attracted…” Compatibility with their DNA has nothing to do with sexual attraction. That is just nonsense.

      • Ricky

        Ok lets really step back and use the word LUST nothing Scientific about that its just as it means women lust for men that is the attraction and they just will never get it and as for baby he or she didnt use a condom-ception to keep from getting pregors.

        yeah it runs a lot deeper alright i lust to stick it in her deeper lmao GTFO

        its lust period and when they bitch cause the guy not what they thought they blame all men an i laugh cause its their fault

      • Someone Somewhere

        I agree and have read many times about the science behind love. It is a fascinating subject. You should watch the youtube video explaining why people kiss. It makes sense but is disgusting at the same time. I think it is odd how people feel angry at your response, but maybe they are having bad luck in love life and do not want to believe they are unattractive..because if that is part of the main criteria…they must not be able to meet it, or are ashamed because they could not get with a person they found attractive and have justified why they chose a less attractive mate. Maybe the idea of lust is so sinful that they must fight through their natural instincts to feel like a good Christian? Even a woman who is covered..you can see her basic size..You can still see her eyes. Lust exists everywhere..it was not made in America.

  • Tom

    Women’s feelings are one thing, but in a man, my opinion is that there HAS to be sexual attraction from the start. The person does not have to be physically stunning, but there has to be a few things that make the man want her. To go with a woman based solely on personality & maybe a cute face, is not enough. Not to be crude, but if a man is not sprouting a boner about the woman, they could have a marvelous friendship, but he will always wish he had someone else in the bedroom. Then of course beyond that, personality has to match up as well. Quite simply put, the man HAS to perform, so there is no kidding anyone. A woman CAN be with someone that is not even sexually attractive & still have sex, maybe not such good sex, but all the other stuff the man has to offer, money, nice personality & humor, supportive etc. but in a mans case without a hot sex partner hes going to lose interest. Its just male biology. No drive for sex…a woman had best leave them, because cheating on her will ALWAYS be a strong possibility & if intimacy & commitment are of utmost importance, as it should be, then seriously girls, you are asking for trouble.

    • giorgia

      @Tom, wow this was seriously offensive and sexist.

      • elle

        @giorgia i absolutely agree with you

        • Glahh

          Sexist? I found it refreshingly honest

    • Jasmin

      Honesty in guys is had to come by, @ tom was very insightful and truthful. Any guy would day tht and if they dont then they’re probably lying. People need sex, or else our population wouldn’t be so large. Lol its something a relationship needs to be healthy. You need a physical attraction tht stimulates you or arouses you from the begining our or you’ll get bored and look elsewhere for some one who will please you.

    • Mrrexx

      Look…men are pigs…generally we are highly driven by what we physically see. Big boobs and a nice arse has trophy written all over it. So what if she has the personality and intelligence of a dead rat….her rack…in and of itself always comes to the forefront.

      Now that I’ve pissed everyone off…do consider this….

      The average woman is clearly 100 times more attractive than the average man.
      IMO….the average woman…if she takes reasonable care of herself…should be plenty gorgeous for many many guys. So….at that point…her personality becomes more important. If looking for a real relationship…I’d rather have the 6 that has a good personality and by the grace of God somehow cares for me…than the blonde bimbo thats a 10 and is constantly being pursued by dozens of guys that I have to compete with.
      If its a sexual conquest you are after…go for the blonde bimbo. If its a real relationship you want…the 6 is plenty gorgeous…and if she can put up with a jerk like me….thats one special girl.

  • Janina

    I will answer your question based on my own experience. The short of it is I did and I’ve been married to him for 9 yrs now. Before I met my husband I only dated men whom I was attracted to physically. I remember dating two (conventionally drop dead handsome) men and they both turned out to be jerks and players. My (now) husband was actually not my “type in terms of physical appearance alone and if I had seen him in a room without actually meeting him I wouldn’t have even given him a second look. I mean he’s not ugly by any stretch of the word but he was definitely not my type. BUT as it turned out, he had a great personality. The attraction came after I got to know him and now 9 yrs after, our marriage is still great. I’m not telling you what to do or anything but how will you know that he could be the best thing that ever happens to you if you don’t at least give him a chance?

  • Callie

    When I met the one I love, was I sexually attracted? No. But now..

  • S

    I can, I have and it was the best decision EVER. To cut a long story short- This guy I met through a mutual friend was not conventionally goodlooking (think Colin Firth, not Brad Pitt), I WAS somewhat physically attracted to him, but mostly, there was just “something there”. We hooked up, it wasn’t good. There was like zero chemistry. But he had a nice personality, and I was comfortable in his company. 3 months down the road, the sex (okay not the sex, we weren’t there yet, but the hookups) got hot, and he’s honestly *become* really good in bed, there’s a LOT of chemistry and he’s a really good boyfriend. I can’t keep my hands off him. He’s kind, respectful, extremely supportive, we have the same values and he’s well educated with a high earning potential (I like rich men and I cannot lie). We’ve been dating for over 2 years now and it’s been great. Imagine if I’d dismissed him that first night because there was no chemistry. As Helen Gurley Brown (Cosmo editor) once said: “The truth is, sex is not the same after the first year. Oh it’s pleasant, all right, but it is not the cliff-hanging variety. However, that’s not a bad price to pay for a good man.” I strongly advise you to focus on his character, as the rest can be overcome in time :)

    • Robin

      I met Colin Firth. He is the hottest man on this planet.

    • Glahh

      So, no comments on “I like rich men and i cannot lie” yet the guy who says he needs a boner to have a sex with a woman gets berating comments??

  • Caroline B

    To be honest, I usually like for a guy to be attractive for me to date them because sometimes I’ll feel embarrassed. But now I see how many guys only want to date girls because of sex, there’s only a few guys who actually stay true to you. My boyfriend now isn’t the hottest person but he’s cute. He has an amazing personality and respects me. So I think you should give this guy a chance because these guys are rare(; But take a chance! You’ll never know till you try! I hope this helps!(:

  • Ashley

    I totally get were your coming from and the best solution for you i guess is to follow your heart. I mean if you feel like you should give him a chance do it if not I totally think you should stop talking to him and stop wasting your time but maybe you guys can be friends just saying but the main thing is you don’t have to be sexually attracted to someone if you wanna be with that person you should like him for who he is not because of what he looks like or if he’s sexy. i say connection see if you two will hit it off you never know.