What Not To Put In Your Vagina

in your vagina

Don’t put any old thing in your vagina–especially not drugs! | Source: Shutterstock

Here’s a little story about why you should be careful with what you put in your vagina, girls.

A woman pulled over as a passenger in a traffic stop got arrested for being caught with weed and lotsa pills–but it got scarier once she got the police station. This woman was also smuggling a whole load of oxycodone pills … in her vagina! What the eff?! If the pill capsules broke, this chick could have died. Not smart, ladies!

Listen, it’s up to you what you put in your vagina. But try not to put anything in there that could kill you. And dude, there’s all kinds of awesome things you can put in your vagina that aren’t illegal or dangerous!

Here are some things we’d recommend putting in your vagina, if you’re so inclined:


They can be yours or someone else’s. Just make sure if they’re going in your vagina that the hands are clean, the person is cool, and the nails aren’t sharp. Ouch!


Sex toys!

As long as it’s clean (and, if necessary, charged up), all shapes, sizes, colors, and mechanisms of sex toys are welcome in your vagina, whether you’re flying solo or hooking up with a partner you trust.


A real, live penis!

If you dig a guy and he digs condoms (and getting tested!), and you feel like you’re ready, feel free to put his junk in your vagina. Just be responsible. But you knew that, because you’re smart. By the way: Note that a real one probably won’t be quite as hard as the one pictured here!
And here are some things you shouldn’t ever put in your vagina:


Drugs or alcohol

From vodka-soaked tampons to oxycodone pills like the crazy lady who got arrested, just because something fits in your vagina doesn’t mean it should go in your vagina. Putting anything chemical in your vagina is super dangerous–not only could you potentially OD or worse, it also opens you up to a whole lot of infections and irritation. And that will make putting anything else in your vagina a lot harder and more painful later.



Food in the bedroom can be a turn on, sure. But putting food of any kind in your vagina isn’t the best idea: some foods are acidic, which can irritate your skin and pH balance (and be super uncomfortable). And if a guy insists he needs something literally edible to go down there, then that’s a guy who shouldn’t be anywhere near your vagina–let alone thinking of getting in your vagina. Just because a prickly pear is edible doesn’t mean it belongs down there. Yowza!



Whether it’s the Summer’s Eve kind or The Situation variety, you do not want a douche in your vagina. The literal douches will cause irritation and screw up the natural balance in your vagina, causing irritation and infections. Figurative douches don’t deserve to be in your vagina–and if they do get there, they won’t treat you with respect (and will, like their literal counterparts, cause irritation of a different kind!). To reiterate: Never, ever let a douche of any kind in your vagina.

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve heard of someone putting in their vagina? Have you ever considered putting something weird in your vagina? Tell us in the comments!

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  • Dion

    Is it okay to insert alive goldfish into vagina?

  • Jasmine

    I have never tried this but is it okay to use a q-cumber

    • Kid Rob

      No. Zucchini. You’ll get much better results.

  • clarabelle

    Am I the only one who does this? I sought of have a phobia of carrying largish amounts of money because I fear it may get stolen off me so here’s what I do say i have $300 I just stick the 3×100 bills in my vagina walk to the toilets near the bank take the money out then put the money in the arm perfectly safe! (recommend)