I have been the “other woman” twice. Although I was complicit in one occasion, the other I was totally unaware.

My story:

The first time I was 18 and had met “R” through an acquaintance. He and I immediately hit it off and began calling and seeing each other when we had time. It hadn’t gotten serious, and I had only been on one real date with him but I liked him. Imagine my surprise when I received a call at work from a girl hysterical. She demanded to know who I was and how I knew “R”. When I calmly told her that SHE CALLED ME, I explained that I had met “R” a few weeks prior and had only really hung out. And that I had ZERO clue that he had a girlfriend, and if I had I would have never gone out with him. She and I met and decided that we actually kind of liked each other and that we were angry at him. So we made a plan to confront him. First separately than together.

She told him that she had heard he was out with girl and described me. He said he had no idea where this came from and told her not to worry about it. I was a bit more direct; I outright asked him if he had a girlfriend. He told me no, and that they had recently broken up.

She and I called and compared notes and decided to go to his house together. He answered the door, and was busted. He knew it. He couldn’t lie about it to both of us, in front of us. So I left and he tried to mend things over with her. He asked me to come by a few days later. He said he knew I would never take him back, and apologized. I know that they worked it out for I think a year and then ended up breaking up. The day he apologized was the last time I ever saw him.

My other story was more complicated.

I had a friend that I made when I had my first professional job. We were hired at the same time. “M” and I were friends. He was married and 9 years my senior. We remained strictly friends for about three years. When we had our first work trip we spent a lot of time together. I never genuinely thought of him as anything more than a friend. The fact that he was married made me feel safe. I know that sounds strange, but I felt like I didn’t have to worry about him because he was married. Kind of like being friends with a guy that is gay, I never even considered him in that way. I was completely and totally myself when we were together. Never worrying what he thought of me. I think in doing that it made our time very intimate. At the time I was 21 and had never been in a serious relationship, or even in an adult relationship. I didn’t know that certain topics let alone friendships are unacceptable.

So one night after a few drinks we were out on a walk and he made his move and kissed me. I remember pulling back utterly shocked. I hadn’t seen it coming (again I was 21) he then laid it out that he had all of these feelings for me, and how special he felt I was and that spending time with me was what he looked forward to everyday….everything you see in a stupid romcom. I took some time and within a few days and several talks to say he wore me down and that I was in a stupid cloud of delusion would be putting it mildly. The first time we were intimate was exhilarating. When I found myself alone with just my thoughts, I felt like crap and cried myself to sleep. Our affair continued for the duration of the business trip, and I vowed to him that once we were home it was over. When we returned home, things went back to normal. We went back to our separate departments and didn’t talk too much. Only brief hellos and casual conversation. Than about a month passed and we found ourselves on another business trip together. We went out for drinks and at some point he pulled me close for a kiss. And like an idiot I fell right back into him. Only this time my guilt hit me sooner rather than later. I started crying and telling him that I hated who I was when we were together. And that no matter what he did or what he said…it didn’t change the fact that he was cheating on the woman he claimed to love; be it me or her. That I didn’t want him because I would never ever trust him and that we couldn’t even be friends. Several months later he called me drunk; it was his birthday and wanted to talk. I told him that he needed to lose my number before he did something he regretted. And that was the last time we ever spoke. I saw a few years ago on FB that he is still married to the same woman.

The point of me sharing this is, I know that in the second situation I was wrong. Not to say that I deserve all of the blame, but I know what I did was wrong. However I am really glad that I had enough sense to walk away before it could have gotten out of hand. What I learned interestingly enough was boundaries. Now that I’m a little older and know a bit more, I would never spend intimate time with someone who is not my significant other (of the opposite sex). It seems like a no brainer, but taking about personal experiences bonds people. And when someone is in a committed relationship those intimate discussion are not meant for other people. It opens the door for a multitude of drama.

The first guy I made out with in tenth grade was a senior and charming and I fell for him. We kissed, he got a girlfriend, they went through patches, so we made out a few times, then his girlfriend found out and he avoided me until his graduation and we made out again.

My second boyfriend in the end of tenth grade was my first real boyfriend. But through the school year I had liked another guy and he had a girlfriend. This was before I was with my boyfriend. Anyway, over the summer he called me up and I thought he was the hottest thing even though he had a girlfriend and he suggested we do some dirty things.

My third real boyfriend cheated on me with other girls a number of time. After we had gotten back together for the eighth time I think, I met the most attractive guy ever bascically. I’ll call him Zach. Anyway I had told Zach I “used to” think he was so attractive. I was trying to be careful not to suggest anything because I had a boyfriend. But then Zach tried to get me. We were alone and he was kissing me but I was holding back because I had a boyfriend. Well, my dumb boyfriend ended up breaking up with me yet again for another girl so I took it as a hint and just made out with Zach.

Basically, the BEST kisser I’ve ever had. I guess that’s what happens when he just so happens to be a sex addict and knows every trick in the book.

Zach and I were more like make out buddies until time passed and I got another boyfriend (who later cheated on me, sad pattern) and he ended up getting a girlfriend. I was very upset. Later I just so happened to fall hard for his best friend (it just happened) and everything was going fine until we broke up.

Zach, still with his girlfriend, was having one of those nights. When you are a sex addict and you haven’t done it in a while you get hungry. I was in one of those “I don’t care, kill me now” depressed-breakup moods so we made out in his bed for a few hours and honestly it was the best time. He wanted to have sex, but I’m still nervous due to our circumstances.

Time passed. We both go about our lives as good friends pretending that we didn’t have the best make out session and that we have the hots for each other. Until now.

He texted me last night. He’s been out of town. He knows I’m crazy about him, and he is crazy about that. So now he’s getting back into town tomorrow and we are going I possibly just go all the way. The affair could go on for as long as we want as long as we don’t get caught and use protection, but still, being the other girl….

I guess I am just used to it now. If I can’t have them the way I want to have them (a loving, serious relationship) then I guess settling for less is what I will do.