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Feeling horribly guilty all the time just wasn't worth it. | Source: ShutterStock
When I was 18-years-old, I made one of the worst decisions I’ve ever made in my life: I started hooking up with someone else’s boyfriend, and essentially became “the other woman.” And this wasn’t just a one time deal. No, this “relationship” went on for a few months.
I know what a lot of you are probably thinking: “How could you do that?”. Or maybe it’s more like, “What a slut!” (Man, we hate that word). Listen, I know that the other woman is normally seen as someone who is manipulative, selfish and just downright nasty. But I swear, I’m none of those things. I’m actually a super-shy girl who fell (hard) for a dude who wasn’t available. It was a think-about-him-every-second kind of crush, so pathetic that it was hard to watch… and so, I made a stupid mistake. Before you judge me, read my story.
I had just gotten out of a very serious relationship and was feeling vulnerable, sad and totally ready for a rebound…and that was when I met who we’ll call K. K was cute, older than I was, more mature (or so I very wrongly thought), and extremely charming. We worked together almost every day and flirted constantly. Even though I knew K had a girlfriend and was off-limits, I couldn’t help the major crush I was developing, no matter how much I wanted to.
After a few months of harmless flirting, things started to get…well, not so harmless. K started asking me to hang out, and while I said no at first, I eventually gave in. The first time we hooked up, I felt absolutely terrible. But at the same time, it was also kind of thrilling. Not only was I doing something no one ever would have expected me to do, but the secrecy of our relationship made things weirdly exciting.
The secrecy might have been fun at first, but wasn't for long. | Source: ShutterStock
For me, this wasn’t just a meaningless hook-up. I really, really liked K. Even though being with him made me feel super guilty, it also made me happy. And I know this is going to sound like a lame excuse, but K spent a lot of our time together talking about how terrible his relationship with his GF was. He told me he wanted to break up with her, but couldn’t because they were “in a weird place.” I stupidly thought that he might really end things, and that made me feel a little less horrible.
Eventually, it didn’t matter how exciting our “relationship” was, or how much I liked him – I knew I had to end things. I couldn’t think about K without thinking about his poor, clueless girlfriend. I started realizing that a guy who could lie to his GF on a daily basis wasn’t really a good guy, no matter how many perfect things he said to me or how much he made me smile.
A lot of times, the other woman gets all the blame. But here’s the thing: they don’t always deserve it. I’m not saying I wasn’t to blame – I made a choice to be with someone who I knew had a girlfriend, and I’ll be the first to tell you it was a mistake. But K was to blame also. He made the choice to cheat on his girlfriend and he was the one who pursued me for a long time.
All I’m trying to say is this: don’t automatically judge a girl who hooks up with someone else’s boyfriend. Before you start calling her all sorts of names, consider that she just might have fallen for the wrong guy at the wrong time. I’ve heard people say that once you’ve been branded the other woman, it sticks with you for life. That’s ridiculous. People make mistakes, and believe me, I still feel incredibly guilty for what I did. And if you’re in this situation right now, you owe it to yourself to dump the dude right now. Trust me, that’s one thing you won’t regret.
Have you ever been the other woman? Would you ever cheat with someone? Have you ever been cheated on? Tell us in the comments.
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I know how this is. I’m not the type to be the “other woman” or a “slut” but ie been the other woman for as long as I have been dating.
The first guy I made out with in tenth grade was a senior and charming and I fell for him. We kissed, he got a girlfriend, they went through patches, so we made out a few times, then his girlfriend found out and he avoided me until his graduation and we made out again.
My second boyfriend in the end of tenth grade was my first real boyfriend. But through the school year I had liked another guy and he had a girlfriend. This was before I was with my boyfriend. Anyway, over the summer he called me up and I thought he was the hottest thing even though he had a girlfriend and he suggested we do some dirty things.
My third real boyfriend cheated on me with other girls a number of time. After we had gotten back together for the eighth time I think, I met the most attractive guy ever bascically. I’ll call him Zach. Anyway I had told Zach I “used to” think he was so attractive. I was trying to be careful not to suggest anything because I had a boyfriend. But then Zach tried to get me. We were alone and he was kissing me but I was holding back because I had a boyfriend. Well, my dumb boyfriend ended up breaking up with me yet again for another girl so I took it as a hint and just made out with Zach.
Basically, the BEST kisser I’ve ever had. I guess that’s what happens when he just so happens to be a sex addict and knows every trick in the book.
Zach and I were more like make out buddies until time passed and I got another boyfriend (who later cheated on me, sad pattern) and he ended up getting a girlfriend. I was very upset. Later I just so happened to fall hard for his best friend (it just happened) and everything was going fine until we broke up.
Zach, still with his girlfriend, was having one of those nights. When you are a sex addict and you haven’t done it in a while you get hungry. I was in one of those “I don’t care, kill me now” depressed-breakup moods so we made out in his bed for a few hours and honestly it was the best time. He wanted to have sex, but I’m still nervous due to our circumstances.
Time passed. We both go about our lives as good friends pretending that we didn’t have the best make out session and that we have the hots for each other. Until now.
He texted me last night. He’s been out of town. He knows I’m crazy about him, and he is crazy about that. So now he’s getting back into town tomorrow and we are going I possibly just go all the way. The affair could go on for as long as we want as long as we don’t get caught and use protection, but still, being the other girl….
I guess I am just used to it now. If I can’t have them the way I want to have them (a loving, serious relationship) then I guess settling for less is what I will do.
Im in love with a married man. I loved him for years and still in love with him.
I’m in one of those as well. And I’m feeling the exact same thing that you’ve written. Although I didn’t find out that he had a GF until after the fact. (It’s a long distance relationship) This is going to be an interesting thing to bring up once I see him again. Because who knows? Maybe he doesn’t really have a GF, and that was just a rumor. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just my wishful thinking. Anywho, I’m glad this was written because I felt terrible about being a “slut”, and after reading this I feel better. And if he does have a GF, I know what I have to do. It’ll be hard, but I know that if we started going out, that he’d cheat on me. Thanks again~
Hi I’m married for 20 years and having a emotional online affair with a guy 4 years younger.
I got caught a year ago when my husband found my iPod that was connected to Skype with this other guy.
He begged me to stop contact and I promised I would.
The other guy has numerousky threatened me each time I want to leave, he threatens to destroy me cos I’ve wasted 4 years of his life and for 2 of them he didn’t know I was married. Even tho I wronged him by not been honest and up front I feel he doing wrong by holding me under this threat, I have 4 kids and don’t wish to loose them.
I regret my mistakes.
I regret not been honest with this other guy and leading him on.
4 years later we still talk daily, and now he been seeing other women cos we agreed he needs to get on with his life.
His girlfriend is now pregnant, he feels confused, he loves her but says his in love with me. He doesn’t know what to do and asked me to help him. He also wants to continue what we have.
My advise was to focus on her and there baby and make it work. And let me focus on my marriage.
He got angry told me he was upset at what I said, I don’t know now what to do.
Well I am also in the same situation.I am dating this other guy who has a GF of five years,well my guess is that I am mainly with him because he says all the right things!They are in a long distance relationship so I assumed I stand a chance with him but now I jst realised that I don’t and yes all my friends are crucifying me for loving him so much.I want to leave him because I know that he is also cheating on me!
I used to have some kind of “fake relationship” with this guy. He blackmailed me,.but homestly, I liked it. We went with it for some time. This was 2 years ago. I always he knew that he was a cheater, had lots of girlfriends. But he seem to knowthe right things to say and well I guess I was stupid then to believe all those shit and went with it anyway. After that we lost communication and focused on other things. Next thing I knew he was dating my friends andI tell you, ALOT of them. Got me somehow jealous, missed the attention and fun we used to have. NOW after breaking up with his ex gf who is my close friend, hes now dating another one of my friends. AND HERE’S THE DEAL: These past months, we’ve been texting and flirting and doing shit all over again. He was the one who brought up the idea. His gf all clueless. I hate him but love him all at the same time. But I hate myself more for letting this happen again. Yesterday, I finally got my shit together and told him that “I’M TOO BEAUTIFUL TO BE YOUR OTHER WOMAN, AND THAT I DESERVE BETTER, SO FUCK YOU.” Stating reasons on why we should stop cheating on each other’s bf/gf ( YES, i also have a bf). Told the bastard to fuck off. We havent talked since then, well since yesterday that is.
That bastard’s name also starts with K, which happens to be my favorite letter of the alphabet. We’re both 15 and yes its one of those teenage relationshits. You probably calling me named now. Its okay, i understand. I’ll probably think the same way of myself too.
And as silly as it sounds, I still hope every new message I get is from him. KILL ME NOW.
was the other woman difference is that i didn’t know and now i’m crushed
I am involved with a man that has been married for 33 years. I have never been in love and feel a great comfort and confidence when I am with him. I have never had a man pursue me and flatter me the way this man has. Unfortunately he was sloppy and felt that his wife didn`’t care what he did as long as he continued to be the ATM. He blatantly did things that made her think that he was cheating. The most obvious things that he left for her to find baffles me. How do you leave hotel reservation confirmations in your email? How do you leave lubricants in a drawer in the marital home? How do you make phone calls to the other woman with your wife close by? When I learned all these things I was shocked, I asked him it sounds like you wanted to get caught and he replied maybe I did. Now I have to be without this man that I am truly crazy about because he has to rebuild a relationship with his wife. He had pursued me relentlessly. I had put him off for so long and then the attention started to attract me. I honestly was not looking for a blue skies and butterflies ending. I just enjoyed the companionship, attention and emotional support. Now I am left out in the cold. I first thought that I have to morally support his reunion with his wife. She has made great effort and promises to him to keep him. Now I am thinking that I would like him to repair things so he will be able to get back to me. I miss the attention. I am a person that has never desired the attention, but now I crave it from him. I had thought that I was a person with morals. I am a animal rescuer and have always been there to help anyone out. Now I find myself morally compromised. I just want him back. The relationship suited me so well. I do not want a day to day connection with someone. I have my animals and my own interests. I just want that little bit of focused attention 2 or 3 times a week. Not even for a day I was quite happy and content with a couple of hours. I know that my feelings are not normal feelings of a woman in love but I really think he is the first man that I have ever exprienced even the hint of love with. I don`’t know if I am in love with him or just the fact that I can maintain my space and still get the attention on occasion. I am almost 50 years old and this is sad that I can feel so selfish at this point in my life. I do want him back and I am going to let him know that I will be waiting on the sidelines while he goes through the motions of gaining some trust back from his wife so that things can go back to the way they were. I do not want his marriage to end. I am actually trying to support the reunion the best I can. If they truly reunite I will deal with that then. Now he is still telling me he misses and loves me so I have chosen to wait I can not close the door on him. I can not give up what I feel is my chance at love even though it is disfuntional and not right.
I’ve known this guy all my life. He’s my neighbor. We were both virgins. We decided we’d be each others’ first and continue a fwb relationship. I told him I thought he was with somebody. He said no, that she was just a really close friend. Before had we sex the first time, I told him I knew he did have a gf and he didn’t deny it. I slept with him anyway because I wanted my virginity over with. Then he started being very gushy with her on his facebook and called her son, his son. I ended it but then let it start back up later on because I missed the attention he gave me. We spent two days flirting a lot then he completely ignored me.
I had been the other woman for the past year. It just recently ended when I told his now-ex girlfriend that he had been cheating on her since the beginning. That resulted her breaking up with him (after a year of dating). He then told me never to contact him ever again, that he doesn’t want me in his life. I accepted for I knew something like this would happen. I expected for him to hate me afterwards. But after thinking – he got over any dislike towards me; he accepted the outcome, said he deserved it. It’s been a week since I told his now-ex. I’m surprised that, due to what has happened; what I did, I still hear from him here and there.
I am the other woman, and have been for the past two years with the same “married” man. Our “relationship” is mostly emotional but very erotic. It’s a delicious relationship of love and lust. We are in love with each other and very happy. He has been in a relationshit for 14yrs with a girl he will not marry or impregnate and has never been faithful in the length of said relationshit. He never speaks about his GF and I honestly cannot care any less. When he and I are together that is all that matters to me. We make the best of our time together which is frequent. We go out openly and have a “normal relationship” with ups and downs. I have never considered breaking up his union, but when upset I have considered informing the GF of his unfaithful ways. She is absolutely clueless. But at the thought of possibly getting stuck with the baggage, I hold back. Last thing I want is a serial cheating boyfriend. Lover I accept, but not a keeper. I love being the other woman, I get all the perks minus the domestic drudgery. I have time for me and time to miss him so when he comes back to my sinful loving it is still fresh. I have remained exclusive for my lover because he keeps me satisfied.
Give him little hints here an there.EXAMPLE: Sit next to him while he wahtced T.V. and say I was watching this one show called Cheaters yesterday, and this guy got caught cheating on his Girlfriend and then his entire family shunned him How could someone actually cheat on their mate, that is horrible, don’t you think, Bro? He’ll end up ratting himself out.
People kill me..The man cheats and we are to blame. I been dealing with the same married man for 5 years. The 1st year his wife calls me crying. She’s hurt, upset and doesn’t want to be a fool. Why call me? I’m not cheating on you he is! I tell him to go home leave me alone. 6 months later he’s back again. This time I don’t care because obviously he has no respect for her or his family. He is saying and doing everything he can for me even though he knows I’m seeing other guys (slut no opportunist yes). Every time I tell him to leave he begs to stay. Year 3 she is calling me again! Why? I tell her everything there is to tell and now she is mad because “I knew he had a wife” Well so does he. He was free to walk away at anytime. I told him to go. I never asked him to get divorced or even mentioned it. That was his choice to make. Finally year 5 I decide enough is enough so I bait him into a hostile argument since he just couldnt leave me be. Moral to the story is I’m not a homewrecker, men wreck their own homes when they decide to pretend to be single and disregard their families. I’m not blaming wives but they should stop trying to make the other woman responsible for what their husbands are doing. I didn’t decieve you, I didn’t make a life commitment to you. He did!! I don’t know you and could care less about you. Why should I respect your marriage when he doesn’t respect own. I’m sure someone will be mad at what I’ve said but oh well..it is what it is
My ex left me for another girl a few months ago. He really liked her, and he seemed over me. It took me forever to get over him, and it was still hard for me to talk to him without having feelings for him. I thought he was over me too, and we had developed a friendship again, and I was texting him one night. I texted him, “Ah I’m so cold I’m shaking!” He responded, “I know how to make you shake
” I was so shocked I went with it. The next day, I felt terrible and told his gf. They broke up, and we’ve been on and off ever since. I still feel awful about it though.
Atleast the relationship didnt go on for 2 years… N its not ur step sister’s common-law for 8 years with 3 children… Ha ha other ppl have got it worse… So dont b so hard on urself… N fyi… Unless someone has experienced this in their lifetime to know the feeling… Shouldn’t b judging… It takes TWO to do the dirty and TWO to make a relationship. Good or bad…
After reuniting with my best guy friend, after two years of being separated by his girlfriend, him and I slept together. He broke up with her the very next day, telling her what happened and why he felt it did. Although I felt guilty about the concept of what happened, I was very hurt by this girl and how she had ruined one of my greatest friendships. It’s definitely not an excuse, but it could be a factor as to why I didn’t stop myself. Anyways, this guy and I are about to celebrate our one year anniversary, and are very happy. They say “once a cheater, always a cheater”, but I don’t believe everything to be that black and white.
i never been cheated on or the other woman but i’ll admit i did cheat..i kissed someone else alot of people dont think thats cheating but i felt soo guilty so i told him we broke up because of it but i will never cheat again its the worst feeling ever ):
I’m in this situation right now, and its been almost a year. he is going away to college with his girlfriend which hurts a lot but i knew it was bound to happen. so yeah i have been the other woman for a while now and its not fun at all, its full of heartbreak, empty promises, and even more heartbreak. I have cheated on my ex boyfriend, in fact it was with this same guy im telling you about now. he was single and i was in a relationship, so now the tables have turned.
however he seems to have lost interest in me since his senior prom night, i’m not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing but i see it as this, if he lost interest…I am free. If he still is interested, i still have to deal with him for the next 3 months till he goes away to college and i lose interest in him, hopefully the losing of interest comes before he goes away to college.
i do not think you are a slut, don’t worry.
i have never been in a situation like this before but i can see me acting the way you did for the same reasons: i am shy, and if the guy says certain things to me (even if he does have a girlfriend), i fall hard (especially if i was previously crushing). anyway, glad you got yourself out of that situation. doing that already makes you a good person so do not dwell on your past mistake. life will go on. 
I totally loved what you said. Too many times women attack each other. It’s a miserable and lonely life when you are the other woman. You can’t be on his arm, introduced to his family, spend the night with him… but yet he’s so on your mind you can’t meet anyone else, that might actually care about how you feel, what you think and where you’re at. So this is it in a nutshell. If you can stop and think….once I get this going I don’t know when or how it will end. I’m giving up my power!!.
I totally loved what you said. Too many times women attack each other. It’s a miserable and lonely life when you are the other woman. You can’t be on his arm, introduced to his family, spend the night with him… but yet he’s so on your mind, you can’t meet anyone else, that might actually care about how you feel, what you think and where you’re at. So this is it in a nutshell. If you can stop and think….once I get this going I don’t know when or how it will end. I’m giving up my power!!.
Same situation, and i totally understand. Only thing is he broke up with her cause she cheated on him, so he was single but still. I fell head over heels for him, we we’re both on the rebound and all the sudden one day he was back with her, i had no idea he was and we we’re still hooking up and hanging out all the time, all the while they were together! When i finally found out I ended things right away. I sort of understood why he did, she cheated on him and then they got back together and he cheated on her. A year down the line now there engaged and he’s tried to talk to me about and apologize, he shouldn’t be saying sorry to me he should be saying sorry to her! So no you are not alone on this and yes I did get called numerous names and was very hurt by it, but yes you are very right if he is willing to do that with you then he’s not someone you want to be with!