Confession: I Was The Other Woman

The other woman

Feeling horribly guilty all the time just wasn’t worth it. | Source: ShutterStock

When I was 18-years-old, I made one of the worst decisions I’ve ever made in my life: I started hooking up with someone else’s boyfriend, and essentially became “the other woman.” And this wasn’t just a one time deal. No, this “relationship” went on for a few months.

I know what a lot of you are probably thinking: “How could you do that?”. Or maybe it’s more like, “What a slut!” (Man, we hate that word). Listen, I know that the other woman is normally seen as someone who is manipulative, selfish and just downright nasty. But I swear, I’m none of those things. I’m actually a super-shy girl who fell (hard) for a dude who wasn’t available. It was a think-about-him-every-second kind of crush, so pathetic that it was hard to watch… and so, I made a stupid mistake. Before you judge me, read my story.

I had just gotten out of a very serious relationship and was feeling vulnerable, sad and totally ready for a rebound…and that was when I met who we’ll call K. K was cute, older than I was, more mature (or so I very wrongly thought), and extremely charming. We worked together almost every day and flirted constantly. Even though I knew K had a girlfriend and was off-limits, I couldn’t help the major crush I was developing, no matter how much I wanted to.

After a few months of harmless flirting, things started to get…well, not so harmless. K started asking me to hang out, and while I said no at first, I eventually gave in. The first time we hooked up, I felt absolutely terrible. But at the same time, it was also kind of thrilling. Not only was I doing something no one ever would have expected me to do, but the secrecy of our relationship made things weirdly exciting.

The other woman

The secrecy might have been fun at first, but wasn’t for long. | Source: ShutterStock

For me, this wasn’t just a meaningless hook-up. I really, really liked K.  Even though being with him made me feel super guilty, it also made me happy. And I know this is going to sound like a lame excuse, but K spent a lot of our time together talking about how terrible his relationship with his GF was. He told me he wanted to break up with her, but couldn’t because they were “in a weird place.” I stupidly thought that he might really end things, and that made me feel a little less horrible.

Eventually, it didn’t matter how exciting our “relationship” was, or how much I liked him – I knew I had to end things. I couldn’t think about K without thinking about his poor, clueless girlfriend. I started realizing that a guy who could lie to his GF on a daily basis wasn’t really a good guy, no matter how many perfect things he said to me or how much he made me smile.

A lot of times, the other woman gets all the blame. But here’s the thing: they don’t always deserve it. I’m not saying I wasn’t to blame – I made a choice to be with someone who I knew had a girlfriend, and I’ll be the first to tell you it was a mistake. But K was to blame also. He made the choice to cheat on his girlfriend and he was the one who pursued me for a long time.

All I’m trying to say is this: don’t automatically judge a girl who hooks up with someone else’s boyfriend. Before you start calling her all sorts of names, consider that she just might have fallen for the wrong guy at the wrong time. I’ve heard people say that once you’ve been branded the other woman, it sticks with you for life. That’s ridiculous. People make mistakes, and believe me, I still feel incredibly guilty for what I did. And if you’re in this situation right now, you owe it to yourself to dump the dude right now. Trust me, that’s one thing you won’t regret.

Have you ever been the other woman? Would you ever cheat with someone? Have you ever been cheated on? Tell us in the comments.

 

Can cheating ever be accidental? Share your thoughts


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44 Comments

  1. avatar boitumelo motloung says:

    i am dating a guy with a girlfriend infact they have a baby i love him so much and he shows me in every way that he loves me too he keeps telling me he is not happy in his relationship and he is going to dump his girlfriend i love him so much and i know he loves me too

  2. avatar Prudence says:

    I have a guy best friend and his girlfriend and are are really close. The other night while drinking we had sex. I feel so guilty. Every time I see his girlfriend I die a little inside. He thinks it’s funny and will often joke about with me. He even brings up stuff in front of his girl friend in a vague way. How do I get over this?

  3. avatar MRP says:

    I am the girl he’s cheating with… and the worst part is I’m not stopping it. He’s my ex. We had a good relationship and he left because he was in love with his ex girlfriend. He shattered my heart and I was so upset I was used for sex after we broke up for months. Then when I picked up what dignity I had left and stopped it, he went and started screwing random people… it tore me apart. Around 2 months later I found out he was doing stuff with someone who I thought was a really good friend, who had promised me, to my face, that she would never date him because she couldn’t do that to me. Still being deeply in love with him, I’m okay with the stuff I’m doing. Before any of this happened she ran her mouth about me to many people and texted another one of my friends about how she thought she would lose him to me. He was never hers to begin with. I feel bad… but at the same time I reallllly don’t…..I feel almost like she deserves it. They’ve only been together a week. He told me not to tell a soul. I’m so stuck.

  4. avatar Mia Walters says:

    I was the other woman…or as some called me the “side chick”. He told me that his relationship was coming to an end soon and constantly complained about HER. I knew wat we were doing was wrong but he made me feel good.he asked me to go on a date with him and said he could see us tg . I thought somewhere deep down that they were gonna break up and that we would be tg. Things changed and now he “realizes how much she cares about him” and he “feels really bad about what we were doing” . I was hurt because I thought he wanted to be with me and I even had sex with him and then a couple days later he figured we should “just be friends”. I’m pretty hurt , angry and upset and a part of me want to tell her… Not because I feel like she needs to know but more because I want to get revenge on him :( tell me what to do please. ?!?!

  5. avatar Leah says:

    Hey I was the other woman too which I totally regret….. I got in touch with an old friend 4 years ago we got on so well he would collect me after nights out and have chats then one night he called to myself we had drinks and we slept together, the next day I told him this was wrong and he needed to choose his fiance or me and he chose her. I didn’t speak to him for 2 years when he kept begging me to be friends, eventually I gave in we got on well he made me smile and told me his relationship with his fiance was Nt going well and he was thinking of leaving her. The thing is they have a child together, we had an affair for 5 months and I fell in love with him when I told him he needed to choose her or me he chose cos of the child. Months later I told his fiance but she thinks I’m lying when all I wanted to do was tell the truth….. Help I don’t know what to do how to make her believe me????

  6. avatar emily says:

    i just bumped into the guy i’m having an affair with and his girlfriend.. holding hands and she greeted me with a wide smile while confusion puzzled his face, it was a surprise but i managed to smile back at her and have a little chat without making it too obvious that i’m literally dying inside… being the other woman is painful, especially when pain is a mixture of guilt and jealousy.. i don’t know what to do, i’m afraid that i’m falling for him and i can’t do anything about it… problem is i can’t help but pick up the phone and answering when he calls even if i swore to my self a hundred time that i won’t.

  7. avatar G says:

    Feels hell to share my own person to others. I never knew that he would cheat me. Im a physically challengd, hvng my set of goals, in btwn a persn by M enterd in my life, hwevr he narratd a story that hs lve broke up. Blindly trustd and our frndshp turnd to lve bt oneside that is me who lvd. He evn hesitatd to say I LVE U to me coz he has told it to frst grl. I ws so proud to lve hm, unfortunately as the days pasd by my lve went deeper to satisfy hs desire. And after evrythng as again the days passd he startd to avoid me via phone, text msgs etc. I ws surprisd to c hs changes and one day he came up with hs wedng crd statng im gtng married my family is proposing 4 an arrangd marriage. Bt he ws stil having an affair with 1st grl frnd. And had chats, meetng, dating and evrythng so on. He got marrid to parents wish, cheatd grlfrnd me and hs wife. Nw he is in pain Hw cn I leave hm al alone? Christ… I hve forgvn hs mistakes bt feels guilty hard angry and deep lve vch is pure.

  8. avatar Kate says:

    Over the past year I was seeing J fairly regularly for sex. It was purely just hooking up. J started to tell me that he cared a lot for me and was glad that we became friends as well. He wanted to expand my sexual horizons. Soon we were talking about threesomes and more. That’s when he told me that an ex girlfriend and himself used to do a lot of swinging. Okay that’s cool. After I hadn’t seen him for awhile he sends me a text saying ‘what would you do is that ex is still my girlfriend’ and I lost it. I felt so bad for her, even though they are used to sleeping with other people, she had no clue that I exsisted. Recently, after much groveling from J, I had a foursome with him, his girlfriend and another guy. She still doesn’t know that I was the other woman. The main event was fun. He spent a lot of time with just me. Making me squirt multiple times in front of them, coming inside of me in front of them. Later as I was sobering up before going home, his girlfriend in bed asleep, we made love, not fucked, on his living room floor. Multiple times before I left. He told me that he missed me. He told me that he’s slightly
    In love with me. I feel awful because I don’t want to get in the way. I don’t want to see him again despite our ridiculous attraction to each other. But I kind of enjoy knowing that there will always be a little spot in the back of his mind that would choose me over her.

    I just feel awful. But I don’t regret what’s been done. I feel like this was goodbye sex. I want it to be.

  9. avatar kf says:

    I’m so glad that this article sort of helped me with my really tormented feelings. I know exactly what you are talking about because right now, I’m in this situation… It did just happen and I feel so bad because I know I want him for myself and yet here I am “sharing” and most of the time, she’s gone… And yet he keeps his distance and only calls me whenever he needs me… And it makes me sad but seeing him makes me happy… call me crazy and all but I am not a bad person…

  10. avatar john tetraus says:

    I believe there is no real answer for being cheated on or cheating. I believe that the people who are most successful in relationships can work together and play together and have like friends who value monogomous relationships. I have had only three long term relationships in my life but had opportunities to stray. It never crossed my mind and i have politely bowed out of such. But i have been open and have told my long term girlfriend of four years about the temptation and the person. This is something i freely voluntered and have chosen to turn this potential detour into a excellent opportunity to recement my relationship with my girlfriend, out to dinner or just a quite night at home by the fireplace and ordering chineese dinner from a restaurant. I now even use texting as a opportunity to recement without being smothering. I believe there is so much going out there that like managing your financial portofolio you always have to adjust and fine tune youir personal relationship witrh your girlfriend or boyfriend. And any man and woman that neglects doing that is in for trouble on the horizon.

  11. avatar M says:

    for the last month, i have been hooking up with a guyfriend of mine. he is in a serious relationship girlfriend of 4 years, and i am pseudo seperated from my husband of 10 years. this is my first time being the other woman, and it’s very exiting. i have always been a faithful partner, and highly against cheating. before i made the decision to be ,”her” , happened after thinking long and hard about the what-ifs. i still wanted him, i had him, and still do a few times a week. the thing to remember, is when you are the other girl, the secret to not getting caught up in the bs is to see a trist for what it is. you should never feel guilty. if you do you are doing it for the wrong reasons. remember, you are the other girl for a reason. usually because the girlfriend isnt taking one for the team. thats right! when you deny a man sex .they will seek it out elswhere. thats how you can reduce your mans chances of being unfaithful. btw. its the girlfriends fault.many men cannot control themselves, and the other girl is only giving him what you wont.

  12. avatar Bianca says:

    this is so true. smh thank you for sharing your story.

  13. avatar Mosby says:

    Just last weekend, I was “the other women.” I went out with a couple co-workers and when we got back I ended up heading over to the room across from me (we live in residential halls on campus) this guy and I had become close over the last month and the relationship he is currently in has been going downhill for months now. They have only been together four months. And I had just gotten rejected by a guy that I really liked..but that’s an entirely different story. Anyways, I was vulnerable and extremely drunk. I only remember bits and pieces, but we hooked up for sure..I feel horrible now :/ and we haven’t talked about it. I’ve seen him every day since then though.

  14. avatar Lucy says:

    I recently made a horrendous mistake and cheated on my husband! I never thought I’d be the person to do such a thing, but I got caught up in a bubble of excitement that I hadn’t felt in a long time, don’t get me wrong my husband is amazing, affectionate, loving, all the things you would want in a man, but after our 3rd child I felt low and stuck in a rut! Then on my social website a man I kissed years ago (when I just started dating my husband) started flirting and saying how much he fancied me and wished he could have spent the night with me, this man knew I was married and was at my wedding! Looking back I see how daft I was to fall for it but I felt so flattered and had that butterflies feeling again! So anyway this went on with messages that tbh were pretty graphic, morning noon and night for 3 weeks with me becoming emotionally attached to him and I didn’t want the excitement to end, so I gave in and went to his home. The sex was amazing and lasted all day, but I foolishly believed I could be that person and then go home to normality but I couldn’t, and once I realised he had what he wanted and was no longer interested I had a mini breakdown! I kept trying to contact him for a little bit of decensy as I couldn’t face up to what I’ve done to my family and with a guy that didn’t give a rats! I eventually broke down and told my husband and we are working through it but I’m still struggling with knowing I was treated with such disregard by a man I fell for a little and hurt my family, meanwhile he can forget about me, move on with his life with no consequences.

  15. avatar Anonymous says:

    Reading your story is such a relief, knowing I’m not the only who who has gone through a situation like this. I to was the “other women”, and its something I wish i never put myself through. I’m a very shy person as well and I’m not one of those girls who are loud in front of everybody and try to hook up or have a bf every month, so it surprised me that I would even be in this type of situation. I met this guy in high school my senior year and we became really good friends, through out the school year I started to develop a crush on him, I had him for a class so i would always get so happy to see him everyday, he always put a smile on my face. I knew he liked me but I also knew he wasn’t to sure about me. At first I just wanted to be his friend and see were it went from there, but as soon as I heard he had a gf I backed off because I’m not the type of girl to be the reason to ruin a relationship or to even get caught up in that kind of drama. I will respect a girl and guys relationship, so i stopped flirting and just stayed as a friend and talked off and on. Prom day was approaching and I really wanted to go to prom with him, he didn’t have a date and his gf was unavailable that day so we decide to go together as friends, I was super excited because obliviously I still wasn’t over him. So we started to talk more and more each day, he was always so sweet texting me good morning and just random talks about things, it got to the point were I started to get attached to this guy, you see I have attachment issues, if I get to attached its going to be so much harder to walk away…but anyways prom day came and the night went well, we held hands at prom and danced and laughed, he held me so close that night like I was so important to him it felt good to feel that. We stayed out till late and things happened, we made out a couple of times and it was just a fun night you know, it never once popped into my head that this guy was already taken I had forgotten all about it. He dropped me home and told me this was the best night ever and that he had fun, the next week was really awkward between us, we said hi and bye but we stopped playing and talking to each other. It really hurt me so I texted him telling him that he was being rude and ugly, he apologized and said he missed the way we were towards each other as friends, so I was like okay its whatever now, it was one night not a big deal, didn’t mean anything lets move on. We moved on and acted as if nothing had happened and that was fine with me as long as I had my friend back, he didn’t tell his gf and he still hasn’t. Finally we graduated and during the summer we started to hang out more, talk more, and hook up more, it became a weekend thing for us. After the second time of hanging out I started to feel guilty that this guy I was with had a gf, I always told myself not to mess with guys who have gfs but I just couldn’t stop seeing this guy he didn’t want to stop seeing me to, he begged to see me one time so I was like okay. And our hang outs didn’t always revolve around making out but I’m not going to lie this relationship was all over lust between us and that’s what I noticed towards the end of it. At the beginning of July I told myself to stop seeing him that all of it was wrong and I was just looking for trouble, so I stopped talking to him for a couple of weeks and by the time I knew it we both just had to see each other, at the end of July we went out and that night was the night that he showed his true colors and what he really wanted, i though he really liked me but he didn’t he used me and I didn’t see that with my own eyes I was being blinded… I never had sex with this guy I always said he wasn’t worth it, so when I went home that night I knew that it was the last time I ever talked to him or see him and I was ready to face it. The next week i get on Facebook and a picture of him and his gf pop up a picture he posted, i cried my eyes out that night because it hurt so bad, that i fell hard for this guy and i was so stupid to think he cared about me. He obviously chose who he wanted and it really sucked because everything was a lie. I thought to myself okay you know it was summer break we were just having fun i was never really in love with him just a crush, i wasn’t obsessed with him either so its whatever we’ll stop and get over it like the last time. But i got so attached to him over the summer that knowing it would all end just like that hurt so bad, he never talked to me after that week. I tried being his friend for a week or two and i just couldn’t do it, i felt disgusting that i gave my all to him and then for what… nothing. It hurt me so bad so i just deleted everything , his texts, his number, his messages on Facebook and i deleted him as a friend as well. It felt good to put him out of my life but it took me a good two months to forget about him and to stop crying from all the pain. He is still with his gf and he has not told her anything about him cheating on her and they are about to go a year into their relationship, she still thinks hes the sweetest most loyal guy she has, but she doesn’t realize that he is a sick bastard, i feel sorry for her sometimes because i know that she puts a lot of effort into their relationship and for him being a coward and not telling her its going to hurt her way more if he tells her later on, if he doesn’t ever tell her, well that’s on him because i don’t really worry about him or her anymore . I know its not all his fault its mine too, i’m no slut or ho i made a mistake and i was being stupid i’m human i’m not perfect, i fell for someone at the wrong time, you can say whatever you want it not an excuse for what i did but hey its just a mistake and we live and learn from it, i think god brings you through some things to make you stronger and to learn from mistakes so you wont do it again. I have moved on from this guy its going to be 5 months since it all happened and i have became stronger from it i’m not going out with any guy now I’ve been focusing on college and just my future, he is a chapter in my life that i closed already, i don’t wish anything bad upon him you know i hope he tells her one day so that their own relationship can get stronger as they are together, and if they break up about it i’m sure she can find someone who really cares about her and wont cheat. but its good being able to share my story as well to you, its been tough when you get hurt by a guy. But you have to move on from it and just see the amazing future your going to have. Your past doesn’t define who you are that’s what i always say.

  16. avatar A D says:

    My experience is similar like yours, so thanks for telling your tale. Makes me realize that I wasn’t the only one. Except the girlfriend, or ex now, has friends cyber bullying me. It’s fracking annoying

  17. avatar Summer says:

    .

    I have been the “other woman” twice. Although I was complicit in one occasion, the other I was totally unaware.

    My story:

    The first time I was 18 and had met “R” through an acquaintance. He and I immediately hit it off and began calling and seeing each other when we had time. It hadn’t gotten serious, and I had only been on one real date with him but I liked him. Imagine my surprise when I received a call at work from a girl hysterical. She demanded to know who I was and how I knew “R”. When I calmly told her that SHE CALLED ME, I explained that I had met “R” a few weeks prior and had only really hung out. And that I had ZERO clue that he had a girlfriend, and if I had I would have never gone out with him. She and I met and decided that we actually kind of liked each other and that we were angry at him. So we made a plan to confront him. First separately than together.

    She told him that she had heard he was out with girl and described me. He said he had no idea where this came from and told her not to worry about it. I was a bit more direct; I outright asked him if he had a girlfriend. He told me no, and that they had recently broken up.

    She and I called and compared notes and decided to go to his house together. He answered the door, and was busted. He knew it. He couldn’t lie about it to both of us, in front of us. So I left and he tried to mend things over with her. He asked me to come by a few days later. He said he knew I would never take him back, and apologized. I know that they worked it out for I think a year and then ended up breaking up. The day he apologized was the last time I ever saw him.

    My other story was more complicated.

    I had a friend that I made when I had my first professional job. We were hired at the same time. “M” and I were friends. He was married and 9 years my senior. We remained strictly friends for about three years. When we had our first work trip we spent a lot of time together. I never genuinely thought of him as anything more than a friend. The fact that he was married made me feel safe. I know that sounds strange, but I felt like I didn’t have to worry about him because he was married. Kind of like being friends with a guy that is gay, I never even considered him in that way. I was completely and totally myself when we were together. Never worrying what he thought of me. I think in doing that it made our time very intimate. At the time I was 21 and had never been in a serious relationship, or even in an adult relationship. I didn’t know that certain topics let alone friendships are unacceptable.

    So one night after a few drinks we were out on a walk and he made his move and kissed me. I remember pulling back utterly shocked. I hadn’t seen it coming (again I was 21) he then laid it out that he had all of these feelings for me, and how special he felt I was and that spending time with me was what he looked forward to everyday….everything you see in a stupid romcom. I took some time and within a few days and several talks to say he wore me down and that I was in a stupid cloud of delusion would be putting it mildly. The first time we were intimate was exhilarating. When I found myself alone with just my thoughts, I felt like crap and cried myself to sleep. Our affair continued for the duration of the business trip, and I vowed to him that once we were home it was over. When we returned home, things went back to normal. We went back to our separate departments and didn’t talk too much. Only brief hellos and casual conversation. Than about a month passed and we found ourselves on another business trip together. We went out for drinks and at some point he pulled me close for a kiss. And like an idiot I fell right back into him. Only this time my guilt hit me sooner rather than later. I started crying and telling him that I hated who I was when we were together. And that no matter what he did or what he said…it didn’t change the fact that he was cheating on the woman he claimed to love; be it me or her. That I didn’t want him because I would never ever trust him and that we couldn’t even be friends. Several months later he called me drunk; it was his birthday and wanted to talk. I told him that he needed to lose my number before he did something he regretted. And that was the last time we ever spoke. I saw a few years ago on FB that he is still married to the same woman.

    The point of me sharing this is, I know that in the second situation I was wrong. Not to say that I deserve all of the blame, but I know what I did was wrong. However I am really glad that I had enough sense to walk away before it could have gotten out of hand. What I learned interestingly enough was boundaries. Now that I’m a little older and know a bit more, I would never spend intimate time with someone who is not my significant other (of the opposite sex). It seems like a no brainer, but taking about personal experiences bonds people. And when someone is in a committed relationship those intimate discussion are not meant for other people. It opens the door for a multitude of drama.

  18. avatar KS says:

    Honestly, I have been on the other side. I HAVE been cheated on by my ex of over two years, and left for another girl. Truthfully, the relationship was on its way out but me and my ex were best friends for 7 years before we dated, then we began dating in high school senior year-college years. I consider it that ‘high school/puppy love’ relationship. And also the most painful. I can see why some of you justify your behavior with ‘I want a chance at love, I don’t want to miss out on it’ and honestly, you may be right, that person may just BE your soulmate. But being a part of something so immoral and disrespectful? How can you possibly believe that a healthy stable relationship can be born from those circumstances? You may feel ‘guilty’ but you don’t understand the PAIN from the other side. This is a man who is capable of disrespecting and destroying a relationship. A man who is willing to hurt others and continue to as long as it suits HIM. I don’t give a DAMN if you think you have a connection or if you are in love. HAVE RESPECT AS A WOMAN. If you really think that you and that other person should be together, then you obviously think he’s good enough. If that’s the case then he can respect your decision to HOLD off your infidelity until he ends the other relationship. This includes emotional cheating. How can you possibly justify that behavior? I know what it’s like to lust after someone else’s man and how tempting it is to fall into that trap if they show interest to you. It hypes up your ego makes you feel sexy, desirable. Makes you feel like you are winning and the better end of the deal. But in actuality, a cheater, isn’t even half as good enough for the spouse he is cheating on. and he chose YOU. Think about that. He’s obviously not good enough for a loyal spouse, so he chooses you*. Don’t lower yourself to that level. What real women, with self-respect, dignity, and high self-esteem lowers her standards that far? Get it together. It’s true woman should blame the man as well, but come on, MEN ARE WEAK. They’re infamous for a wandering eye, that’s just MEN. but WOMEN? we are supposed to stick together and respect one another, we hardly ever do. Women cheat to, i’m not disregarding that. But come on. There are no excuses. You were wrong, and you do deserve to suffer for the choices you make in life. You think building a relationship from cheating and betrayal will birth only good in the future, you’re sorely mistaken.

    • avatar Anonymous says:

      bitch ^ dont worry i have been in the same situation as that chick but worse and i am super shy i do regret it but move on an dnt hold grudges

      • avatar Shankar says:

        It really is their bseinuss. At first it looks right to do something about it, but on the whole, it saves trouble all round to leave them to it.On the other hand, you are perfectly entitled to tell your mate you don’t think much of his behaviour and do nothing to help him cover his tracks.

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