Boards
Is he actually really into you? | Source: ShutterStock
Dear Ethan,
How do you know if a guy is dating you because he genuinely likes you or because he is using you to get something he wants?
Just as a guy will give off specific signals that he’s into you, there are also plenty of telltale signs that a dude is only in it for himself. For example:
If the only friend of his you’ve met in three months of dating is his roommate, he might be a player.
If he can’t make plans more than fifteen minutes in advance, he might be a player.
If he breaks out in hives at the mere mention of the word “relationship,” he might be a player.
If he only dials your number when it’s after midnight and he’s on his way home from a party he didn’t invite you to, shouting “I’m makin’ a call…for that booty!” he might be a player.
The bottom line is that anyone you’re dating seriously should be expected to put in as much effort as you. It should never take a guy more than a day to return a text, email, or phone call. He should seem excited about gradually incorporating you into most aspects of his life.
Don't trust those 1 AM text messages | Source: ShutterStock
And sure, he may prefer a game of basketball or Halo with the boys to a night of spooning and watching The Notebook — but he should be willing to make occasional sacrifices if he’s into you for the right reasons. If you’re consistently disappointed by or uncomfortable with the level of interest he’s showing, then he’s obviously not invested in your feelings.
To begin taking a partner for granted a few years into a relationship is a common problem that certainly needs to be addressed, but it’s especially crucial for a man to woo a lady during those first few formative months. An after-dark-only fling is great if both parties are on board. But if your love interest isn’t making time for “date night” at least once a week (1AM trips to IHOP followed by heavy petting don’t count), don’t consider him a serious contender.
Good luck!
Ethan
Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!
Should you worry if he sends you one word texts?
Ethan Fixell is a writer and comedian from New York City best known as one half of comic “dating coach” duo Dave and Ethan. He is also the creator and editor of ActualConversation.com. For more on Ethan, visit EthanFixell.com…or call his mom, Robin.
New Quiz!
Hey so I need some help. I’m 16 and I’ve been in a relationship for 16 months now and it’s a long distance relationship which relies on trust of course. I worked with this really cute guy who didn’t seem to be a player or anything. I knew he had a new girlfriend. He was always friendly to me saying hey and seeing if I was okay….things like that. One weekend, he became extremely close to me. He texted me all throughout our shifts(we worked in a haunted house together) when there weren’t guests coming through. He kept trying to almost get me alone while joking with me and other co workers. On Saturday we hung out before we opened in the back and he was smooth with putting my arms around him and being really sweet. He used a headbutt method to kiss me and we kissed a little until I pulled back saying I had a boyfriend. He replied with no one has to know but us and continued to kiss me. We made out for like a minute and he made a not-so-descreat comment about a boner. Later on I had said about being alone and bored and he was like haha sex on the wall with a winky face. I said I couldn’t have sex with him. Afterwards he completely ignored me and was kind of rude to me at work. Luckily for me the season ended a week later but I keep having flashbacks of what happened and I keep thinking about him. I know hes a player and i got a bad consensus on him afterwards as well. What can I do to stop thinking about him??? Please help!!
why in the hell do guys sit over there thinkn being a player is a goodthing okay so i dated this guy his name is jamie andhe dumped me then i started dateing his cuzin and his cuzin is such a player but jamie is not a player and his cuin name is corbin why d guys do this stuff to girls WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY
Second thoughts…… So my husband has had a girlfriend he texts and i think they see another once in a while last 4 years i sometimes feel alone and long for that romantic feeling act.. So i recently started speaking with an old acquaintance and it has gotten heated we have set a date to meet and spend the day together at a hotel and to see what happens i mostly feel exited but im having second thought i wonder what will he think of me ?….. My body is so not ready to reveal as im over weight i feel very nervous and i wonder what if when we meet he is not attracted to me or viseversa i am afraid of taking the day off work and getting caught i don’t want to be a bootycall i have told him that if its all about sex im out. what are your thoughts oh he will be driving 7 hrs to meet me….
So i got a boyfriend i was happy .I met him at a dance from school. So we dated a week after the dance .He told me how much he loved him and told me i was beautiful.We dated for 2 weeks and then that saturday we were going to go on a date and i asked him if he felt comfortable to go on a date with me he said yea he cant wait.So that friday before saturday he texted me saying on i wanted to tell you this is person i said omg now im scared what is it?He said im sorry but i really used u to get ever my ex im really sorry.I broke down i started to like cry i never even text him back at all then he texted me off said r u ok?? i said am i ok?? he said ya well i told him im not .then he told me im sorry
i said yea sure.soo 2 weeks had passed by and i seen him and he seen me. then we both looked into each others eyes as we were walking to make a turn to go down to the steps .Then a weel later he walks up o me saying im sorry i didnt mean to hurt you i was just feeling like yea ok sure my friend was behind me patting me on the shoulder to give me comfort then he walked to his class.The next day over we talked to each other he told me how sorr he was and he said soo do u want to go back to dating again?? I was like yaa but the point is i just dont want to get hurt he looked awaythen he looked bck at me so i just went to class and so did he well after 6th period came buy e asked me and i was like omg really and i was all happy ad jumpy soo i said yes.We dated like 3 weeks and then this saturday night he ended up breaking up with me saying he just wants to get to know me which we already do know each other alott and i told my friend that was patting me on my back for comfort that one day well i told her and so she actually went on fb and told him off i was really i dont want u to get n it sh said well no one treats my best friend like that i was but she was like hannah shutup im like ok ok.But thats all im saying i just wanted this to get off my chest and al thiss stress away from me and this helped .I know this is alot of words im sorry but its all what happened just i want to get over him and its hard but yaa byee
I like this guy allot, I told him over email that I liked him, But he says He’ll tell me if he’s into me in a few days. Is that a good sign he’s interested or a bad one, In your opinion.
Hi Ethan,
I’ve been dating this guy for about a month and he seems really sweet and caring, but then I overheard him saying on the phone that I am his new ‘gash’. I am so upset about this. What does this mean?
Ive been seeing this guy for bout three months….we did things together but never had we really talked to one another to really get to know each other….but we both felt we were inlove n so we said we loved one another n when he bought a house he asked me to move in wit my kids…..well before the house he always had something to do wit my kids…but when i moved in kids got thrown in back burner and so did i….i live up stairs with my kids and he lives down stairs in the basement….he is always outside wit his friends and has nothing to do wit me until he wants sex…..and today he wanted me to bring him to the bank and to finish a job….then i heard him on phone and i asked i thought i was taking u to the bank and he said oh a friend has to barrow money so hes gonna take me….wich makes no sense when the guy has to back track…..easier if i drove the guy im seeing that way his friend wldnt have to drive the road four times bak home…..also this shannon girl has been textin him bout she has no money…n i asked well what does she want n he says oh shes drunk n callin…..well i checked his phone so thats why i kno what i kno…n here he straight up lies to me…also when i first moved in the first few days i caught him down stairs masturbating to a porn…wich hurt me so bad exspecially knowing i was up stairs n thi
i have two beautiful girls ages 3 and 7 months. i been with my boyfriend since i was 18 got pregnant fast and a family. i love my boy friend however im not in love with hi. We are trying to work out things out. But i meet these really cute guy his a trainer and i figure he always around girls. however i feel for his sweetness and i really like him.
i confess to him my feeling and his reponse was that his not what i think he is. His a player and only want girls for sex. so i ended up telling him it was a joke. I feel so stupid. i don’t have the guts to see h im ever again. or go to the classes of exercise. but i don’t want him to think i stop going bc i have a crush on him. What should i do. ??
So about a month and a half ago this guy came into where i work. He was extremely good looking and has an amazing personality. He came in to see me everyday for a week straight. We sat talking for hours and he seemed to be really into me. The next week was the same way but i could tell he wanted to kiss me really bad. So i left him hangin for a whole week begging. I finally gave in after a week cuz i really wanted to by that time. So we spent the whole third week just hanging out and talkin on the phone. Then he got a call sayin he had to go to work for six weeks. He has texted where he can sayin hi and that he “kinda misses me” (his actual words) with a smiley face. His job might go a little longer but he still tells me he misses me. We both really enjoyed each others company and appreciate each other but i don’t know if this guy is actually serious or if he is worth my time and effort. I’m no good when it comes this kind of stuff when it comes to guys likein me. Please help.
I’m not sure what’s going on I met a guy while away, we live quite far away, so don’t see each other part from trips away we plan together over text he always sorts out where we stay and pays he affectionate and living and the sex is fantastic, but there is no definition on what we are we are planning out 4th trip away. He texts almost every day I think it’s only one day we haven’t but sometimes it’s not as often as I would like. He has spoke about me to friends but haven’t met any yet as he lives with parents and we have nowhere to stay as its early days an I wouldn’t dream of staying at a family home he says he likes me and he is very complimentary but I dot know if he’s using me or wants more
I have been seeing this guy for a while now…we go to the same university. He pretty much has been into me for a year before I did anything with him because we were in the same classes. The first time I decided to hangout with him..he texted me non stop but then I kinda blew him off a couple times when he’d ask me to hangout. Then I finally decided to hangout with him and we we ended up having sex..which clearly made me like him more. I like him but he doesn’t want a relationship right now but likes hanging out with me and then said cant say a relationship wont happen in the future. And when we hangout we actually do stuff not just have sex. Does that mean he’s using me? because he’s really bad with communication like texting alot and its frustrating but i guess i cant get mad because we’re not in a relationship
I’m a teen gamer and a while ago I met a guy while playing (same clan as me) – more or less my age 90% sure of it. Well we chatted a lot and a few weeks later he asked me if I wanted to be his girl friend and hang out on skype, fb, ect. I really like what I’ve figured out about him and it seems like he pays quite a lot attention to me – far more attention than I give him or thought I’d get.
I really don’t know if he’s a predator, just using me cause it’s convenient, ect. We live like a few hundred kilometres from one another so it was the first thing I cleared out that meeting up is out of the question and it was accepted.
Right now I’m rather confused, I just don’t want to end up in a bad situation because of my inexperience with guy’s – this would be my first bf and I’m 16.
Any advice, warnings or anything at all would be appreciated.
The thing with online dating, sometimes you can’t trust it. I’ve been there before, and the only advice i would give is not to fall deep. Don’t fall in love with this guy that you met online, chances are, you’re going to get hurt.
There is this boy, the first day i met him i liked him we got on so well, however he had a girlfriend.. we started hanging out and one night he kissed me, he told his girlfriend about this, they have been going out 7 months she would call me and just talk to me about it and tell me how much she loves him, she wasnt angry with me as she new it was him.
after a few days he broke up with her, and me and him have been so close i went round his the other day and it was perfect.. yet im 13 and his soon to be 16..
sometimes he dont reply straight away, where as i check my phone constantly to see if i have a message from him, and im worried he dont feel the same way. I heard that he made a move on two other girls when he was going out with his ex, and it just makes me think is he a cheat? well yes.. and i dont want that to happen to me, im so confused but its not like i can let him go as i really like him… and i dont know how his girlfriend would take it if we got together, really need some advice!
Just dont even go there… once a cheater always a cheater. no matter what. its gonna be hard, but, you need to just get out of that one ASAP. ive been there and if you dont get out now it will get worse and harder even farther down the road.
Iv been with my “friend” for almost 2 years now we started off as friends with benefits and i want to no if we can ever be more but i dont want to say anything to him bc im scared that would scare him off,
Dnt be scard… just let him go take time to heal and something/someone will come along and be exactly what you want in a bf…. “special friends” will only be just that TRUST me there is no future in this situation get out and get out now it’s not going anywhere and will hurt you more the longer you stay. just an opinion of someone who is in the same situation. and addressed it.
I was soooo worried ‘cos one of my mates suddenly turned into a date and he was well known for being a “player” so I thought he was using me too because a lot of boys at the time asked me out! But after reading that and talking to his friend he is right for me and I’m really looking forward to my first date with him (and first date ever!!!) I was used by a boy to pretend he had a girlfriend already to this other girl to get her to leave him alone but afterwards when I caught him kissing my cousin I just dumped him!:’(
Yeah, I was used by my first “boyfriend.” We dated for 5 months, then he dumped me flat on my face in front of all off my friends for no reason. He said he just thought we should “take a break.” 3 weeks later he texted me, and I almost just deleted the message without reading it. I did open it though, and it was a lengthy message explaining the reason he dumped me. The reason was….. *Drum roll, please!* HE IS GAY! He said he dated me the whole time because he wasn’t ready to come out yet, and he needed a cover-up. He actually told me this!!! So, I was used as a guy’s “beard.” Fun, right? Well, no matter now because I am in a relationship with a great guy who really does love me, and 8 days from now is our 1 year anniversary. Yay!
Wow, pretty crazy! At least you got a funny story out of it, right? I’m glad to hear you’ve more recently found a dude who’s actually right for you. Congrats!
-Ethan
Aw I’m soo happy that you found mr right!!Lols bout d udder Gil:P
What iv’e been in relationships but iv’e stayed friends with them and some people thing its wrong to do that but one of my ex’s have asked me back out but he had finished me for a different girl but now i don’t know what to do if i should say yes or no … plus iv’e never thought positive of my self i call my self ugly and fat but everyone tells me different which makes me happy but then again i still say it i think every lad deserves better i don’t know why please give me a few idea’s on what to do and help please <3
I have been in the same spot twice before and I said yes the first time and no the second time because if that guy has done it to u before what makes him not do it again so say no unless he really is gonna change because I. Am sorry to say this whoever that girl is he is going to think she is better than u !
Dear Ethan,
I have never been in a real relationship, almost 17 now, and my friends tell me in beautiful all the time. i mean i try to give these guys i see a come hither look, but every guy friend i make just wants to be friends, how can i go out there and really show myself off? i’m overweight so I’m a little self conscious about my weight, trying to lose it so i could probably meet some guys, or even one. What should I do in my situation?
Good question, Kristin — thanks for writing in! I’d love to answer, but my response is kind of long for this comment page. Submit your question to askaguy@gurl.com and I’ll try to answer it in an upcoming post!
Thanks again,
-Ethan
I dunno bc my boyfriend loves me &we’ve been off &on for 2yrs now and we’re able to work things out pretty well but recently we’ve discovered “sexy times” &it seems thts all we do now.dnt get me wrong Im all for it but I dnt want tht to be the only thing we do. We haven’t been on an actual date(ex. Dinner date, anything tht doesn’t end in “sexy time”) in awhile now &ive told him all this &he tells me tht nothing has changed and tht doing all this is bringing us closer than ever. Idk any advice please?
So my boyfriend just broke up with me because he started working a ton and didn’t have a lot of time to see me. We only saw each other once a week. The only thing is most of the time when we hung out we only had “sexy time” and that’s all that happened. I mentioned it to him but he said he didn’t think out relationship was turning into f buddies. Anyways idk if he was only using me because some of my friends and my mom thought he was.
Y U DO THIS TO US PLAYERS