Trust Me: Snooping Through Your Boyfriend’s Phone Is A Bad Idea

looking at boyfriends phone

Don’t do it!! | Source: ShutterStock

Put yourself in this scenario: your boyfriend leaves you alone in his room while he takes a shower. You’re sitting there doing nothing until you notice it: his cell phone. It’s just sitting there, innocently (but kind of staring at you at the same time), right next to you. And he’s in the shower, so there’s no chance he’ll walk in. And you were wondering who he was texting before. Oh, and look at that… there’s no password lock. So, what do you do?

Rewind back a few years, and I was in that exact situation… and I made a choice that I totally and completely regret now. I grabbed his phone as fast as I could to start reading every text message and to look at every incoming/outgoing call before he walked back in the door. I’m really not proud to admit it, but it’s true: I used to be a total snooper. When I was dating my first boyfriend, I was really self-conscious and jealous, and convinced that he was cheating on me, no matter what he did to prove his devotion. I thought looking at his things would help me trust him more, and instead, it only made things worse.

While my snooping started off innocently enough, it escalated pretty quickly. The very first time I looked at my BF’s phone, I didn’t find anything suspicious, which made me feel a lot better – until I started feeling horribly guilty. I swore to myself that I would never do it again, but a few weeks later, I did. Once I realized that I could probably look through his phone whenever I wanted without him realizing it, I felt powerful in a very weird way. From then on, I started snooping on a regular basis.

This is what it usually leads to… | Source: ShutterStock

I became obsessed with going through my boyfriend’s private things, and for the first few years, I never admitted it to him. The whole time, I was so worried about him being dishonest with me and meanwhile, I was the one being dishonest with him.

Everything was (relatively) fine… until I got caught. What I didn’t realize during all of my snooping was that once I found something weird in his phone, I would have to admit what I had done in order to talk to him about it. One day, I found texts from his ex-girlfriend. They were really innocent, but it didn’t matter: I had finally found something. In that moment, I wasn’t thinking clearly. I was furious and immediately confronted him.

I’ll never forget that conversation. When I asked why he was still talking to his ex, my boyfriend stared at me, confused. “How do you know that?” he asked. I started blushing like crazy and tried to make something up, but the damage was done. He looked at me in shock and said, “Jess, did you go through my phone?” He was mad, but what really got me was that he was super hurt and disappointed. He explained that he thought he could trust me enough to leave me alone in a room with his phone – and he thought that I trusted him enough not to go behind his back and check up on him.

Young Couple Talking

If you think something’s going on, talk about it instead. | Source: ShutterStock

Despite our huge fight that day, I kept going through his phone, and we kept fighting about it. When he put a password on his cell, I thought it was shady and we fought about it. When he eventually gave in and let me look through his phone, I demanded to know the reason behind every text. And when he started looking through my phone, it only led to more fights. Towards the end of our relationship, neither of us trusted each other at all – and it was a huge reason why we broke up.

Here’s the thing about snooping: it is way too easy to misunderstand what’s going on. I can’t tell you the amount of fights me and my BF got in over a text that meant the complete opposite of what I thought. Also? No matter what your boyfriend might have done wrong, he still has the right to get mad at you for going through his phone. Looking at your boyfriend’s private things is just a fight waiting to happen.

When I broke up with that boyfriend, I promised myself I would never look through a future BF’s phone again. Now, when I feel like something shady is happening, I talk to my guy about it. I don’t go behind his back and look at his phone. There are much better ways to learn to trust someone, and snooping is definitely not one of them. I just wish I realized that a few years ago.

Do you snoop through your boyfriend’s phone? Have you ever? Would you? Do you think it’s okay? Tell us in the comments.

 

Here’s how to stop logging onto your BF’s Facebook


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124 Comments

  1. avatarpretty ampz says:

    I dont usually snoop on someone’s else’s phone specially my boyfriend but whenever I ask to borrow his phone he acts so weird and demands why? so I got suspicious.. I started snooping through his phone and found out hes in a dating sites and text a lot of women and asking them to meet up. of course I ended our relationship right away. it seems like hes not satisfied with me nor happy with me so why stick around?

  2. avatarLyka says:

    Me and my boyfriend was already in relationship for 1 year and 3 months. But soon I found out that he had an ex who got pregnant but they decided to abort the baby. I felt so bd at that time when i know about this matter. And we had an arguments about that matter. He said he was not inloved with that woman and never met her family. Months later, when he was not around i snooped on his computer and i found some pictures with her ex kissing each other, of course i got angry and we almost argue and shouting each other. He got angry as he said im invading his privacy and digging and digging about his passed. And later apologized but i told him I dont want to see anymore pictures from his ex. But few months later i found out again on his computer pictures with his ex kissing each other and pictures together with his ex sister. I was pissed off because he told me before he never met the members of his ex family. But i saw the evidenced in front of my eyes that he did. And that was a big argument again.
    For me, the trust already broken And I admit I never fully trust him as that is already broken. Even though My BF is nice but he hurts me anyway.

  3. avatarlibragirl says:

    well my boyfriend and his ex wife see each other daily because their have 3 daughters and he told me he dont want her intimate anymore but i dont belive him because he always keep his phone in his pocket , when ever he want to talk to his kids he go away 40fts away from me so i cnt hear anything . now he give me reason to snooping in this phone and im very happy i did that know he is begging his wife to take him back , i felt bad because i felt im taking his n hid kids happiness away .. i give up the realtionship so fast for his kids happiness another things he was also sleeping with hookers in his car and pay them for sex im very happy i red his text msg and email

  4. avatarJessie says:

    If you have nothing to hide you won’t hide it. If you are feeling insecure or feel like he’s messing around on you, talk to him about it. Tell him how you’re feeling and ask if you can see his phone. If he says no….then you have reason to snoop. I agree that snooping is an invasion of privacy, but when you are with someone you should be completely open and honest with them. My boyfriend used to be super secretive with his phone. I snooped and found a LOT of texts from random girls that didn’t know he was in a relationship and naked pictures from them. I confronted him about it and told him that it was not acceptable behaviour. He apologized and said he would stop talking to them. I no longer snoop in his phone. I ask him if I can see it and he hands it over and I unlock it (yes he locks it but I know the password) and go through it. If he wanted to look at my phone or facebook or email he would be welcome to as well. Communication, transparency and trust.

  5. avatarjulie says:

    Lets see another perspective before everybody is sold with new modern living/dating ideas.
    It is not snooping when u r investigating someones actions. U collect information in life to make decisions. If an individual is concerned about betrayal and other things it is important to collect information before you make any decisions. do u need to see an act of intimacy between two people to be sure? do u have to have aids to know what it does to u? If u have an inclination to those things(think someone is connecting with someone else in no matter what fashion) it is important that u seek the information. It helps good, wounded, and even bitter people. You already have some information that lead u to the phone. Instinct is your best friend!!!!!There is no room for 3 or more in a relationship. Whether the 3rd person is a picture or an old friend, a new and exciting friend, or even as small flirty hello to another man or woman.This breeds jealousy, betrayal. That energy belong to u. Not someone else. That is why u r dating right? Isn’t that why u married to give each other the best of yourselves and take care of the needs of each other. 2014 tells us that we are to be individuals and have different interests and seek out fullfilling them however u need it. please. The intimate part however you do via words love….belongs to u and only u. No one else. Don’t bend your instinct cause the world says its ok. Do what we want not concerned about the other party we are courting for marriage. There is no room for 3. Don’t make any hasty decisions regarding any form of a betrayal. It doesn’t even have to be cheating. Really …. what defines it? pictures, people, thoughts, …. all of it does.
    When u date someone it is to see the compatibility factor for your potential life together. Modern society advocates try everything before u commit. Not good thinking.
    it is supposed to be an exciting time with a few hurdles and bumps. Totally normal.
    HOWEVER………people are selfish and stubborn. They look for their own interests, the count, and hold grudge. They have no education on love only bad past experiences that u may pay the penalty for. Then when r caught…..they manipulate this whole crap of “not trusting, invading someones privacy” BS. U give your privates to someone and heart and u think checking the phone or computer is “invading their privacy”??Please listen to yourselves…..my boyfriends phone should never be an issue. It is only an issue with people when someone is caught or scared they could have been. What the big deal if i ask who that girl is on face book that i have never met. If he or she is keeping up regularly with whats going on in their life… they must be important. No?? so what if i ask. Don’t assume that people will do the right thing. People call that trust. Sorry…..that is only your perspective. U have to give a little trust at first as to what people say and do and go from there. If u r already on the phone searching or computer…..u know something! We all could have good intentions but world temptation is very powerful. Try to hear what their moral compass is first. Watch hear and determine if u deserve more. u will feel it when u do and the feeling of frustration humiliation anger will come out. Then try and remember that person u liked a lot( in a past experience) and how they made u feel strong and secure and loved. This is a time u can compare openly for your own decisions in your future.
    If u have enough information to end a relationship due to any form of betrayal u need to use this information to help u. Not hurt u.
    If u know the roof could come crashing down due to a vulnerability in the foundation, would u not vacate the house? or at least secure it till u fix it?
    well, a relationship is the same. If there are reasons(temptations) that could crash your love or honesty, don’t u think u should fix it? Don’t think u need to stop those things that could cause a whole in the roof?
    people can change….especially for love. If u think u r stronger than the next person…ask them. They will tell u the truth. we are all victims of some kind to our thinking and temptations. A person who is true will do their best to avoid these things.

    There are 6,000,000,000 people compatible, kind, loyal with love, etc…. don’t settle for the thinking of the world. it is going nowhere but to divorce court. U should feel a great bond and love and have no interests in mentally sexually physically connecting with any one else. This is a deal breaker. Any partner can be nice and respectful of others without anything else. This never hurts a woman or a man. But if u easily give away your attentions to someone else you open the door of temptation. Now here is where mankind can falter. Temptation of any kind can breed desire. People have to know that u continually keep guarding yourselves from these things. Life is a temptation all the time. u have to verbally reject this from your life. period. hard to take right…cause we all what to have instant gratification all the time. Feel good by any means. This is a little selfish when in a relationship. It wont work with one partner feeling betrayed..by any means. u know u can betray a woman who loves u by checking out another in front of her. Observations of beauty are always shared among a couple …. even if the woman u guys see together on the street is beautiful. But that “other checking out style” can plant a seed that will stay for ever. Is it worth it considering u may never see them again. Or even worse the guy that works at the local bar…hot….boyfriend hate u staring. a woman only looks at a man long when she has a desire. Our privates don’t respond like men’s do.

    So..go ahead snoop away. give up your phone to your partner if they want…What do u have to HIDE????

  6. avatarVanessa says:

    To be honest I have a huge snooping problem and it’s because every time I feel this thing inside me that makes me want to search his phone I find something! I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year now & it’s been hard to trust him, we broke up once cuz he was txting girls & had pix of them which he stupidly didn’t delete! I just feel like he gives me reasons to look thru his phone! Which is super hard now cuz he put a password that I can’t know! But I told him that even if he puts a password sooner or later the truth will come out!!

  7. avatarShelly says:

    My boyfriend gave me his phone to make a call. He was upstairs when I hung up from my call so I decided to do a little snooping. I read through his texts and found out he hooked up with some girl a few years ago when were on a break. I guess she recently moved back to town and he ran into her somewhere lately. He was nervous I might find out about his fling because he lied to me and said he wasn’t with anyone. I am so sick. I feel like I just caught him cheating even though this was from a few years ago. He was mad about me looking through his things and said he didn’t want to hurt me. I don’t know what’s worse knowing or not knowing and being lied to…. I want to forgive him, but I feel really betrayed. Help!

  8. avatarextra says:

    I snoop through my boyfriends phone because he talks to his ex on a daily basis. Well he started deleting everything between them and I started to get more worried. Turns out I was right he’s been texting his ex girlfriend who cheated on him with another man. He’s been wanting to get back with her since the first day I said I’d be his girlfriend. He tells her I’m physco and that I’m pathetic. ..he pretty much talks bad about me to his girlfriend. He’s been leading me on from day one. I knew he was cheating on me with his whore of an ex. But whatever because real men can’t be stolen. BTW I’m pregnant with his child and he’s doing this to me.

  9. avatarJane says:

    Just looked at my boyfriends phone an sure wish I didn’t, yet glad I did! Saturday night he told me he was going out with the guys, I was happy for him an sat home alone. He told me what a great time he and his friends had, told me how his one friend stayed over instead of driving home, told me what great laughs they had. Yet somehow the next day I felt something strange about things and asked him if he had anything to tell me, asked if he hooked up with someone that night, He said no I cant believe you don’t trust me my last relationship was like this an it ended. Well guess what…….his phone told me he didn’t go out with friends at all, but had a wild sex filled evening with his ex wife. I am so hurt by the lie, I hate lying! Yet feel bad because I snooped on his phone which I told him because I hate lying. Oh what do I do?

  10. avatarKatie says:

    Last year when my boyfriend and I started dating I snooped through his phone and found a girl had sent him a naked picture of herself and I confronted him about it. He told me he wouldn’t talk to her anymore, he promptly deleted her and he hadn’t spoken to her in a year. So lately I’ve been having this funny feeling and I saw she messaged him again and he was talking to her again, after I had told him I didn’t want him to and it’s been a year she’s just now noticing they aren’t friends anymore. I love him so much but I don’t know what to do and i don’t know how to confront him because I don’t want him to know I was snooping.

  11. avatarDaniel says:

    I think if they trust you they should understand that snooping is a natural instinct. You cant always get honest answers from people. I snooped in my bfs phone when i smelled some bullshit he was trying to sell me and found out he had lied to me and was telling an ex that he and i were talking but it was complicated when we had been dating a while and he hadnt told me it was complicated.. I confronted him about it right then and did not try to justify looking through his phone. If you find some shady shit in there then it’s automatically justified if you are being lied to. You have a right to snoop if u feel insecure. There shouldnt be so much privacy in a relationship. There shouldnt be much at all. And if ur shady abt ur phone and tilt the screen away when i look over at u then u r asking dor me to snoop later. Period.

  12. avatarSusy says:

    Yes I have snooped and chech my boyfriend’s phone and found that during our two year relationship he was having sex with 28 other women. He used his business to be able to come and go without question coming from me. I would not have known who he really was if I had not checkout his phone. I am glad I did.

  13. avatarKatherine says:

    I never used to check any of my bf phones even after one cheated on me. Until one day I saw a txt preview on my last bf phone from a girl. It turns out he has been cheating on me with several other girls. I learned it the ugly way when 2 of them contacted me. It was then that I understood why he had a password. Coz if he had nothing to hide he would leave his phone unlocked. My other previous bf never locked their phones and I never bothered to check. Now my current bf has paassword too and I managed to crack it. So I’ve been checking his phone from time to time. Of course I am not proud of it but I felt the need to be sure nothing is happening behind my back. I do it less and less often nowsaf y because I have startedto trust him. But still, I would never trust a man 100% anymore.

  14. avatarKristina says:

    Ok so here it is, about 3 months ago my boyfriend and wemt to bed and the next morning i woke up suuuuuuper early to use the bathroom. While i got up to go to the bathroom i saw his phone sitting on the bedside table (he is really protective of his ohone, never leaves it with me while he goes to a different room, i cant touch it). I had this really bad gut feeling that i have never had before about checking his phone so i had like an inner war about if i should look or not and i decided to because i just couldnt shake the feeling i had in my stomach. Mind you this is the first time i have ever looked through his phone, i felt bad. But when i turned it on there was a text from his ex who he was woth for 4 years before me say “i know your lying about not being with this girl, just be honest at least you are giving me something to work with. You say you want to get your family get back together but your lying isnt helping anything”. So i got pissed and messaged his 3x on fb and just asked her what was going on between them just to find out he had been lying to her about being together with me, WE LIVE TOGETHER (never met his ex aka baby mama). And that he was trying to get her back. I confronted him about it and he called me names and we broke up for a few days he was crying saying i was the love of his life and that he was feeling insecure because of how much attention i get from other guys and thinks ill find someone better. Basically did it to cover his ass. We got back together and he was still closed off about his phone and now i hate when they talk. I have never been untrusting which sucks now. But about a month and a half ago pretty much the same thing happened. He was saying things to her he shouldnt have been. Got into a fight but didnt break up. Now i always want to look through his phone ): i found a few naked pictures of different girls that he said were from forever ago in his pictures too. I love the guy, but am dying to trust him again

  15. avatarNicole says:

    Today my boyfriend had a tennis match. He left his phone with his dad but his dad had to leave early and asked me to put his phone in his car. While I was taking his phone to his car, I noticed a text from a girl that I dislike VERY much saying “we should hang out” immediately I got worried and super curious. I unlocked his phone and read the message. There weren’t any messages before that though. So, I decided to scroll down and look more. I saw messages from a strange # concerning me. Of course I read them and tried to see who the # was. But as soon as I grabbed my phone to see who the # was, he walked up right behind me. Now, my boyfriend says I’m “invading his privacy” and that “I don’t trust him” shouldn’t I have the right to look at his phone if I please?

    • avatarSam says:

      Fuck no you psychopathic bitch! There’s a reason it’s called HIS phone. Why do you think that it’s your ‘right’ to invade his privacy ‘whenever you please’? First of all, that’s controlling, and no man likes a controlling woman. Second, by snooping through his phone, your not respecting him as a human being. Just because you’re in a relationship with him doesn’t mean you can treat him differently in terms of privacy. Would you snoop through your bosses or a random friends phone? How would you react if he went through your phone? If there’s one thing that ALL of you bitches should’ve learned from this article, it’s that you should ask them about whatever it is that’s concerning you, regardless of if they’re being faithful or not. If you get hurt, you get hurt. Fucking grow up and deal with it. Life is full of pain, and if you spend it trying to avoid pain, that in itself is a form of pain, because you’re not letting yourself relax and enjoy life. Just respect your bf like you would your gal-pal.

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