So, I have a problem. I can’t stop checking my boyfriends Facebook. I log in to his account and see if he has anything new and I hate it. I hate that I do it but the urge is there and I can’t stop it. We’ve been going out for about 3 years now, and months ago he flirted with other girls, hung out with them, and almost cheated on me twice. It broke my heart, I was so devastated. He promised me he would never do it again and that he was sorry and he didn’t want to lose me.
He hasn’t done anything like that since and I’m glad, but I can’t seem to get it out of my head. I just want to be able to trust him and I don’t want to look at his stuff anymore. He doesn’t even use his Facebook, he goes on about once a week for a few seconds and then signs off. I feel bad about logging on and I want to not want to. Please help?
Okay, girl, here’s the thing: I can understand your situation and why you want to keep tabs on your boyfriend’s Facebook. But, as you already know, you need to stop doing it. It’s not going to make you feel any better – actually, it sounds like doing it is hurting you. And it’s definitely not going to help you learn to trust your boyfriend. If you want to have a healthy relationship with this dude, then you need to log off of his Facebook, once and for all.
Looking at your BF’s Facebook page every day is totally fine – normal, even. But logging into your boyfriend’s Facebook page and stalking it on a regular basis? Not totally fine. What starts out as a once-in-a-while thing inevitably turns into sort of an obsession (sounds like that happened to you). Even when you don’t want to log on, you feel like you have to, because you do it so often. Although you might feel like checking up on him this way will help you trust him, it’s going to do just the opposite. It will start to make you even more paranoid. It’s SO easy to misread things online. Little things you see that are probably harmless are going to look ten times worse when you don’t know the actual story behind them.
Besides the fact that this is harmful to your own mental health, it’s simply not a nice thing to do to your boyfriend. If he doesn’t know you’ve been checking his Facebook, I’m sure he won’t be too happy if he finds out. How would you feel if he was snooping through your Facebook everyday? It’s an invasion of his privacy – it doesn’t matter how long you two have been dating, that still doesn’t give you the right to go through his things whenever you want.
And if he knows you have his password, then consider this: he knows you can see things he does on FB. That means if he’s going to do something shady, he knows better than to do it on that website. I’m not trying to make you more paranoid or worried, because I have no idea if he’s doing that or not, but it’s definitely something you should realize.
Trusting someone who has betrayed you in the past is super hard. But snooping around and going through his things isn’t the answer on how to gain it back (for more advice on trust, read my advice here). You’re really the only one who can make yourself stop going on his Facebook. The next time you have the urge to do it, get yourself away from the computer immediately. Think about all the times you logged on and found nothing and ask yourself if it’s really worth it. Start by only allowing yourself to log on once a week, or twice a week. After a while, go down to even less than that. And if you really can’t do it on your own, confess to your BF. Tell him to change his password so that you have no choice but to stop.
If you honestly don’t trust your BF enough to stop stalking his Facebook, then you need to talk to him about it. I know that whatever he did in the past hurt you – but if you want to stay with him, you need to learn to move on and truly forgive him. What you’re doing now isn’t fair to either of you.
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