OMG. The fire alarm?! | Source: Shutterstock

I’d done a large variety of sexy time stuff, just not actual penis-and-vagina intercourse, by the time I was 22–so you’d think that Doing The Deed would be totally no big deal, only…it was. I was convinced that if I so much as slightly regretted my first time, I’d hate sex forever. So, I debated, worried, doubted, and put off my first time at sex, because I wanted to feel 100 percent convinced that I’d feel safe and happy when it finally happened (a decision I don’t regret). It wasn’t until after I’d broken up with a boyfriend that I realized he was the onewho would have been perfect for the job. I told him this, and he replied, “Too bad, too late now.”

A couple days later he called and said if I still felt that way, he could, you know, maybe help out. What can I say, I have good friends. I laughed and thanked him for the offer.

And then a week later, he came over. I was making dinner and put some homemade soup on the stove, but then we went in my room and got…distracted. I decided it was time to finally have penis-vagina sex. My friend asked me if I was sure a bunch of times, I said I was, and it was game on.

Both of us generally thought sex and genitals were funny, but this was a whole different level. I was uncomfortable. We put a pillow under my hips. We had to change positions, my buddy lost his erection. We sat and tried coaxing his penis back up. He regained his erection, so we had to change the condom and try all over again. And then?

It could have looked like this! | Source: Shutterstock

THE SMOKE ALARM WENT OFF IN THE KITCHEN. I uttered a few swear words and said we needed to go check it immediately. “Now?” asked my partner. The kitchen might be on fire, of course NOW!!! We ran naked out of my bedroom, where the kitchen was now smoky and smelled awful. I got lucky in that there wasn’t actually a fire, but there was a thick layer of blackened peas now permanently affixed to the bottom of my favorite pot and a bunch of gross-smelling smoke. We opened the windows and turned on the fans, and the alarm stopped. Dinner’s wrecked, so nothing to do now except go back to sex, right?

More coaxing an erection back to life, me being in pain, mood totally lost, apartment smelled terrible (and for the next few days, too). We gave up, got dressed…and picked up pizza. Hey, we still needed dinner, right?

I promise you I have been very attentive when cooking soup ever since.

Are you nervous about your first time at sex? Was your first time as crazy as mine? Tell me all about it in the comments!

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