“When you give a guy a handjob, you want to grip it as hard as you can because guys have really strong hands and that’s how they do it when they’re alone.” This was the first advice on going down on a guy—the horrible advice–my high school BFF gave me when we were 17.

My other bestie told me that when it came to blow jobs, you should fill your mouth with as much water as possible before heading south of the border.

“But . . . wouldn’t you, like, spit water all over them?” I asked. Even though I’d only kissed boys before, this seemed really, really wrong.

“Yeah duh,” she said, “they like that.”

Um no. They don’t.

So, I did the only logical thing—I turned to a guy for advice. My best guy pal was your quintessential horny teen boy, and was more than happy to give me tips on oral sex.

But he didn’t want to tell me . . . he wanted to show me. And I ain’t talkin’ about on a banana, neither. My dude friend proposed that he and I become friends with benefits, but in a very educational way. I’d go down on him, and he would give me tips and notes. Then, he would reciprocate, and vice versa.

Truthfully, I’d had a massive crush on him forever, but had realized that he was never boyfriend material. This seemed like a good compromise. Besides, why fumble through countless awkward hookups when someone could teach you once and for all?

My mistake, of course, was assuming that hooking up with him wouldn’t be awkward. Since we couldn’t exactly get it on with parents in the house, we took refuge in his mom’s Mercedes SUV (omg so small and uncomfortable) and I got down to business. He had given me some pre-action tips like, “pull your lips over your teeth so you don’t scratch Mr. Wiggly” and “keep it as wet as possible.” Well, I tried.

I remember being shocked at how it tasted—normal. Like your finger. I don’t know why but I always assumed a penis would be flavored. Once I got passed that great shock, I realized that the word “job” is in the title of this activity for a reason. It’s a lot of work! Coordinating your hand with your mouth with your teeth with your other hand, all while wedged inside a compact luxury SUV. Thankfully, as a 17-year-old boy he didn’t take long to finish–but that’s where things went wrong.

I don’t know what I was expecting, but there was a lot more, you know, than my mouth was prepared to hold. I panicked, I didn’t know whether I should spit or swallow and then the most horrible thing ever happened: I coughed. And “it” went EVERYWHERE, spewing into the air and all over Zack’s mom’s leather upholstery. He burst out laughing but I wanted to crawl into the glove compartment and die.

And that’s the story of my first time going down on a guy–and how I got the nickname “Fountain.”

So if you’re worried about your first time being perfect, just know from a girl who has been there that well, it probably won’t be. But that’s okay–you’re normal, and anyone you hook up with (when you decide to!) is lucky–even if it is a little awkward!

Are you nervous about getting physical for the first time? Do you have a funny story about a first hookup? Tell us in the comments!

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