Ask A Guy: How Can I Get My BF To Spend More Time With Me Without Looking Needy?

Spend More Time With My Boyfriend

How can you get him to put away the video games sometimes? | Source:

Dear Ethan,

I’ll cut to the chase: I want my boyfriend to spend more time with me, and to think of me more. I know he loves me and he wants me to be happy. But how can I talk to him about my needs/wants without pushing him away for being so needy??

Men and women have enough biological dissimilarities that we can often be on different pages when it comes to relationship priorities. But before reading him your demands like a terrorist kidnapper from a ’90s action movie, first try planning some fun “out-of-the-box” dates which you’ll both enjoy. For example, instead of forcing him to see Mirror Mirror, or succumbing to his pleas to watch Act of Valor for the third time, choose a film that will appeal to both of you (The Hunger Games, anyone?). Buy a Groupon for a couples massage — or a dessert cooking class! By participating together in activities which excite you both, you’ll bond naturally and more frequently with your boyfriend.

Once you’ve put together a few super-fun date nights, ideally he’ll reciprocate with a few of his own. But if he’s slow to pick up on cues, remind him of how awesome it was when he surprised you with those LMFAO tickets when you first started going out. Using positive reinforcement as much as possible will encourage him to pull his weight without you feeling like you’re nagging him.

If he’s still not getting the message after you’ve shaken things up, it’s time for an open conversation. Explain to him as honestly and as evenly as possible that you need more of a commitment. Don’t attack him! Frame your intentions as an attempt to better your connection as a whole.

Finally, because males are so driven by sex—especially when we’re at our most virile as young adults—I suggest you have said conversation before getting frisky for the night. It’s amazing what women can get us dudes to do when we’re in between fixes of a physical relationship.

Ultimately, no matter when or how you break the news to him, if he’s too selfish to continually work on things with you, then unfortunately, he wasn’t worth dating in the first place. Always remember that finding someone who is open to listening to your needs as the relationship evolves is just as important as finding someone who is able to meet them to begin with.

Good luck!

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at!

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  • Cathy Drechsler

    Hi i have a boyfriend we both are 37 both work m-f no kids live 10 minutes away from each other. After a 1y and 6mths relationship i been wanting more time with him we see each other 3 nights a week. So with the upcoming Columbus day holiday i won’t see my boyfriend as Saturday night and Sunday are the days we spend together, so I suggested that maybe when I get back i could see him maybe on a Tuesday night or Maybe Wednesday night and then i see him on Thursday but my thinking is if i wait until Thursday without seeing him it will be a long time and I miss him. But his reaction was not what I expected or maybe i just ask too much, so he had a fit, and basically felt like I think he does not do enough for me i was not implying that I simply told him I would be missing him. We have talked about this topic before and he does fly off the handle. I am trying to figure out if it was a unreasonable request like i feel bad that I asked and I simply asked for an extra night in addition to what nights we already see each on. Am I wrong? Advice ? Help?

  • An

    Same problem here. How ever mine has a mix of long distance in it. We dated a year before he left for college 2 hours away. Just long enough that I can’t visit till I get my pay check every other week. I noticed my boyfriend seems bored with me. I do new things, just got back from a spontaneous vacation, and yet he’s not responsive. It can be a relationship killer for women who need communication in a relationship. I’ve notice some guys just aren’t ready. I’m ready for marriage, he’s not, so I have one of two choices. Stay with him and be a little distant for how ever long it takes “maybe years” for him to be ready to settle down, or break up. I can’t change him. If I push marriage on him it will be even worse than breaking up because he’ll resent me for it and see me as needy. So I’m stuck in limbo wondering how long I can hold out. I know he believes I’ll always stay with him, but unfortunately he’s the kind of man that needs to be shown he can’t take people for granted. I have to stand up to him to show him I can’t be pushed over. I remember how happy I was single and hold on to that thought, I love being in a relationship and the thought of a break up is scary, but again I remember being single and know that if I don’t get the respect I deserve and want then I’ll leave him, no matter how painful that is. Hopefully this is helpful to some one else.

  • Jeff

    Here’s an interesting fact about intensive gaming. When a player is really into a game that takes a lot of their attention, it actually works as a stress on his nervous system. When we see all of these violent and intense images, our brain response, just as if we were in this situation. In a sense, we’re tricking the brain into responding like this.

    When the brain experiences a stress, it response through something called the HPA axis. The only thing you need to know about the HPA axis is that is releases something called Cortisol, which has such functions as increasing available energy, suppressing the immune system, improving memory, and decreasing sexual drive, because the thought is that if you’re in a stressful environment, the last thought on your mind should be to reproduce in that environment.

    So, if you’re looking for a biological explanation, that’s it. So, if you want to get your boyfriend to spend more time with you, try thinking of ways to reduce that stress. Shoulder rubs, calming teas, and all of those standard remedies should help to bring him further out of the game.

    Of course, you could just try to play the game with him. You’d be guaranteed to spend gratuitously larger amounts of time with him, he’ll definitely love you even more, and who knows, you might even have fun in the process!

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