Debate Club: Is It Ever Okay To Date Your Friend’s Ex?

Dan, Blair and Serena on Gossip Girl

Serena would flip if Dan and Blair dated.

Okay, so imagine your BFF just got out of a relationship with a super hot, great guy. It’s been a few months, and suddenly he’s flirting with… you. You’ve always had a little crush on him, ever since before they started dating, and now it looks like your chance to actually date him. Do you go for it, even though your friend was with him first?

Dating your friend’s ex can be a really, really bad situation. But some girls do it… and some girls are even okay with it. What do you think? Does it depend on who broke up with who? Would you do it? Would you like if your friend did it to you? Read what the editors of think, and then tell us your opinion.


Friends: Girl Code

Girl Code - friends are more important! | Source:

Jessica Says: NEVER – It’s Called Girl Code
I would never date one of my friend’s exes, and I hope that they know better than to never date mine. No matter who dumped who, it’s a sensitive situation… and your friend is definitely going to be uncomfortable (if not furious) about seeing you with her ex. It’s just awkward, not to mention mean! Trust me, dating the guy your best friend just dated is going to ruin your friendship, or at least put a serious strain on it. It’s just not worth it.


Group Of Guys

There are plenty of dudes out there | Source:

Emerald Says: There Are Plenty Of Other Guys Out There
Why on Earth would you date your friend’s ex? Is nothing sacred or off limits in 2012? Not only is it unethical (certainly not the same as, like, eating cute kitties for breakfast, but definitely on the list of unethical things), it’s also kind of icky. Is your friend’s ex the last man on Earth? Is there no one else you know? If you’re willing to date your friend’s ex, then you’re probably not really friend’s with this “friend” of yours. You wouldn’t date your friend’s dad? (Or maybe you would!) Some things are just common courtesy and a gesture of respect. No matter how much you like your friend’s Ex, you can always find someone else you like just as much – after all they broke up for a reason.


Guy Crying and Sad

Guys get hung up on exes too. | Source:

Melanie Says: No, But Because Of Him, Not Her
A few years ago, a good friend of mine actually set me up with a guy friend of hers who she used to date. She not only said it was okay, she was the one who made it happen! But the more I hung out with him, the more I realized he kept asking me about her, asking if cool things I did were her idea, what she was up to. I was upset about his apparent hang up until I realized that this super cute guy had more issues than a subscription to Mad magazine. People think it’s always the friend who will wig out if you date her ex, but sometimes it’s the ex himself!


Dating Friend's Ex

Things might get awkward | Source:

Julie Says: If She Says It’s Okay… Maybe
If you talk to your friend and she’s really ok with you double dipping in her dating pool, then I say it’s fine. One warning though: Sometimes people can’t anticipate their emotions. Even if your friend thinks she’ll be fine with the date recycle, once the plan is in action, she might react in a bigger way than she thought she would. So, if after date two, you sense your bud isn’t cool with the situation, even though she said she would be, you’ve got to talk to her and figure out what makes the most sense for your friendship. And that might be aborting mission.
Who do you agree with? Would you date your friends ex? Have you ever? Tell us in the comments.


Should you date someone you work with? Join the debate.

Posted in: Discuss, Health, Sex & Relationships, Hooking Up, Love&Sex, Relationships
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  • Frankie Lee

    He liked me for 5 years but i went away. When I came back he was dating another girl whom I became friends with quickly. They broke up and she is devastated. A month later he tells me he likes me and has for a while, but she still claims to love him. I realise I have liked him for a bit as well, longer then I’ve known her. He has asked me out and I don’t know what to do…. Help please!

  • Jo

    Guys really I just really like this guy he’s so funny, cute, sweet, social, tall, God loving, he’s amazing, there’s only one problem. well actually 2. So he used to date my best friend and they just now became friends again but he’s her only ex boyfriend. Also, he has a brother that’s my age that really likes me but i don’t like him. he’s different from his brother, a little awkward whereas the guy i like is really social and funny and sweet- there’s always something to talk about with him. he calls me pretty all the time and gives me compliments and i know i could make us happen if i wanted to… and i do… but i can’t do that to my best friend or the guy’s brother…. right?

  • Angie

    Hi, I hope you see this and answer. I have searched & searched a site on when it is ok to date a friends ex & cannot find a scenario that matches mine in order to get a fair answer. Here is the “Sitch!”
    *** 40 years ago a cousin dated a guy for 10 years, by this time the entire family grew to care about him. At the end of the 10 yrs they broke up, he was devastated & she refused to tap to anyone about it. He reached out to several members of the family in an attempt to get her back…she would not budge. I felt so bad for him and out of love for them both (she is like a sister to me) I did all that I could to help them get back together, having him send letters, flowers..anything….she would not budge. In the meantime he had a bit of a breakdown over it & his family was worried about him. I was not about to desert him as a friend at this point & continued to do things with him to get him out & mind off of her. I was a single Mom & we would all go to the movies, petting zoo’s drives up north. (you get the idea) During this time I never once developed feelings for him, nor did he for me) Oh, & I believe it is worth saying she was always aware that I was friends with him, yet I kept both relationships separate. When I got an opportunity to move closer to my family & pay cheaper rent, he helped me with $$ in order to do it & said he never wanted the $$ back. When I met my Husband, he continued to remain a good friend to both of us. Once again let me stress that the thought of attraction for each other NEVER occurred to us. Fast forward 30 years after their break-up, my Husband came down with Cancer & died, she was their everyday & he showed his support & love from a close distance. A year later once all the dust cleared & everyone else had gradually returned to their NORMAL, I was left alone! He began to come around to help me with things around the house & my summer place. Soon he began to have feelings for me. My relationship with my cousin was so important that there was no way at 1st. (should know…she never EVER dated anyone after that & today remains single. He on the other hand had one other serious relationship, which also ended. Then had not dated in 12 to 14 years since) He has been working on himself, becoming a Christian which I led him to many years ago & had started the year praying for God to open his hear to the woman he wanted him to spend the rest of his life with. All the while I had been asking God for another chance at love. But, my husband loved me so much, worshiped the ground I walked on & treated me like a princess…BIG SHOES TO FILL….Right? I am currently 59 years old & he is 58 (there relationship ended when he was 29. Weil, here we are 9 months since he began asking me to pray about dating him & 6 months since I said yes. We are in love, he goes to church with me every week & we take my 11 & 9 year old niece & nephew, he has joined a mens Bible study group, we have been to a jeweler & a ring is being made. 5 months ago when I realized this was not a passing thing I broke the news to her. Since then she has not spoken to me & it has caused a slight problem in the family, because they are all happy for me/us!!! They love her, but feel she is caring this “NO DATING EX RULE” to far. I chose you to tell this to because of your comments of “Never” “Disrespectful” & “PAYBACKS ARE A B*TCH” Please be candid & truthful, now that you have heard my story, what would your advice be?

  • Back to back

    so me and my two bestfriends ex are secreatly dating this is what happened
    One of my bestfriend thought he did drugs so she blocked him from everywhere and the other she was all over othet guys at a party and cheated on him with his bestfriend
    When i told her we talk nd asked her if we can date she started talking about how she thinks of me as a sister and how its not ok to date your best friends ex and she has a boyfriend .the one that blocked him is totally ok with it shes the only one that understands. Me and him got something more then they did nd i like him nd he likes me back i dont know what to do

  • Anonymous

    So recently I found out that my sister was hanging out with a guy whom I had sexual relations with a couple years ago (friends with benefits)..She came out one night and said to me, I lied.. and I said what do you mean you lied..she said I lied about who I had over the other I asked who and she wouldn’t tell me till I started getting mad.. then she said it was Tom (false name) and I lost it. She then got all mad at me like I was in the wrong for getting mad. I tried explaining to her that ex boyfriends/friends with benefits are off limits to friends and family unless it is over with them. I asked why she didn’t say anything about it in the first place and she said because I knew you would get mad, well if you knew what my reaction was going to be then why the F*** do it in the first place? So then come to find out she lied to me again, said that they had only hung out the one time and two written sources between the two parties say other wise so I asked her about it again and she flat out lied to me again.

    So my question is am I in the wrong for being as pissed off/furious for her having “just” hung out with him so she says? I could never do that to a friend or family member!!!

  • Molly

    My friends ex is gonna ask me to prom as a friend. We’re pretty close before they dated, but I’m so confused! What do I do?!?

    • Jilly Wickersham Jr.


  • HeyHiHello

    Help! My best friend cheated on her boyfriend. I don’t know the whole story yet because I need to talk to her first (it happened like last night) But he boyfriend came to me very upset and I was helping him and he basically told me he wants to be with me. I know that it probably won’t last because he’s just looking for a rebound, but if it does, and I continue to be friends with her (because honestly I’m not sure if I want to) then would this be an acceptable situation to date your friend’s ex? (Also I’m not going to start dating him until we hang out a little more so both of them can have a little time to move on)

  • angel

    Umm i m kinda confused as well….i m myself dating one of my close friends ex….well he was also my ex when she dated him…so if she didnt think twice before doing it then why.should i right??

  • Choi junhong

    Well,i’am seeing this guy who’s been with my friend for two years. It all happened when he was feeling low and needed a shoulder to cry on. I was there for him. I had a crush on him for a long time. He confessed to me and we are dating now. Even my friend seems okay with it but I know she’s not. My friends are really mad at me because they think they broke up because of me. They don’t know the truth. Well,i’am losing friends now. Even one of my friend unfriended me on Facebook. I’am feeling real low. I thought of breaking up with him but I can’t because he trust me too much and i’am his only true friend. I don’t know what to do now. I’am feeling suicidal. Please help.

  • marianna

    I am secretely dating my friends boyfriend. She doesn’t know. I think she is one of the most negative, critical person and at school she keeps telling me how I should do things and behave and how to get guys and stuff. We’ve been close friends for the last 5 years since grade 3. She is a good friend I guess
    This is my way of hitting back at her. I dont think she deserves him. He is really really cute and I didnt mind losing my virginity to him. I didnt tell him that I was a virgin but i guess he knew I was one by how I behaved the first time. I dont care he is older. He is a really nice guy and really mature and stuff. I have told him not to say anything to her. He is going back to sea anyway in a couple of months.

    • harper danielle

      So the guy is still with your friend? So he hasnt broken it off with her? Does he still see her too? Does he have sex with her too?
      And you lost your virginity to him? wow. I am sure he knew you were a virgin. It is very obvious especially if it was your first time. Does he like you more? He may especially if the other girl is such a bitch.

  • Lindy

    Am dating my frnd ex boyfriend and she doesnt know i couldnt help my self we love each other but he is about to tell her that she preposed me any advise i can get out there please

  • roserl

    Totally depends.

    If it was a long term committed relationship or marriage. No.

    My partner dated one of my friends before me. She had an affair on her husband with him (she told him the marriage was over which he believed and it wasn’t)! It lasted three months.

    We were friends at the same time and remained friends for another year and a half before we went out, and I told her and she said it was okay. She broke it off with him, btw.

    We are still close friends. She is since divorcing her husband, and she has hung out with the two of us on a few times.

    I did tell her about it right away and we talked it over.

    Definitely depends on the relationship and the circumstances and time frame.

    • Lindy

      No they dated fo 4month it was not a long term relationship

  • nyx

    i just started dating my best friend’s ex, and she is being a right bitch about it. why should she care in the first place. an ex is an ex get over get on with ur life. you have another man so stop fussing over the one u lost. he didnt even love you in the first place

  • Jill

    I have been very close to my best friends ex. I have known him for the last 2 years and I used to hang out with them. She was a real bitch to him and treated him so badly. I must admit he is a really gorgeous and very good looking guy and I have always fancied him. He was crazy over her but she would flirt with other guys and play mind games with him. Secretely, I have been dating him without her knowing and we’ve been extremely intimate. I loved doing stuff with him. I liked his maturity and his age didnt matter. I was there at his place when she was losing her virginity to him. I was covering for her if her parents called. We were still quite young.
    Soon after that I lost my virginity to him and we have been having regular sex for over a year now. She has since moved interstate but keeps asking me about him. I think she now wants to get back with him. I havent told her that we were having sex and that I go to his place regualrly.
    To me, I dont care what she might think. She broke up with him and I liked him. So I dont regret what I have been doing.

  • Emily Smith

    My friends Ex just asked me out and he just broke up with her a little while ago and i said yes (I dont really believe in girl code) but i feel guilty and terrible, and i have no clue what to do. But were keeping it a secret.


    • Leigh

      Take it from me, a woman, who had been once betrayed by a best friend. . .dating this guy is NOT worth the pain that it’ll cause your girlfriend in the end, nor is it worth the value of your friendship! In all honesty, why would you even want to be with a guy who’s capable of doing that to one of his ex-girlfriends, a girl that he once cared about and possibly loved? Did you ever hear of the phrase, “If they do it with you, they’ll do it to you?” There’s a lot of truth in that statement because if he’ll do that with you, there’s no stopping him from dumping you one day to pursue one of your girlfriends and that WILL hurt! My best friend ended up sleeping with my fiancé and at the time, I was eight months pregnant with his child. She never told me but the truth always has a way of rearing it’s ugly head and it did just that! When I found out, I was left simply heartbroken and feeling completely and utterly betrayed. In the end, I was left alone to raise my infant daughter, both emotionally and financially. I was also left two best friends short. A mutual friend of ours thought that I should have forgiven my duplicitous and conniving girlfriend for what she had done but I simply could not. She wasn’t even the slightest bit remorseful for any of her actions, all of the lies she told, or the pain that she had caused. The pain that her actions had caused was just too much to bear. So, not being able to forgive her cost me the friendship of our mutual friend. It’s been 20 years since this occurred and my ex-best friend’s actions still remind me of the tremendous emotional pain that I had once felt. Obviously, it doesn’t effect me as much as it once did, but I still think about it from time to time. I just remind myself that she’s not worth it because she’s not. I never even got a single apology from her. Throughout high school, I had soo many girlfriends think that it was okay to pursue my boyfriend. Some girls even befriended me in order to get close to my high school sweetheart (who’s now my husband) which I found to be completely repulsive. Obviously, I learned that a TRUE friend would NEVER do that to another and that’s the truth. I certainly would NEVER EVER do that to a friend, mainly because one, it’s wrong on multiple levels, and two, I know how much it hurts to have a close friend betray you like that. . .and to this very day, I never have. No guy is worth causing that kind of pain to another! Not one! They are farrr too many fish in the sea for that! If your friend means anything to you, please spare her the years of pain that my best friend could not. Trust me when I tell you. . .no decent guy would ever ask out his ex-girlfriend’s girlfriend. If a guy does, they’re either A.) A complete and utter jerk or B.) Trying to make their ex jealous or trying to get back at them for breaking their heart or C. Trying to break up your friendship. I have more than enough life experience to know this to be the God’s honest truth. If you care about this friend of yours, even in the slightest bit, you’d dump the guy & tell your friend how much better off she is! And you’d be too (better off, that is)! Always remember: guys will always come & go but friendships can (and often do) last a lifetime! 😉

      • lil-kelli

        Leigh, its a pity you had such an experience. But for everyone with your experience there are many with good experiences too.
        You also go on to blame the guy for being a jerk. Dont you think you need to share some of that responsibility too for expecting too much and setting yourself up for disappointment??
        Mostly, for guys sex is a physical need and when you were pregnant he probably felt his sexual needs werent being met and perhaps he felt neglected. I don’t know. I am just saying there are 2 sides to that story. We haven’t heard his side and many women will take your side.
        Having a relationship with your friends ex, to me, should be fun without any seriousness. If you are attracted why not?? I dont see anything wrong in wanting to have a sexual relationship with someone you find attractive irrespective of whether he was the ex of your close friend.
        In your case, it is slightly different because you both were still together and he abandoned you when you were pregnant. That I agree, is shameful. That specific act is shameful. He should be hung up and castrated…lol
        I don’t see anything wrong with having an intimate relationship with your friends ex. The 2 other comments on here are perfect examples of the fun they are having / had !!

  • natasha

    It happened to me. I dated my very best friends boyfriend even before he became her ex. We used to hang out together and I could sense he liked me a lot. My best friend was crazy about him but because of the big age difference nothing happened. He was in the army too. We used to hang out at his place because we knew his younger sister. We were all in the same year. He was still with my best friend when I lost my virginity to him. For 2 weeks I used to go to his place and we would do it a lot. No one found out thankfully. I was really sad when he had to go back to the army. Something about him was so atractive. His personality, his position in the defence, the excitement in the stories he told and his physique. He was much older but he was worth the trouble and my virginity evn though I was a lot younger.