How Can I Talk To A Shy Guy?

How To Talk To Guys

Just approach him first! | Source:

Dear Ethan: I need some advice on how to talk to shy guys. The guy I like is really shy which wouldn’t be a problem except for I’m really shy too. I don’t really have problems talking to guys who are confident and want to talk to me because they start the conversation. How do I talk to him!?!? Thanks:)

Don’t worry, you and Kristen Stewart aren’t the only ones – plenty of girls are shy! In fact, how to overcome approach anxiety is probably the question most frequently asked of me and my fellow “College Dating Coach”, Dave. My first suggestion is to open with something you have in common: If he’s a classmate, ask him about the History homework. If he’s a cook at Chick-fil-A, inquire about the secret ingredient of the Spicy Chicken Sandwich you love. Or, if he’s a member of your girl scout troop, find out what the hell he’s doing in a girl scout troop. Using info you already have to get a dialogue started may be the oldest trick in the book, but it’s lasted through the ages because it actually works!

Shy Couple

Maybe you guys can make each other more outgoing. | Source: Shutterstock

If you know absolutely nothing about him, you can use your environment to spark conversation. For example, while seeing him in line for the movies, ask if he’s seen the The Vow yet, which you intend to watch with a friend. Hopefully he’s like you and won’t have trouble chatting once someone else initiates — in which case he’ll take the hint that you’re interested in getting to know him and make his own contributions to the exchange (e.g. “I haven’t seen The Vow—but have you seen those washboard abs on Channing Tatum? Ridiculous!”) Before you know it, you’ll be making plans for Saturday night.

Should you hit a dead end, feel free to try again in a few days. For all you know, you could be catching him at a bad time. But if he’s still not responding to a second attempt, he’s either uninterested or so painfully shy that he likely wouldn’t be a good match for you anyway. You might be best paired with an outgoing guy who can draw you out of your shell.

Let’s hope that your confidence and initiative inspires this crush of yours to open up – the man of your dreams could be one conversation away!

Good luck!

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at!


Why will he hook up with you but not call you his GF? Ethan tells the truth.

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  • Morgana5953

    “If he’s in your girl scout troop, find out what the hell he’s doing in a girl scout troop.” Oh, believe me. If I was in a girl scout troop, that would be my first question.

  • kayla

    So there is this boy in my chemistry class and I have the biggest crush on him and im outgoing but shy around him one time one of his friends asked me did I think he was cute and I said yes and he was sittin right in front of me and he turned all red and hes shy overall and I really want to talk to him I jus dont know how I want to tell him how I feel but I also dont want to sound desperate either ive never had my eye on someone like I do him but im jus so scared of rejection . Help me please.

  • Mollie

    I’m 11 and too young to date, and the boy I like is the same age. I see him every Wednesday @ the roller rink with my summer school. Every time I go, he and I meet eyes whenever we are within 10 feet of each other. He is too shy to talk to me. He knows my friend but will not talk to her when I’m around. I need advice on how to talk to him without scaring him.

  • Jennifer A

    (hes 26 i’m 21)……So my boyfriend and I are completely complicated…I believe on his part….he does things that are so adorable for instance Valentines he made two matching necklaces and engraved our initials…then we ended moving away from home to a house..then things started getting bumpy and we ended moving back.. me at my parents him at his dinky trailer….while we were in the process of moving back he gave me a ring…and now he seems detached why would be like that? He told me when he gave me the ring that when hes with me he feels like hes home and that he wants to grow old with me….i’m confused!!! Help please!!

  • Clara

    Okay, so there’s this boy in my math class that I think is really cute. We’re both freshmen in college, but I had him for P.E. sophomore year and then for government last year in high school. I’ve always thought he was attractive, but I never talked to him because he was ALWAYS sleeping in class. He doesn’t sleep now, but the teacher’s always talking and I can’t really get a word in. I don’t know if he’s shy or just completely indifferent to other people, but he always has this really emotionless look on his face and he doesn’t talk to anyone. I think I’ve heard him speak only a handful of times in the years I’ve known him. Anyway, how could I start talking to him? I’d like a casual way to assess if he’s into me ._. I don’t wanna make a fool out of myself though… please help! Thanks!

  • roxana

    thee is this boy in my school and well i like him and hes shy and i tryed to start a convo with him but he just answered the question and well make it awared and theni started to see more into him and found out that his brother died 2 months ago they were only 1 year apart and i think thats the reason he isnt socal but he does talk to my friend when they aproch him but when i come he just like stops smiling and trys to walk away and also im the only one in the school that knows about his brother and since the day i found out i cant stop but fell depressed and well i like him and i dont know how to help him fell better about the death can you help me any advice even though is not much on this subjet.

  • Mimi-hime

    right. Build up experiences and stuff. What if my problem is……… the guy’s not usually shy. He’s mostly the adventurous and outgoing type but, when around me, he does random things. He blush, I blush and then I end up running away.

    Does talking work when I’m the one who doesn’t have enough courage to talk to him???

  • kristin

    just do what i did. write him a note and when your leaving the area (room, bus whatever) profess your love and get outta there! make sure you leave your number if hes interested he’ll text you hopefully. if hes too shy to text you then move on girl! 🙂

  • Mirna_9452

    Seriouslly? I aggree to who ever this dude is. But if i were a shy girl( 100% not true) and i wanted to confront a guy that is also shy- this is what i would have done:
    * REMOVE SHY TO EVER EXISTING IN YOUR HEAD! The first step is to raise your voice no one can hear you if you mumble. Tried singing outloud in the shower or some where no one is around. It doesn’t matter if you believe you are a terrible singer just sing your heart out(not literary)! Trust me! Your vocal cord and your lungs will get used to the raise of your voice that you would prohably never mumble again.
    * Just what this dude said, go out more. Do stuff you love doing or talented at ( no matter how weird because wierd is cool to me)

    • Ethan Fixell

      I’m the “dude”, so thank you for agreeing with me! And I appreciate your supplementary advice to the other ladies — raising your voice (literally and metaphorically speaking) is super important!


  • marshmelo

    I have a really odd problem with my crush. The guy I have a crush loves talking…. especially about himself. But that’s only when he’s talking to all of our friends. We are really close friends, but I have troubles iniating conversation with him partcularily, so 95% of the time when it’s me and him just talking he started the convo lol. If I pass him in the hallway, for example, he sometimes will smile and say hi and stuff, other times he will have an emotionless face and won’t even look up to see me. Same goes for when after the bells rings, I’ll be at my locker and he will sometimes start a conversation with me but sometimes he ignores my existence and either will go directly to my other friend or go hang out with his guy friends and like I said, pretends that Im not even there. Yet he’s totally different in public places such as school than when my friends and I all get together and have a little party or even at lunch break(I call it little cuz we’re 13 (can’t drink yet) and there’s only six of us). He’s always looking for my attention, saying almost heart-meltingly sweet things to me, and if we play some sort of game (like Glee karaoke revolution like we did one time) he wants me on his team and says I’m great at whatever I’m doing….. And I can’t believe his behaviour difference between the two places. Also sometimes at school he’ll talk way more to my best friend than me, or even sometimes not even talk to me at all and will talk completely to her. I don’t really know what’s up with all of that, but I think he’s sending mixed signals, and it really confusing. Because I am so shy and he starts most of the convos when we talk, I and hardly ever start them, I wonder if it’s a possibility that he’s getting discouraged with trying to get me to like him, that is, if he actually likes me back. But somewhere deep down I think he does… So confused though. 🙁

    • Ethan Fixell

      Hey Marsh,

      Sounds like this boy definitely does like you! I wouldn’t get too down on yourself, he could be shy about the fact that he’s interested in you, and doesn’t want to draw too much attention to it in public. If you can build up the courage, I would ask him for plans outside of school so you can spend some one-on-one time together! Might be easier then to understand what he’s thinking.

      Thanks for writing,


  • Thalia

    OMG this is what I am like this boy I really really like is shy and so am I. I have liked him for nearly a year but I am to shy to tell him. I know quite a bit about him as we work together in a group at school. When I walk past him he always looks at me and smiles so I always smile back but is he just being friendly?

    • Ethan Fixell

      Nope, it sounds like he might be into you as well, Thalia! Instead of just admiring from afar, I think you should take things to the next level by initiating a conversation the next time you walk by. Do it a couple of times if necessary, and hopefully he’ll start initiating on his own. He probably just needs a little more of a signal to let him know that you’re into him!


  • Bo

    I’m 18 years old and a senior. He’s a 17 year old junior. We’re both really well known at my school because we both play sports and have the same circle of friends. I’ve grown to have a little crush on him and we’re even going to prom together as dates. One day we are really flirting with each other and talking to each other a lot and the next day he barely talks to me. I catch him looking a lot of the times. He has no problem being funny and witty to his friends who are girls and his guy friends, but when he’s around me with people around he’s very quiet and polite. I don’t know why he’s giving me these mixed signals, but why is that he had no problem talking to other people except me?

    • Ethan Fixell

      Hey Bo,

      I don’t believe the signals are as mixed as you think — perhaps the reason he’s going hot and cold so often is precisely because he’s into you! Lots of socially outward guys freeze up once they’re actually confronted with the girl they like, so it might take a little push from you in order to get things going. It sounds to me like he’s into you, but just a little gunshy. Why not ask him out?


    • Juls

      Bo- Your situation sounds a lot like mine. I’m 18 and a senior, he’s 17 and a junior. We’re both going to prom as dates, the only problem is, he’s way more into me than I am into him. I’ve made it clear to him many times that I’m not interested in anything more than being friends, and we’ve already dated twice to test the waters but it just wasn’t working out for me. In your case, if you like this guy, he’s most likely definitely into you too considering the fact that you guys are going to/ went to prom together and he’s being flirty with you. Like Ethan said, he could be one of those guys that just freezes up around the girl they like in front of their friends or even after a big flirt session and he might just be considering how you felt about it too. It doesn’t hurt to push things to the next level by asking him out on a date (movies, mall, etc) and see where things go. I’ve initiated plenty of get togethers with guys I’m interested in, whether they’re interested in me or not. But just to see how things go, it always ends up being worth the shot.

  • Sasha

    I love!

    • Ethan Fixell

      And loves you!