Confession: I Was A Facebook Stalker

facebook stalker in action

I couldn't tear myself away! | Source:

I used to be a stalker.

Oh, not that kind of stalker. Not the illegal kind. Not the kind who lurks in the bushes outside her victim’s house, scheming and sobbing and spying through the windows. I was a Facebook stalker–where even the most casually curious observer can see all the photos, updates and intimate details of someone’s life at the mere click of a mouse? Oh, I stalked. I stalked HARD.

I stalked my high school’s mean girls — the ones who called me “fat-ass” when I sprouted womanly hips during sophomore year–and chuckled with malicious glee when a beach vacation photo album revealed their spare tires and cellulite and stretch marks galore. I stalked my fifth grade frenemy, clicking backward through tons of wall posts to find the place where her marriage had unraveled. And, of course, I wouldn’t be a very good Facebook stalker unless I stalked my exes.

What were they doing? Who were they dating? In the aftermath of our breakups, had they become handsome and accomplished and enviably successful? Or were they sad, sloppy shadows of their former selves and full of regret that they’d ever let me–the one perfect girl they’d ever know–get away?

facebook lollipop for facebook stalkers

It was as addictive as candy! | Source:

I have one ex in particular who lied and cheated throughout our relationship, one whose behavior was so karma-killingly terrible that in a just world he would have spent the rest of his life in misery. And while, ironically, we were no longer connected on Facebook–I had de-friended him on the same day that I told him never, ever to contact me again–I could still see his profile thanks to our mutual connections.

Naturally, it was for this one, more than any other guy, that I put my Facebook stalker skills to use. Secretly, shamelessly, clicking through his photo albums and friendships in search of any evidence that he was getting his cosmic comeuppance. I am not embarrassed to admit that, each time I visited, I hoped to see that he had lost his job. Or his hair. Or his penis, preferably in an accident involving a factory fire and at least one shark.

But it was also this same ex who brought my stalking to an end… when, mere hours after posting to friends and family that I’d gotten some incredible and long-awaited job-related news, I received a sarcastically congratulatory–and typically smarmy–message from him. Turns out, he’d been stalking my profile just as hard as I’d been stalking his (and possibly harder).

facebook stalking collage art

Not anymore! | Source:

And so I quit. Cold turkey. Because while I’d always known that my Facebook stalker status wasn’t one of my most admirable qualities, that it was base and self-involved and a seriously stupid waste of time, that had never been enough to put me off. But the knowledge that, in following my evil ex-boyfriend’s movements online, I was giving myself something in common with that total, unforgivable douchebag… that was enough to stop me cold, forever and ever, never to look back.

And if, through the karmic magic of the universe, he does end up losing his penis in a terrible shark fire? I’m sure I’ll find out on Twitter.

Have you ever been a Facebook stalker? Who were you spying on? Did you stop or are you still Facebook stalking? Do you think you have a Facebook stalker? Fess up in the comments!

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  • Sarah A

    I’ve never facebook stalked someone, I’ve occationally went on a friends profile if I haven’t heard form them in months and write on their wall, or see if they posted anything lately. But that’s reserved for really close, good friends that I genuinly miss. My ex did something terrible to me too, and we were bestfriends for 3 years before we got together and were together for a year and a half. I also lost my virginity to him, and I was madly in love with him, to get broken up over text on the pretense that it’d be “good for me to date other people, because I might be missing out.” >.>’ But I never Facebook stalked him. Or asked for him from friends. I even defriended him ASAP. Lol. I just have…more of a…life?(no offense) Even though, at the moment I don’t have much of one. But this story did make me laugh! I loved the douche bag comment at the end, when she said she stopped cold turkey because she had something in common with him. XD