My Boyfriend’s Best Friend Is A Girl – And I’m Jealous. What Do I Do?

Zac Efron, Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Tisdale

When Zac was with Vanessa, he was close to Ash | Source: Zimbio.com


Dear Heather,

My boyfriend has a best friend who’s a girl (and she’s gorgeous) and sometimes I feel like he will always put her before me. We fight all the time because of her and I told him he’s not allowed to see her but he doesn’t listen. He says I should trust him and she’s like a sister to him but I can’t stand her and she’s not nice to me. What do I do? I love him, he’d never cheat on me, I know it. I’m just scared.

I totally understand you being worried about your boyfriend’s BFF. It’s normal to feel jealous about your BF spending alone time with another girl, especially a girl he obviously is really close to. However, (and you might not want to hear this) this is something you need to learn to deal with for the sake of your relationship.

Fighting with your boyfriend over this girl and telling him he’s not allowed to hang out with her is definitely not the way to handle this. Acting that way is only going to make your BF angry and it will probably eventually push him away. Think about it: would you like it if he told you who you could and couldn’t hang out with? Unless something seriously shady is going on between them, you really don’t have the right to tell him he can’t see his best friend anymore.

Two Girls Fighting

DON'T do this with the girl - or him. | Source: Datingish.com

Instead of arguing with him, try explaining to him calmly how uncomfortable this whole situation makes you feel. If you’re completely honest with him, it might make him a little bit more sympathetic – but it probably isn’t going to make him dump her completely. Just ask him to be open with you about what they do when they hang out together. Let him know that when he puts her before you, it really hurts your feelings.

Also, you should definitely make nice with this girl. Ask him if you can hang out with the two of them sometimes. Get to know her and see what she’s all about. I’m not saying you have to make her your BFF also, but learning more about her and becoming friendly with her might make her seem like less of a threat. It will also make your boyfriend happy. If he feels like he can hang with both you together, then that might cut down on their alone time; plus it’ll impress him that you’re making an effort.

The main thing is that if you genuinely do trust your boyfriend, you need to accept his friendship with this girl. You said yourself you don’t think he would cheat on you – and if he’s telling you she’s like a sister to him, he probably means it. Unless you notice them being weirdly flirty or getting too close for comfort, you shouldn’t worry. It is possible for guys and girls to just have a platonic friendship.

take care,
heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com

 

Should you ever be friends with benefits with your ex? Read what Heather thinks.


Posted in: Dating, Health, Sex & Relationships, Help Me Heather, Help&Advice, Love&Sex, Relationships, Sucky Emotions
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  • Bec

    I have a similar problem. You see, Sophie, the girl, has only known him a few months more than me and they are extremely close now. She flirts like mad with him and she knows what she is doing. I have tried to get along with her but we are so different. Anyway they always go for long drives alone in the night together and spend a lot of time together but when it is me and Rhys with our other friends she likes to come and make me feel like she is his girlfriend. She constantly text and calls him and even when she knows we are having a quiet night together she calls and he answers. I have told him how I feel and why I just sit there sad in silence when she is there but he doesnt listen or doesnt understand. He gets annoyed with me and has told me previously that i need to do myself a favour before it is too late. What do I do? i really love him. Thanks

    • jess

      tell him, ask him. How would he feel if you had a best male friend who acted the same way as his BFF does?. In fact bring the closet guy friend that you have along next time and see how he reacts, if he displays similar feelings to how you feel then he should understand. If he doesn’t he is extremely narrow minded, if he doesn’t display any feelings I would question you relationship. You really shouldn’t have to put up with someone else who flirts, doesn’t matter friend or not, flirting is crossing the boundaries. Tell him this is how you see it and that he should respect your feelings first, your his girlfriend after all.

      Unfortunately you cannot tell him to stop seeing her but express how you feel and try to come to a compromise, set limits on what he can and can’t do with her. When they meet up go with them! If he is caring enough he will and should come to compromise, if not. Get rid of him….

    • m

      Run.

      • mitchie yurie

        I got the same problem. 🙁 My boyfriend has a best female BFF for 3years. And it kills me inside knowing that they are living in one house together. only the two of them. 🙁 His Bestfriend is his dad’s secretary. There was one time that the 3 of us had lunch together in their house. Then after that the girl seems to be so rude they way she acted infront of me. 🙁 Like throwing the doors when she goes out from house. 🙁 What shall I do? Im so worried about their very close relt. 🙁

  • Jenny

    I am in the exact same position. My boyfriend’s best friend is a girl. She lives far away so they don’t really see each other that often. Initially, she was the one I went to for advice about him and she was really happy that we were getting together. However, I found out later that she liked him initially and they were talking for a bit before he went back to his ex. They later started talking to each other as friends and have been best friends since.

    At first, it didn’t bother me at all, but then I noticed just how much he was talking to her..calling, texting and chatting online. Most of the time it’s platonic but they say things like “i miss you” and “i love you.” I brought this up with him, but he tries to tell me that’s in the purest form possible and he has nothing except friendship with her.

    I’m to the point where I almost can’t take it anymore. I know for a fact that he would rather lose me as a girlfriend over her as a friend any day. I’m tired of having to be put on hold when I call him because his best girl friend is on the other line. I’m tired of him videochatting with her late at night. I’m tired of him wanting to go and stay with her at her house for two weeks to visit.

    All I can say to other girls is, jealousy in this situation is normal. It’s a lot to ask of any girlfriend. Every girl wants to be loved and appreciated by her significant other and wants to be the #1 girl in his life. Every girl deserves that, and if he’s not willing to give that to you, he’s just not worth it.

    • z

      You should respect him and his friend. Every guy deserves to be respected in the relationship and you shouldn’t pressure him to do anything he is uncomfortable with.

    • s.a.

      Oh dear. Never trust another woman who says that they are just “friends” with your boyfriend ESPECIALLY if they have had feelings for him. I am speaking from experience with women who expressed their feelings to my boyfriend, he explained that he could only be friends as he love me very much. My boyfriend and these women remained friends for a while even though I protested, he assured me that there was nothing to worry about now.

      However, in both cases, these expressed their feelings to him again! One even tried to kiss him!!

      So no, do not trust women who have had feelings for you boyfriend, she probably still has feelings is only lingering around hoping that she gets a chance one day. Do not be taken for a fool!

  • bestfriend*

    Well I’m the girl best friend in this situation and it sucks to be hated on by the jealous b*tch girlfriend. This kid is like a brother to me and his GF annnnd all of y’all just need to chill out. If you can’t trust him, dump him. And definitely don’t tell him he’s not allowed to have a girl best friend.
    Because now, I’m bestfriendless thanks to snobs like y’all.

    • s.a.

      You’ll understand once you get a boyfriend that you really care about and love. You’ll understand even more when you come across women who go as far as PRETENDING to be YOUR AND HIS friend in the hope that one day she will get a chance to be with him. You are too young to understand at the moment.

      • JosalynnA

        VERY WELL SAID GIRL

  • Molly

    I totally can relate to this situation! My boyfriend is super sweet and I know he loves me. He has five girls in his class and the whole class guys and girls are good friends and hangout a lot outside of school which is not a prob with me. He should have friends. But one girl out of that group seems to think that he is supposed to follow her around and do stuff for her like he is her boyfriend or something and the thing is she has a bf at another school. Sometimes last school year (when we 1st got together) he did follow her around and stuff. At first, I didn’t really mind but after awhile I got sick of it. I talked to him about it and I let him know I didnt mind him having friends but I was tired of my feelings getting hurt because he put all his attention on another girl. He somewhat understood and kept telling me I was his girlfriend and that’s how he wanted it to stay and that him and that other girl were just friends and he would treat me better. Well a few things changed but my feelings still got hurt and I talked to him about it more. One thing I never told him was that he absolutely could not hang out with her because I’m not that controlling , I just get jealous sometimes and hurt feelings which jealousy must be completely normal. Things got better by the end of the school year especially after we were together more outside of school and had our first kiss . I think we grew closer which is great and I feel like I am his #1 now and I handled that situation with out a major fight or breakup. We have had a lot of fun together this summer and school is getting close to starting again in August. I’m a little worried that he will put her first again but I’m hoping not. I definitely think since we are closer, more of his attention will be on me. High school sweethearts. ❤

  • kelsieeeeeee

    Im going thru the same thing.. its just like all girlfriend are going to have to go thru it. i mean i dont tell him not you cant hang out with her i just ask him not to hang out with her alone when he goes to her houes not to go in her room … he seems fine with this but idk i mean i have a good reson she liked him even when we wear dateing! and would always say this stuff to him… She flirts with him to but i guess its just her persanalty but i need help i hate how i dont like her because i feel blah i think shes prettry then me and yeag i get jellous really esaly. but i just want to know is me leting him hang out with her but asking him thouse 2simple and understandable things okay?….

  • mrs harry

    I had to write to testify the goodness of Dr. Messiah of the freemercytemple@yahoo.com today when i was at work…a beautiful vase of red roses was just delivered to my office….from the man of my dreams…the man I contacted him to retrieve back for that he is my only love and the one i will always love till death…and through this DR spell casting magic, he returned to me,he come back to me after many years of missing him….all differences worked out, no more mistrust, no more lies…because Dr. Messiah of the freemercytemple@yahoo.com realizes we are spiritual Beings first, he can contact and help our spirits and those we love….my red roses are proof of that! Thank you for thanking him for me.

  • anna

    I was the girl bestfriend and I never understood why all his previous gfs hated me I never once ever saw him like that he was knees in the friendzone I’m in a committed relatiomship so I figured the friendship would be safe and harmless but he started acting strange and the girls anger towards me made sense he provoaked them not on purpose but non the less he put me on this terrible pedistal I did not want to be on. He started making me feel strange so I started avoiding him and now I resent him for making me feel so awkward and for putting me in this situation. His stupid actions ruined a great friendship

  • Josalynna

    I’m going through the same thing, My bf has a girl best friend and I just hate it. But I have a good reason. Him and his girl best friend used to like each other a while ago, and they used to kiss and almost had sex. But now he claims he has no feelings for her, he just feels like shes a sister to him. She’s always trying to buy his parents things and him:/ I hate it. What do I do??

  • Sharberry :3

    In my case, it’s the other way around. My best friend is a guy and he and my boyfriend hate each other (but then again, he hates 2/3 of my only friends. Those two are guys. Big deal. . Then there’s my best friend’s girlfriend, who

  • Alli

    I’m going through the same situation and I understand your frustration. The advice Heather gave is spot on. I have to remind myself 100 times a day that he has done nothing to not deserve my absolute trust, even after he himself has told me at least that much that I’m all he wants. Even if there isnt a sexual relationship going on, I feel an emotional relationship is a worse kind of betrayal. There is a connection that surpasses a sexual one. If he is more open and honest with you than he is with her, you probably don’t have a thing to worry about. I hope you can work things out with him if it is for the best. Love is a powerful thing, and if he has enough for you he will make you believe nothing is going on.

  • TrendyNerdLuvMB

    Ok! Sooo…. if you know that he wouldn’t cheat on you, that’s one of the only things that matters. Also, I know that you are jealous and THAT’S OK! Every girl feels at least a little speck of jealousy in them. BUT… that doesn’t mean that you should make him stay away from her. He isn’t listening because he thinks exactly what it says right before this sentence
    you are reading right now (maybe…)

    Try your best by not being scared. You, your Boyfriend, and his best friend should hang out! For example, have a study group together, play outside! You never know! That girl might be your best friend too!

    I hope this helps! Peace Out!

    -TrendyNerdLuvMB Out! 8^D

  • iloveremiah

    OHHH! stfu you all! boo whoo hoo like who cares about your social life?! u shouldnt worry about boys! there nothing good your better than them..!

    • TrendyNerdLuvMB

      ….. 8^|

      -TrendyNerdLuvMB Out! 8^D

  • Amy

    I’m really going through the same problem right now and honestly, you really can’t tell him what to do. In a relationship, both of you should have the freedom to choose who to be friends with. The real question is, do you trust him? Do you trust him to reject this BFF of his if she ever made a move? If the answer is no, then you shouldn’t be with him in the first place. Clean and simple as that.
    As for my own relationship, I really do trust my boyfriend, but as soon as he starts putting her way way way up higher than me, then we won’t be together for long!

  • Kate

    I’m glad I stumbled across this advice article. Sometimes I feel jealous of my boyfriend and his best friend. They dated for like a week and they’re childhood friends. So I wouldn’t want him to stop being friends with her. But at one point I got so jealous that I wanted to break up with him because I thought they’d be a better match for each other. She has a boyfriend too and I do believe they only see each other as best friends. It’s just hard for me to see my boyfriend have so much fun with another girl but he won’t let me have a guy friend because he thinks the situation is different :/ I always play it off that I’m never jealous. I hope it’s believable.

  • Cat

    Hah! My boyfriend of 4 years cheated on me twice- the first time was with his best chick friend very early in the relationship, so I gave him a second chance. The second time was with his other best chick friend. I kicked him in the balls.
    The girls initiated it, but he didn’t do a very good job of stopping them. Even if he seems to not like the girl at all, I’d keep a damn sharp eye out. They can be masters of deceit.

    • Jessica

      Here here Cat! My ex whom I was with for almost four years, quickly hooked up with his female BFF shortly after he dumped me. I was always jealous and wary of her and I was right the entire time! They BOTH tried telling me they didn’t like each other in that way, that they thought of each other like “brother and sister” (which by the way is the most overused excuse) but they text each other constantly, he always put her before me, treated me like shit, and worshiped the ground she walked on. It got to the point that they were both telling each other “I love you” and not in the way brothers and sister do. Hell, the week she came to stay with her family, he dragged me to her house so he could spend time with her and spend the night there. And when it came to picking me up to take me there, which her place was only fifteen minutes from mine, it was a full HOUR/HOUR AND A HALF before he came to get me and I found out after we broke up that in that intermittent time, he was taking her for a ride in his car *cough*bullshit*cough*. He even brags on his Facebook how he’s been with her for a year, a year to the day he broke up with me.

      You have every right to be jealous, and don’t buy any of that crap about how you need to be “accepting” of their “friendship”, because you better believe that once you’re out of the picture, SHE will be the one taking your place on his arm, in his heart and in his life!

  • Audrey

    My fiance has a best friend that is a girl but it doesn’t bother me.
    We have been together almost 4 years now and have a child together
    but even before all that his best friend was a girl. I met her once and they talk all the
    time but I trust him. If you can trust you boyfriend/girlfriend there shouldn’t be anything to worry about. I also had a best friend who was a guy and my now fiance was a little worried at first because of issues in past relationships…. but he got to know the guy and soon got past it. We both have bestfriends of the opposite sex…. but it doesn’t bother either of us because we have trust and loyalty between eachother. If you can’t have those two simple things in a relationship ….. then its not must of a relationship at all and
    you will always be worrying.

  • Bea

    I’m going through this right now and I’m the girlfriend. I have recently gone to college and my boyfriend and I haven’t really had much time to talk(I’m still in the same county, only 30 minutes away). During that time anothe girlr, who really likes him, started to talk to him a lot more and started being his bestfriend. She tells him that she really likes him a lot and last week he confessed to me that he might like her back too. I don’t know what to do I really love him and I feel like this problem is seperating us. When I asked him again he told me that she didn’t like him anuymore and he doesn’t like her either but he still talks to her a lot. I’m trying to be more open about it and not be super jelous about it but I hurts to know that he might have been willing to throw away our almost 3 year relationship for her. Help

  • CourtneyM17

    I’ve had this problem before kind of…except I was the best friend. (of both the girl and the guy, so it is a little different!) But when the 2 of them broke up, she told him and I that we couldn’t hang out anymore, because she was worried that we would get together…But trust me, that WORST thing to do is try to tell people who they can and cannot hang out with, and then get mad at them for hanging out with them…You’re not the only person in their life, and they have important relationships with each other; but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have an important relationship with you. Get to know her better, maybe you would like her.

  • Penny

    I’m usually that girl – the best friend. I’m not particularly attractive, so sometimes it’s not a problem. But most of the time, my BFFs GFs are threatened or jealous, and they hate me before even meeting me. I think it’s just dumb – I love him like a brother, and I’ve never been romantically or sexually attracted to him.

    If you want to stay with your boyfriend, you have to learn to accept his friendships. Unless there’s sneaky behavior or too much flirting, it’s just like he’s BFFs with a guy. If you push too hard, he will drop you. I’ve never put my BFF in a position where he has to choose – but a couple of his ex gfs did. And notice that they’re “ex,” while I’m still around.

  • Sami

    I had/have that problem with my husband. When we were dating,he had an ex that was his bff for a year and a half. The difference was that she still liked him. The more I pushed, the more he didn’t understand. I left him alone and he finally got it. He stopped being friends with her and shortly after we were engaged. He still has gf’s that are close friends. Sometimes i’m a lil jealous but they are different . He likes me better 🙂