out of toilet paper
Who knows how much I’ve racked up by now? Probably hundreds of dollars worth of stolen goods. Normally I would plead the fifth, but since this is a confession I must admit: I steal. I steal all the time . . . I steal a whole lot of toilet paper. I am sure it sounds crazy.
It all started my freshman year of college. The price of living in the dorms was high and the rooms were tiny. Plus you had to share them with, like, five other people. (1 bathroom. 6 girls. There will be blood!) At first everything was cool. You’d go to the front desk if you needed anything – including of course TP, which we all need – show the receptionist your student ID, get a couple rolls of TP – simple.
Sophomore year I decided to save some money and moved into “low cost housing.” These dorms were a bit older, further from campus, and sometimes you’d be stuck in a room with three and a half walls. Yeah, three and half walls. Still, I thought it was livable until . . . one fateful morning, the second week of school we were out of toilet paper, when I went down to the reception area with my ID ready for some velvety smooth toilet paper. But the receptionist said, “We don’t do toilet paper in this dorm…” I was livid.
My roommates and I decided we would take turns buying and made a schedule. It was fine the first few weeks, but then things got out of hand. Day after day, I’d have my butt on the porcelain throne and mid-pee I would realize, “There’s no TP!”. Girl, it was not my turn to buy it either.
And thus my life of crime began! First I would go to the other fancier dorms with my ID, acting as though I lived there. Revenge! Then I started going to the bathrooms in the cafeteria, carefully sneaking a roll into my tote bag. Soon I was at the library, unscrewing the plastic toilet paper encasing, stealing four rolls at a time! Swindling those waxy toilet seat covers that are probably utterly useless! Why? Just because I could! Mwuhahaha! At Starbucks! At my internships! Anywhere I had the chance.
Senior year I found out one of my roommates was the RA, yikes! I thought the jig was up. There was no way she wouldn’t recognize the same label the university used and of course she knew that our dorm did not give us TP. When we had run out of the good stuff for the first time, I went to my room and grabbed a roll from my secret stash. But when I returned there was a fresh roll on the holder and a wrapper with the standard university label in the trash bin. Had I been caught? Had the RA found my secret stash? “Where’d you get the TP?” I asked. “I stole it from the bathroom of the resource center downstairs,” she said cavalierly and walked away. Finally the perfect roommate, I thought.
Now that I have graduated the TP bug is gone. There is no way I can continue hoarding rolls from Starbucks and I probably shouldn’t have in the first place. At least stealing something they expect you to use, from a school you pay to attend, is more like “toilet paper relocation” not stealing (that’s what I tell myself at night).
out of toilet paper
Have you ever stolen anything before? Give us the deets in the comments!