Should I Become Friends With Benefits With My Ex?

Friends With Benefits

Best idea? Stay away from your ex. | Source: CollegeCrush

Dear Heather,

I was in a relationship with my ex for a year and two months, but we broke up a few weeks ago. I want to get back with him, but he only wants to be friends with benefits… Is that a good idea?

The short answer, in my honest opinion, is this: absolutely not. No, no, no. Getting into a friends with benefits relationship with anyone rarely works out, and becoming FWB with your ex, especially so soon after your breakup, is almost destined to end in heartbreak. Here’s why:

Have you ever heard the expression ‘why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free’? That might sound blunt and a little harsh, but in most cases, it also ends up being very true. It sounds like your ultimate motive here is to get your ex to be in a real relationship with you again. And it sounds like his ultimate motive is to hook up. By agreeing to be FWB with him with no strings attached, you’re giving him exactly what he wants: casual hookups AND complete freedom. He’s getting the best of both worlds, and why would he want to change that?

Vanessa & Zac supposedly tried it... didn't work out. | Source: EOnline

I know it’s hard to hear that, because I know you want to believe that spending time with you again will make him realize he misses you. And while it’s possible, it probably isn’t going to happen. You guys broke up for a reason, and maybe that reason is that you’re not supposed to be together right now. If your ex did want to get back together with you, he would say that. He wouldn’t be asking to be friends with benefits. Guys don’t normally beat around the bush when it comes to their feelings.

The major concern here is how you’re going to end up feeling. You might think you’re okay with casual encounters with your ex, but since you obviously still have feelings for him, it’s only going to hurt you. He won’t be able to give you what you want, and you’ll be compromising yourself for him – that doesn’t sound very fair to you at all, if you ask me.

After a breakup, the best thing to do is to take some time completely apart in order to move on. Hooking up with him randomly is definitely not the way to get over him. I’m not saying you have to fight with this dude, but keep your distance for a little while. If he really, truly misses you, he’ll try to get you back. In the meantime, focus on yourself and what you really deserve.

take care,

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Posted in: Friends With Benefits, Health, Sex & Relationships, Help Me Heather, Help&Advice, Hooking Up, Love Advice, Love&Sex, Relationships, Sex, Sucky Emotions
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  • lady j

    Whether it’s your ex,someone you are dating,or friend. Once you have been intimate.It changes things. Especially with most women. It just does. We are emotional. Not all women. It’s usually best to to step away,limit contact. Unless you both want to pursue a magnanimous relationship. If not waste precious energy or time someone who don’t want the same. Hear him and listen! If he realizes after time apart. If you are available,or even interested. Fine.Let him court you and show you. Action speaks louder than words! You are worthy.

  • Kindadifferent

    I don’t agree with the comments about males just wanting sex. Me and my boyfriend split a few days ago (together almost for a year) and though it was a messy break up and very emotional, we decided that a “last time” could probably be helpful just to get closure and end on a good note in stead of a bad. But I know he is very worried about me feeling like I’ve been used, and because we were each other’s first, he was very considerate about me and made sure I was okay to do this and so on. And he also reassured me at the time that if I wasn’t wanting to it was fine and we’d still be together and stuff. So if you are FwB or thinking about it, remember that it’s not just guys who can only be after you for sex, and FwB with your ex, though a dodgy and dangerous place to go to, can work out for the better. But only if all feelings are gone for both of you, otherwise one of you will just be doing it to spend time with the other still caught up in the idea of getting back together.

  • the silly one

    well im in a FWB relation ship now and we broke up like 3 weeks ago and I love it to spent time with him. He broke up with me because Im really bussy And i didnt have a lot of time with him. Idk what to do now i really like him and he said he didnt liked me before but just normale. And he said lets be Fwb so i stil can be with you without the relationship crack.

    And i said ok but I like to kiss and stuff with him bus i feel like used…

    A Silly Girl

  • A confused girl

    Well,, to be honest.. This FWB relationship with an ex aint good at all..but us as girls we seem not to consider the outcome in the future.. As we speak I am also in the same situation and want out..the only reason I am still in the relationship is because I am hoping it will take us somewhere,true it wont be that easy but I know my ex too well,we were together for about 3years so theres a lil chance of getting back together.. Though my hopes are not too much..

    • DaveJ

      I have just entered this realm with my ex (I am male) relationship broke up due to abortion at early stages, trying to reconcile, ex just wants space/freedom/time and has not ruled anything out but lets just say she’s not chomping at the bit!!! However am just like you, slept together the other eve, was joyous, emotional for both so am going to try the same tactic. It seems such a minefield of emotions, easiest to just walk away as am aware that she has all the benefits of a relationship with me with none of the responsibility of actually having one. Have also a lingering thought that as soon as she finds someone she’ll be gone, but to her credit, she is not actively looking and states she has no interest in a relationship with anyone. We however get on better now than we did before the relationship broke up, except I get a little needy from time to time which is slowly subsiding!

  • Abby

    In this girl’s case, the advice was completely right. NEVER get into a FWB relationship if there are still lingering feelings, or if you think you might get back together. I’m in a FWB relationship with my ex, but we broke up a long time ago, and we actually remained friends, and none of us has any expectations of getting into a relationship, we’re both mature enough to know that this is not going anywhere serious, especially since I’m moving next year.

  • mandy

    yeah ths thang of frands wth bnfts is nt gud at all

  • Xyrelle

    Just gOt into this FWB thing a month ago, but somethig already happened evn before we agreed to be fwb. and this guy is my best friend and my ex. After we broke up 7mos ago, i got depressed to the point my family had to brin me to a psychiatrist because i was cutting myself and over dosing myself with antidepressants. I admit, i agrred to this fwb thingbecause there’s a small part of me that ‘s still hoping that we would be together again. I know that in commiting to the agreement, honesty is a must. But i lied to him when he asked me if i had still feelings for him, i told him no. And he said good, because i dont want you to get hurt and i dont want you to go through your cutting again. I dont know when will this end, im just trying to convince myself that this is nothing , in that case my feelings MIGHT fade. For those who are jin a FWB situation, you guys know hard it is to stop right? Even if you try to think of yourself and what you deserve, you still cant stop. WHAT SHOULD I DO??? 🙁

  • A girl was in the same situation

    Totallyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy agreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

  • Deborah

    I should have read this article like one year ago. Never have a ‘benefit’ with your ex, please. I though it would end well, but on the new year’s eve, we had an ultimate fight that took me to a 2-days in a hospital and a lot of controlled medicine to heal my depression. Unfortunately I still see him every Saturday, because we’re Scouts, and it’s being kinda hard to deal with it. I though he would get back together with me like.. a thousand times but he is too stupid for that.

    A friend’s advice: listen/read to Heather and don’t be FWB with your ex. If you still love him, give him some time, and give you some time too. Men only want to have sex, that’s the real point. Don’t be ‘just another girl’ in his life…

    Hope you think about it, because it’s not good to be someone’s ‘special meal’…

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