My First Time Getting A Guy Off


getting a guy off

It just wasn't happening! Source: AccidentalPenis.com

My boyfriend and I had progressed rapidly from kissing, to tongue-kissing, to awkward over-the-clothes groping, to sticking our hands down each other’s pants and fumbling around. (What we lacked in skill, we made upin vigor.)

But despite our enthusiastic attempts to round third base, tugging on his junk never yielded the result I expected. Even with my admitted relative lack of experience, there were two things I knew for sure about getting a guy off: first, it wasn’t complicated (I mean, how difficult could it be if a guy was able to do it, hands-free, in his sleep?), and second, it involved moans of pleasure and spurting liquids.

Strangely, when our makeout sessions concluded, there was never any conclusion. No moans, no spurting, no evidence of orgasmic anything.

Eventually, this happened. Source: juxtapoz.com/gallery/brian-ulrich

I tried to ask my boyfriend about it — “Why doesn’t your penis go SPEW like they said in sex ed class?”–but that only made him become evasive and he refused to discuss it. And so we kept on going, and I kept on tugging, and nothing kept happening … until suddenly, one day, he leapt up mid-handjob and ran from the room with a horrified expression and his pants around his knees.

“What’s wrong?” I called after him. No answer. “What’s wrong?!” I shouted, leaping off the couch and preparing to run after him. “What’s wr–”

And then I stepped in it.

Twenty handjobs worth of frustrated sperm, kept imprisoned by a guy too embarrassed to ejaculate in front of me, finally free from their scrotal prison. Free, and seeping into the linoleum from a puddle so large that it seemed impossible that it could have come from one human being.

I had to throw out my socks.

What’s the funniest thing that’s ever happened to you while you were hooking up? Tell us in the comments!

Now, You’ll never believe how this girl’s panties ended up in the produce aisle!


Posted in: Health, Sex & Relationships, Hookup Confessions, Love&Sex
Tags: , , , ,
  • Shea

    HAHA OMG.

  • MorganGabrielle

    hHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH I JUST LAUGHED THROUGH THE STORY AND THE COMMENTS. LMAOOOOO

  • Ashley

    AWW that so Hilariously cute

  • Christian

    That made me laugh so hard. I have no idea what I would do in that situation. lol t[o_0]–+| o|

  • Hot Nerd

    people at mi school (including me) always wonders what does it smell like????

    - someone tell me im curious

    • Tiffanyy

      The smell varies, but my boyfriends smells sort of like..bleach or metallic. I know that probably sounds like “wtf” but I actually really like it

    • Liz

      The smell can be harsher or milder, depending on the guy, body chemistry, and diet. But most guys have a chlorine/ bleach like scent to their sperm.

  • Haylee

    LOL!!! :D

  • Parker1994

    Oh that is very funny. I seriously just loled out loud.

  • kailina

    hahaha, omg I love this story. One time I was giving a boyfriend a handjob, and like this gurl it was the first time I got a result, but instead of my guy running away and his stuff ending up on the floor, his stuff flew up, out of his body, and into the air, and worst of all….my hair!!!
    thanx for the laughs gurls!

    • Breanna

      OMFG!!!!! HAHAHHAHAHA!!! LOL

    • Aria

      Apparently, the stuff that comes out of their dicks, is actually really healthy for your hair and skin because it has proteins in it. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but hey!

  • Ansa

    lmfao….so funny

  • Maggie

    HAHAHAHAHA i jjust legit loled :DDD

  • Makake

    what is that