getting a guy off

It just wasn't happening! Source: AccidentalPenis.com

My boyfriend and I had progressed rapidly from kissing, to tongue-kissing, to awkward over-the-clothes groping, to sticking our hands down each other’s pants and fumbling around. (What we lacked in skill, we made upin vigor.)

But despite our enthusiastic attempts to round third base, tugging on his junk never yielded the result I expected. Even with my admitted relative lack of experience, there were two things I knew for sure about getting a guy off: first, it wasn’t complicated (I mean, how difficult could it be if a guy was able to do it, hands-free, in his sleep?), and second, it involved moans of pleasure and spurting liquids.

Strangely, when our makeout sessions concluded, there was never any conclusion. No moans, no spurting, no evidence of orgasmic anything.

Eventually, this happened. Source: juxtapoz.com/gallery/brian-ulrich

I tried to ask my boyfriend about it — “Why doesn’t your penis go SPEW like they said in sex ed class?”–but that only made him become evasive and he refused to discuss it. And so we kept on going, and I kept on tugging, and nothing kept happening … until suddenly, one day, he leapt up mid-handjob and ran from the room with a horrified expression and his pants around his knees.

“What’s wrong?” I called after him. No answer. “What’s wrong?!” I shouted, leaping off the couch and preparing to run after him. “What’s wr–”

And then I stepped in it.

Twenty handjobs worth of frustrated sperm, kept imprisoned by a guy too embarrassed to ejaculate in front of me, finally free from their scrotal prison. Free, and seeping into the linoleum from a puddle so large that it seemed impossible that it could have come from one human being.

I had to throw out my socks.

What’s the funniest thing that’s ever happened to you while you were hooking up? Tell us in the comments!

Now, You’ll never believe how this girl’s panties ended up in the produce aisle!

getting a guy off