From The Boards: Should You Ask Your BF How Many People He’s Slept With?

Boyfriend's Number

Who cares who he was with in the past? He's with you now!

It’s totally normal to wonder how many people your sweetie was with before you – actually, it’s totally normal to wonder how many people anyone has slept with. We’re human, and we think about these things. But does that mean it’s really any of your business? Is it a necessary thing to know about the person you’re sleeping with (or going to sleep with)?

Since it’s such a tricky question to ask, and since a lot of people lie about their number anyway, we’re always thinking about this issue over at Gurl. When we spotted it in the message boards, we knew we had to ask you guys what your opinion is. Read what these girls had to say, and then let us know what you think: is it okay to ask a dude how many people they had sex with before you?

pmaphlet asked:
So how do you guys think you could ask a guy how many girls he’s been with/ what his number is? Is this reasonable to ask a guy? I mean if you’re going to be in a serious relationship with someone, isn’t it a LITTLE necessary to know their number, just in case you’re worried about STDs and stuff? Do all you know your boyfriends “number”?

greenbeans23 replied and said:
I think it’s perfectly reasonable to want to know how many sexual partners he’s had and to ask him. Just straight up ask him, “how many people have you had sex with?” If you two are going to be having sex you should be comfortable enough for your partner to know these things. At least that’s how I feel.

Does it really matter?

iamsodrunk replied and said:
I don’t think it’s necessary to know at all. The number of people someone has been with and their STD status is not related. Someone can have sex with one person (or nobody!) and have an STD. Alternatively, someone could have sex with 30 people and have no STD. If you’re worried about STDs, ask them specifically about STDs and consider going to get tested with them. But if you’re just curious about their number, I think it’s important to realize that someone’s sexual history isn’t necessarily your business. So I usually ask by, “you don’t have to answer this if you don’t feel comfortable, but… how many people have you had sex with?” Simple, straight forward, and respectful of their privacy.But if you’ve asked him already and he hasn’t told you a number, I’d take that as a clue that he considers that his private business.

We definitely have to agree with iamsodrunk … it’s not necessary to know what your BF’s number is, and what she said about STDs is totally correct. The number of people someone has slept with is a personal thing, and it’s entirely up to your BF if he wants to tell you. So while you can ask if it’s really bugging you, he doesn’t have to fill you in.

Also, think about it this way: what is knowing his number really going to do for you? If you find out he’s been with way more people than you, it might end up making you feel weird, jealous or like you can’t measure up (which you shouldn’t!). The thing is, how many people someone was with before you really doesn’t matter in your current relationship – all that matters it that they’re only sleeping with you now.

Do you ask your boyfriends what their numbers are? Would you tell other people what your number is? Who do you agree with? Tell us in the comments.


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Posted in: Discuss, Discuss, Health, Sex & Relationships, Hooking Up, Love&Sex, Relationships, Sex, STDs & STIs, Virginity, Your Body
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  • Anne

    Every time I have a new boyfriend I ask him how far he’s gone, (if he’s had sex) How many times he’s done it, and how many people he’s done it with. I’m a nosey person and I like to know these things because it helps me to know what he expects of me and what he’s into.

  • Nicole

    From the moment I met my future b/f I wanted to know everything about him because I was so infatuated with him, that included his history with girls. Two years later, we are still together and in love and I found my self wallowing today in his number. Him and I were participating in something he used to do with another girl and I fell in the inevitable emotional pit. Sometimes I wish I never knew because I think it haunts me more than him, but at the same time, if the number is too high, I would definitely head for the hills. That’s a reflection of character and integrity. You need to know what kind of man you’re with.

  • AngelMarie

    You should have a right to know! My fiancé lied to me from that start of the relationship. He was the one I lost my virginity to, my first love. He told me one at the beginning of the relationship. It’s four years later and today I wind out that he lied. It hurts me so bad to know that he lied and has slept with 5 girls. I feel so betrayed. I feel so inexperienced and that the sex isn’t as good as any of the past girls. So you should ask, and be honest when they ask you.

    • sophie

      wow, thats amazing.. now try finding our the love of your life has slept with 30!!

    • marie

      Omg I completely understand! Thats kind of how mine is too. My bf says he’s been 4 or 5 girls but can only name 4 including me but says “5” to give himself leeway in case he forgot someone… like really??

      • eyeamnicegirl

        What he is really saying is that the number is well over 5, but only 4 of them would you have any reason to know about (like he dated them for extended periods of time, and it is sort of obvious that he had sex with them). He added an extra one, just in case one of his more random hookups, like in college or while on vacation, is accidentally discovered by you (like he goes to one of his college buddy’s weddings, and his hookup partner also comes to the wedding and doesn’t know how to keep her mouth shut).

  • prettybabe

    I know my bf has slept with 3 of my best friends. I knew he liked me when he was dating them only because he used to tell them he thought I was very pretty.I know he nearly got Tanya pregnant but hes broken up with her recently. I have hooked up with him and I go to his place all the time, after school. I know, if anyone found out, he would get into so much trouble because of my age. I didnt tell him I was a virgin, though I am sure he knew that, when he undressed me and when I had sex with him for the first time. It was obvious because I was new to it all and I am sure he knew this was totally new to me from the way I reacted. I don’t know what it is about him but he is so hot and I can see how girls like him, even those as young as I am.

    • LuckyInLove

      This guys sounds like bad news. Not just for you, but for your friendships as well.

  • zee

    i think you should be able to ask and he should be able to ask you. yea it is personal but its just a number whats there to hide? If your having a relationship where you tell each other at least almost everything that should be easy to talk about. I personally dont think he should have to tell you who it was (and honestly i dont want to know) because that is actually really personal. if more people would keep that part to themselves, some females at least would have it a lot easier.

  • Barbie doll

    I need help! I been with my boyfriend for two years and I know a girl he slept with in his past so it really bugs me and idk what to do and since I know her I feel he thinks of her. He told me he doesnt cause he never.loved her. Am going crazy and idk what to do my mind tells me dumb things

  • ToBeHonest

    My previous boyfriend I expected was not a virgin. I had known him for two years before we dated and I had already lost my virginity to someone else. I wanted him to be my special second but wanted to know about his possible sexual past. But I was too afraid to ask him about it so I asked one of my best friends do it for me. That best friend is a guy, so I thought it wouldn’t be awkward. He and I are as close as brother and sister. He knew that this was important for me and he was willing to do it. So one day at school he approached my boyfriend and asked him. My “brother” told me he looked hesitant but told him he couldn’t answer the question. I thought I would never get to know the truth but later on that night my boyfriend told me about his day and what my “brother” had asked him. I pretended that I didn’t care if he told me. But he thought that I should know because he cared about me. He had indeed slept with only one girl but he told me not to worry about it because he loved me and didn’t want to rush me into anything.

    I shouldn’t have been a coward and should have just asked him directly. He really did care about me and I loved how honest and comfortable he was with telling me.

    You shouldn’t be afraid to ask your boyfriend/girlfriend about their past because you might be surprised with how they really feel about you.

  • virgo-gurl

    Usually I don’t care but because me and my boyfriend are so close I wanted to know. Especially cause he’s an X man whore… It bothered me so I was straight forward with him

  • Desiray

    Yes I want to know! If I numbers are way different, I say 1 and you say 12, I’m running! And if you don’t want to tell me I’ll assume the worst and run anyway.

    • princess

      I totally agree with you! I mean if I am a virgin and you have slept with many more people i am probably leaving you. I feel like if I am in a serious relationship or we are gonna be intimate sexually i have the right to know. If they don’t want to tell me they don’t have to but I am probably not staying with them…

  • fruitypebbles

    i’d wanna know because it’s kinda like sleeping with everyone they’ve ever slept with.i know i asked my bff before i slept with you should too.

  • Neicy

    I don’t want to know! I’m 20 years old, a virgin, and i’ve never dated. Most people my age, or the guys I like (i’m more attracted to older guys) are not virgins. I’ve yet to meet a single one. So I know if the number convo comes up I’ll have to say mine is zero and honestly I dont care about theirs.
    As long as your STD free (which I will want to see a paper saying it if we decide to stop using condoms) I dont care. I think it might be worse to know their number. I know my crush’s number is very hight and I dont want to know the total, ever.

  • Jackie

    Although I agree with both greenbeans and iamsodrunk, I feel as if I’m more on greenbeans side. Yes he has the right to not tell you but it isn’t just his business if you guys are in a serious relationship. If you guys are just FWB then well it’s not that big of a deal, but if you’re dating and having thoughts about getting intimate with him then you have the right to ask him if it’s bothering you. I mean it’s not like you’re asking for names, addresses, Facebook profiles, etc. Don’t pressure him into telling you though because that is just crossing the line. With that being said, I want to point out that’s just my perspective and that this topic shouldn’t be made into a big deal worth fighting over.

  • kendra joy bethune

    i’m okay with not knowing i know not every girl feels like me i don’t pry i don’t find it nessacry i look toward the future if a guy wants to tell a girl i think she should know i told my last boyfriend i did’nt find that nessarcry i can always catch the doors vh1 document it is not anything i want to know i see that as prying some guys may not like that

  • sam

    I sorta found out through a mutual kinda thing. I told him that I’m a virgin and he told me he wasn’t. Nether of us judged each other, but I didn’t ask what his number wa. If he was comfortable enough to tell me that he wasn’t a virgin then I just assumed whatever he didn’t tell me was because he didn’t Want to.

  • H.B.C

    Of course a woman has to know what she’s getting herself into. You should be able to count how man many you’ve slept wit and if he asked you the same question, wouldnt you want to know???

  • April

    I don’t think it’s that important to know. The past is the past! What would be more important is to know his current ‘status’.

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  • Becky

    Well yeeh i think its okay to ask, if your boyfriend decides that he doesn’t what to tell U then he don’t have to but if you ask and he is fin with it, then you have got your question answered! anyway im sore he would want to know how many people u slept with too, it just depends on the type of person u are and him!

  • CerebralComa

    I think it really depends on how serious you are with your significant other. Personally, my significant other and I have a “no secrets” policy. We don’t keep anything from each other because we believe that in order to have a strong relationship, you should feel totally comfortable telling the person anything. I agree that the number of people you have slept with has nothing to do with STDs. But my partner and I felt that, with each other, having no secrets made our relationship stronger.

    • Anonymous

      i like this ceredral

    • Hal

      I agree with CerebralComa. My boyfriend and I are long distance and have decided the only way our relationship will survive the distance is to have totally open and honest communication. It did come up a few months ago, and although it was uncomfortable I’m happy we got it out of the way. Neither one of us wants to think about the other’s sexual past, but your history makes you who you are. The answer didn’t change how we felt about each other at all.

  • Anonymous

    maybe not so much the number but the people, if i knew my boyfriend had slept with this one chick that is obviously a “slut” i’m going to be worried