Have A “We Need To Talk” Talk Without Fighting

need to talk

It isn't always as easy as it looks!

Hey girl, we need to talk. No, not about our relationship–about yours, and how you talk to your cuddlebunny!

If you’re in a relationship longer than 15 minutes, it’s guaranteed that some serious stuff is going to come up. That’s life. You won’t agree on everything even with your best girlfriends or boyfriends, but it’s how you bring this stuff up that makes all the difference.

Maybe your family fought like cats and dogs but it was all love. Your boo could have been raised in a home where nobody raised a voice but tension and anger were there daily. Either way, if we’re gonna get along we need to know how to say the stuff that sucks without getting into a brawl.

According to The Center for Nonviolent Communication, whenever we feel tense, embarrassed, angry, disappointed or frustrated it means that our needs are not getting met. However, you need to ask yourself before confronting the other person whether these are needs you should be meeting for yourself. If not, it’s time to talk it out.

DO express yourself.
So many of us have been taught to just “play nice.” This doesn’t mean that you allow people to walk over you. If your boyfriend expects you to go where he wants, hang with his friends and watch only his favorite shows? Speak up! You never need to sacrifice who you are for love.

Um, Kate? This is not the time to tell him you're annoyed with him!

DON’T talk about the issue in the middle of the crisis.
When you’re already in an emotionally charged situation, this is not the time to bring up sticky subjects. Suppose your guy’s sister is always mean to you. Bringing up the situation when he’s dealing with another problem isn’t going to help anything. Talk about it the next day.

DO listen and accept feedback.
Communication is a two-way street. Once you put your grievance out there make sure you hear what the other person has to say. Don’t assume that he’s acting like a jerk on purpose. He could be totally unaware that you feel humiliated when he calls you your childhood nickname “Pookina.”

Talking things over can bring you even closer!

DON’T wait until things escalate to talk about them.
You may have a lot in common but nobody can read your mind. Address issues as they come up. Explain how you feel using “I” language rather than accusatory “you” language. For example instead of “You hurt me” try “I feel hurt when you don’t show up for me.”

It’s a big planet and we’ve all gotta share it, especially with the ones we love most. Don’t let your relationship go down the tubes when it could all come down to a matter of communication.
Happy dating–and happy talking! What’s the toughest thing you’ve had to talk over with a sweetie? Tell us in comments!

Now, see how you can turn friendship into real love!

Posted in: Health, Sex & Relationships, Love&Sex, Relationships, Sucky Emotions, Uncategorized, Your Life
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  • rushi


  • bridgite

    I need to talk with my significant other about some issues i have noticed but he hasn’t
    its gonna be hard but i will give it a shot. This advice was needed but I’m still weiry of the situation comin up.

  • Lucy

    “DON’T talk about the issue in the middle of the crisis.”

    Excellent advice! I was going through a tough time with school. I’d had a lot of stress put on me and was also tired and run-down. I hadn’t had my support system around me for ages because I’d been so busy and when I finally saw my boyfriend I freaked out, had a massive meltdown and split up with him. Worst. Idea. Ever. I’m on a mission to try and get him back but I’ve learnt my lesson: no decision making until I’ve had 8h sleep and a week sitting on a beach somewhere sunny!!!

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  • chey_livingston@kindle.com

    I had to tell my boyfriend that I didn’t like that his mom was always on my case. She was always asking me why I chose to ruin her son’s life. I really loved the guy but when I confronted him about it he got all aggressive and dumped me.