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Don't let him make you feel like the second choice.
Everyone knows that getting over a first love, or just an ex in general, is not an easy thing to do. In fact, some people say that they never really get over their exes. So when your current sweetie admits that they’ll always have a spot in their heart for their ex, how are you supposed to deal?
It’s easy to say dump the dude and move on. But what if you can kind of understand where they’re coming from? We saw this post about this subject in the message boards, and it made us wonder how others feel about this: what would you do if your sweetie admitted they weren’t completely over their ex? Read these responses and then tell us your opinion.
shishorty said:
So I’ve been exclusive with this guy for about 2 weeks now. I’ve already taken a lot of risks with him because of his past. He recently told me about his ex, which got me asking questions. They were together for somewhere around 5 years on-and-off… But they’ve been broken up for 3-ish years. He told me he still has feelings for her and probably always will because of their history together, but that wasn’t going to change anything between him and I. He said they still talk, just to see how each other is doing, and have recently hung out, but that she knows about me. I’m not really worried about this, just because I know he’s very honest with me, I was just wondering what you guys think about this?
He needs to fix this before he can be totally into you.
hero_of_the_day replied and said:
I wouldn’t like that because he says he still has feelings… yes, there have been guys I’ve REALLY liked in the past, but I wouldn’t date someone else if I still had those feelings. There’s a difference between not forgetting someone and not being over them.
stayclassy replied and said:
I think that if you really like him you could give it a shot. But if you do, then definitely take things slow and see how it goes with him… if he ever gets over her, if you’re okay with it. I mean who knows… you could either wake up one day and say “forget it, I want to be the ONLY one” OR he could get over her. See how it goes.
This is kind of a tricky situation, but in the end, we’re going to have to say that if your BF isn’t over his ex, he probably isn’t ready for a relationship, no matter what he tells you or himself. We have to agree with hero_of_the_day when she says that there’s a difference between not forgetting someone and not being over them. There’s no reason for your sweetie to completely forget about his/her exes, but they shouldn’t still have feelings for them.
When it comes to relationships, every girl deserves someone who will give her all of the attention and love that she deserves. If your guy is still hung up on his ex, he’s not emotionally ready to be someone else’s boyfriend. Think about how you would feel if you weren’t over your ex – would you be able to put your all into your new relationship? Probably not.
Who do you agree with? Would you date someone who wasn’t over their ex? Tell us in the comments.
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Met a wonderful guy two months ago. Was everything I wanted in a man. I could tell right away he wasn’t over his ex wife of 15 years. They have 3 children together and are in constant contact. It was a lose-lose situation for me right away because the ex decided that she wanted him back. He was torn I could tell because he really liked me but he eventually chose the ex. I expect a phone call/text from him one day saying he made a mistake by going back to his ex. But, I can’t be with someone I can’t trust. I’m too good of a woman to be second best. My advice to other women in this situation is to stop imagining a reality where this man who’s been with you for months will suddenly get over his ex. Because he won’t. They just try to bury it and hide it from you. Something about the way men are wired that they find it attractive, challenging to “get back” with the one that hurt them the most. Let him go and find someone who really deserves you.
No I would not. I am currently living with my ex/baby father and during our break up found someone new. He told her he still has feelings for me (5 year tionship). He is currently lying to her about our living arrangements and us till sleeping together. He says we are livin together for the kids but we hav a two bedroom house we share the same bed and everything. It is my advise to make sure he is completely over his ex because things like this happen. He told her it was over with us but how did we end up living together if he hated me soo bad? He jumped right into this relationship with her after we broke up. I figured he was seeing her the time we were together. However it is obvious he still loves me. We do everything together.
I’m in kind of a same situation now and I don’t know what to do! Its been 2 and a half years of our relationship and this ex thingy has gotten worse. My bf told me at the beginning of our relationship that they didn’t go out for long (maybe few months or so) but she is a very good friend of his now. The weird part is whenever the topic comes up he keeps saying that they broke up cause of other people creating problems in their relation “so they had to” and I get a strange vibe that he would be with her if it was up to him totally. I also keeps saying that she is just a very very good friend now. At first I was ok with them talking and hanging out with her when he goes back to visit his home country. (* he is not canadian and she lives back where he is from). But recently I stalked him (cause of the series of lovey dovey text msgs to a he got caught with) and found out that he calls her (international calls!! *expensive) every now and then to wake her up on time for work so she won’t be late. I saw a picture of her in his computer that he recently was trying to Photoshop whereas its not even his hobby or sth.
I don’t know what to do! Is this right? Need some advice!
If the guys are not over from their ex than why they need another one. Please girl don’t try to make fool yourself by waiting a man like that. Becoz such things happen to me also. We met as a friend before two years.At that time I did not know that he has gf but I don’t mind about anything because I am just a friend of him. Later he propose me by showing the message about their break up even though I did not belief him as I don’t have such kind of feeling towards him.But passing by time I accept him. But our relation is running smoothly by time, rough time came in front of me when I saw the message and special mail from his ex gf side.At that time I shut up my mouth to know the real things.Later I came to know that they are in relation just making me a fool and have a regular communicating.One thing is they are in different country but he is going her country for some reason and meeting them.At that time I felt very helpless and hurt a lot.But I thought that it’s not a good to hurt yourself for the others nonsense work.So I tried my best to forget everything what was happen to me.Until now we are together but I am recovering myself by seeing him and recalling his fake love.He wanted to settle down his life with me but I ignored his words and told him directly that I don’t want to ruin my life by accepting you as my husband. I exactly don’t know I have done right or wrong but I will never regret about my decision because he has cheated me from the first day to until now means almost two years. He is thinking that I don’t know about him and his continue relationship with his ex until now.
r u still together??
I’ve been seeing this guy for almost a year. He told me from the beginning he wasn’t over his ex; they were together for 8 years and he really loved her. And that he didn’t want anything real serious right away. I was recovering from a pretty horrible break-up myself, so I wasn’t looking for anything serious either. We agreed that if things went well, we would work on something more serious. He turned out to be this really great guy. Sweet, witty, fun, wonderful. Everything a girl looks for in a guy.
When we first met, we only saw each other once or twice a month, because our work schedules were so hectic. But the more we got to know each other, the more he made a point of spending more time with me. He goes out of his way to make sure I’m happy and if he thinks he did something to hurt my feelings, he gets very upset and tries very hard to make up for it. (despite the fact that I’ve told him over and over that he has never done anything to hurt me) A few times we have talked about the more serious relationship, but he said he wasn’t ready yet.
Recently we discussed it again, because I’m at a point that I know that I love this man. It was something I was afraid to admit to him, but the time had come to tell him how I felt. He told me that he still isn’t over her yet, and that although he really cared about me a lot, he couldn’t fully give his heart to me. He finally told me the details of their breakup and I admit, it was pretty horrible, what she did to him. I can understand how devastating it was to him. I told him if he wanted me to back off I would. So here’s the thing. He said no. He doesn’t want me to. He wants to keep seeing me. Even though he isn’t ready, he cares about me. He likes where things are going with us, he just isn’t as far along in the healing process as I am and needs more time; that he is trying to get over her. I know he is trying because more than once he has accidentally sent reply text that was meant for her to my phone instead. Every time she starts trying to talk to him again, he tells her to leave him alone; that he is trying to move on with his life and she needs to let him get over her. So he knows that she’s bad for him, but it still hurts.
He says that if we get too serious before he’s ready, it won’t work and both of us will end up getting hurt. And he’s right.
But here’s where I’m at. I’ve never met anyone like him. Nobody has ever treated me as good as him, and I’ve never been as happy as I have when I’m with him. In fact, he made me realize how unhappy I was until I met him. And he tries really hard to make sure I’m happy. He has forced me to move out of my comfort zone and take my life back. He is honest and upfront about everything with me, which is something that means a lot to me. Since our recent talk, when he talks about his future, he talks as though I will always be there in his life. This is new for him. These are all good things, I know. So my question is, do I keep being patient and let him work it out, or do I move on and find someone else? He says I make him happy and that when he’s ready to move forward, I am the woman he wants to do that with. I know that the more time we spend together, the more open he is with me. There is progress there. It’s just painfully slow. So do I allow us to keep going in the direction we’re going?
Hi Dj, I am currently here in your position only in the earlier stages. I met a man out of the blue through mutual acquaintances, only to find out he just got out of a relationship. When asking my friends about him, they told me he was emotionally unavailable. So a day after meeting him, he decides to get in touch with me unexpectedly. We start communicating, getting to know each other, and sharing things we’ve never said to anyone else before. He repeatedly would tell me how much he’s over it and that he’s ready to let go and move on, and parts of me believed it. We had spent good quality time together and began to see potential in each other. When I thought things were going great, he shocked me with some information. he told me apart of him wasn’t over it, and that it wouldn’t be fair to me if he couldn’t completely give himself to me with lingering thoughts of her. One day, I couldn’t take it anymore and said that I couldn’t be second best, guess that makes me a selfish person. He emotionally brokedown and told me that it wasn’t fair because as much as he wants to get over it, apart of him cannot. I feel for him because it was only about 2 months ago when they split. (It wasn’t pretty either). But here I am, the perfect girl, as he states, right in front of his eyes, but he still dwells on someone that he couldn’t be himself around and was unhappy with. I truly like him and see so much potential, but can’t help sometimes when we’re together to wonder, “is he thinking of her right this moment??” it hurts a lot.. and sometimes he can tell when something is bothering me.. I can’t ever admit it though. SO hereafter, he realized that he didn’t want the opportunity to lose me.. (of course) said he’d be stupid not to. He wanted to move forward with me and only me, even though he wasn’t completely over it. I was a sucker
and fell for it. We talked about taking things day by day and nothing quite serious until it was time to. in the back of my head though, i feel like Im his crutch in his healing process and feel used and an option by default. How will i know that when the day comes when he sees her again and she miraculously wants him back, that he really would choose me..? I honestly don’t know, and that’s such an uneasy emotion. he says if they got back together, it’d never work, trying to build justification for me I guess.. but actions to me speak much louder. I want to look out for myself, but its so hard when you feel like you’re falling for someone. These feelings are rare to me to feel in the first place, and so when i Do, i want to hang on. your thoughts?
Really, every person is different. If you think he’s worth it, be patient with him. Me and my boyfriend are still together. We are still taking things slowly, but we are a lot further along than we were when I first posted this. He may be hesitant, but he’s still there, and he’s there for me. I end up in the hospital a few weeks back, and he’s the only one that kept checking in on me. My own family didn’t come see me, and only one friend visited me while I was there. Not knowing what attracted him to me, I worried that he might lose interest. You see, I can’t walk right now, and haven’t been able to since the beginning of the month. I don’t know if this is permanent or not. But he doesn’t care. In fact, he seems to want to be around me even more now. Not just me, but my kids as well. I think my kids are a big part of why he’s been so slow with me. He didn’t have kids with his ex, but she had kids when they met and he raised them as his own. He loved those kids, and it hurt him when they were gone. Because they weren’t his, he has no legal right to see them, and she won’t let him. I know that he worries about that with my kids, but lately he has been finding things for us to do that includes the kids, like movies and bowling.
And while he has not yet told me he loves me, he is more openly affectionate with me in front of our friends; something that he was uncomfortable with before. He’s also much more open with me than he was before. He’s not a very open person at all, so I know this is a big thing for him. I know from experience that sometimes it’s hard to get over someone you love, even when they betray you. I’ve been there and I truly understand how he feels. It was where I was when I met my ex, and I did keep him at arm’s length at the beginning of our relationship. We were together for 19 years and would still be together if he hadn’t completely betrayed me and our kids. So I guess my advice is evaluate your situation. Is the relationship good outside of the fact that he is holding back? Is he worth the wait? If the answer is yes, then give him a chance. But if there is any doubt in your mind, maybe take a step back and see if there is someone better out there.
Right now i’m dating a guy that broke up with his gf of a year a while ago this relationship is the most stressful i’ve ever been in… his ex and him still talk and a month ago he told me that he still loved her but he wants to be with me. he still has pictures of her in his phone and I didn’t go through his messages because I was afraid of what i might find. His ex knows that they’re broken up and I check her facebook to see anything about the both of them and there’s nothing no evidence of him cheating or them still chatting in a flirtatious manner. If it was up to me I would cut him off from her completely but i know that it’s not my place too. i’ve brought this up a million times to him and it always ends up with us arguing that i don’t trust him and I’m too self-couscious. I’m at a wits end I don’t know if I have trust issues and i’m overreacting or is this something that i need to be worried about… things are already serious between us but I’m scared to go further into this knowing that he’s not over her . It’s just a big mess =/
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I had a boyfriend who was still in love with his ex. Naturally I loved him. I thought he loved me too but he was just saying that. I still love him even after he cheated on me with her. Ps: he had the nerve to dump me on my birthday and then call me and make me cry on Christmas. Despite everything he is the one I lOve even after all the things he’s put me through.
I was in a similar situation when I first started dating my boyfriend. Within a month I could see he wasn’t over is ex. He still talked to her and talked about her and it did bother me but i valued his honesty about the whole thing and within 2 months he slowly stopped talking to and about his ex. He realized that he was over their relationship and said he wanted to focus on what he had with me. We’ve been together six and a half months and are incredibly happy. He deleted her from facebook and from his phone and is incredibly dedicated to me. I think once a guy realizes that he wants what he has with you more than what he had with his ex, he’ll start to get over his ex. All it takes is time.
I completely agree that this is one of those relationships best left until you are both emotionally available. My ex and I met a month or so before he broke up with his girlfriend and began dating about 3 weeks later and though our relationship lasted 4 months it turned out that he was cheating on me with her for much of that time. Had we maybe waited until he was completely sure a relationship with me was what he wanted instead of jumping right into it, our relationship would likely have been better (or maybe it would have never developed, which I would have preferred over catching him cheating!) Take your time, be friends, but don’t jump into a relationship with someone that isn’t ready, it isn’t worth being hurt over.