From The Boards: Should You Dump Him If He’s Not Over His Ex?

Boyfriend Not Over Ex

Don't let him make you feel like the second choice.

Everyone knows that getting over a first love, or just an ex in general, is not an easy thing to do. In fact, some people say that they never really get over their exes. So when your current sweetie admits that they’ll always have a spot in their heart for their ex, how are you supposed to deal?

It’s easy to say dump the dude and move on. But what if you can kind of understand where they’re coming from? We saw this post about this subject in the message boards, and it made us wonder how others feel about this: what would you do if your sweetie admitted they weren’t completely over their ex? Read these responses and then tell us your opinion.

shishorty said:
So I’ve been exclusive with this guy for about 2 weeks now. I’ve already taken a lot of risks with him because of his past. He recently told me about his ex, which got me asking questions. They were together for somewhere around 5 years on-and-off… But they’ve been broken up for 3-ish years. He told me he still has feelings for her and probably always will because of their history together, but that wasn’t going to change anything between him and I. He said they still talk, just to see how each other is doing, and have recently hung out, but that she knows about me. I’m not really worried about this, just because I know he’s very honest with me, I was just wondering what you guys think about this?

He needs to fix this before he can be totally into you.

hero_of_the_day replied and said:
I wouldn’t like that because he says he still has feelings… yes, there have been guys I’ve REALLY liked in the past, but I wouldn’t date someone else if I still had those feelings. There’s a difference between not forgetting someone and not being over them.

stayclassy replied and said:
I think that if you really like him you could give it a shot. But if you do, then definitely take things slow and see how it goes with him… if he ever gets over her, if you’re okay with it. I mean who knows… you could either wake up one day and say “forget it, I want to be the ONLY one” OR he could get over her. See how it goes.

This is kind of a tricky situation, but in the end, we’re going to have to say that if your BF isn’t over his ex, he probably isn’t ready for a relationship, no matter what he tells you or himself. We have to agree with hero_of_the_day when she says that there’s a difference between not forgetting someone and not being over them. There’s no reason for your sweetie to completely forget about his/her exes, but they shouldn’t still have feelings for them.

When it comes to relationships, every girl deserves someone who will give her all of the attention and love that she deserves. If your guy is still hung up on his ex, he’s not emotionally ready to be someone else’s boyfriend. Think about how you would feel if you weren’t over your ex – would you be able to put your all into your new relationship? Probably not.

Who do you agree with? Would you date someone who wasn’t over their ex? Tell us in the comments.


Is dating older guys always better?

Posted in: Discuss, Discuss, Health, Sex & Relationships, Hooking Up, Love&Sex, Relationships
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  • Nicole

    i am currently pregnant with a my boyfriend who has told me recently he is majorly not over his ex and he would give it another shot with her i dont know what to do anymore ive been very emotional and cant bare that

  • M78

    My BF & I have dated off & on 4.5yrs…2yrs ago we broke up, he met someone & tried to seriously date her. Claims to fallen in love but, WE never stopped sexually& emotionally connecting with each other. Other than a 2mo.quit&he tried! They since have broken up 4mos ago..We have picked up where we left off & were quite happy,EXCEPT the fact he tells me, “I LOVE YOU BUT,IM IN LOVE WITH HER” I say then go be with her! He says I AM what’s best for him & he will eventually fall “IN LOVE” with me?! Hmmm…I know we have a unique Great relationship, we are Best friends, lovers,companions..He’s got Mad love for me! Idk tho..
    He told me it’s my choice to be here thru his healing from her. So I have been. But I Do get insecure when something arises concerning her..I’m looking for that”special” Love & social status that she got & it’s not happening fast enough for me. I’m asking for guidance on how I can approach this at a different angle. I’m the one who cares TOO MUCH! Will he fall out of love for her..

  • Blonde

    I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and he has just told me he has feeling for his ex who he was with 4 years ago he was only with her 4 months is this normal.

  • P.

    It hurt, for sure. But once you learnt how to get back you sanity and dignity, you’d find it doesn’t worth clinging to this. It’s all about the RIGHT PERSON at the RIGHT TIME. But timing is a b*tch!
    I met this guy like right when he just got a divorce with his wife and they had 2 little kid. Given that was the circumstance, we were hesitated at first but the chemical was strong and everything felt so right that we just put our guard down and let ourselves fall. I wish I could turn back there to stop or at least slow myself down. He told me the marriage was not happy and they didn’t get along well so they decided to set each other free for another chance. Quite persuasive right? I trusted him. But my mistake was, I assumed he meant he did not love her anymore, instead of asking him whether he still had feeling for her before we started. Actually, their terrible love life was not equal he did not love her anymore.
    We had been together for 4 months (given 2 months we didn’t see each other as he was too busy with his business) and we talked on the phone like every single night. Things were sweet and decent and I believed we were moving on the right track. I knew he still got in close contact with his ex-wife as their kids were too little. I didn’t have any issue with that though.
    Once I was upset and told him we needed to spend more time together given that he was too into his business. He took it as I wanted a kind of bond or something. And we got into a serious talk, when he revealed he didn’t want the divorce as the kids were too young and he still loved her. But then he still didn’t say he wanted to leave me, instead, he still got in touch with me and acted like nothing had happened. At first I was so confused that I almost followed him, which for sure would lead to a more miserable consequence. I just loved him so much and I fooled myself by saying he would soon get over her and move on with me. But my best friend was there, asking me one question only “How did you feel when he told you he was still in love with his ex?” That was more than a thousand words. I loved him and it torn my heart but I would never forgive myself if I lost my dignity by loving him. He didn’t expect it when I said “When you told me you still loved her, you had already made a choice. That choice means nothing than you losing me”.
    Now it’s been 1 month already. I have had the most terrible days of my life. I still love him and still hope that he would come back. But I know the chance is almost zero. I have to move on. One thing you need to remember, when he says he still love his ex, you HAVE to trust him. And the second, tell yourself you don’t do second best. His loss.

    • Gin Jing

      Fully agree! I’m in a similar situation and it’s really hurting about the truth and about the cut-off! Bad timing all happens in such short months!

  • Anonymous

    I started dating my boyfriend about 7 months now and he calls & texts his ex behind my back and I know they have a child together I get that but he never talks to me or see me he’s always working and he moved out to live his mate and he said its closer to work but I don’t know if he’s still in love with her or if I’m going crazy also he always talks about her when he finally does come over to me ( also it’s like he controls me but I so blind about it that I can’t see it ).

  • trinityxc

    I just found while borrowing my boyfriend’s computer a love letter with a song he wrote confessing that to his ex that he still is in love with her and he apologized for all the wrong he caused he ( he never cheated she left him). He said would do anything for her and I don’t know what to do and how to feel, we have been together for almost 6 years.

  • Sher

    My fiancé still has feelings for his ex. we have been engaged since November. Together since March 2013. When I semi moved in, all I found was HER. Everywhere. I questioned as to why he hadn’t cleansed his house of her prior to asking me to move in. He has every excuse in the book. Gets angry when I try to discuss her, doesn’t want me to say anything bad about her, gets upset when I throw her things away. I don’t know if he retrieves them from the garbage or not. Found a cel phone with her picture as his wallpaper, tons of pictures of her in it, her contact information, etc. He again had the excuse he just didn’t think about deleting everything from it. Isn’t that what people do when they get a new phone?? I don’t know what to do. Every fight we have is over me finding things of hers. We do not fight over anything else. I can’t talk to him calmly, he will not stay calm when it comes to her. He says he is never taking her back, never. He was with her for 3 1/2 years. And he was married prior to her. My gut just tells me he is still in love with her and that I am eventually going to get hurt. What should I do???

  • Emmi

    My husband decided to tell me on our first wedding anniversary that he was still in love with his ex girlfriend and that during the first few weeks he had been spending more time with her than he had with me. I had asked him before we got married if he still had feelings for this girl (who had a boyfriend who is now her husband) and he denied it. I believed him but since that first anniversary he has openly admitted that he lied taking his vows. He has accused me of knowing how he felt about her and he says how she will always be beautiful. At the time of our anniversary, we had a baby boy who was only a few weeks old and if it wasn’t for the fact that he has mild intellectual disabilities and I am concerned how he would cope if my husband and I divorced, I would have called it quits long ago. I feel so trapped and bitter. We have been married for several years now and whilst he has apologised (finally) I still can’t trust him. My husband can say he loves me, but I will always feel that he married me to make her jealous and deep down, I feel I can never trust him and never forgive him.

    • Allá

      Im sorry :’/