From The Boards: Should You Dump Him If He’s Not Over His Ex?

Boyfriend Not Over Ex

Don't let him make you feel like the second choice.

Everyone knows that getting over a first love, or just an ex in general, is not an easy thing to do. In fact, some people say that they never really get over their exes. So when your current sweetie admits that they’ll always have a spot in their heart for their ex, how are you supposed to deal?

It’s easy to say dump the dude and move on. But what if you can kind of understand where they’re coming from? We saw this post about this subject in the message boards, and it made us wonder how others feel about this: what would you do if your sweetie admitted they weren’t completely over their ex? Read these responses and then tell us your opinion.

shishorty said:
So I’ve been exclusive with this guy for about 2 weeks now. I’ve already taken a lot of risks with him because of his past. He recently told me about his ex, which got me asking questions. They were together for somewhere around 5 years on-and-off… But they’ve been broken up for 3-ish years. He told me he still has feelings for her and probably always will because of their history together, but that wasn’t going to change anything between him and I. He said they still talk, just to see how each other is doing, and have recently hung out, but that she knows about me. I’m not really worried about this, just because I know he’s very honest with me, I was just wondering what you guys think about this?

He needs to fix this before he can be totally into you.

hero_of_the_day replied and said:
I wouldn’t like that because he says he still has feelings… yes, there have been guys I’ve REALLY liked in the past, but I wouldn’t date someone else if I still had those feelings. There’s a difference between not forgetting someone and not being over them.

stayclassy replied and said:
I think that if you really like him you could give it a shot. But if you do, then definitely take things slow and see how it goes with him… if he ever gets over her, if you’re okay with it. I mean who knows… you could either wake up one day and say “forget it, I want to be the ONLY one” OR he could get over her. See how it goes.

This is kind of a tricky situation, but in the end, we’re going to have to say that if your BF isn’t over his ex, he probably isn’t ready for a relationship, no matter what he tells you or himself. We have to agree with hero_of_the_day when she says that there’s a difference between not forgetting someone and not being over them. There’s no reason for your sweetie to completely forget about his/her exes, but they shouldn’t still have feelings for them.

When it comes to relationships, every girl deserves someone who will give her all of the attention and love that she deserves. If your guy is still hung up on his ex, he’s not emotionally ready to be someone else’s boyfriend. Think about how you would feel if you weren’t over your ex – would you be able to put your all into your new relationship? Probably not.

Who do you agree with? Would you date someone who wasn’t over their ex? Tell us in the comments.

 

Is dating older guys always better?


Posted in: Discuss, Discuss, Health, Sex & Relationships, Hooking Up, Love&Sex, Relationships
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31 Comments

  1. avatar Nat says:

    Well, I’m single now because of this exact situation. In fact, my ex has had this happen all throughout his life. He has had several girlfriends and wasn’t over the last before he started with the next, which of course is why all his relationships didn’t work out ultimately. All his girlfriends dumped him except for his last relationship where he initiated it. He thought that would make the transition easier and that he’d get over her, but then I found out that wasn’t the case. He’s an older guy, really smart, sweet, accomplished, but is also afraid of being alone, letting go, etc. In fact, when it comes to all kinds of relationships, he has issues and superstitions and does this whole self-sabotaging act where his unfounded beliefs actually cause the very thing he’s looking to avoid. He always has a hard time letting go, it seems, and he realized it was unfair to ask me to continue to be with him under those circumstances. He said that I deserve a “clean” slate as he put it, with no feelings interfering. We have been good friends, so I don’t want him totally out of my life, but he’s going to really have to go above and beyond to make sure that I can trust him with my heart again….that is if I don’t meet someone else in the mean time.

  2. avatar Jbrumford says:

    I don’t like it when guys keep in touch with ex’s and there is no reason for it unless they have children together. When a guy willingly tells you that he still has feelings for an ex or that him and an ex keep in touch please take that as a
    Red Flag. He is intentionally giving you very vital information. He is telling you something without really saying it. What he is saying is that, that door is still open. If she broke up with her current guy, moved back in town or whatever reason is keeping them from being together no longer existed he would give it another shot. He’s letting you know that. I think it’s important to pay attention.

    I don’t keep in touch with ex’s, especially not when I’m currently involved with someone. When you think about it there really isn’t any reason. A discisson was made to no longer see each other, so what are we talking about? Why are you checking up on eachother…really what’s the point? If they are still friends because of having a lot of mutual friends or children together it’s important that you meet them and get a feel for their interactions. Anything other than that is unacceptable and if he has to tell you he’s not over her it’s because he’s not. Let heal his wounds with someone else. Don’t waste your time on that.

  3. avatar trinityxc says:

    I just found while borrowing my boyfriend’s computer a love letter with a song he wrote confessing that to his ex that he still is in love with her and he apologized for all the wrong he caused he ( he never cheated she left him). He said would do anything for her and I don’t know what to do and how to feel, we have been together for almost 6 years.

  4. avatar Sher says:

    My fiancé still has feelings for his ex. we have been engaged since November. Together since March 2013. When I semi moved in, all I found was HER. Everywhere. I questioned as to why he hadn’t cleansed his house of her prior to asking me to move in. He has every excuse in the book. Gets angry when I try to discuss her, doesn’t want me to say anything bad about her, gets upset when I throw her things away. I don’t know if he retrieves them from the garbage or not. Found a cel phone with her picture as his wallpaper, tons of pictures of her in it, her contact information, etc. He again had the excuse he just didn’t think about deleting everything from it. Isn’t that what people do when they get a new phone?? I don’t know what to do. Every fight we have is over me finding things of hers. We do not fight over anything else. I can’t talk to him calmly, he will not stay calm when it comes to her. He says he is never taking her back, never. He was with her for 3 1/2 years. And he was married prior to her. My gut just tells me he is still in love with her and that I am eventually going to get hurt. What should I do???

  5. avatar Emmi says:

    My husband decided to tell me on our first wedding anniversary that he was still in love with his ex girlfriend and that during the first few weeks he had been spending more time with her than he had with me. I had asked him before we got married if he still had feelings for this girl (who had a boyfriend who is now her husband) and he denied it. I believed him but since that first anniversary he has openly admitted that he lied taking his vows. He has accused me of knowing how he felt about her and he says how she will always be beautiful. At the time of our anniversary, we had a baby boy who was only a few weeks old and if it wasn’t for the fact that he has mild intellectual disabilities and I am concerned how he would cope if my husband and I divorced, I would have called it quits long ago. I feel so trapped and bitter. We have been married for several years now and whilst he has apologised (finally) I still can’t trust him. My husband can say he loves me, but I will always feel that he married me to make her jealous and deep down, I feel I can never trust him and never forgive him.

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