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Ask A Guy: Will A Guy Who Really Loves You Wait To Sleep With You?

Tuesday, January 10, 2012 by Ethan Fixell

Will A Guy Wait To Have Sex

If he leaves you for not sleeping with him... he's a loser.


Ethan: Okay so I was talking to this guy for a few weeks and right after I told him I’m waiting to have sex til marriage he completely ignored me. Like didn’t call or text or see me ever again. But my question is: will guys that really love you wait for you? And is it better to have sex for the first time with someone experienced or the same as you?

First, the honest truth: the vast majority of American men (and women) engage in premarital sex. Combine this with the raging sexual drive of the pubescent male, and it becomes easier to foresee that a teenaged crush would bail at the first whiff of female chastity.

Ideally, a guy that’s interested in you for realsies shouldn’t have a problem with waiting for your relationship to develop before going all the way. He should realize that true love is founded in emotional connection, and that physical chemistry can be established in activities short of sex. Still, in the future you might want to refrain from announcing a commitment to abstinence until the relationship further solidifies, not only because it can shut down less mature guys, but because your beliefs may evolve with time as well. Even if casual sex might forever be out of the question, many unwed couples eventually desire more intimacy and decide to lose their virginity in a monogomous relationship.

Finn waited for Rachel to be ready...

My first time was with my equally inexperienced high school girlfriend, and while both of us sustained multiple awkward injuries (“You’re crushing my arm!”), knowing we were on the same level took the pressure off of performance. On the other hand, an experienced partner—while potentially more intimidating—can help guide you through your first time. So there’s really no prototype for the ideal first lover – their level or lack of proficiency is much less important than how comfortable you feel with the person in general.

But ultimately, if you’d definitely prefer to wait until marriage, then forget about the neanderthal. Find a more mature guy to love you for who you are. In the end, when to have sex is entirely your decision, and you need to be with someone who will respect your wishes (and, hopefully, is really good at making out).

Good luck!
Ethan

Confused about a guy? Wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

 

Should you wait for him to say ‘I love you’ first?

Posted in: Ask A Guy, Dating, Help&Advice, Love Advice, Sex
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  • Aliyah Hill

    So I’m 18 and I’ve only been with my bf for 2 months but we’ve known each other our whole lives. He wants to have sex and I wanted to wait a few months. At the beginning of the relationship he said that he wouldn’t rush me but 2 months in he tells me he doesn’t know if it’s working out cuz we’re at “different speeds.” He tells me he wants to be with me forever and I believe him… I just can’t tell if he just wants to have sex and then move on. He claims otherwise but I really can’t tell… idk what to do…

  • Mimiluv

    Viginity is vry important to men dan women thought. Keep urself,he will wait if he really loves u. Ur virginity is a gift to your beloved. Wait for sex until marriage. Kissing n huging is permited bt dnt cross d boundary or d target point. Jst wait n keep loving. LOVE…

  • Really!!!

    why should a guy wait to have sex if he loves you? That is such an absurd philosophy. If he likes you and is attracted to you then naturally he will want to have sex. I would be disappointed if the boy/man I liked didnt feel he needed to have sex with me. Why are we even linking sex and love? This is the crap and false values we are made to imbibe. There is nothing wrong with a guy wanting to have sex with a girl. In fact this would be a natural and normal response. It is up to the girl to decide if she wants to go ahead or not. Stop making such a virtue of this artificial “value”

    • Natalia Kasa

      If he loves you, he would naturally want to marry you and respect you. The man you are describing is an animal who doesn’t know what love means.

  • wisani baloyi

    What nice about love and sex

  • Katie

    For me, I’m 22, my virginity has always been very important to me. Not as a purity or Mother Mary type way, but as principle that is mine (and only mine) and I take very seriously. I’m not holding onto it as a ‘powerplay’ or a ‘negotiating tool’ against my bf, it is solely because I believe in it and no other reason.

    My bf and I have been dating for a year now and he is not a virgin, which is not a problem for me and I don’t ‘judge’ him. He and I have built a very strong relationship over the year based only on intellect, personality,caring for one another, and we do show affection for each other. I told him a month into us dating I did not want to have sex until I was married. At first he was a little taken aback, which I can totally understand after reading the comments on here, but we talked about it and he decided he wanted to stick with me and see where our relationship led. Then, a couple months ago, he actually told me that he respected me for holding out, because believe me I’ve wanted to give in plenty of times. He also said he found it a “super turn on” (as he put it) and it would make a guy feel so special that you waited for him and only him.

    Sorry to drag on so much, but at the end of the day I think guys and girls should do what they think is right and not be ashamed of it. I also think it should not be looked down on or as ‘naive’ if they want to wait. I’m not being preachy I just want to let other girls out there like me know that it is your decision and don’t let anyone make you feel stupid if you want to wait.

    • Natalie

      Thank you. This is extremely helpful

  • owl

    he’ll wait for sex…with you. meanwhile he’ll get it somewhere else. welcome to 2013. Jsyk the one issue with waiting is that you won’t realize how dumb and meaningless waiting was until a few months after the first morning after. just ask Jessica Simpson.

    • snowFlakes

      I know and understand that some girls will want to wait…I am not sure why but still thats their choice.
      What I dont like is how they go out professing that this is so virtuous and the way sex should be practised. Some even say we must wait till marriage.
      How do they guarantee that the guy we marry is going to be a virgin? Can they?
      I am not telling all girls to go and get laid just like that. But I dont want girls judging me for having sex when I want to.
      The only thing to watch out for is STDs ( Herpes, HIV, Chlamydia, Gonorrhoea and many others)
      Also, pregnancy though not a bad thing can be an inconvenience. So take precautions.
      I am not sure how waiting helps. What are they waiting for? Dont give me this garbage about mental maturity and crap about being ready, physically or emotionally. You are never ready for such an experience. Does that mean we all remain spinsters and take our virginity to heaven. There will be too much of a competition to be Mother Mary. There cannot be more than one baby jesus..LOL.

  • cutiepie

    I went to a party at my friends place and I met this guy. I had never seen him or chatted to him before but he was so nice and I liked him. I am generally quite shy and I liked the attention I was getting from him. He took me up to his room and while he was showing me his pics on his computer he kept putting his hand up my skirt. I didnt know what to do and I started having an orgasm and got real wet. I was scared. I was 13. I had never done anything like this before and then he started saying I was ready and he wanted to have sex with me. He took my skirt off and continued to finger me. He got between my legs and started kissing me down there and kept saying how much he liked doing that to me. he kept telling me how my smell was such a turn on for him. He made me orgasm again and again and I lost all control and I let him go all the way. I was so self conscious as I was just developing boobs and I hated when I started developing pubes. I had never been naked in front of a guy before. I felt so embarrassed when he opened me down below and started licking me. I felt so guilty but he was nice to me after that.
    This experience helped me grow up. I could have said no but I did enjoy what he was doing to me and I let it continue. I had never known what an orgasm was till he did that to me. We still hook up a lot. He is my best friend even though he is many years older.

    • cynthia

      snowflakes needs to realize that was not ok. sick guy

      • sharlene

        Cynthia, why is having sex sick?
        Just because she is young does NOT make it right or wrong. It is normal to want to have sex and with who you want to share that with. She may have been 13 but she liked it and she says that experience helped her. Who are you to judge if what she did was sick or not? Clearly this would have been the same reaction any 13 yr old girl or any girl for that matter would have faced when having sex for the first time. Why is it sick? Her choice, her decision! Not yours!

    • juicyPeach

      hehe OMG you must have been so nervous. I love how older guys will give you attention. Same thing happened to me ( I was 13 too) but I was with the guy in his car. We had a long drive but he stopped in the woods. Like you said I was so nervous when he started fingerin me and eating me out for the very same reasons you mentioned. But it felt really good and the orgasms OMG they just kept happenin. I kept tellin him not to stop becoz it felt so good. He took my VCard on the hood of the car. I was so conscious about my boobs. They were so small but he kept sucking at them. OMG it was so good and I didnt regret it at all.

  • Jesica ohms

    Sex is great dnt wait 2 hv it jst do it nd enjoy it while stil last

  • summer

    I dont believe how girls think that just because a guy will wait to have sex, somehow suggests that he loves you. God!!! is your focus so narrow? Aren’t there more things that determine committment, affection, love etc? Why does everyone have to believe that sex is the only determinant? Sex is the glue that helps strengthen love. Sex is enjoyed by both the girl and the boy, and to use sex as a tool to gauge how much in love the guy is, seems daft. We are all primed to believe that somehow having sex is bad and should only be rationed out to those who commit to us. While I agree that sex is more enjoyable when you are comfortable with the guy, I dont agree that sex should only happen at a certain age or after marriage.I lost mine at 12. He was a lot older. I didnt feel used. I offered myself and I agreed.. well kind of. It was great and because he was older he knew exactly how to make my experience good. I had a few scares at times about pregnancy because we took risks. Thankfully I didn’t fall pregnant.

    • Jen

      Summer, you are very sick! Anyone who doesn’t see the problem with having sex at 12 needs help. Please save your advice. I pray you do not have female children. If you in fact do have female children I am willingly to bet they are being featured in some child porn video at this very moment!!

      • NomNom

        shhhh Jen. Go back to the convent. Go wear your chastity belt and throw away the keys.LOL

      • Jemma

        How narrowminded you are Jen. You really have no idea what goes on do you? No one says it is right. Yet why would you consider it wrong. She has made the decision. I agree if she was forced or coerced then it would be bad. And again you go on about such rubbish, talking about child porn. You are stupid, narrow minded and a total idiot. You not only judge but you let your brain run riot. Is it a wonder why children run wild with stupid parents like you?

      • dierdre

        Jen you are so dumb and stupid. Your response is so inappropriate. You are trying to make a point by using dirty tactics. Are you a parent? well if that’s how you blackmail your kids into not doing anything you will suffer serious consequences. You will end up disappointed because your kids will see through the bullshit you unleash. Where did you get the thing about child porn. Pathetic!!

    • dierdre

      So true Summer. Well said. My mom and Dad are divorced and so are many of my friends parents. If thats the situation why place such importance on being married to have sex. That is so stupid. Marriage is not permanent. Nothing is. Why deny ourselves the fun of having sex by waiting to get married? Big deal ! I wanted it and I lost it very very early. I didnt tell the guy my age. LOL..

  • Kayla

    I’m not sure why people think it’s so ridiculous to wait to have sex! Is it so strange now a days? I love the part where he says “Your beliefs might evolve as well” Like saying that when you’re older and see how the real world works you will drop this silly idea of waiting. I want to belong to one man. I’m not sure who I will end up with one day, but I think he deserves to be my one and only. I went to a friends wedding a couple of years back. Both her and her husband had saved their first kiss! There was something sweet and special about it. It showed a deep respect for each other, that even before they knew the other person they loved and waited for them. So if you’re someone who is waiting, be encouraged! You’re not the only one. If he really loves you he will respect what you believe and wont force you. If he is serious about you, and likes you for you, and not for the sex, he will wait!

    • maria

      heheheh Kayla, Fairy tales NEVER COME TRUE. Sorry!!!
      I hope you get a pure, untouched, naive, virgin husband. But the chances these days of that happening are almost next to ZERO. Unless of course he is the only man on an island with no females around. In that case he will still not be a virgin because his natural instincts will probably drive him to mate with the chimps, monkeys or any hole for that matter. LOLOLOLOL

      • RiQue

        Only in America I guess…..

    • lilflower

      No one thinks it is ridiculous to wait but on the flip side there should be no wrong in doing it early if the girl so decided.
      It is an individual choice.
      Many though still believe in “sleeping beauty” and the “frog Prince” but life unfortunately does not work that way.
      Those friends of yours who’s wedding you went to, are they still together? With the divorce rate being at an all time high, I dont lay much hope that they will be together in 7 years. What happens then? If she or he wants to marry again are they then NOT pure for their next husband / wife?
      I dont live in fairytale land. I respect your views but dont deride those who have premarital sex or start their sexual lives a lot earlier.

  • Clara

    I have been dating my boyfriend for four and half years and we are both waiting to be married to have sex. At first I was really self conscious and I always thought he was going to dump me because I wanted to wait. After several months of dating I got more comfortable and I asked him if it really bothered him. He told me about all the sex talk he had with his guy friends and that they made fun of him a little for dating me so long and not getting anything. He explained that he really didn’t mind and that I was completely worth the wait. He just laughed at me about his friends and how messed up their lives are, going back and forth between girls, dating psychos and all sorts of crazy thing and told me that he would rather have a good girlfriend who was their to support him and love him for who he is than a random girl just to have sex. I know this isn’t the case for everyone but there is hope out there for girls who want to wait, if he really cares about and your feelings he will wait until you are ready, whether that is in a month, a year or five years. I hope this helps!

    P.S. the thing about long relationship when you have decided to wait is to still have fun! Be creative there a lot of fun, sexy things you can do without crossing what boundaries you have set! 🙂 If both of you are committed to those boundaries there is no reason not to have a little fun with each other!

    • Chrisbecky

      U r ryt my dear

      • SH

        Thanks thats great advice:)

    • cynthia

      good for you clara. all these other girls/ladies have no respect. loosing it at 12 and 13 !? thats sad.

    • Joe Frederick

      i would have dumped your ass after 1 month of not having sex i would wait for my girlfriend but she wants to fuck the shit outta me but we just met so taking it slow but you sound like a prude

  • XYZ

    Not wanting to wait for marriage does not make a guy a “Neanderthal”.

  • XYZ

    A guy is not a “Neanderthal” for not wanting to wait until marriage.

    • theenlightenedone

      Having sex / wanting to have sex, is natural and normal and instinctive. It is a function of our body.
      Marriage on the other hand is an artificial institution that has been “created’ by society. Values, morals, ethics, being illegal or legal, are all created by man.
      So work it out all you people ! THERE IS NOTHING WRONG TO WANT TO OR TO HAVE SEX AT ANYTIME, MARRIED OR NOT MARRIED.
      The age at which you have sex for the first time (provided you are NOT forced or coerced) also does not matter as long as you have hit puberty.
      Dont let anyone tell you otherwise. There will be lots of emotional blackmail by parents. There will be threats and punishments. Just be discreet when you do it. Make sure it is with someone you like and know. Age by itself does not matter as long as it is okay with you.

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