Debate Club: You’re A Virgin. Does Your Partner Have To Know?

So, you’re about to lose your V-card. Everything’s set. You’ve got the candles, some condoms, a cued up Meat Loaf playlist. (Wait, you DON’T want to lose it to Meat? We should discuss. Another article, I guess.) But there’s one thing that’s not quite figured out. Your partner. Does he or she know this is your first time? Is that something you have to share or is your virginity completely private info? Well, there are lots of opinions when it comes to sharing your sexual history and the editors here at Gurl all have different takes:

Should I Tell Him I'm A Virgin

Make sure your partner's going in with open eyes.

Jessica: Spill The V-card Beans
Remember that scene in Wedding Crashers when Vince Vaughn’s character finds out the girl he just slept with is a virgin (okay, so maybe she wasn’t, but… not the point)? And remember how much he freaked? Well, I know that if I hooked up with a dude who told me it was his first time AFTER the fact, I would have the same reaction. Taking someone’s virginity is a big deal! And I personally would want to know if that was happening… and I think I speak for most guys when I say that. I say tell him the truth: whether or not the hookup is a big deal to you, he deserves to know.


Should I tell him I'm a virgin?

Would it have been better if Artie told Brittany it was his first time?

Melanie: It’s Up To You
I think it’s helpful sometimes to tell a guy that you’re a virgin—I mean, the first time is kind of painful, and it might help for him to know what’s going on with you, but I don’t think you have to declare your status by any means. It’s your body, and your virginity. If you don’t want to tell him? Don’t be dishonest and say you’ve done it a ton of times before (lying isn’t cool)—just don’t say anything at all! The experience you share together involves both of you, but your own decisions about your virginity are yours and yours alone—unless you want to share, that is!


Should I Tell Him I'm a Virgin?

Totally keep it a secret, if you want.

Julie: Yours For The Secret Keeping
Your virginity is, well, yours. It’s yours to keep, yours to lose and yours to keep a secret. Sure, I understand why sharing that it’s your first time could benefit the experience, but if you don’t feel like blabbing about your first time feelings, that’s totally fine. I’m no virgin (sorry, Mom) and I still wouldn’t talk much detail about my sexual history or “number” with a partner and don’t expect my partners to tell me anything aside from STD related info. As long as you’re having safe sex and you feel comfortable in the encounter, your sexual history, or lack there of, is yours for the secret keeping.

Who do you agree with? Would you tell a partner that it was your first time? Let us know in the comments.

Need some more Debate Club? Join the convo about friends dating your siblings.

Posted in: Discuss, Discuss, Hooking Up, Love&Sex, Relationships, Sex, Virginity
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  • looba

    the first time i had sex was magical! and guess what…i was 22..and i did not tell the guy. i made sure it was someone i was comfortable with. we had hooked up before, and he said “hey, i’m glad we’re not having sex yet.” he never pressured me. so one night was too perfect…i knew that i had had an amazing night with an amazing person, and what more could i possibly ask for? firelight, cuddling, and an amazing guy…it was now or never. so i initiated it! it was kind of painful…but i liked it so much! i woke him up in the middle of the night to do it again. we’re still dating, and i never plan to tell him. you share so much of yourself in a relationship, it’s okay not to share every little thing. maybe one day i will tell him, but i don’t plan on it. as long as you’re not hurting the other person, it’s okay to have a few secrets. EVERY time you have sex with a guy, you’re giving him a gift. giving away my virginity to a guy i trusted was my gift to myself.

    • lexasweetheart

      I have to say you are so smart of you to have sex at the age of 22 you are inspiring to me ill wait longer than 18. awesome

  • glory

    am a virgin nd am proud of it,i think wen u kip ur virginity your future husband wld b proud of u

  • virgo-gurl

    I’m a 16 year old virgin and I am already open about it. Its more because I’m abstinent and guys need to know up front that if that’s their intention then theres no need to waste time

  • Emilie

    I’m still a virgin and 20 and I will definitively tell my man when it will be my first time. Why? Because I will know he will be more gentle. If it’s your first time and you’re scared or worried like I am, you should tell him too. The first MUST be a good experience. Communication is a must in a relationship. I mean, it’s like in everything: when we have a first bad experience at something, doing it again gets difficult or something we dislike.

  • boo :)

    It is important to tell it to your partner. So it’s up to your partner if he will take advantage of you or he will wait for you. Do you get it ? Gentleness ? Loyalty ? True man ? 🙂 <3

  • Hey,Jude98

    I think it is really important. Especially if the guy wants to have sex. Like for me this guy wanted to have sex and I simply told him “no” because I’m a virgin and I believe in waiting for marriage.

    • lexasweetheart

      yeah thats right waiting until marriage is the best thing to do your awesome

  • Anonymous

    I think it is really important. Especially if the guy wants to have sex. Like for me this guy wanted to have sex and I simply told him “no” because I’m a virgin and I believe in waiting for marriage.

  • LittleMissMorgan

    Yes i think you should tell your partner that your still a virgin my ex when he asked for it i told him im still a virgin and so he then he knows to take it easy and that its going to hurt me a little and he understood that so it just tells them to be carful that your not experienced in the sex area and that he shouldnt expect you to be the best lover in the world and after all you only lose your v-card once and its a special moment !!

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  • Faye

    I’m 19 and a virgin, and I think it’s better to not tell. Like the article said, it’s something that should only matter to you. If it is hurting or the guy is too rough tell him to stop, you don’t have to be obligated to say its your first time because of it. Guys do indeed get weird when they take a girls virginity… plus news like that spreads, you don’t want to start rumours right? Hey, thats just my opinion.

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  • Victoria

    I haven’t had my first experience yet, I am only 13. Almost 14 in alittle over 3 months. I think you should tell a guy. Not on a first date, if your a guy you don’t want to be on the other end of this converstion,”The fries are good. Oh the ketchup reminds me, I’m a virgin. So what do want to do later tonight.” I think maybe you should bring it up during a deep converstion that it would be apporpite. If that time is when your about to have your first time, then so be it. I just think your partner should be informed. It is also good for your safety and health. Guys like to go to time when they in the swing, the testostrone gets going through thier veins and they can’t stop. They have an over powering sex drive then women. Its science. If your a girl and its your first time you need to go gentel. I have done lots of research. I want to be prepared to know whats going to happen, but I’m going to wait until I’m married. Personal thing.

  • Anonymous

    I believe it is extremely important to tell your partner if you’re a virgin or not because when you get sexually intimate it’s not just fun you could be putting their health at risk.

  • PVR

    yessss……………. the partner has to know…. why ??? it is importand thing…

    you’ll lose something special in your life and you don’t want to inform your partner ???? it’s crazy….. something crazy if you keep your virgin as a top secret…. let your partner more respecting yourself… and my suggest, give your virgin to right man ….. the right man who will be your husband and your partner until your die…..

  • Leslie

    I think the couple should tell each other about their past. If a guy’s been with multiple women in the past, I’d want to know that. I wouldn’t want him keeping that information from me because there’s a possibility he may have an STD and it could be passed on to me. I’d tell him because I would want him to tell me.

  • Stephanie

    I have a FWB, and on my 18th birthday we’re going to have sex for the first time, all the way. He knows I’m a virgin and he knows he’ll be my first (; When I told him, I was kinda flirty about it and cute.

  • Nikki

    My first time was with my husband, although it was before we were married, or even engaged. He knew I was a virgin because I told him before we even started dating. What I didn’t know was it was his first time too. He had told me beforehand that he had had sex with other girls. I found out a few days later that it really was his first time as well. It was special, and I will always remember it. The room was dimly lit, not with candles, but with a string of rope lights. (Not the Christmas lights that you always see, but it looks like a rope with LED lights inside.) It was tied around the headboard of his bed. Although he was the only one to climax, it was a beautiful thing, and I am glad that I have only shared the beauty of sex with him. =]

  • Tareah

    I think its important to tell ur partner itz ur 1st time so they can be gentle and not hurt u…..thats my opinion

  • Neicy

    I think its better to tell. I’m a 20 year old virgin. Most guys that I know my age are not. I always tell guys I’m a virgin. I’m not sure how long it will take me to be ready for sex so if thats all they want, I’d rather have them walk away early. Its been the best choice for me but not for all girls. I say tell them before, even if your in the moment and you just say “btw I’m a virgin” (cheesy and akward but your naked, cant get more akward then that) The guy will probably be able to tell anyway. Not to be gross but all my guy friends say they can tell.