Debate Club: You’re A Virgin. Does Your Partner Have To Know?

So, you’re about to lose your V-card. Everything’s set. You’ve got the candles, some condoms, a cued up Meat Loaf playlist. (Wait, you DON’T want to lose it to Meat? We should discuss. Another article, I guess.) But there’s one thing that’s not quite figured out. Your partner. Does he or she know this is your first time? Is that something you have to share or is your virginity completely private info? Well, there are lots of opinions when it comes to sharing your sexual history and the editors here at Gurl all have different takes:

Should I Tell Him I'm A Virgin

Make sure your partner's going in with open eyes.

Jessica: Spill The V-card Beans
Remember that scene in Wedding Crashers when Vince Vaughn’s character finds out the girl he just slept with is a virgin (okay, so maybe she wasn’t, but… not the point)? And remember how much he freaked? Well, I know that if I hooked up with a dude who told me it was his first time AFTER the fact, I would have the same reaction. Taking someone’s virginity is a big deal! And I personally would want to know if that was happening… and I think I speak for most guys when I say that. I say tell him the truth: whether or not the hookup is a big deal to you, he deserves to know.


Should I tell him I'm a virgin?

Would it have been better if Artie told Brittany it was his first time?

Melanie: It’s Up To You
I think it’s helpful sometimes to tell a guy that you’re a virgin—I mean, the first time is kind of painful, and it might help for him to know what’s going on with you, but I don’t think you have to declare your status by any means. It’s your body, and your virginity. If you don’t want to tell him? Don’t be dishonest and say you’ve done it a ton of times before (lying isn’t cool)—just don’t say anything at all! The experience you share together involves both of you, but your own decisions about your virginity are yours and yours alone—unless you want to share, that is!


Should I Tell Him I'm a Virgin?

Totally keep it a secret, if you want.

Julie: Yours For The Secret Keeping
Your virginity is, well, yours. It’s yours to keep, yours to lose and yours to keep a secret. Sure, I understand why sharing that it’s your first time could benefit the experience, but if you don’t feel like blabbing about your first time feelings, that’s totally fine. I’m no virgin (sorry, Mom) and I still wouldn’t talk much detail about my sexual history or “number” with a partner and don’t expect my partners to tell me anything aside from STD related info. As long as you’re having safe sex and you feel comfortable in the encounter, your sexual history, or lack there of, is yours for the secret keeping.

Who do you agree with? Would you tell a partner that it was your first time? Let us know in the comments.

Need some more Debate Club? Join the convo about friends dating your siblings.

Posted in: Discuss, Discuss, Hooking Up, Love&Sex, Relationships, Sex, Virginity
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  • minnie

    If you have decided to do it and you are comfortable with it then why do you need to tell the guy? Just because you tell him wont make things easier. To start with sexual intercourse is NOT painful unless of course you are not prepared or not adequately sexyallt aroused. Just make sure you have plenty of foreplay and oral sex and when you are really horny and having an orgasm get him to penetrate you. I tell you the feeling is awesome and mind blowing. Even the bleeding is unnoticeable. The girls who complain that it hurt and it bled a lot are either lying or were too scared or anxious and didnt do things the right way. Sex is really enjoyable and fun.

  • babygurl

    I was in france visiting my cousin and the guy next door was the cutest!! He was always so attentive to me and chatted to me and my mom knew I had a crush on him. She would say ‘you must be careful, cant you see he is older than you?’ To me that didnt matter. My friends back home all had boyfriends of different ages, some much older, some younger.In europe I think things are different. Me being 13 wasnt a big deal. I went to his place when my folks were away and things happened. I didnt know how to tell him It was my first time. I couldnt speak that much french to tell him that…lol.
    It was scary at first but he was great. He must have known I was a virgin because I felt so clumsy and stupid not knowing what to do or how to respond. The feeling was just great and i just enjoyed what he did to me. It didnt hurt at the time we were doing it but later that night when I was asleep I could feel some soreness. Thankfully no one found out. I thoroughly enjoyed my first experience with a french guy. 😛

  • prettybaby

    So, from what I am reading, girls feel they need to tell their boyfriends that they are virgins because they believe the FIRST TIME is painful and so the guy is gentle. I hear this a lot from girls and there is so much scaremongering and paranoia about the first time. Let me tell you from first had experience, I am 15 now but I lost it at 13 and I should be the one to have been worried about the first time because of my age and stuff. It is no big deal. It is total crap when girls say it was painful. Yeah it is sore. Come on, think of it, the guy is forcing his penis into an orifice that is being stretched!! For god’s sake it is one of the most awesome feeling and the sensations and the emotions that go with it are just unbelievably good. Stop all this paranoia because you are going to screw up the best time of your life. My guy was a lot older too but he was great. He didnt ask if I was a virgin and I didnt tell him either but he used a lot of lube, we engaged in loads of foreplay and the deeper and harder he penetrated me the better the feeling was. I agree I was a bit sore later on after we finished and when doing it again soon after the first time. Apart from a feeling of being stretched a tad I wouldnt say it was painful. Yes you were aware that you have ripped but it wasnt overly sore.
    Just enjoy the experience. You are not sacrificial lambs being taken to the slaughter house. I hate when girls gossip about how it will be sore and painful and make such a drama about the whole thing. If you relax you will enjoy it much more. If you go in anticipating pain, you will be paranoid and you will end up wrecking a beautioful experience. Just make sure you are really really turned on and you are wet and extremely well lubricated. Make sure you are having an orgasm before he penetrates you. That way you will have the most enjoyable sensations. If sex was painful, just imagine, our species wouldnt have survived! Apart from condoms, plz use common sense too.

  • Angie

    Shouldn’t the guy know if a girl is a virgin so he can be easy on her, so it wont hurt as much?

    • NomNom

      Angie, it doesnt hurt. Those are just stories by those girls who have never experienced good sex and who try to pretend they know what sex is. IT DOESNT HURT. Just a feeling of pressure or stretch. Even the bleeding is trivial. Gosh how the girls weave stories and it seems like the girl is haemorrhaging. LOL.

    • NomNom

      All you girls make yourselves sound like you are being “sacrificial pigs” giving yourselves up for some scary horrible event. If you consider sex a normal part of life, treat it that way and understand that it is highly enjoyable and the most awesome thing you will experience, there is no need for this useless worry and silly paranoia. If sex was Painful and horrible or not enjoyable, that would be the end of our species. So just have fun girls. Believe me it is very very thrilling, intense, highly erotic, sensual and totally pleasurable.

      • Kareena

        hahaha totally agree “NomNom” You seem like someone who knows stuff. LOL
        I don’t understand why there is all this fuss.
        Totally agree with your last sentence. Did you lose it very early? I think masturbation helps but there is so much of a taboo associated with even that. Girls feel so guilty touching themselves. I just dont understand the hang ups some girls have.

  • b

    I don’t think it is necessary. As long as you know the guy well, you’ve discussed perhaps “sexual things” as long as you are comfortable with your decision, I don’t see a need in telling someone you are a virgin. You’re a virgin. So what.

  • Alexander Scott

    Yeah, you definitely want to tell him up front that you’re a virgin. Every guy I’ve ever talked to says he’d want to know, and every girl I’ve ever talked to about this wishes her first time was better.

    Making your first time an enjoyable experience relies on planning and your partner being sensitive to the fact that it is your first time.

    I’m the author of The High School Girl’s Guide To Guys, and one of the most common questions I get is about making the first time enjoyable (especially from girls whose friends love to tell horror stories. If you let him know, he can plan for that and be a bit more gentle. A lot of the planning will still fall on you, but at least he won’t go charging in like a bull at the gate!

  • lexasweetheart

    i believe you should tell you parenter that you still are virgin. i’m 13 and haven’t had sex yet and planing to wait for marriage because no regrets.