My Boyfriend Watches Porn. Should I Be Worried?

Boyfriend Watching Porn

Caught him in the act? Don’t panic!

Dear Ethan,

I know my boyfriend watches porn and it kind of freaks me out. Is a guy watching pornographic movies something to be worried about?

As I mentioned in a previous post, studies show that men do think about sex more than women. Perhaps because of this, men masturbate more than women (shocking, I bet, to anyone who’s ever met a man), which studies such as the famous “Kinsey Reports” also show. But why do some of us need porn to get the job done?

According to Nature Neuroscience, men are more responsive to sexually arousing images, as opposed to women, who are more easily satisfied using their imaginations. Men are biologically “programmed” for quick arousal in order to potentially reproduce easily and often. And online porn, of course, not only provides a deluge of visual stimulation, but is instantly accessible.

Now, there are some (like Dr. Phil, for example) who believe that watching porn is a form of cheating. I think that only makes any sense if you also believe that all masturbation is cheating – because trust me, with or without porn, no man is thinking of the same person every time he masturbates. In addition, I know of no study which has found any correlation between porn-watching and cheating in real life. In fact, I would argue that for many men, porn offers an outlet that greatly lessens the possibility of cheating.

If he’s checking this out, he could actually be less likely to cheat.

I believe that pornography only poses a threat to your relationship if the guy is being evasive or lying about it, is increasingly losing interest in the bedroom, or neglecting other responsibilities because of porn. Any of these symptoms may be signs of actual addiction — in which case, it’s time to call the producers at A&E’s Intervention.

So casual porn watching is not only something to not worry about, it can also be very healthy. If you’re willing to experiment, it might even be a good idea to try watching porn with him some time. Sharing an experience like that might benefit your relationship sexually or emotionally. Or at the very least, you’ll share a laugh over a ridiculous “pizza delivery guy” plotline or two.

Good luck!
Ethan

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

Need more dude advice? Read about if they care if you shave down there.


Posted in: Ask A Guy, Dating, Help&Advice, Love Advice, Sex
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73 Comments

  1. avatar Shadowpuppet95 says:

    I have experienced the porn issue with my partner. I had never caught him or anything but we had talked about how he has watched it, One night i decided to ask him if he still does and he said that yes he did. He asked me if it bothered me and i said yes but as long as it doesn’t get in the way of our relationship i can deal (when inside i was actually hurt but i had looked up advise on this and everyone was saying to accept it) I told him it was his choice not mine and he said that he would stop for me. Then later he told me he had really been struggling with it and he has messed up alot recently. This is when it bothered me more because when we first talked about i was still a virgin. I felt like my virginity wasn’t enough for him and the fact that we have sex at least twice a week wasnt satisfying him enough so he had to resort to porn. I told him this but i also told him i had slipped up once too ( i had watched porn) which was true, and we ended up coming to the conclusion that we are both not going to watch it (that was never really anything i struggled with) and he was going to tell me when he wanted to watch it so that way i can help him get over it (we both view porn as something that can be addictive) I personally think that was the perfect solution and if the guy really respects you he will choose you over porn.

  2. avatar Seekingme says:

    You girls are being incredibly insecure and prude like if you think porn is in any way compromising your relationship, or cheating. Porn is porn. It’s no different than when us girls watch a hot guy on a movie and then want to have sex with our boyfriends. It’s strictly visual. I’ve watched don Jon, yes there are exceptions, but most guys watch porn casually. Heck my boyfriend will with me in the room, and I walk over and watch with him. Or while I’m gone and he’s horny, what else is he supposed to do? I watch porn without him, I have a dildo I use. It’s normal. It’s abnormal to think your guy will fantasize about no one but you. He has you, that would be boring. And sometimes guys are into weird things, hentai (tentacles and shit) milfs, desperation, school girl. Things we aren’t willing or can’t do. If that’s how he goes about getting what he’s not getting from you, great! Be happy he isn’t going to another real life person. I watch female porn, gay porn, desperation and hentai occasionally just for internet, all minds are different, desire different things, have different need levels. And who cares, it’s nothing more than a video…

  3. avatar another John says:

    It is interesting to read the comments from the ladies, it gives insight into
    many of the problems that men and women have in relationships, particularly
    about honesty and privacy.

    I think that it would be great if both parties in a relationship,
    around the time that you are feeling strong attraction and are thinking about
    taking the next step, were to sit down and honestly and
    nonjudgementally discuss what sort of erotic fantasies and outlets that you each have, including what sort of porn you are each into.

    You may claim that you are not into “porn”, however, you likely do consume books
    and movies that are “chick” material, which your partner may not really be into,
    but he will go along with you on anyway. If you don’t have any interest in sex, then
    it would be a good idea for your partner to know that early in the relationship.

    If you can’t do that. Or if one partner has a problem with what the other person
    is into, but your relationship is good otherwise, then I would strongly suggest that you have separate computers/smartphones password protected, and take the attitute that “what I don’t know won’t hurt me”.

    If we are talking simple pornography, then that is exactly right. What you don’t know
    about your partner won’t hurt you. Movies, books, and pictures cannot make a person
    do or be something that they are not.

    Now, if you suspect that your partner is having an affair or seeing prostitutes, that
    is a very different thing. However, you don’t need to see somebody’s phone or
    computer log to determine that. There will be periods of unavailability, behavioral changes, and missing funds that will be the tipoff in that case.
    That is really a totally different issue from pornography.

    The fact is that most men look at porn. You may not accept that fact, but it
    is a fact. Most people are also less that forthright with sexual matters, and will
    be driven to tell our partners what we think that they want to hear rather than
    the truth. If your partner says he does not look at porn, likely it is because you
    are uptight on the subject and he his trying to tell you want he thinks you want
    to hear.
    internet. Porn is Porn is a fact of life.

  4. avatar Amber says:

    OKay but what if he doesnt want to watch porn with you?
    PLEASE HELP ME OUT HERE?

  5. avatar channi says:

    I ws fussed at first with my fella watching it thort I wasn’t good enough ect but I got over it I’m glad it wasn’t anything freaky or gay lol and if he does I just get my trusty rampant rabbit out and think of channing tannum lol I’m.just glad he’s not cheating men need there own space and private maturation.just like us women do quick and easy and no mess just need to realise it’s not personal just coz he does doesn’t mean your not good enough or he wouldn’t be there just like when I fantasise over channing for instance doesn’t mean I.don’t love my bf or fancy him less just harmless fun :)

  6. avatar Lolly says:

    I don’t mind my bf watching porn as long as it doesn’t interfere with our relationship and sex life. He watches it casually and he tells me he uses it to get off which I understand because I’m not always there with him. What is important is that we COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE. Sometimes I see a hot guy, sometimes he sees a hot girl and we tell each other that. C’mon, there are many beautiful and hot people out there! And I believe the female body is very beautiful to look at. But you know what? Despite him seeing beautiful girls, he still tells me I’m the most beautiful inside and out because I’m his and he tells me I’m much more than just a pretty face. We don’t play around with anyone because we trust and love each other. Porn is just porn. He can’t do anything to them. Sure they are pretty but hell, beauty fades! It’s the inside that counts. I love him for who he is and he loves me for who I am.

    And him watching porn makes him want to see me so we can have sex! hahahaha. He prefers the real thing ;)

  7. avatar iwatchpornandimagirl says:

    I watch porn and I’m a girl. My BF also watches porn and we’ve agreed it’s okay to do it as long as it doesn’t interfere with our sex life. e.g. wanting sex but not getting it cos the other person’s already jacked off.

    I must admit at first I was worried and a little anxious that I might not be good enough for him. But I realized that when I watch porn myself, it is purely for self release and imagining a fantasy that I wouldn’t likely carry out in real life. It is the same for him.

    We love each other a great deal, he never turns my advances down unless tired after a long day at work. There will always be that little part of me that gets jealous at the thought of him jacking off to a gorgeous brunette with a huge ass. But hey that’s life, he loves me and we have a loving relationship :) (except for when I do dishes all the time, that’s when I want to smack him over the head with a brick hehe)

  8. avatar Jael says:

    So my boyfriend and I have been together for one year. We moved in pretty quick after meeting. He told me that he wanted to be abstinent at first. This was very hard for me and at times frustrating, like is he not attracted to me? why would we move in together if he didn’t want to have sex. One day I came home early from work and caught him right when he finished masturbating. I was upset, I left. He texted me and said he should move out. I came back home and we talked I told him I was upset that he would do that instead of me… He then admitted that he may have herpes and recently went to clinic around the corner to get tested and was waiting for the results. I told him that I love him and I would stay by his side and will be ok… I didn’t believe him, I believed he already had it and that’s why he didn’t want to have sex with me. A week later he says to me “it’s confirmed” I never saw results or nothing. He has had many outbreaks and a lot of our lack of sex came from that. Then when it would go away I would be ready to do it and he would act as if he cared less, saying sex is not that important to him… I then suspected porn may be the issue. About 4 ms ago I saw porn on his phone after he came up to me with his penis hard and tried to have sex… I immediately felt funny and we didn’t do anything. I then looked at his phone and saw all the porn sites he visited that day. At the end of last year he went on a 40 day detox, and 20 of those days was for a viral detox and the instructions said no sex until done. I hated it but I wanted to support him. Time to time he we would spoon each other and get really horny and he would say “I cant wait to get off this I’m going to tear your little ass off!” I was looking forward to that, then… nothing. No tearing up my little ass. So again I would suspect porn. I recently found porn on my phone, I knew it was him, he said no. We have had fights about the lack of sex and lately he has been waking me up to sex randomly in the middle of the morning 3am or so and he claims he can’t sleep and since I been complaining he gave it to me… This morning around 3pm he wakes me up to have sex, when he’s done I notice the movie playing in the back ground “dumb bells” and girls with short shorts and big boobs were working out and i asked him if that made him want to have sex with me. He got mad that I would accuse him. I apologized we made up and showered. I got out of the shower first and checked his phone because I didn’t believe him… See he puts his phone’s net on “private” so there is not history but I changed it last night to not private. Lord and behold there were the Ethiopian proud big booty girls images… I didn’t say anything, I just left one image up so I could see his face when he would pick up his phone. Face got red and I said yeah busted. So this is why you wanted to have sex. He said no, I saw it but I didn’t even touch my penis and I figured why masturbate when you’re here. So I brushed it off and tried to remain calm. He fell asleep I didn’t and thought about it all rest of the morning. When he woke up I talked to him about how I feel. He got mad and called me insecured, I’m the type of woman to make a man cheat. This is stupid and shut me out for the rest of the day. All I wanted was reassurance that he wouldn’t do this, to let him know I’m hurt and I feel like shit because I don’t have the big butt that he seeks online and because he is sexually attracted to other women. Bottom line, I’m just gonna go into my i don’t give a f*** attitude and let this relationship die down and move on. I believe looking at porn and getting turned on by another woman is cheating, he did it behind my back and the women that made his penis erupt weren’t me. Call me crazy, insecure but that’s f’ed up. A man that truly loves his woman and claims he wants to marry is gonna do what ever it takes to stop being sexually attracted to other women.

    • avatar Lisa says:

      I totally understand what you feel. And my boyfriend reacts the same way!! Calls me insecure well the only reason we feel that way is because of them!!! It makes me sad. I love him so much I don’t feel pretty or young I’m 19 but when I see sexy teen girls in his history I get super insecure and start to blame myself for not being pretty enough I just don’t know what to do anymore. I try to let it go cause my girlfriend says that all guys do that and not to get mad about it. But I feel the way I feel nothing can make me feel better no matter what she says or my boyfriend.

  9. avatar Sufi says:

    It is not true that men are more visual. A study found women were actually more turned by visual stimuli than men. Plus women are just as horny. This advice for girls to simply ignore it bugs me. The book What Women Want proves women are just as sexual. The advice given here should not be to just passively accept it but for girls to explore their own sexuality and watch porn themselves. Because that way they have their own release. Most het porn is full of ugly ass men so I rec gay porn to all the ladies out there. Some very hot dudes and if two men together is not your thing there are plenty of clips of men pleasuring themselves.

    Lots of guys are quite hypocritical about this though and say they don’t mind women watching it but they actually do. So ladies if your guy is fapping too much have yourself your own visual party. And if he is open minded and you find stuff you wanna watch together even better.

  10. avatar Sophie says:

    Also Ethan, what qualifies you to tell us what is healthy? Porn is healthy? Omg google negative impacts of porn for men and you will see some disturbing new research. The basic idea is that when men get used to so many flashes visual images, they feel less turned on by real sex.

    Watch ‘Don Jon’ the new movie with scarlett johanson. At least SOME people are talking the real talk about porn.

    • avatar Ceilia says:

      Thank you for telling us about that movie…. we watched it together…it is awesome!! Everyone should see it:) (adults, that is)

    • avatar Green Eyes says:

      I agree Sophie! I recently found porn on my boyfriends PC nonetheless he has an account. I’m hurt and also unsure if I should bring it up.

    • avatar Ben says:

      Thanks, Myself having the same problem with my boyfriend. This movie was great

  11. avatar Sophie says:

    What rubbish advice. Why do girls have to accept everything? Seriously, so we have to force ourselves to accept something because boys will be boys? Get real. If a guy is so pathetic that regular sex isn’t enough and an attractive young woman isn’t enough, he can hit the street I would rather be single.

    Porn promotes the degradation of women, much of it is really degrading and actually really sad that guys get off on it (6 guys to one girl for example, ejaculating all over the poor girl). The girl usually acts like she is aroused instantly, it is unrealistic. What if that was your daughter or your sister? What if that was your best friend whose a girl? How would you feel about these men degrading her? Honestly, have a little compassion for the girls in porn they are someones little girl.

    Porn is revolting and I know it’s fair enough if guys notice a pretty girl but the images and videos that are now accessible to men? It’s too much visual stimulation and it negatively affects men’s sex life if they watch too much.

    Seriously, before you advise young girls about just ‘accepting’ it (which is anti feminist and just what guys wish girls would do so you can selfishly get off even if you upset your girlfriend), do some research about the impacts porn is having on relationships. What you may not realise is its doing damage to young BOYS as well as ignoring the feelings of young girls.

    • avatar Ceilia says:

      I soooo agree!!! I`ve been doing research, am a nurse…its amazing the young men who are coming in for sexual problems. They are having difficulty in arousal with normal sex. This porn is much more psychologically damaging than people realize. Read “Wired for Intimacy”. It explains how any orgasm (men) goes thru the same process no matter if its real sex or visual stimulation…so..in my book, both mentally and physically it is cheating if orgasm is not attained with his “woman”!!

    • avatar Ashley says:

      Thank you

  12. avatar Anna says:

    Here is my problem. It is always a double standard. Guys can look at all the porn and local sexy female pictures they want in out homes alone without us but if us women were alone in a room while our spouse was in the other room and they walked in on us watching a guy jacking off and we were about to get off to it. I’m pretty sure they would not be happy about it. It’s just the secretly and not including your partner and if you and your partner are growing apart why not try to rekindle the bedroom rather than filling your head with other women to make the relationship strain even more.

    • avatar Ashley says:

      What about when they think you’re sleeping and they do it while you are right there next to them?

  13. avatar Lol says:

    I’m a little surprised that all the girls on here are so insecure.
    Men only watch porn to GET OFF. So stop being so insecure and comparing yourself. And porn is not cheating. You girls must be really young to think such a thing.

    • avatar Ceilia says:

      You obviously know nothing about how the brain works during orgasm. Please read “Wired for Intimacy” or watch the movie “Don Jon”. Its not about insecurities. Its about having an orgasm without ur partner. That is primarily interpreted as “cheating”.

  14. avatar Kelly says:

    I am having a special relationship with my boyfriend and all I ever wanted was to please him. I love him and the feeling is complementary, but two days ago I found a video on his phone history. I talked to him and he said he was missing me and wanted to watch porn which contained scenes with a girl with brown hair and glasses, just like me. But I felt sad and I started crying. We argued and he started making comparisions between me and those pornstars saying that I was better. And also, he mentioned how he watched the video only for 30 seconds.Yesterday he tryied to make me feel better touching me and trying to convince me but who the fuck believes him? I am not ok with this porn thing. I will be sure that he’ll find porn in my phone too because I know that will make him loose his mind. I don’t fucking care if it’s wrong but if I am not beautiful as a pornstar and I cannot react like all those milfs, nor he is like a male porn star. Revenge, ladies, I tell you. (also sorry for the bad english, It’s not actually my mother tongue)

    • avatar elle says:

      Me too girl i feel the same way like i call it cheating in your head. If he is watching sand masturbating off of the chick he obviously is fantasizing. Imma do the same thing u do. Look up men who is super hotter.

    • avatar Charles says:

      You rock. <3

  15. avatar Crissy says:

    OMG soooo i have been really worried about this. i just had a baby.. .he’s our first baby (born aug 2013) and anyway shortly before i got pregnant i found a porn site on his phone he said someone sent him the link or something like that i don’t remember bc it was a while ago and he always hits me with the bullshit. so i guess my mind blocked out his excuse but omg i remember that feeling of just being devastated ..so than when i was pregnant i looked in his youtube history and found some shocking shit. he was searching for girls with big asses doing stupid shit like dancing in spandex tights blah blah blah i confronted him and he said it wasn’t him lmfao im not gonna even get into that excuse he gave me soo whatever i’m not retarded i know it was him. i cried about it and just felt awful .why? well bc its YOUTUBE its not even like some porn celebrity, its fucking random broads on youtube! that makes me feel like he’s cheating. to me that is a form of cheating..okay so for the past 2 months since giving birth he has been using the bathroom with the ipad and locking the door when iknock on the door he tries to act like he’s watching the mexican cartel stuff AND this morning same shit but this time i felt his dick and it was semi. you know as if it was hard and he got scared when knocked and it quickly shriveled up but not all the way so i took the iPad from him and there it was mexican cartel stuff he was acting nervous couldnt look me in the eyes and tried to quickly get dressed for work..but i looked in the history, mister dum ass didnt know how to delete history on the iPad so there it was -internet porn! before i confronted him i asked him more than enough he kept denying it.. so i pulled up the website and shoved it in his face and said “what the fuck is this?” and he said he wasnt watching it blah blah long story short he claims he doesnt watch it and that it was like two days ago he quickly deleted it while it was in my hand im so mad bc i didnt get to see the other sites. than he says to me—”so what its only porn” i swear i almost lost my shit. to me porn is when they’re actors doing it not random bitches in front of a camera doing it ..i said so this is what you get your nut off too? and he said no i get my nut off to the vids that we make. and i know thats bullshit. than he tried to hit me with some more bullshit and said “look i need to get it, u never do it anymore and its ok i understand that your busy with the baby and your body is still adjusting but i love you and im not cheating on you” blah blah blah get the fuck outta here i was so mad he even tried to ask for a hug fuck outta here NO. he even warmed up breakfast and ate. i just walked back in the bedroom bc i was so pissed. and not so much bc of the porn watching.. but bc HE LIED. wtf does he have to lie for? its disgusting. lieing to me? your girl? the mother of your child? really? im so disappointed i dont even wanna talk to him when he gets out of work. and yeah i havent been really into sex these days mostly bc there isnt any foreplay or romance he just wants to stick it where ever he pleases..like no buddy i dont think so. anyway now i just feel so sad. i dont think this is normal. i feel like im not enough and i dont satisfy him. i need help. what should i do? how do i accept this? should i even accept it? (sighs)

    • avatar Alycia says:

      You need to calm down, you’re trippin.

    • avatar ggio says:

      I feel exactly the same way mine locks himself in the restroom and his dum self doesnt know how to delete history and when hes taking a shower i look and porn like its so disgusting n i think it has gotten to me that just when i look at him its like im so mad sad i feel like im nit enough or to fat cuz of having a baby

    • avatar Jane says:

      Wow, so I know my bf watches porn but he claims it’s not that often; however he always takes his phone to the bathroom and he’s in there forever. He says he’s just reading and I’ve always thought something else was going on and after reading these comments I’m probably right. He deletes his history so I will never know, but that in itself is telling me something I’m sure. Last night I fell asleep on the couch and the next day his history is deleted; why can’t they just wake us up? We have sex all the time and I’m always willing! I’ve been secure in relationships before but this hurts

  16. avatar maria perez says:

    Well for me I never watch porn really I thought in first it nastey really cause to me it cheating an they may not love you but when I got with my boyfriend I ask if he ever watch porn before he said long back but it took us long time about watching porn cause he know I don’t watch it an he was scare I may leave but somehow we end up watch later I trees when we was together longer but not we watch it sometime an seem.like it make us better an other ways I do think sometime if he wanted be with others but we been together to.long.now an don’t think he would but I’m glad I.found someone that know about sex than some.man.lol but it not cheating unless there touching it

  17. avatar Kaitlin says:

    My boyfriend watches it, I found it on his phone and initially it shattered me, but it’s not the fact that he watches it, it’s that he specifically searches girls with big breasts and weird moves, which of course, I’m small breasted and this just makes me feel bad because I feel like i’m not fitting his ideal body shape, as if girls aren’t insecure enough as it is, without fake trashy whores adding to this insecurity.

  18. avatar girl says:

    advice like this is the reason women are in unhappy relationships for years.

    nothing about a man needing sexual stimulation outside of you is correct

    nothing about a man fantasizing about someone else but you is correct

    and women who call you immature for being mad about it are cowards.

    you might as well be alone if you are not the only one he wants.

    thats like being f**k buddies. not in love. you love him and he loves every beautiful girl & you too.

  19. avatar Karen says:

    I think getting mad at your bf because he watches porn is most ridiculous and immature thing ever. Is not cheating because he doesn’t have physical contact, nor an emotional attachment with the lady onscreen. If you have ever fantasied with a guy from JB or One Direction or whatever you don’t call it cheating, do you?

    There is a vast number of woman-degrading porn, that’s the kind I don’t like and don’t support anybody watches. Some might say it is their cup of tea, but being misogynist is not a joke. If there is woman-oriented porn is because we want more close-ups at dudes, not because it has to be all roses, fireworks and eternal-love promises. I like watching porn in which both partners are happy to help each other have a great time.

    Men like to watch porn and women like to read erotica! Would your bf get mad because you read the entire Harlequin series? I think not. (Don’t say you would neeeeeever read erotica, there’s a reason 50 shades of l̶a̶m̶e̶ Grey is a best seller)

  20. avatar Mandy says:

    I am kind of on the fence about this whole porn thing. When I found porn on my bfs found at first I freaked, but I have to admit, when we leave HBO on and I wake up in the middle of the night and soft core is on, I do get turned on, but feel weird so I turn it off right away and pretend I didnt see anything because he is still asleep. I still feel insecure about him watching it, like i’m not pretty enough or that he thinks about these “actresses” while we are having sex. I did confront him, and he said he enever actually downloads it on his own, it’s his friends sending it to him. He was in the marine corp and i know he watched it alot when he was over seas (and hell, who can blame him) but I really dont believe him that he doesnt download it now. I think i;d even be willing to watch it with him, as long as it isnt too degrading and the people in it actually look like real people and i dont feel intiminated by the girl. I know that’s just my problem with being insecure, im just like i said, totally on the fence about it. If i did decide to watch it with him, what would be a good one that would not offend me or “hurt my feelings”

    • avatar Molly says:

      This article is honestly bull. If you believe this, society has diluated the severity of porn. It isn’t okay.

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