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Boyfriend Watching Porn
Dear Ethan,
I know my boyfriend watches porn and it kind of freaks me out. Is a guy watching pornographic movies something to be worried about?
As I mentioned in a previous post, studies show that men do think about sex more than women. Perhaps because of this, men masturbate more than women (shocking, I bet, to anyone who’s ever met a man), which studies such as the famous “Kinsey Reports” also show. But why do some of us need porn to get the job done?
According to Nature Neuroscience, men are more responsive to sexually arousing images, as opposed to women, who are more easily satisfied using their imaginations. Men are biologically “programmed” for quick arousal in order to potentially reproduce easily and often. And online porn, of course, not only provides a deluge of visual stimulation, but is instantly accessible.
Now, there are some (like Dr. Phil, for example) who believe that watching porn is a form of cheating. I think that only makes any sense if you also believe that all masturbation is cheating – because trust me, with or without porn, no man is thinking of the same person every time he masturbates. In addition, I know of no study which has found any correlation between porn-watching and cheating in real life. In fact, I would argue that for many men, porn offers an outlet that greatly lessens the possibility of cheating.
If he's checking this out, he could actually be less likely to cheat.
I believe that pornography only poses a threat to your relationship if the guy is being evasive or lying about it, is increasingly losing interest in the bedroom, or neglecting other responsibilities because of porn. Any of these symptoms may be signs of actual addiction — in which case, it’s time to call the producers at A&E’s Intervention.
So casual porn watching is not only something to not worry about, it can also be very healthy. If you’re willing to experiment, it might even be a good idea to try watching porn with him some time. Sharing an experience like that might benefit your relationship sexually or emotionally. Or at the very least, you’ll share a laugh over a ridiculous “pizza delivery guy” plotline or two.
Good luck!
Ethan
Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!
Boyfriend Watching Porn
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My boyfriend watches porn everyday and we see each other once a week or two times if we r lucky he works and we both have kids so it’s kinda difficult and he just told me that sexually he’s not attracted as much as he use to be.. We only been together for 4 months! Yet everything else in our relationship is great!!! i have a high sex drive and the last time we saw each other he said no to sex
He said he won’t be able to cut back but I’m not sure what to do. Should I leave? Cuz we talked about trying things in bed even watching it together is fine but I’m worried that he might want that all the time… Please help
Honestly, I watch a lot more porn than my bf does. He only watches porn every once in a while and it doesn’t bother me at all. Personally, I love porn and my boyfriend doesn’t care that I watch it. As long as we love eachother and not the person on the computer screen it shouldn’t be a problem. Unless your bf is choosing porn over sex with you, it’s no big deal. And if he is choosing porn over actual sex then he should probably get help cause he’s got a problem.
Personally I don’t like the idea of someone you are in a committed relationship with watching porn. Checking out girls is one thing, us girls do it with guys don’t we? So that’s fair, but sexually gratifying yourself over someone else when you are with someone just doesn’t feel right to me. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 9 months now and he hasn’t got a problem with giving up the porn for a girlfriend(:
My boyfriend told me going into the relationship he watches porn maybe once a month. I said ok and didn’t care too much mostly because i had been addicted to porn. Two months into it he tries to have sex with my best fiend (who goes along with it til he asks to have sex than says no. But was willing to suck his dick.). I felt like he had been lying to me and had a big emotional breakdown like a week later about him cheating on me cause i found shit in his appointment bookings. He denied cheating and said he’d never do that to me. Later my best friend tells me that while she was over and i had passed out from drinking, that they had “cuddled and things got a bit out of control.” I had freaked out and checked his computer and found porn all throughout it. At least five times that week and it had only been five days into it. These weren’t ten minute sessions… like hour long sessions.
We’ve been together now for a solid six months and he’s stopped doing it as much but still does it quite often. I have forgiven my friend but don’t talk to her and as far as he goes it may not last as long as i thought in the beginning. I just don’t know what to do anymore? I want him to stop this porn thing or at least get it down to maybe twice a month. No matter how much he says he loves me it isn’t consoling the things he’s done. any advice from anyone???
oh mind you we also have sex every morning and night and have done it in a billion different positions and he still cant seem to get enough.
So your boyfriend cheated on you with your best friend. Then he lied to you about watching porn. (Honestly, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with watching porn.) But he basically cheated on you, when you were right THERE. And you’re still with him?
Let me tell you my story:
My girl friend had this vibrator. I found out and confronted her. She said she only used it when she was horny and I was not around. (We lived 2 hours apart, so it seemed reasonable.) So I dropped the issue. It was a big mistake.
Slowly but surely the vibrator began to displace me. At first she would spend weekend evenings with it, then entire weekends. Eventually they would go on weeklong vacations together. Within a year I was completely displaced and crazy with jealosy over it. It was bigger than me, never got tired, never told her no, had numerous speeds and satisfied her completely and immensely whenever she wanted.
So, just before Valentines day, I broke into her apartment and smashed the thing. Of course she was furious and immediately brought a replacement, However she said the new one did not vibrate “the right way”, so she began a promiscuous phase and began trying numerous other models. Maybe a 100+, it was really disgusting to witness. There were vibrator catalogs in the mail quite frequently as well. That freaked me out to no end knowing one of them might be my replacement.
While she was unhappy for a while I was invited back into her life. However, she made it clear I was only an interim thing and that we could see other people. Of course I knew she meant “try new vibrators” when she said “see other people”. Well sure enough the day came when she found another model.
It has been three years now since I lost out to a hunk of plastic. My advice to anyone who will listen is to keep your partner 100% focused on you during the relationship, no porn, no plastic. You would not believe how easy a woman can be seduced away by plastic mechanical devices.
And now there is artificial insemination which my ex-girl friend says she will have. If it turns out to be a girl, the cycle will likely repeat when her daughter discovers that her father lives in the top drawer of her mother’s nightstand. If it is a boy he will quickly see how superfluous and replaceable he is in this world.
So, say no to porn and say no to vibrators!
OH……………..MY…………..GOD…………….
Hahahahahaaha
that’s guys 4 ya! but… r u gonna want ur guy 2 b that way when ur married? idts! i mean what girl is gonna b happy cing her guy always looking at other girls whether it’s porn r not! isn’t that why ur there!!!? DA!
My gf hates porn. When its brought up she literally cries about it. She asked me to stop, I DID. I told her it wasn’t easy, and hell I watched it basically every night (at least once) before i went to sleep and came with it, changing was not easy at all.
Women don’t seem to understand that its not as easy for men to relieve their stress. I have tried everything she does. Talk about it (I get frustrated), listen to music (can’t stop thinking about what I’m mad about), go out, jerk off w/ literally nothing (i have never done this in my last 8 years but it was possible. It wasn’t near as good though it was almost pointless. I have been doing it for a few days now and its gotten better, but it has not been a reliever of stress, if anything it just suppresses it for an hour or two).
Women can go to the spa and get their nails done and everything and they are worry free when they get home. That doesn’t work for men so stop thinking that. I literally have felt like shit for a few days because of frequent arguements with my girlfriend (we have been having sex very often every day until now because she had to move and her cam has been broken, leading to me being very VERY dbaggy).
I finally got really pissed and just looked at porn (well hentai, she wont let me look at that either… or fatasize about other women but thats her problem, this is still the first time i looked at it in 3 months since i slipped up with it before). When I came my emotions were rattled. I felt amazing. All my sad and troubles literally vanished into thin air. All of everything is gone and now im happy.
I haven’t told my gf yet, and she won’t know. Women like her seem to not want to understand and want to control the other person so there is no point. My job now is to comfort her because I finally can.
Maybe I am a terrible person, but YES, men are different from women just coz they have a thing between their legs. Deal with it.
Yes you can stop watching porn, but it will suck, you don’t have to watch anything, but that will suck too.
My last phrase “Yes you can stop watching porn, but it will suck, you don’t have to watch anything, but that will suck too.” meant just in your alone time. If you love her you will try, but if she loves you, she’ll understand and she’ll love you because you are fighting really hard to make her happy, and its hurting you.
Hey buddy,
I hear you. I do think your girlfriend should be more understanding about your watching porn, because as I outlined above, it’s a very common thing that can be completely healthy and great for your relationship in the long run.
In general, you don’t want to set hard boundaries and force a partner to stay within them, and that’s what your girlfriend is doing. Either she needs to understand where you’re coming from and be a bit more lenient, or you can choose between ditching porn entirely or keeping it a secret. Unfortunately, neither of the last two options are very healthy at all, because you will be in danger of building resentment or betraying her trust.
Before making a decision, have one more honest, open conversation with her and reassure her that porn isn’t a threat to your relationship!
-Ethan
Anon i think it sucks that your gf is supressing your porn watching because all my xs have watched it and before i used 2 be like your girl and freak out about it but now with my current boyfriend i get it because he at least tells me that he watches it only because he can’t have me all the time and that when he does watch porn he just imagines me and him together doing those things instead of the actual people and that gets him way more turned on and it helps him get rid of his stress. So i think you should just tell her that you need it to keep calm and hopefully your like my bf and think of her when you watch it maybe if you tell her that it will help her and she will let you watch it as long as she knows you really want her instead of the hot porn star!
)
The whole porn thing is tough for me to handle. I’m an extremely insecure girl and my boyfriend looking at porn completely exacerbates my insecurities. Frankly, I’m not ugly in any capacity, but sometimes I wish I could be a different girl every day. Perhaps then my boyfriend would not feel the need to do this stuff. LMAO.
Nonetheless, I applaud you for approaching this with maturity and candor. I also appreciate the comment above: “He’ll never find as much satisfaction in porn as he will with you.” Yay!
Thanks so much, Suvi! I appreciate you reading, and your support of my advice.
As for your boyfriend, you might not ever be able to convince him to ignore porn altogether, but at least you can take comfort knowing you’re not alone with your insecurities — and that he’s still just as into you as he ever was, with porn or without!
Keep confident,
-Ethan
I watch porn once in a while but my bf watches it just for amusement he says. but ive noticed hes not really in the mood much. makes me worried. he says he is still sexually attracted to me and everything seems fine but i have the evil of a little insecurity. I dont know how to deal with this. I want to not be worried and he says not to worry….
Hi EM,
First of all, don’t worry about porn taking your place. He’ll never find as much satisfaction in porn as he will with you, so you shouldn’t feel threatened. As for him not being in the mood, If he says he’s still into you, you have to take him at face value, and give him a few days (or a week or two) to get himself together. If he’s still acting disinterested after some time, explain that you don’t feel as desired as you used to — and if he can’t come up with a valid reason why his libido is low, you might have to move on from that dude.
Hope that helps!
-Ethan
Oh and also my boyfriend and I sometimes talk to each other about what porn we are watching etc. it can be pretty fun and hot.
I am a girl and I love porn and masturbating haha. I also know my boyfriend watches porn too which is fine with me! Sometimes I think I think more like a guy partially because I do think about sex a lot! Honestly I would rather have my boyfriend masturbate as well because whenever he doesn’t for awhile (like he is doing no fap December) it seems like the sex is always worse. It doesn’t really make sense to me but the last time I was with him he couldn’t even finish.
Hey Scuzz,
Generally speaking, frequent masturbation makes men less excitable and able to last longer during sex — which usually means more pleasure for the woman!
Glad to hear you and your boyfriend have such a healthy sounding relationship — and thanks for reading,
-Ethan
I wish I could remember the study but there was one done that pretty much disproves the “women dont really need visual stimulation.” I always thought that was BS since I know more girls who would prefer some form of porn as opposed to just using their imaginations.
Hey AM,
Let me know if you ever dig it up… I wasn’t able to find anything making a claim like that, but would definitely like to see it. I’ll publish a retraction if you’re right!
Thanks for reading,
Ethan