My Boyfriend Watches Porn. Should I Be Worried?

Boyfriend Watching Porn

Caught him in the act? Don’t panic!

Dear Ethan,

I know my boyfriend watches porn and it kind of freaks me out. Is a guy watching pornographic movies something to be worried about?

As I mentioned in a previous post, studies show that men do think about sex more than women. Perhaps because of this, men masturbate more than women (shocking, I bet, to anyone who’s ever met a man), which studies such as the famous “Kinsey Reports” also show. But why do some of us need porn to get the job done?

According to Nature Neuroscience, men are more responsive to sexually arousing images, as opposed to women, who are more easily satisfied using their imaginations. Men are biologically “programmed” for quick arousal in order to potentially reproduce easily and often. And online porn, of course, not only provides a deluge of visual stimulation, but is instantly accessible.

Now, there are some (like Dr. Phil, for example) who believe that watching porn is a form of cheating. I think that only makes any sense if you also believe that all masturbation is cheating – because trust me, with or without porn, no man is thinking of the same person every time he masturbates. In addition, I know of no study which has found any correlation between porn-watching and cheating in real life. In fact, I would argue that for many men, porn offers an outlet that greatly lessens the possibility of cheating.

If he’s checking this out, he could actually be less likely to cheat.

I believe that pornography only poses a threat to your relationship if the guy is being evasive or lying about it, is increasingly losing interest in the bedroom, or neglecting other responsibilities because of porn. Any of these symptoms may be signs of actual addiction — in which case, it’s time to call the producers at A&E’s Intervention.

So casual porn watching is not only something to not worry about, it can also be very healthy. If you’re willing to experiment, it might even be a good idea to try watching porn with him some time. Sharing an experience like that might benefit your relationship sexually or emotionally. Or at the very least, you’ll share a laugh over a ridiculous “pizza delivery guy” plotline or two.

Good luck!
Ethan

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

Need more dude advice? Read about if they care if you shave down there.


Posted in: Ask A Guy, Dating, Help&Advice, Love Advice, Sex
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  • Jessy

    My boyfriend watches, downloads videos and photos (real and anime) atleast 25 times a day, mostly while he’s at work. He doesn’t want me to watch it or be anything like the but he says he very few times gets off and mainly watches it cause it fun to watch and look at all the time. In my opinion I think it’s disgusting. Weve been together for 7 yrs, im 23 and he’s 24, and I’m worried about what he told me. He said he’s been like this since early adolescence (around 10 I believe) and says it’s what he’s used to and never thought it’s a problems and still doesnt. He said since he does have a high sex drive that if he doesn’t watch it hes afraid he might want it so bad and try to rape me or cheat. Hes mad at me for masterbating and asks what I think about and I said him because I just figured since he’s always on my mind, I love him very much, and that he’s the only one I would want to imagine getting fucked by that that’s ok. But he told me he cant get off if he thinks of me but he imagines me in the porn he watches. It pissed me off that he’s mad at me cause I think it’s disgusting and perverted. He watches hardcore bondage threesome (real and cartoon) shit but if I bring up doing ANYTHING new in the bed, he’s against it. I know I’m not the hottest but damn, im still good looking. But it hurts that we have talked about it, he said he’d try, and not 2 hours later he downloaded 30+. Its demeaning and disturbing what kind of porn is out there and is complete bullshit about the double standard for woman about porn. I didn’t used to have a problem with it. I can understand here and there (once or twice everyother week) just to get off if your turned on suddenly, but to be watching it nonstop whether he’s on break or not, whether we’re sitting by each other or not or where were at like the theatre bathroom for God’s sake. Is there ANYTHING to help? Advice? Medicine or hypnosis for me to accept it? He refuses anything outside of the conversation between me and him so outside help is a huge no no for him. I low he loves me but idk what to make of this.

  • Cassandra

    My boyfriend and I have been together almost 3 years and our sex life was perfect until he go the idea that I was cheating on him, which never happened! Anyway, since then we haven’t really had sex as often as I would like. For a while he actually used it as way to punish me. If I made him mad there was no sex for a week or two. Then I found out he would watch porn so I got mad that I’m over here sexually frustrated and he’s just gettin off watching porn. I brought up the whole issue and asked him why he would turn to porn when I’m right here. He clearly knows we haven’t had sex but he’s perfectly ok with leaving me like that as long as he’s good. After a while he said he watches it to get ideas on how to make me feel good but then he’ll watch it and not work it on me? So I don’t understand his thinking. I am now 5months pregnant and I feel like he would rather watch porn than have sex with me because well I am bigger now. Any insight ?

  • SumGurl

    Anything that hurts you emotionally, that your partner does on a sexual level, without you, is cheating. Especially with him lying about it.

  • G. P.

    Wow, a big red flag over here! He is talking to other girls? Well, cheating is more of a matter of what’s agreed between people. Some people would say thinking about other people is cheating. Others would say watching porn is. Others wouldn’t mind their other half flirting with other people, just for the fun of it! So there isn’t a consensus about it. But the way you put it, you feel it is cheating. If he was flirting with girls at the gym or at work, would you be ok? Because it’s the same thing online. People need to learn to differentiate real VS. fantasy (to understand the role of porn), but they also need to learn that the online world can and mostly IS just like our real world – with feelings and real people and real intend!

  • G. P.

    We all could complain, but I feel in the end we only should do it if it affects our relationship. And if he chooses to spend time looking at it online and not being with you, it is a problem! Sorry to be so blunt about it.

  • Guest

    I completely disagree with this article. Us women are told to put up with everything, strip clubs because it’s just a laugh….aye right! They even name them gentlemen clubs to try and make the men feel like it’s the done thing! They should be called perv clubs. Porn we are told is healthy…..eh no. Porn didn’t exist in our granparents days and my granparents were married 60 years….happily. wouldn’t it be far healthier if you man worked away and spent the time desperate to get back to see you rather than watch porn every night and then come back to you completely indifferent. I think it ruins relationships and anyone who says they don’t mind their partners doing it are scared. We are meant to be 50-50 now so why should we put up with it when they don’t…..my boyfriend actively told me he would hate it if I did it behind his back and agrees with me. It shouldn’t be accepted and women should definitely not feel like they have to accept it or that boys will be boys. It’s a new era and women need to speak up and stick together and get our point across!! No more having their cakes and eating it I say. Let’s educate young men on how to be gentlemen again…… Don’t even get me started on the fact that it is degrading to women!!ha ha

  • Brea

    I think every situation is very different and it obviously depends on how each couple feels. In my case, at the beginning of our relationship we didn’t live together and my boyfriend viewed porn in his free time and when I was in the mood I would do the same. We both knew this and were very much aware each other accessed online porn. Now we live together and that’s where the problem started. I stopped viewing it because I would much rather have sex than masturbate. And we have sex a lot therefore I don’t ever feel the need to please myself. But there have been times where I leave and am not at the house and he gets online to view it. When I found out it hurt because he knows I’d have been willing to Have sex before I left or when I got home. But theres not much I can do about it. He’s his own person and has a a right to his private time as do I. It does hurt but it is something I refuse to try and control. If I were to try and control that aspect, he would begin to resent me which could lead or far more serious problems. Remember you’re beautiful and he loves you and is attracted to you or he wouldn’t be with you.

    • G. P.

      Loved this! You opened my eye to this resentful thing which I didn’t even thought about it. I’m almost in the same situation as you. We both watch it, but we don’t live together. We talk about marriage, and I know I would be just like you: I have a high sexual drive, so the frequency wouldn’t be a problem for him. And I would love to do it everyday, before and/or after work. But I know deep down that he would still want his alone time (which is fine, of course, he is his own person as you put it), but there wouldn’t be much left for me after it, would it? So then, it becomes a frequency issue for us girls. Because despite women having different drives among us, it doesn’t change how many times we can have it if we want it and we are well lubricated and doesn’t hurt us. I’m seeing this on the horizon and trying to prepare for it! Hahahaha. But yeah, the resentful thing is hard.

    • okyoutellme

      Thank you for your point of view. It’s a very mature outlook. The problem occurs though when porn is no longer enough and it goes to the next level desiring physical contact and its not the one they are with…. *sigh*

  • Katie Prince

    I watch porn myself and as selfish and silly as it may sound I don’t like my boyfriends watching porn, I’ve spoken to my current boyfriend about it and of course I know he’s still going to do it but it was a load of my chest, he then brought up ‘yeah but it’s the same with you, you watch other giys’ to which I told him I didn’t and that I actually watch lesbian porn 9/10 times, even though I’m straight. I told him that it makes me feel insecure him watching other girls with perfect bodies half the time and mostly pretty, and I’m not at all like them, but yeah he’s with me because he loves me and wants to be with me and he hasn’t neglected me but it still makes me upset to think he’s aroused my another woman.

    • G. P.

      Not to offend you, but you are being hypocritical. But wait, really, I’m not offending you, because I’m a little bit like you. Hahaha. I watch it and it bothers me that my boyfriend does, but it’s more of a matter of quantity. He watches it everyday day (ok, I do it too), but as least one session of one hour – some days it’s two or three sessions. He says he doesn’t even jerk off all of those times, it’s because he is bored and it’s a form of entertainment. So it bothers me how misused his time is! Hahaha. I’m a little bit of a perfectionist, and I like to do constructive things with my time, and it makes me feel bad to see people wasting their times like that. 3h/day? And then he complains he is sleepy. Well my friend, you could have a nap of 3 hours this afternoon if you wanted! Hahaha. But in the end I feel it’s more a matter of perfectionism and controlling (in my case), which I apply to all of my close relationships with lovers and family. If he played video games until 2 A.M. I would be upset too ’cause he would give me a crap of quality time latter, because he wrist hurts or he wants to sleep. But this problem of porn in particular adds up a lot of other things – my fear that one day he will have an addiction and it starts causing problems with our sex life, and not only our quality time (which a video game or most of others habits that turns into compulsions would. But I guess any addiction is bad… The person doesn’t have time or energy for anything else).

    • SumGurl

      I was like you too lol. I was into lesbian porn and did not want my man watching any porn because I have a good drive and freaky in bed. I eventually gave up the porn and now I strictly think of him when I masturbate. I talked to him about how I felt and what I was doing. I’m tech swavy so I know he stopped watching porn 🙂 he doesn’t know this haha. Our relationship and sex has never been better since we both ditched porn. I still sometimes try to get the lesbian porn outta my imagination though. My man does not want me to be Bi in any way. To each their own!