Dear Santa, Please take notes!
They say it’s the thought that counts, but with these gifts, even the thought was bad. That ugly Santa sweater you got last year has nothing on these amazingly terrible gifts.
A shaver for down there: I shouldn’t even have to say why
A copy of your band’s CD: You seriously could not be lazier.
Thank You notes: Yes, I forgot to send any last year. Don’t rub it in.
That workout DVD you swear works: I don’t want to sweat to the oldies, thanks.
A star named for me: Those things cost like, $50, and I don’t get anything!
Spanx (even though we wear them): How we look so good is our business, not yours!
A statuette of anything: If this wasn’t regifted, I don’t even know what to think.
Proactiv: No, No, No, No, No.
Farmville credits: I do have a life.
A Borders gift card: Thanks for (literally) nothing, they closed shop ages ago.
A replica of Bella’s wedding dress: I love Twilight, but I’m not insane!
A subscription to Cat Fancy magazine: I’ll forward this along to your 80-year-old aunt.
An electric toothbrush: Just tell me there’s broccoli in my teeth, or don’t.
Mr. Wonderful: You don’t like the guy I’m dating. I get it.
A gift card for the psychic hotline: I’d rather live in the present.
“The Pleasures of Cooking for One” cookbook: Thanks for having faith in me.
The Green Lantern on DVD: Didn’t go with you opening night, don’t want to see it now.
“Sexy” things that aren’t sexy: These Playboy rainboots included.
Ring-side seats to Mixed Martial Arts: Is this a present for you or me?
The Secret: You really think I can turn my life around by Valentine’s. How sweet.
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