I Caught My BF Sending Flirty Texts To His Ex. What Do I Do?

BF Texting His Ex

If he's still texting his ex, you need to ask a few questions.

Dear Heather,

A couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend left his cell phone in my car. I didn’t think much of it and went through it. I found some text messages from his ex-girlfriend, not regular texts, but flirty texts. I have been with him off-and-on for 6 years! What should I do? I confronted him about it and all he said was that she is just a friend. Help me Heather please! What should I do? Trust him or leave him?!

Ouch. Finding stuff like this really sucks, and I’m sorry that it happened to you. I know you’re probably really freaking out right now, and while I can’t really blame you, the first thing you need to do is try to calm down and figure this out. I can’t make this decision for you, but I can help you get there.

Honestly? I don’t know the whole story, but it sounds like your boyfriend is being pretty shady. This isn’t something you should be ignoring. However, there are some factors to take into consideration: have you always known that your BF has been friendly with his ex, or did you have no idea they were talking? When did they break up? Did they ever hang out when you two were having an ‘off’ period? Is she dating someone else? And were the texts super flirty, like ‘I can’t wait to see you again’, or were they a little more tame?

Also, just the fact that you felt like you needed to go through his texts is a red flag to me. If you felt truly secure in the relationship, you wouldn’t even be tempted to spy on his personal messages. It doesn’t sound like you trust him, and that’s not a good thing at all.

Rihanna caught Chris Brown texting another girl...

After you think about all of this, you really need to have another conversation with your boyfriend. Tell him how much this bothered you and don’t let him try to brush it off. If he continues to say she’s just a friend, you have three choices: you can dig a little deeper to find out more (I don’t normally advocate snooping, but sometimes a little bit is necessary), you can choose to believe him and let it go, or you can end things.

If your BF has lied to you before and you have a strong feeling he is now, then I would say it’s time to break things off. If this is his first offense and you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, that’s fine too. Basically, you should do what feels right. Trust your instincts – they usually won’t let you down.

take care,

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com

Posted in: Help Me Heather, Love Advice, Love&Sex, Your Life
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  • Chrissy Stephens

    Got a question…I live in Ohio and my bf lives in Texas. He has kids with his ex girlfriend. They lived together twice and things didn’t work out. She cheated on him. She is living with her ex hubby now. She doesn’t work and told my bf that they are having money issues. I snooped and found that they went to dinner after they got their son off to a dance. It was only an hour. She wrote thanks for dinner. He wrote my pleasure, I enjoyed it. Then their son was going to a baseball tourney out of state. He asked if she was going. She said she couldn’t afford it. He wrote are you sure? I was looking forward to seeing you walk around in….how much do you have? She promptly wrote back I don’t have the money. He told me has been stressing about money lately and seems to avoid me but I did end up on the trip with him. That’s where he caught me snooping. He said he was joking around about the text and he would never get back with her. Your thoughts….

  • dootdoot

    This happened to me with my bf except he wasn’t just being flirty. I had suspicions but I tried being patient and understanding about their communications but I ended up finding proof of what he was doing and confronted him about it. He owned up to it and he told me he was really sorry and he had tried to resist replying to his ex as much as possible but he ended up caving in because she constantly wrote to him. He cut off all contact with her so he could salvage our relationship. I didn’t offer him an ultimatum, if he was unhappy or not satisfied with our relationship or still loved her I didn’t want to prolong it for both of us. Not sure what will happen from now on but I will try giving it another chance. Honestly the best advice I can give is to stay strong, not be afraid of a break up and know that you deserve better. If he truly cares about you he will make it right, if he doesn’t it’s time to cut that cord and move on because you know very well you deserve better. Don’t ever make excuses for him when you know he’s not treating you fairly. I learned that from a previous relationship and it was a very hard lesson for me.

  • Always remember to do what’s right for you when you are in a relationship. Remember, that if you can’t love yourself, how can you possibly love anybody else to the fullest potential? I know that sometimes it’s hard to see past those rose colored glasses but you have to be strong and do what’s good for the both of you. Just my two cents.


    Laurara Monique


  • French

    I recently just went on a group outing with my boyfriend and his friends. He told me his ex might be there, but when we got there I was introduced to everyone, but he never clarified if she was there or who it was. So at the end of the night after leaving around 1 o clock he receives a call and he didn’t pick up. It asked if it was her and he said yes. He said he didnt feel like right now wasn’t a good time to have a conversation with her. So she was there and he didnt point her out which raises an issue. Secondly, he didn’t answer the phone. The next morning I asked if they text and I asked him to show me. Not only did they text, but he initiated the text msg asking her to let him know when she makes it home. We are talking of course because I told him that that should’ve never happened. It seems that there is something mire going on, but if he said its nothing. I’m not going to this kind of behavior happen and I haven’t spoken to him in two days. What’s some advice you could give?

  • Helen

    A similar thing happened to me last week. I was going through my bf’s phone (we do that all the time! We usually don’t have anything to hide) and I found some text messages he sent to his ex-girlfriend. They were very flirty, mostly on her part. (She would say thing like “do you miss seeing me naked? and he would say “yes”) Anyway, I was very upset when I found them. We’ve been dating 8 months and he told me he hasn’t talked to any of his exes.

    So I told him that I found the messages, and he honestly had the best reaction. He told me he was so sorry, that he was only replying to her because she had threatened to hurt herself last time he didn’t “play-along”. He said he was so sorry I had to find out that way and he shouldn’t have kept it from me. He told me I was the priority in his life and he wanted to show me that. So he deleted her number, and actually went through all the contacts on his phone to show me who they were and that he wasn’t keeping anything else from me. He then (with absolutely no prompting) said he was going to change his number so his exes couldn’t contact him again.

    I was pretty much stunned. He did such an amazing job making me feel better and he was so sorry that he’d hurt me.

  • Sam

    This same situation just happened to me! Got some more helpful advice from another article as well: http://www.cupidspulse.com/texting-ex-should-you-be-worried/#more-36584

  • Georgia

    I’ve beenn having the same problem, its not a nice situation to be in, it really makes me want to cry, but evertime i try to talk to my bf bout it he always denys it and says it was one of his mates.

  • pixie

    Try reading I Hate His/Her Ex by Alex Cooper – a book for anyone who needs help and advice dealing with their partner’s past relationship(s) – brilliant read! Available on Amazon or most bookstores – Kindle or paperback!

  • Nikki

    My husband and I have been together for just over two years. When I get bored and see his phone, I just randomly look through his texts. It’s not cause I don’t trust him, I just want to see who he’s been talking with, and what funny jokes he may have forgotten to tell me. If that’s the case with you, then I would try to bring it up in conversation, and not let him try to weasel out of an answer again. But if you didn’t trust him, then maybe both you and your boyfriend need to look at where your relationship is going, and if it’s worth it for both of you to stay together. I hope that my and Heather’s advice has been helpful, and I am so sorry to hear that this happened to you, girl.