I Caught My BF Sending Flirty Texts To His Ex. What Do I Do?

BF Texting His Ex

If he's still texting his ex, you need to ask a few questions.

Dear Heather,

A couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend left his cell phone in my car. I didn’t think much of it and went through it. I found some text messages from his ex-girlfriend, not regular texts, but flirty texts. I have been with him off-and-on for 6 years! What should I do? I confronted him about it and all he said was that she is just a friend. Help me Heather please! What should I do? Trust him or leave him?!

Ouch. Finding stuff like this really sucks, and I’m sorry that it happened to you. I know you’re probably really freaking out right now, and while I can’t really blame you, the first thing you need to do is try to calm down and figure this out. I can’t make this decision for you, but I can help you get there.

Honestly? I don’t know the whole story, but it sounds like your boyfriend is being pretty shady. This isn’t something you should be ignoring. However, there are some factors to take into consideration: have you always known that your BF has been friendly with his ex, or did you have no idea they were talking? When did they break up? Did they ever hang out when you two were having an ‘off’ period? Is she dating someone else? And were the texts super flirty, like ‘I can’t wait to see you again’, or were they a little more tame?

Also, just the fact that you felt like you needed to go through his texts is a red flag to me. If you felt truly secure in the relationship, you wouldn’t even be tempted to spy on his personal messages. It doesn’t sound like you trust him, and that’s not a good thing at all.

Rihanna caught Chris Brown texting another girl...

After you think about all of this, you really need to have another conversation with your boyfriend. Tell him how much this bothered you and don’t let him try to brush it off. If he continues to say she’s just a friend, you have three choices: you can dig a little deeper to find out more (I don’t normally advocate snooping, but sometimes a little bit is necessary), you can choose to believe him and let it go, or you can end things.

If your BF has lied to you before and you have a strong feeling he is now, then I would say it’s time to break things off. If this is his first offense and you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, that’s fine too. Basically, you should do what feels right. Trust your instincts – they usually won’t let you down.

take care,
heather

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com


Posted in: Help Me Heather, Love Advice, Love&Sex, Your Life
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5 Comments

  1. avatarHelen says:

    A similar thing happened to me last week. I was going through my bf’s phone (we do that all the time! We usually don’t have anything to hide) and I found some text messages he sent to his ex-girlfriend. They were very flirty, mostly on her part. (She would say thing like “do you miss seeing me naked? and he would say “yes”) Anyway, I was very upset when I found them. We’ve been dating 8 months and he told me he hasn’t talked to any of his exes.

    So I told him that I found the messages, and he honestly had the best reaction. He told me he was so sorry, that he was only replying to her because she had threatened to hurt herself last time he didn’t “play-along”. He said he was so sorry I had to find out that way and he shouldn’t have kept it from me. He told me I was the priority in his life and he wanted to show me that. So he deleted her number, and actually went through all the contacts on his phone to show me who they were and that he wasn’t keeping anything else from me. He then (with absolutely no prompting) said he was going to change his number so his exes couldn’t contact him again.

    I was pretty much stunned. He did such an amazing job making me feel better and he was so sorry that he’d hurt me.

  2. avatarSam says:

    This same situation just happened to me! Got some more helpful advice from another article as well: http://www.cupidspulse.com/texting-ex-should-you-be-worried/#more-36584

  3. avatarGeorgia says:

    I’ve beenn having the same problem, its not a nice situation to be in, it really makes me want to cry, but evertime i try to talk to my bf bout it he always denys it and says it was one of his mates.

  4. avatarpixie says:

    Try reading I Hate His/Her Ex by Alex Cooper – a book for anyone who needs help and advice dealing with their partner’s past relationship(s) – brilliant read! Available on Amazon or most bookstores – Kindle or paperback!

  5. avatarNikki says:

    My husband and I have been together for just over two years. When I get bored and see his phone, I just randomly look through his texts. It’s not cause I don’t trust him, I just want to see who he’s been talking with, and what funny jokes he may have forgotten to tell me. If that’s the case with you, then I would try to bring it up in conversation, and not let him try to weasel out of an answer again. But if you didn’t trust him, then maybe both you and your boyfriend need to look at where your relationship is going, and if it’s worth it for both of you to stay together. I hope that my and Heather’s advice has been helpful, and I am so sorry to hear that this happened to you, girl.

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