Ask A Guy: What Does It Mean When He’s Not In The Mood For Sex?

Not In The Mood For Sex

Don't stress if he's not in the mood!

Hi Ethan,

What does it mean when your boyfriend says hes not in the mood for sex when he usually is? What guy wouldn’t want it if he was offered? I don’t understand… could there be someone else?

I know, it’s hard to believe that any guy would turn down sex. With our constant ogling and undying urges, what breast-and-butt-addicted animal would refuse a free fix?

Alright, so maybe we don’t actually think about sex every seven seconds, but a recent study by Ohio State University reveals that men do, in fact, think about it twice as much as women. Human beings are biologically driven to reproduce and protect their own genes—and while women do this by carrying a baby for nine months, a man can theoretically continuously spread his seed, which might promote an increased male sex drive.

Of course, such primitive motives have been watered down immensely in modern times. We’ve come a long way since our caveman days! The modern man is certainly more sensitive and emotional than ever before, and traditional gender roles continue to blur further. Perhaps it occurs less frequently than amongst women, but it is possible for a guy who’s feeling especially depressed, distracted, or insecure to not be in the mood for sex…even if he finds you attractive.

Sean didn't want to get down with Hanna on Pretty Little Liars

So I would take his initial declining of sex at face value. If you have a strong relationship to begin with, ask him what’s wrong and believe his answer. A more important gauge is how your boyfriend acts within the rest of the relationship. Is he distant in conversation? Has he been cancelling or avoiding plans? If his disinterest in sex continues for a longer period or broadens in other ways, it could be indicative of a larger problem which should be addressed. But don’t jump to the conclusion that your man is cheating from one isolated incident… he might just be feeling fat and bloated from that bean burrito he ate at lunch.

Good luck!

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Ethan, email him at!

Posted in: Ask A Guy, Help&Advice, Love Advice, Sex
Tags: , , , , ,
  • cindy

    I been with my boyfriend for 7 months now. In the beginning of the relationship sex was at least 4 times a week. I end up getting pregnant followed by a miscarriage. Durring the pregnancy and after the miscarriage he have yet to seem interested. I told him I am not satisfied with our current sex life. All he can really say is “yes it has been a while” . I gave him many excuses for his lack in interest. Such as the pregnancy and miscarriage took a toll on both if us. Now that all of that is done I am not sure what to think.

  • Gemma

    I was also turned down twice by my husband… we only meet once a month because of his work, and when he gets home, im always the one who initiates. though he tried to satisfy me, i still feel he’s not happy doing it. He was not like that before. It started two months ago. Then the last time i insisted, he wasn’t able to maintain his erection… i asked him if there’s a problem with me, even if i tried to do my part…he nothing’s wrong, he’s just not in a mood…
    he said that maybe, he’s too tired from work…but we only meet so rarely…how could it be? I also asked him if he is having an affair again with other woman (because he had before but proven that not anymore) , he said he has none…

    i am so depressed and keep on telling him that he should tell me everything so i can help him if there’s a problem… I let him feel i understand everything…

    please….i need some advice…

    thank you..

  • M

    It’s pefectly ok if you are in a stable long term relationship and he occasionally turns down sex. Speaking from my own experiences, when either my wife or I have had a particularly bad time or something is on our minds, our moods aren’t that great or one of us is just really exhausted, then we will turn it down.

    That’s ok for my wife too. If she cannot control the urge, I will satisfy her and then we will rest. But 99% of the time I won’t turn down sex unless I’m unwell or absolutely exhausted.

    If your boyfriend is still interested and switched on in every other aspect of the relationship, then take it easy. It’s only a problem if he consistently turns down sex!

    Also the longer some couples are together, the more likely the sex is going to drop off a bit…

    Try out a few fun activities together and something romantic to set the mood. This Good Friday, I’m having a really nice seafood dinner at home with my wife and then we will watch a couple of nice movies. That should get us relaxed, happy and in the mood 😉

  • Misha

    I agree with not jumping to conclusions, but if it last long you should definitely bring it up to find out what the heck is going on.. in the beggining of the 2 year relationship I’m in now we only had sex 3 times in 6 months I wanted to cheat so bad but I didnt.. come to find out he was cheating the entire time..once i busted him for the cheating the sex picked up again and then the issue persisted.. long story short we got couples therapy and he was passive aggressive in short form this was causing him to withold sex as punishment to me for the things he was upset about because he lacked the “skills” for expressing anger in healthy ways ..

    • Judy

      I’m sick and tired of always being the one to hold our relationship together, I’m gonna cheat! Ur only gonna be young once …

  • Guy

    My girlfriend had an urge at 7:00 A.M… i was tired… I just kept sleeping… when i woke up she was crying… so I had to explain that I don’t like it in the early mornings!

  • Billfer

    My baby never turns down my urges. When Mama wants it Mama gets it. Like everyday!! If you follow me. Haha
    But seriously stay protected guys. Not even Birth Control can stop you from getting pregnant. My first boyfriend got me pregnant when I was 14 and I was devastated. We had a miscarriage though, not to be a horrible person, but we were so relieved!! 14 ain’t an age to be havin’ babies.

    • LolzChick

      If you aren’t ready to have a baby @ 14 then why are u having sex? When you have sex you are suppose to accept that your choice can change your lives. And WTF are you doing having sex at 14 anyway?

    • Angela

      Birth control works 99% of the time if you are using it CORRECTLY. Having sex and getting knocked up at 14? Wow, that’s all I have to say…