Ask A Guy: How Can I Be More Than A Hookup?


Are You More Than A Hookup?

Clothes still on the floor, and he's out the door?

Dear Henry,

How do guys decide if you’re just a hook up—like a hit it and quit it type—or more than a hookup, like the dating, keeper, bring-to-the parents type?

You’re giving guys too much credit here—we don’t actually usually even think about those things. It’s like this: if a guy is out, only looking for a little something, and he meets you? He’s gonna see you as nothing more than a hookup. That part has nothing to do with who you are, how smart and funny you are, or any of that. If a guy isn’t in the frame of mind for a relationship, you may just always be seen as a hook-up. Not your fault, it’s just how guys work.

hookup timing

If he doesn't have time for you outside of hooking up? That's probably all he sees you as.

That being said, if a guy’s open to a relationship—maybe he’s watched a lot of romantic comedies lately (Shhhh! Yes, some guys watch those, too—you know, we have sisters and moms who like to go to the movies!), and if you make him laugh, share some of his interests, and he thinks you’re cute, there really could be potential for this to turn into more than a hookup. But don’t expect this to turn into the big L overnight. Guys like to test the waters first. Say you’re hooking up, then hanging out for a few hours to talk about TV and that one candy you both love but can’t find anymore, and stupid drama at school, and your embarrassing little brother and on, and on and on? Yeah, that sounds like it has potential, but he’s probably going to want to just date you for a few weeks or months before he commits to calling you his girlfriend.

hookup turned to love

Even if it started as a hookup, who says you won't find true love?

The real take-home-to-meet-the-parents qualities are hard to identify—and introducing a girl to mom and dad is a super big deal to most guys, so don’t sweat it if he’s not inviting you over right away. But what is it that gets a dude to the point of wanting to? If I may speak for most guys, I think one of the common traits I see in long-term relationships is a good mixture of support and butt-kicking. Guys can be pretty lame and, surprisingly, we know that in the back of our heads. When someone we’re dating puts us in our place, but does that with a ton of love and support, it’s straight-up awesome. Ultimately, there is no one “type” of girl guys tend to fall for most, it’s more a combination of attraction and chemistry and a little magic love dust—but the main thing is confidence. We need a girl who’s confident enough to be honest with us even when we might not like what she’s got to say. When we find it, we know we’ve got way more than a hookup in front of us. In fact, it could be love.


So, was my advice helpful? Have you ever turned a fling into something more than a hookup? Tell me straight-up  in the comments and don’t forget that you can drop me a note with your questions at

Posted in: Ask A Guy, Help&Advice, Uncategorized
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  • Margaret

    Dear Henry,
    Over a year ago I hooked up with a friend’s friend at a party. It was just sex and nothing more. A few months later when I was in university I saw him at the bar and we talked a bit. He got my number through a friend and asked me out. At the time I wasn’t interested so I declined. Every time I would see him, however, he would always hit on me and try to talk to me. About a month ago I saw him again and for some reason I felt differently about him. We had talked a few times then one night after the bar we had hooked up. Ever since then we always hook up and we go out drinking or for dinner together in a group often. All of our friends know about this and we usually see each other at least 3-4 times a week. We almost always spend the night together (except for 2 occasions when he had to work early) and we usually hangout for a little while in the morning. I keep second guessing myself as to if he has actual feelings for me or if it is just about sex. I’ve gotten to be good friends with his friends and he makes an effort to make sure my roommates like him. I occasionally bring up that he only wants me for sex and he always says it’s not that type of guy. When I asked him what this was he said he didn’t know. We never hang out just the two of us, except for the short period of time in the mornings. He doesn’t really text me that often either, and never says anything about liking me. His friends all make an effort as to be friends with me and seem to be protective of me as well because if a guy ever tries to talk to me at the bar or dance with me when he is not around they always tell them to go away and that they “have my back”. I am so confused about what is going on. I feel like I tried to talk to him about this issue a few times but we never get anywhere and I don’t want to annoy him. If all he wants is sex then I am fine with that, but I would rather know now so I don’t start getting feelings for him. How do I figure this out or ask him without being annoying.
    Please help

  • Julianna

    Hi! My name is Julianna, 15 years old (yes I know I’m a younging.)
    Before reading this just know I’m gonna have to bore you with a quick story of my hookup with this guy I like at the moment before I ask for your advice. He’s older than me. He’s 18 and he goes to my school. I took interest in him randomly one day and wanted to know more about him so I hit him up on facebook. Long story short he invited me over one night to hangout with him and his bestfriend and his bestfriends girl. I was the youngest one there but I got along with them really well and it was awesome. I ended up having to stay the night because of some friend complications. I was staying at a friends house this night but he picked me up from there and I just ended up having to stay the night with him and his friends at his friends house. Well anyways we stayed up real late and soon we all got real tired so we went to our seperate sleeping areas. I slept with him in a bed and the other two who were dating slept together. I didn’t have sex with him but he fingered me, I gave him head and that was that. This sounds terribl e typing it out so bluntly but the night actually went very smoothly. Well it was my first time giving head. I’m not experienced at all. But we still had a great time. We ended up just hanging out the rest of the night and he even promised we woulf talk again. We haven’t really talked since. Its been about a week. I texted him lastnight and our convo lasted about ten mins. I sadly like him but I won’t admit it to him. What do I say to hangout with him again or what do I do? I appreciate you reading this.

  • Pauletta

    Ok, this is tricky to explain but I need advice. I have a bf of 20 yrs now & we are very close, just like sisters. So I’m now single for the past couple of years just out of major serious relationship & now feel like I’m ready to get back in the game. So I’ve been hanging at my bf’s for the past few months & her youngest bro decides to tell me he’s always had the hots for me. So on this nite he was flirting & rubbing my legs (infront of his other bro) and really showing a lot of attention my way. Nothing happened other than a kiss which confused me because this was my bf’s lil bro & it freakd me out. A few weeks later hung out at bf’s house again & he shows up, had a good night & once evry 1 went to bed we hooked up on bf’s couch (hilarious) we were txtn after this for like a week & then went to his on the wkend & we hookd up again. Whilst at his place he kinda doesn’t seem keen anymore after he tells me he gets a txt from his sis & she tells him not to hurt me or she will kick his ass? So I don’t get it at all, why say all this crap & then hook up? Evry time we have hookd up we had been drinkn & he only txt’s me if I txt first but he never txt’s me unless he’s replying to my texts??? Is he really not digging me? I just don’t want to waste time? Any advice?

  • NYC girl

    ok, so here’s my crazy, weird story. I met a guy in vegas and we had fun together-not the bedroom type of fun- just good old fashion fun. It turned into a long distance fling. We talked everyday for months, he then visited my halfway across the country for an extended wknd. We had a great time, including the bedroom fun. After that, he kind of turned into your typical man. Not calling anymore etc being a douche basically. We went our separate ways – into relationships with other people., but remained friends, meaning every so often – a couple times a year we would check in to see how the other was doing. Normal innocent conversation. Here is where it turns tricky. The time of the original fling to the present was 4 years. 4 years later I receive a random “i love you” email. That is all that was wrote – those 3 words and thats it. I did not say it back as it threw me aback. he never explained it and when I asked what he meant he only said he was thinking about me and wants to see me and wanted me to come there at his own expense. What is going on in his mind? What should I think here?

  • Sheila

    Dear Henry, so for the last two months I have been hooking up with this guy that I work with. I had just gotten out of a horrible relationship about 7 months ago. I had told my hookup that I didn’t want it to be more than just sex, friends with benefits type of thing. I figured that if I’m just going to be having casual sex it is only guna be with one guy! So he will come over about once a week but for the last month I can’t help but feel like things are getting weird. I don’t know if I like him and I can’t tell if he likes me! He always brings up marriage and relationships with me and those conversations kind of frighten me. He scholds me for dating my ex and when someone calls my phone he will ask me who is calling. He slept over once and we cuddled all night, after telling me that sleep overs and cuddiling involve too much emotions. Like what?! But then he will not talk to me that much for a few days and I most definitely will not chase him. Also, he is leaving for the air force soon. I’m just confused. Please help

    • chels

      How did Henry respond to this?? I am going thru same thing!!! Plz help

  • olivia

    hie there really hope you can help me withthis one , im a christian african lady in love with a caucasian personal trainer. i decided to tell him how i felt and he told me he liked me too and then he also told me im religious, he says he is a believer but not as much i am, so i told him that christianity is flexible and not judgemental finally his last words were he is into blond ,blue eyed dutch girls, which tore me apart because i didnt think he was like that or maybe he was trying to be a little mean.i still have to work with him tho. do you think he meant to say that?

    • gayle

      Hello Olivia. Thanks for sharing your story. I am so proud of you that you put yourself out there and expressed your feelings to your trainer even though his response disappointed you. I am a cute, little ol’ African lady myself and I have been dating white dudes for 15+ years and I will tell you it is both a science and an art to sort through the muck. It is very difficult at first to decipher those who are genuine and those who just want to try it and that can be frustrating. In your case, you found someone who was willing to be honest with you and tell you he is not attracted to black women. I think it is a gift that he told you this up front even though it is not what you wanted to hear. Be appreciative that he gave you honesty and move on. Though very rewarding, the white male, black female interplay is a rough road. I have made it work over the years, but it takes the right man. Good luck.

  • Marie

    A month ago I met this guy while on holiday and hooked up. When we came home from the holiday we texted each other and agreed to meet up. We hooked up. We enjoy each others company. He introduced me to his mother and friends. Even went out as a plus one to a function of his. He is leaving town soon and so we don’t want to get into a serious relationship. I have feelings for him and I can’t keep hooking up with him. How can I tell if he has feelings for me as well? I just want closure about it and not have to feel bad about hooking up and it not going anywhere just because he is leaving town.

  • Ashley

    Hey Henry!
    So I’ve got this guy I’ve been talking to for about 8 months. When it first started, he would text me all the time and asked me out but the date never happened. He’d do this thing where we’d text for like a week straight and then he would just stop so I’d text him after a week and itd be good for like a month and then it’d stop again. We’ve hung out and hooked up a couple times but nothing more than a make out. We’re from the same town and go to the same school but over the summer we were in different states and didn’t talk a whole lot. Recently, I’ve been trying to get over him and then he texted me again and I just had to confront him about why be wasnt talking to me. I did and he said it was cause he was in a different state and wa busy and asked if we could start over and hasn’t talked to me since. I honestly don’t think I’m just a hookup since all we’ve done is make out. He drives me crazy but I like him so much probably because I dont know for sure if he likes me. What am I doing wrong? Help me!!

    • Ashley

      PS: whenever we hang out he acts like he likes me a lot and we have so much fun together. why is he messing with me so bad??

  • mary

    Heyy so basically my ex strted talking to me again about a moth ago we’ve been chatting and flirting then he came round yesterday and we had sex and are planning to again this week but I want to go back to how we were and don’t know how to if you get me? Love to hear back help please!

  • jessimona

    So recently i hook up with my friend friend, the guy i used to not like at all in the past for some reason (which even me myself don’t know ). after the first hook up i told myself it was a big mistake and i hide from all my friend. however, 2 weeks later we meet again in a party, at first we were just talking but after a few drinks later we found ourselves making out in front of all these other friends. everyone were just watching us, and we didn’t even care, we were kinda lost in a moment. so that night i ended up having sex with him for the second time.
    Now every now and then, i found myself thinking about him and those great time we had. i tell myself it so wrong as he dosn’t have any quality that i like in a guy at all. but i can’t help thinking about him, what should i do? and what is his thought? am i just a hook up, or something more? please help, I’m so confuse.

  • Confused131

    Dear Henry
    So there’s this guy i lyk n..he told me he lykd me to0 n i mean LIKE LIKE but he wants us to be friends,JuST fRienDs. i mean i dnt think i have a problen with that sinc i do kno tht he lyks me too but..sometimes i just wish we were more :/ any ideas on why he’d want us to b friends only?

  • Dev.

    Dear Henry,
    A few months ago my friends mom (which is like my second mom) introduced me to this guy and we became good friends real fast. We are pretty much alike and then we started acting like a couple I guess you could say..Well anyways, I fell in love with him along the way but he never knew that until recently. A few weeks ago he texted me and told me he was in love with someone and that he just wanted to be friends, the kind that don’t kiss is what he said lol…I cried but I picked myself back up and moved on and then I seen him the other day in a gas station and he asked if I wanted to hang out and I agreed to it, So we met up and it was awkward and I was kinda a bitch to him so he dropped me off and left…I texted him a few hours after that had happend and I told him how I really felt about him and he never texted back and I dont know what to do about it…I don’t wanna lose him before its too late. I’d love to hear back from you. 😀

  • shanette

    Dear Henry,
    I had this sorta summer hookup with this guy from high school and now i find myself thinking about him and surprisingly wanting to try a little harder for him. Long Story a little shorter we became good friends senior year. We told each other alot about our families and past during class and would text each other i miss you when one wasn’t in class. Then prom was coming up, he asked me and after i said yes last minute, again last minute said i changed my mind.Our friendship grew a little distant until one day at the beache we all were hanging out, drinking having a good time. That night ened with us doing a bit more than jus making out. Then he kept on texting me to eat or just hangout and i never did. Until a gathering at his house where i didnt drink and kissed him. Then we hung out again just me and him. He didnt make any moves, we just talked all night and had a good time in the water. Then another time we hungout at his house we drank played games and that ended up us super making out but not all the way. then after that night that we left each other haters we didnt hangout again. he has texted me hey how u doing and we were suppose to hanogut but it never happened. in between our hangouts he would call or text me late asking to hangout and i would always tell him im not a booty call and he started texting me early and thats when we started hanging out . I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS! 🙂 PLEASEEE (BREAKING MY HEAD OVER HERE!)