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more than a hookup
Clothes still on the floor, and he's out the door?
Dear Henry,
How do guys decide if you’re just a hook up—like a hit it and quit it type—or more than a hookup, like the dating, keeper, bring-to-the parents type?
You’re giving guys too much credit here—we don’t actually usually even think about those things. It’s like this: if a guy is out, only looking for a little something, and he meets you? He’s gonna see you as nothing more than a hookup. That part has nothing to do with who you are, how smart and funny you are, or any of that. If a guy isn’t in the frame of mind for a relationship, you may just always be seen as a hook-up. Not your fault, it’s just how guys work.
If he doesn't have time for you outside of hooking up? That's probably all he sees you as.
That being said, if a guy’s open to a relationship—maybe he’s watched a lot of romantic comedies lately (Shhhh! Yes, some guys watch those, too—you know, we have sisters and moms who like to go to the movies!), and if you make him laugh, share some of his interests, and he thinks you’re cute, there really could be potential for this to turn into more than a hookup. But don’t expect this to turn into the big L overnight. Guys like to test the waters first. Say you’re hooking up, then hanging out for a few hours to talk about TV and that one candy you both love but can’t find anymore, and stupid drama at school, and your embarrassing little brother and on, and on and on? Yeah, that sounds like it has potential, but he’s probably going to want to just date you for a few weeks or months before he commits to calling you his girlfriend.
Even if it started as a hookup, who says you won't find true love?
The real take-home-to-meet-the-parents qualities are hard to identify—and introducing a girl to mom and dad is a super big deal to most guys, so don’t sweat it if he’s not inviting you over right away. But what is it that gets a dude to the point of wanting to? If I may speak for most guys, I think one of the common traits I see in long-term relationships is a good mixture of support and butt-kicking. Guys can be pretty lame and, surprisingly, we know that in the back of our heads. When someone we’re dating puts us in our place, but does that with a ton of love and support, it’s straight-up awesome. Ultimately, there is no one “type” of girl guys tend to fall for most, it’s more a combination of attraction and chemistry and a little magic love dust—but the main thing is confidence. We need a girl who’s confident enough to be honest with us even when we might not like what she’s got to say. When we find it, we know we’ve got way more than a hookup in front of us. In fact, it could be love.
So, was my advice helpful? Have you ever turned a fling into something more than a hookup? Tell me straight-up in the comments and don’t forget that you can drop me a note with your questions at askhenry@gurl.com.
The Morning After
New Quiz!
Dear Henry, so for the last two months I have been hooking up with this guy that I work with. I had just gotten out of a horrible relationship about 7 months ago. I had told my hookup that I didn’t want it to be more than just sex, friends with benefits type of thing. I figured that if I’m just going to be having casual sex it is only guna be with one guy! So he will come over about once a week but for the last month I can’t help but feel like things are getting weird. I don’t know if I like him and I can’t tell if he likes me! He always brings up marriage and relationships with me and those conversations kind of frighten me. He scholds me for dating my ex and when someone calls my phone he will ask me who is calling. He slept over once and we cuddled all night, after telling me that sleep overs and cuddiling involve too much emotions. Like what?! But then he will not talk to me that much for a few days and I most definitely will not chase him. Also, he is leaving for the air force soon. I’m just confused. Please help
hie there really hope you can help me withthis one , im a christian african lady in love with a caucasian personal trainer. i decided to tell him how i felt and he told me he liked me too and then he also told me im religious, he says he is a believer but not as much i am, so i told him that christianity is flexible and not judgemental finally his last words were he is into blond ,blue eyed dutch girls, which tore me apart because i didnt think he was like that or maybe he was trying to be a little mean.i still have to work with him tho. do you think he meant to say that?
Hello Olivia. Thanks for sharing your story. I am so proud of you that you put yourself out there and expressed your feelings to your trainer even though his response disappointed you. I am a cute, little ol’ African lady myself and I have been dating white dudes for 15+ years and I will tell you it is both a science and an art to sort through the muck. It is very difficult at first to decipher those who are genuine and those who just want to try it and that can be frustrating. In your case, you found someone who was willing to be honest with you and tell you he is not attracted to black women. I think it is a gift that he told you this up front even though it is not what you wanted to hear. Be appreciative that he gave you honesty and move on. Though very rewarding, the white male, black female interplay is a rough road. I have made it work over the years, but it takes the right man. Good luck.
Hey
A month ago I met this guy while on holiday and hooked up. When we came home from the holiday we texted each other and agreed to meet up. We hooked up. We enjoy each others company. He introduced me to his mother and friends. Even went out as a plus one to a function of his. He is leaving town soon and so we don’t want to get into a serious relationship. I have feelings for him and I can’t keep hooking up with him. How can I tell if he has feelings for me as well? I just want closure about it and not have to feel bad about hooking up and it not going anywhere just because he is leaving town.
Hey Henry!
So I’ve got this guy I’ve been talking to for about 8 months. When it first started, he would text me all the time and asked me out but the date never happened. He’d do this thing where we’d text for like a week straight and then he would just stop so I’d text him after a week and itd be good for like a month and then it’d stop again. We’ve hung out and hooked up a couple times but nothing more than a make out. We’re from the same town and go to the same school but over the summer we were in different states and didn’t talk a whole lot. Recently, I’ve been trying to get over him and then he texted me again and I just had to confront him about why be wasnt talking to me. I did and he said it was cause he was in a different state and wa busy and asked if we could start over and hasn’t talked to me since. I honestly don’t think I’m just a hookup since all we’ve done is make out. He drives me crazy but I like him so much probably because I dont know for sure if he likes me. What am I doing wrong? Help me!!
PS: whenever we hang out he acts like he likes me a lot and we have so much fun together. why is he messing with me so bad??
-ashleyy
Heyy so basically my ex strted talking to me again about a moth ago we’ve been chatting and flirting then he came round yesterday and we had sex and are planning to again this week but I want to go back to how we were and don’t know how to if you get me? Love to hear back help please!
So recently i hook up with my friend friend, the guy i used to not like at all in the past for some reason (which even me myself don’t know ). after the first hook up i told myself it was a big mistake and i hide from all my friend. however, 2 weeks later we meet again in a party, at first we were just talking but after a few drinks later we found ourselves making out in front of all these other friends. everyone were just watching us, and we didn’t even care, we were kinda lost in a moment. so that night i ended up having sex with him for the second time.
Now every now and then, i found myself thinking about him and those great time we had. i tell myself it so wrong as he dosn’t have any quality that i like in a guy at all. but i can’t help thinking about him, what should i do? and what is his thought? am i just a hook up, or something more? please help, I’m so confuse.
Dear Henry
So there’s this guy i lyk n..he told me he lykd me to0 n i mean LIKE LIKE but he wants us to be friends,JuST fRienDs. i mean i dnt think i have a problen with that sinc i do kno tht he lyks me too but..sometimes i just wish we were more :/ any ideas on why he’d want us to b friends only?
Dear Henry,
A few months ago my friends mom (which is like my second mom) introduced me to this guy and we became good friends real fast. We are pretty much alike and then we started acting like a couple I guess you could say..Well anyways, I fell in love with him along the way but he never knew that until recently. A few weeks ago he texted me and told me he was in love with someone and that he just wanted to be friends, the kind that don’t kiss is what he said lol…I cried but I picked myself back up and moved on and then I seen him the other day in a gas station and he asked if I wanted to hang out and I agreed to it, So we met up and it was awkward and I was kinda a bitch to him so he dropped me off and left…I texted him a few hours after that had happend and I told him how I really felt about him and he never texted back and I dont know what to do about it…I don’t wanna lose him before its too late. I’d love to hear back from you.
Dear Henry,
PLEASEEE (BREAKING MY HEAD OVER HERE!)
I had this sorta summer hookup with this guy from high school and now i find myself thinking about him and surprisingly wanting to try a little harder for him. Long Story a little shorter we became good friends senior year. We told each other alot about our families and past during class and would text each other i miss you when one wasn’t in class. Then prom was coming up, he asked me and after i said yes last minute, again last minute said i changed my mind.Our friendship grew a little distant until one day at the beache we all were hanging out, drinking having a good time. That night ened with us doing a bit more than jus making out. Then he kept on texting me to eat or just hangout and i never did. Until a gathering at his house where i didnt drink and kissed him. Then we hung out again just me and him. He didnt make any moves, we just talked all night and had a good time in the water. Then another time we hungout at his house we drank played games and that ended up us super making out but not all the way. then after that night that we left each other haters we didnt hangout again. he has texted me hey how u doing and we were suppose to hanogut but it never happened. in between our hangouts he would call or text me late asking to hangout and i would always tell him im not a booty call and he started texting me early and thats when we started hanging out . I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS!